Pregnancy brings out the crazies

CFjo2010 · June 2012

I have an eye-roll worthy situation and question for you amazing ladies...

I pick K up from school every Tuesday and Thursday, and my husband handles the Friday drop off and pick up from school. K has known (and therefore BM has known) for more than 4 weeks about the baby. BM was obviously less than congratulatory about the news, and began telling K that it wasn?t "good news" and that once the baby is here, Daddy and I won?t care about K or want her around. Within 24 hours of leaving our house, K went from being over the moon excited about being a big sister and wanting to tell everyone the news to being sad and scared. My husband and I sat down with her and told her that we?ll always love her and want her around, and we?ve kept her as involved with the pregnancy as possible (we look at the weekly baby "updates", made her a photocopy of the ultrasound pictures, let her make a list of names, etc.). K?s been really excited since our talk and immediately told everyone at school "her" news. Now that the teacher and other parents know we?re pregnant, they ask/talk about it whenever my husband and/or I are at the school.

This morning my husband received an email from BM. She no longer wants me to pick K up from school (too bad it's in the CO) because "everyone asking about the pregnancy" is making her uncomfortable. She didn?t specify if she?s claiming it makes K uncomfortable, which we know isn?t the case. K is generally the one who initiates discussions about the pregnancy, and wants everyone to feel my belly. My husband forwarded me the email, but isn?t going to bother responding to it because what?s the point? BM has already said that us having a baby is just being done to "annoy and hurt" her, so in her crazy screwed up logic me being at the school would make her uncomfortable. Yes, she has turned my pregnancy into some vendetta against her. Starting in August I?ll be at the school every day, so is she really expecting me to not pick up my daughter and K just because she can?t deal with me being pregnant?

So I guess my question is: for those of you who have gone through a pregnancy dealing with an irrational and bitter BM, when does the anger and hostility start to fade? I imagine it?s only going to get worse once I?m really "showing", so her games and ridiculous demands are rather premature at this point. Should I just assume she?s always going to be this way?

Kaeldrasmommy · June 2012

I don't have anything useful for you, but OMG that woman is nuts!

Hopeforthebest · June 2012

I have no experience with this particular flavor of crazy, however I'd say assume/prepare for the worst and hope for the best (hence my sn).

Keep yourself and your little bean healthy and as stress free as possible. Go on with your life knowing you can't battle with crazy, they don't follow reason or logic and it's an unfair fight.

Poor K, I hope she can filter and enjoy the amount of unity you and your husband are providing in keeping her included.

Holly_1007 · June 2012

honestly, I would have your H nip it now, before it becomes an issue.

IMO, he should respond to the e-mail. state point blank that it is in the CO that you do pickup/drop off, you aren't rearranging your schedule for her. he can't control what other people do or say, and she needs to get over it. She needs to be supportive of SD and her feelings towards her new sibling. If she cannot handle the situation then perhaps he should have full custody and BM should seek therapy.

anyway, don't let BM get under your skin, you guys are doing a great job of including SD in the pregnancy, and I'm sure her teachers and peers are encouraging as well. its unfortunate that BM is making this so awful, just make sure you document it all!

CFjo2010 · June 2012

holly71087:

honestly, I would have your H nip it now, before it becomes an issue.

IMO, he should respond to the e-mail. state point blank that it is in the CO that you do pickup/drop off, you aren't rearranging your schedule for her. he can't control what other people do or say, and she needs to get over it. She needs to be supportive of SD and her feelings towards her new sibling. If she cannot handle the situation then perhaps he should have full custody and BM should seek therapy.

anyway, don't let BM get under your skin, you guys are doing a great job of including SD in the pregnancy, and I'm sure her teachers and peers are encouraging as well. its unfortunate that BM is making this so awful, just make sure you document it all!

We both keep copies of the CO in our gloveboxes in our cars, and the school has one on file as well. We're not worried about her trying to interfere with me picking up K, she knows she can't. He just doesn't want to play this game of responding to her and then listening/reading her angry "woe-is-me" tale afterwards.

