Does anyone else want birth to be only you, s/o, and medical staff?

sinisforgiven · June 2012

The topic of birth came up with my mom yesterday, and basically she made a statement that said she assumed she would be in the delivery room during birth.... She assumed this because my sister (who had her son 18 years ago) had everyone present .. mom, stepdad, baby daddy, grandma, uncles, aunts, everyoneelse, etc..

Now that's fun and all, but I plan to allow my mom and family be there for support during labor, amd want the birth to be just DH and I.

I think my mom would just add stress to the situation, and she would be bossy to the doctors and nurses and try to tell them what to do without any medical knowledge or experience (other than having children 25 years and 36 years ago) My husband and I are nurses and have a good relationship with the doctor, I think we can handle communicating with the medical staff.

Basically she reacted like a big whining baby about it... A few of the things she said were:

"You're only thinking of yourself, and it's not fair to me as your mother" (Well I think giving birth is the one time I should get my way.. sorry if that's selfish)

"I'm your mother, you don't need privacy... I've changed your diapers".. (Now that you mention it, that's another reason I don't want her there.. I don't even change clothes in front of her now, I'm a pretty private person )

"It's not going to be as easy as you think to push, you'll need our help" (I never said I thought it was going to be easy, but how exactly are you going to "help" me push my baby out?... )

I tried my best to be polite and tell her that I wasn't trying to hurt her feelings, and that I just felt like it was my right to decide who would and wouldn't be present during the birth.... Who knows, maybe at the last minute I'll want to have her there (though I seriously doubt it)... I just didn't think it would be fair of me to let her assume this whole time that she would be in the room and then tell the nurse to kick her out when it's time to push.

I know that there are people who wouldn't dream of having a baby without their mother present, and many others who would want them there but can't for various reasons... The unfortunate fact is, my mother and I are just not close like that. And while I love her, I only want my husband there... Am I the only person that feels that way?

TheFutureMrsH2012 · June 2012

You're not alone. Trust me. I've told my mother several times that I want the birth to include only my husband and the medical staff. No one else. This was, of course, met with that wounded "omg you just kicked my puppy" look.

It's for that reason, and the fact that my family's drama seems to rival that of the Hatfields and McCoys, that DH and I don't even want to call anyone until the baby is born. And even then we'll accept few visitors.

Do what you and your husband want. If people can't understand why you'd want that time to yourselves, they have bigger issues. I'm sure feelings will be hurt, but they'll get over it.

PaulnSabrina · June 2012

You are not alone and you should definitely stand your ground. It is a very intimate time and if that is what you want you should absolutely not let anyone ruin it for you.

dolphindr513 · June 2012

I feel the same way as you and just want my husband and I to be in the room. It's a great bonding experience as a couple. My mom was a bit upset the first time around (not nearly as upset as your mom) but came around and this time she hasn't asked to be in the room. Good luck to you!

Mrs.Fuel09 · June 2012

I had the same conversation with my mom, she has been telling everyone that she will be in the delivery room since we found out we were pregnant. Never has she asked me or my DH opinion on the subject. Last weekend I had had enough and in front of the entire family I told her in so many words that if she thought she could stay in I would have her escorted out of the room. Probably not my most shining moment but I had enough and she was not listening to anything of my wishes.

khill86 · June 2012

We aren't even calling people when I'm in labour. We'll be calling once we're home from the hospital. We told everyone that was our plan months ago. Some people are supportive, some aren't. But, honestly, it's our choice and we're the only ones that need to be there. We'll call if we have any complications or if we're there longer than 24 hours after the birth, but otherwise, no one will hear anything until I'm good and ready.

Today my OB said she thought I'd go full-term or longer and DH and I decided that if I'm induced, we won't be telling anyone, again, until after. A scheduled induction makes it way too easy for people to just show up and I won't stand for it, so we agreed that we won't even bring it up to anyone until after (if it happens).

meangene · June 2012

Easy peasy - don't tell anyone you're in labor until baby is here.

Granted, my parents are hundreds of miles away, but that's how we did it last time and it worked like a charm. Not so easy once you have older children who need to be watched, though.

