Grandparents overstepping boundaries- HELP!
Need some advice on how to discuss overstepping bounds with my own mother with regard to my DD.
I have been noticing more and more that she will undermine my rules that I have set or just plain disrespect my wishes when it comes to DD. Some examples:
1.This past Sunday I dropped my daughter off with my mother, so that I could get some major house cleaning done and gave her a lunch to feed her and she blatantly gave her something else and thinks that it is perfectly OK to do so.
2. She kept old toys from when I was kid and has attempted to bring them out for my DD to play with and I have asked her politely twice already to not allow her to play with them. - I get a roll of the eyes and a frustrated look from my mother....
More or less I need to know how to politely and respectfully speak to my mother about not overstepping boundaries regarding my parenting, as I feel she still thinks that she "knows what is best" and does not respect me as an adult/mother to my own child because she "raised 3 of us kids, ya know?!" Aye yi yi... HELP PLEASE :-/
Re: Grandparents overstepping boundaries- HELP!
You sounds incredibly uptight. If you don't like what your mom is doing, don't ask her to watch your DD. But understand that you being so uptight is going to affect your relationship and the one she has with your DD.
Unless it involves choking, allergies or some kind of danger, you really need to relax and let your daughter have some fun at her grandparents. Grandparents like to spoil a bit -- it's what they do, and you're depriving your mom of this special bond.
Why can't she play with your old toys?
Matthew James 1/11/07
Really? Your mom watched your DD so that you could clean your house and you're going to complain about those two things? The only thing I'd care about was a toy with small parts or made with lead paint and food allergies if that's the case, otherwise let her have fun with her grandchild for heavens sake. If those things are issues, then explain to your mom why it's a problem for her to do what she does.
Ok ladies... after reading what I wrote and thinking about all that you said, I do realize that I am WAY too uptight and will not be saying anything unless it is a safety issue. I truly want to thank you for opening my eyes because I didn't really think about the toy thing being nostalgic at all.
I don't want you all to think that I am ungrateful because I am far from it, I had my house bug bombed not like I depend on her for regular house cleaning. It was more of a safety reason to drop her off with my Mom that day.
Seriously, thank you for opening my eyes and this was the major reason why I wanted to put this out there because I very much appreciate an outside perspective when you get so engrossed in your own thoughts.
Sorry but I just don't see the issue with either these things. The food thing - unless your child has an allergy or your mother only feeds her total junk, why would you not let her feed your child. So she eats one meal that someone else made, what is the big deal? Trust me, this is coming from someone who has ILS that eat so unhealthy, feel that every meal needs to have dessert after it, etc. DH and I have expressed our concerns over what the dessert options should be for our kids and have accepted the fact that when my ILs are helping us by taking care of our kids, they may not eat exactly as we love but we know that they will be totally fine.
As far as the toys - I love that my mom has saved some of my childhood toys for my kids. Unless the toy is unsafe - I totally don't see that this is an issue.
Overall, you are the parent, if you want things done, have a nice conversation about how you want it done, ask that your mother respect that you are the parent now and that even if she doesn't always agree with you, that is the way it is. On your part - take a step back and let her parent. I am assuming safety is not an issue here and if that is the case - give grandma some slack.
Glad that you've decided to chill out a bit... Remember, Grandma's house is kinda like Vegas - "What Happens at Grandma's Stays at Grandma's!"...
Consider yourself blessed, I had to have DH intervene and tell my MIL "Please don't walk down the middle of the road with DD in the stroller!" when she was little...
LOL! My mom spoils DS rotten. Last weekend they took him to an amusement park, fed him candy and ice cream for supper, let him pick out whatever he wanted at the Disney Store, and let him stay up 3 hours past his bedtime. I on the other hand got to go out to my husband without paying for a babysitter. Win-win-win!
These are not big issues - at grandma's house the rules are different and unless it endangers your kids, I don't think it's a big deal at all. Grandparents that spoil kids are great in the long run, not detrimental.
ETA: Glad to see you updated after thinking about how you were reacting.
...baby #3 is here...
This response is a breath of fresh air on the bump. I'm glad you didn't take your ball and go home like so many would after being told to lighten up :-)
Annelise 3.22.2007 Norah 10.24.2009 Amelia 8.7.2011
Im glad you see that. When it comes to family and free child care, you pick your battles. Of course there are nonnegotiables but those two things are nowhere near them. I know when I watch my niece, I enjoy making her food and showing her the cool toys we have at our house. These are probably things that her grandma looks forward to.
although i disagree with your reasons for being upset, i completely understand where you're coming from. i understand that she's just doing what she did with all her children, and my mom undermines my parenting all the time. she means no harm, but it's SO annoying. she doesn't think there's anything wrong with allowing my son to use a pacifier, but i detest pacifiers. after delivery, i was hospitalized for ten days due to a complicated birth. in that time, i made sure to let everybody who would be in contact with my son to not give him a pacifier, because i was worried that it would be near impossible to get him off of it. my mother insists that she sucked her thumb until she was 13, and she turned out okay, but i find this disturbing. i wanted to avoid the whole, let's-try-and-wean-him-from-the-goonie thing completely, but now he's basically dependent on it. i understand it's not the end of the world, but it was something i planned on sticking to and i feel like i got sabotaged by my own mom, for a lack of better words. (har, har).
on an even more annoying note, i caught my mom feeding my son cow's milk when he was only three weeks old. she doesn't understand that studies have found cow's milk to be harmful for babies under the age of 12 months, and claims that 'we all drank cow's milk and we're just fine.' well, most of our mothers and grandmothers smoked, among other things during pregnancy, which have recently been proven to be harmful. and we all seemed to be 'just fine,' but i suffered from asthma all through my childhood because of my mother's smoking.
and finally, the most disrespectful of acts, smoking around my child. the only member of both our families (mine and my husband's,) who doesn't smoke around our son is my father. this is deeply troubling to me and it's gotten to the point where i won't allow the baby to see his paternal family because they all think nothing of chainsmoking around children.
bottom line, no matter how petty the act, grandparents who overstep their boundaries need to know that even if they think they know what's best, YOU'RE the parent. YOU'RE in charge now. you're no longer a child, and you know what you want for your child. if you can't agree to some sort of compromise, then maybe you shouldn't ask those people to watch your baby anymore. sacrifices can always be made for the better welfare of the child.