CFjo2010 · June 2012

dbliesmer:

I would not respond as well. Continue with the same schedule. It sounds like it's just other people starting the conversation or K so it's a little different then you going around initiating it all. I'm guessing BM is slightly hurt with the whole situation and this is her way of dealing with it. If you respond to it, it may only get worse. Eventually she will come around. I was hesitant telling my SD BM about our pregnancy, but surprisingly she has taken it very well. I think it helps that we have been together for so long (dating/living together for 5, married for 3). It says you've been married for a little over a year, maybe in her mind she still doesn't think it's permanent. Who knows.

It can be frustrating but just be the bigger person and always try to be nice to her. There are lots of times when I've just smiled and agreed with what BM tells me. Like how the name for OUR baby isn't an appropriate name. Sometimes it's just not worth the headache to say something and cause more problems.

True, we've been married a year and a half. But we've been together for more than 5 years (including being married). This is also the same woman that threw a temper tantrum when we moved in together 4 months before the wedding and said, "What's the rush?".

bdbelladonna · June 2012

Best thing you can do imo is ignore her crazy. Be open and honest with K but if possible avoid talking about her mother around her. If she brings something up be kind and try not to say anything mean about her BM.

I have made a point of not speaking with my ex-husband for such reasons. I speak to him only when necessary and it is through email when I do have to speak to him. I know both DS and DD have told him about the baby in my belly but thankfully he has not said anything to me at this point. Although I do think my remarrying and having another baby has increased his hostility and lessened his willingness to do what is actually best for the kids.

Best of luck, just try not to let the crazy get to you.

Kaeldrasmommy · June 2012

dbliesmer:
I would not respond as well. Continue with the same schedule. It sounds like it's just other people starting the conversation or K so it's a little different then you going around initiating it all. I'm guessing BM is slightly hurt with the whole situation and this is her way of dealing with it. If you respond to it, it may only get worse. Eventually she will come around. I was hesitant telling my SD BM about our pregnancy, but surprisingly she has taken it very well. I think it helps that we have been together for so long (dating/living together for 5, married for 3). It says you've been married for a little over a year, maybe in her mind she still doesn't think it's permanent. Who knows.
It can be frustrating but just be the bigger person and always try to be nice to her. There are lots of times when I've just smiled and agreed with what BM tells me. Like how the name for OUR baby isn't an appropriate name. Sometimes it's just not worth the headache to say something and cause more problems.

She doesn't think the name you picked is appropriate? Oh god. Do yo9u mind me asking the name? I'm curious now.

CFjo2010 · June 2012

Kaeldrasmommy:
dbliesmer:

I would not respond as well. Continue with the same schedule. It sounds like it's just other people starting the conversation or K so it's a little different then you going around initiating it all. I'm guessing BM is slightly hurt with the whole situation and this is her way of dealing with it. If you respond to it, it may only get worse. Eventually she will come around. I was hesitant telling my SD BM about our pregnancy, but surprisingly she has taken it very well. I think it helps that we have been together for so long (dating/living together for 5, married for 3). It says you've been married for a little over a year, maybe in her mind she still doesn't think it's permanent. Who knows.

It can be frustrating but just be the bigger person and always try to be nice to her. There are lots of times when I've just smiled and agreed with what BM tells me. Like how the name for OUR baby isn't an appropriate name. Sometimes it's just not worth the headache to say something and cause more problems.

She doesn't think the name you picked is appropriate? Oh god. Do yo9u mind me asking the name? I'm curious now.

I hope that it's Princess Consuela Banana Hammock Wink

CFjo2010 · June 2012

Pegleg715:
jobalchak:
Kaeldrasmommy:
dbliesmer:

I would not respond as well. Continue with the same schedule. It sounds like it's just other people starting the conversation or K so it's a little different then you going around initiating it all. I'm guessing BM is slightly hurt with the whole situation and this is her way of dealing with it. If you respond to it, it may only get worse. Eventually she will come around. I was hesitant telling my SD BM about our pregnancy, but surprisingly she has taken it very well. I think it helps that we have been together for so long (dating/living together for 5, married for 3). It says you've been married for a little over a year, maybe in her mind she still doesn't think it's permanent. Who knows.

It can be frustrating but just be the bigger person and always try to be nice to her. There are lots of times when I've just smiled and agreed with what BM tells me. Like how the name for OUR baby isn't an appropriate name. Sometimes it's just not worth the headache to say something and cause more problems.