KateLouise · June 2012

I'm super close to my Mum, and we see each other naked plenty. I still didn't want her in the room when I was giving birth.

As it happens the conversation never came up because she would never presume to be there, and I'm not sure she'd be interested.

Having said all of that, DD2 was born on our bathroom floor and delivered by DH, and I had dreams that I was going to have her on Mum and Dad's bathroom floor. I kinda wish I could have shared it with them.

The thing is, it's your birht. It's a very private and special experience for you and DH. Do what feels right to you. If your Mum is being a whiney brat, just ignore her.

lme_bsb8280 · June 2012

No you are not alone. I have already told my family and inlaws we will call you when we are in labor just cuz its summer and I dont want anyone to leave town but that they can come up and see us after baby is born. Our hospital only allows two people in the room during delivery and nobody can see us until a hour or two after the baby is born so that helped my cause. I loved that they gave us a print out of the rules...I gave everyone a copy so they didnt think iI was making it up lol....just the hubby and I and thats how we want it so we have our time as a family to take it all in and we get to hold our baby instead of everyone else....this is our first and maybe only we dont want to miss a thing!

chouli77 · June 2012

You are not alone. I chose to exclude anyone else from the delivery room. I think its actually selfish of other people to assume they have a right or a need to be there. That day is not about *them*, no matter how much they want to be spectators/directors. That day is about you, your SO, and your LO.

justforbaby626 · June 2012

I am only having DH. I told my mom the hospital staff only allows one coach lol. She seemed to assume she would be in there as well and that is just NMS.

mtpgroove · June 2012

Me and dh Im not even having people come see the baby until the next day i want time to bond with the baby before people start showing up

maceymay1816 · June 2012

Oh honey you aren't alone at all. My Mom was actually very understanding; however, my inlaws not so much. My SIL is a labor and delivery nurse and was very upset that I didn't want her as my nurse, my MIL was upset and kept making comments before DD was born about how I'd change my mind. I stood my ground. I allowed the whole family to be in the room while I was laboring, so they were in the room for the majority of my 16 hours of labor. But when it came time to push I asked them all to leave.

It was the best decision ever. DH and I had an incredibly beautiful bonding moment together, he helped me through the toughest part of the birth of our daughter. We stayed in the room together with our new baby for about half an hour before we asked the family into the room to introduce them. It was an incredibly beautiful moment and I wouldn't take it back for the world. I wouldn't have wanted anyone else in there with us, it was our moment and if you feel strongly about it, just continue to be firm. After we had some time together we were thrilled to share our new addition with the rest of the family, but that time is priceless.

krismott25 · June 2012

My MIL has been asking for years and I just kinda avoided it but I've finally laid down the law. I told my mom that I may want her in there but I'm reserving the right to kick everyone out if I feel like it. She was totally ok withthat. I get over whelmed by crowds and since I'm having twins we will have a bigger birthing "team" staring at me. Even one extra body is overwhelming. I kinda feel bad about not letting my MIL in but at the same time it's about me!

cmarie520 · June 2012

It will just be DH, myself and staff there too. My ideal is to go into labor at night and then be able to call family in the morning to come down and meet the baby. Honestly, I don't really even want them there while I'm laboring, not because they wouldn't be supportive but I want lots of time to bond with our son and try and nurse after he's born. I think I would feel obligated to let family in right away after he's born if everyone was there waiting.

Davesgrl2011 · June 2012

What bothers me the most about what you said is that your mom thinks you should be thinking about someone other than yourself while you are giving birth. I'm sorry, and maybe people won't agree, but the ONLY person you need to consider is yourself at that moment. Not even your S/O. Nope, not even him. He should be thinking of you. It is not selfish. It is a moment that you need to think about you to do the job at hand. I bet when I am in the moment I won't even be thinking of my baby, my whole brain will be pinpointed on pushing. At least, that is what I've been told.

And I would tell your mom that. Sorry, but that statement was totally out of line and unfair. Tell her if you weren't there when the baby was concieved, you won't be there when the baby is delivered.

