intro

yosemitemom · June 2012

Hello. I'm a long-time nestie/bumper with a new screenname (since I hadn't logged on in a long while and couldn't seem to active my old profile). Sadly, I'm joining this board. At 21 weeks gestation, we found out that our second daughter has a severe Dan.dy Wa.lker Mal.formation (sorry, I don't want this to come up on every search engine). Her prognosis was not good at all and we made the excruciating decision to terminate for medical reasons. I had the injection on Monday, the lam.inaria insertion today and will have a D&E tomorrow. This has been the hardest week of my/our lives. We know that we made the right decision to save her from suffering, but it's still an enormous loss. We have a three-year old daughter that is our ray of sunshine and her love is really helping us stay positive.

For those that had other children, how did you explain the loss to them? Our daughter is so excited to become a big sister. We've started slowly by saying that her little sister is very sick....we're not sure where to go next with the news.

ally2011 · June 2012

I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter. There is a post below with a lot of good information for new loss moms. We are all here for you.

Hugs,

Jenn

ally2011 · June 2012

Here is the thread:

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/66361040.aspx

cherrycobbler · June 2012

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl. I would love to hear her name if you had one picked out. I don't have any advice to help with your three year old, but I hope you are able to find some comfort here on this board. The women here are all amazing listeners. much love and ((hugs)) to you and your family.

tubbsy32 · June 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss. Our son was just about to turn 3 when Jacob died. He expected me to come home with his baby brother. OMG?!?! What on earth was I suppose to say to him??? We sat down with him and told him that Jacob died and he is in heaven now. Of course he asked "why?". We were honest and told him that we don't know why. Being 3 he kept asking why, why, why. So, we told him that Jacob's heart stopped beating when he was living in my belly. We showed him the NILMDTS pictures, and unfortunately death is just a part of his life now. He asks questions from time to time. Yesterday after his bath he asked "Mommy, when I die, are you going to get a new Mikey?" The conversations with him always give me that painful lump in the throat feeling, but I always try to answer them honestly. I am so sorry you will have to have these conversations now. Please let me know if I can help at all. (((HUGS))

J&M0610 · June 2012

I am so sorry for your loss! ((HUGS)). My DD turned 3 in Narch and she knew about the baba and would kiss my stomach and say "I love you brother" to it. We really didn't say anything to her about the baby and she sort of forgot about it on her own. She was kept busy at my parents for the next week after my loss so I think that helped her "forget".

tuscanbride2007 · June 2012

I'm so very sorry for the loss. My DD is almost 4 and she still sometimes asks to buy a present for her sister or that she wishes her sister could live with us. Sometimes I handle it fine and other days the tears flow. Either way, it's ok.

A friend of mine bought the book, "We Were Going to Have a Baby, But We Had an Angel Instead." She really enjoyed reading that book before bed, but my DH has put it away now because he gets upset reading it. It is a hard to explain death to such a little person.

PM if you have any questions or would like to talk.

((Hugs to you))

karebear57 · June 2012

I am so sorry about your baby girl. My boys were older than than your oldest so they got the hint that day when I came home crying and knew I was going to the doc earlier. They still asked what happened to her and every once in a while they say they wish she was here. Kids can be very understanding, so I would try to be as truthful as possible with her age. (((Hugs))) I am so sorry.

Heatherhah · June 2012

I am so sorry that you have to join us here. I am also so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

My DD was 3 1/2 when her sister died we told her right away her sister was in heaven and we show her pictures all the time as we have them on the wallin our house and she has her own pictures in her room of her sister. She doesn't really get it but she knows her sister is not here and she understands that.

My advice is to always talk about second DD and make your first DD comfortable asking questions because for the rest of her life she will have a sister in heaven and she will want to talk about that often. It has been 8 months for us and my DD#1 still talks often about her sister and mentions her by name all the time , It hurts but it also helps.

Hugs to you!!

Heather

jbranden12 · June 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. Patricia was our first child so I cannot offer you any advice, but I hope that you can find some support here.

JessicaRobb · June 2012

I am very sorry for the loss of your daughter

Mrs Nice · June 2012

I am so so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Hugs!

mammamella · June 2012

So sorry to hear about the loss of your little girl. I lost my daughter almost a month ago to a rare disorder, so I understand how your feeling. As a previous poster said the book " We were going to have a baby, but we had an angel instead" is really good for young children. If you are having your procedure at a hospital, you may want to ask the Chaplain if they have any materials about loss that you could take home. The hospital where Irelynn passed away provided a few books and coloring pages etc.

My DD is 4 years old, and ask about the baby almost every day. Her preschool class made us a book of pictures and her teacher inscribed on the inside:

"Even though you can't see me, I live in your hearts and we will always be a family."

I think that's the best way to explain it.

whiteroses05 · June 2012

I don't have any advice to add, but I wanted to tell you I am sorry for your loss of you sweet daughter!! Know we are here to listen!! These ladies are wonderful!! T&P with your family!!