Oh- and although my mom will be in with me, I don't plan on having anyone in the room during the labor AND delivery other than my DH and my mom. I don't want guests b/c I am going to try to do this without an epidural, and I will need to concentrate on the task at hand, not entertain guests. Trust me, that is NOT going over well!

j&j060708 · June 2012

Will your Dr take the fall for you?? Mine said that if I told her I wanted no visitors or a million she would just say its per policy and go with it. We are doing visitors until pushing and then nobody for an hour after and my Dr said she is more then happy to have herself and her nurses tell the family that is hospital policy.

naybird · June 2012

Nope, I only want DH in the room with me too. And after your mother's selfish reactions there is no way I would want her in there!!

This is your time to only think of yourself and do as you want. You need to be comfortable. That's all that matters.

Good luck!

MrsL1022 · June 2012

You are not alone. Thankfully my mother and MIL aren't pushing to be there. You are not at all being selfish. If anyone is being selfish it's your mom. There is something so intimate about you and your DH meeting your baby for the first time. When my DS was born I wanted the 3 of us to just hole up and shut the rest of the world out, which we did for a while. I think you need to just be firm and stand your ground. Your mother will get over it and you will be happy that you put your foot down and had the experience you wanted with DH and your new baby.

LM915 · June 2012

cmarie520:
It will just be DH, myself and staff there too. My ideal is to go into labor at night and then be able to call family in the morning to come down and meet the baby. Honestly, I don't really even want them there while I'm laboring, not because they wouldn't be supportive but I want lots of time to bond with our son and try and nurse after he's born. I think I would feel obligated to let family in right away after he's born if everyone was there waiting.

This is exactly how I feel as well. At this point, we are not planning to call family until after the baby is born. Our parents all live 2 hours away, so we'll have at least that time to spend with "just us" and our baby.

jlyn483 · June 2012

No your not alone on this at all. Actually it's my MIL that is the one having the issues when she heard she wouldn't be in the room when it was 'push time' and that it would just be myself and DH. She pretty much gave me some of the same responses (other than she changed my diaper). She kept telling me that I will need all the support I can get during this "hard time". So I know exactly how you are feeling about this. Good luck!

jess9802 · June 2012

I, too, want it to be just DH and me during labor and delivery, and I also don't want people lurking in the waiting room, chomping at the bit to be let in after baby is born. My mom, God bless her, agrees that it's a very intimate time and said we could just call my parents when it's time to come meet him. My in-laws think I'm being ridiculous for not wanting them in the waiting room. I told them they'll get over it.

coromble · June 2012

Its only going to be me, my hubby and the medical staff....probably through most of the labor as well. Thankfully my mom supports that, and actually she recommended it. I think that's what you should do if that's what you want. If there is ever a time in your life when you should have things your way, it is now! Plus, I feel like that is going to be a special bonding time for me and hubby. Your mom can wait and see the baby soon after its born and I'm sure she'll still feel like she is part of the special moment. Sick up for yourself!

JustAhopin · June 2012

I actually just sent out an email to the family what our plans our. We don't want anyone at the hospital period. We will let people know when it's go time but they're to stay home. We'll let them know after he's born when it's ok to come visit.

I'm not sure that we'd want everyone there right away either.

lzygrl42 · June 2012

This issue hasn't really come up with our families yet..however, they all live in other states. My mom will be booking a flight as soon as she hears I am in labor. DH and I have discussed the fact that we don't mind visitors during the labor process but once its time to start pushing..it will be just DH, I and medical peeps. That's it...stand your ground and if they don't understand, then they are just being selfish. This is a time for you and your SO to enjoy the time to meet your creation.

Oh, we are going to ask my twin sister to be in the room but off to the side because we both are photographers and we want her to capture pictures of us seeing our DD for the first time..I know this may make others mad but I know my sister will respect our wishes to stand back and start snapping away when she arrives.

sinisforgiven · June 2012

Thank you all sooooo much for your comments!!!

I was feeling slightly guilty, but now I feel confident in my decision! I am going to mention it to my OB at my next appointment, and see if they are willing to tell my family that it's their policy to only allow one coach...

I am also trying to avoid all medications, and agree that I will need to concentrate on the task at hand rather than entertain an audience. I never thought about waiting until the baby is born to call the family, I'll want to talk to DH about this and see what his opinion is.

Thanks again!!

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