She doesn't think the name you picked is appropriate? Oh god. Do yo9u mind me asking the name? I'm curious now.

I hope that it's Princess Consuela Banana Hammock

I also would love to know the name, and I LOVE that you hope it's Princess consuela Banana Hammock!!!

And, PP... of COURSE you're pregnant to screw with BM.. isn't that the logical answer? Isn't that why ALL step moms get pregnant? Just to piss off BM... nothing to do with wanting another child! That to me says how crazy she is and to avoid her at all costs and let DH deal with her.. good luck!

When she said that, I burst out laughing. I know that laughing at her didn't help, but her statement was so absurd!! I mean really, "annoying and hurting" her is totally worth the stretch marks, getting fat, labor and delivery and sleepless nights....

Kaeldrasmommy · June 2012

dbliesmer:
jobalchak:
Kaeldrasmommy:
dbliesmer:

I would not respond as well. Continue with the same schedule. It sounds like it's just other people starting the conversation or K so it's a little different then you going around initiating it all. I'm guessing BM is slightly hurt with the whole situation and this is her way of dealing with it. If you respond to it, it may only get worse. Eventually she will come around. I was hesitant telling my SD BM about our pregnancy, but surprisingly she has taken it very well. I think it helps that we have been together for so long (dating/living together for 5, married for 3). It says you've been married for a little over a year, maybe in her mind she still doesn't think it's permanent. Who knows.

It can be frustrating but just be the bigger person and always try to be nice to her. There are lots of times when I've just smiled and agreed with what BM tells me. Like how the name for OUR baby isn't an appropriate name. Sometimes it's just not worth the headache to say something and cause more problems.

She doesn't think the name you picked is appropriate? Oh god. Do yo9u mind me asking the name? I'm curious now.

I hope that it's Princess Consuela Banana Hammock

bahaha, this totally made me laugh. Love Friends!!!

This was the boys name we were considering as we didn't know what we were having yet. It was Chance. Her and her mom bombarded me one day when I was picking up SD and lectured me for almost 20 minutes on how that name wasn't a good name. They actually said that the only people that name their kids Chance are from Utah and Wyoming or cowboys. REALLY!!! We actually looked it up and it's not that unpopular of a name and I don't think it's all that bad. I just politely agreed with them and then let it go. But not before telling H. That they thought they actually had advice on what we named OUR baby is what floored me. I was secretly hoping we'd have a boy just to put them in their place.

EDIT: this was also the name that H and her would have named SD if she were a boy. It is my H's top choice for a boy name and even though I wasn't liking it at first I was okay with it because of how much he liked it.

That it would be something so simple and common to have them lecture you. I have a brother (although it's hard to see a technically stepbrother as brother when I didn't meet him until I was in my 20's) named Chance.

And lol Jobal, no kidding!

Tasheystar · June 2012

jobalchak:

True, we've been married a year and a half. But we've been together for more than 5 years (including being married). This is also the same woman that threw a temper tantrum when we moved in together 4 months before the wedding and said, "What's the rush?".

BM said a similar thing when DH & I got engaged. "Isn't that a little sudden?". At the time, MIL stepped in and said "Not really. FIL asked me after two weeks of dating".

Although I would like to urge you to answer the email, I'm coming to the conclusion that you really can't argue with crazy, therefore ignore if you can.

ps: I definitely want to have a million sleepless nights/abdominal surgery just so that BM's feelings are hurt. I'm sure you do too

JonesBaby0624 · June 2012

jobalchak:
Kaeldrasmommy:
dbliesmer:

I would not respond as well. Continue with the same schedule. It sounds like it's just other people starting the conversation or K so it's a little different then you going around initiating it all. I'm guessing BM is slightly hurt with the whole situation and this is her way of dealing with it. If you respond to it, it may only get worse. Eventually she will come around. I was hesitant telling my SD BM about our pregnancy, but surprisingly she has taken it very well. I think it helps that we have been together for so long (dating/living together for 5, married for 3). It says you've been married for a little over a year, maybe in her mind she still doesn't think it's permanent. Who knows.

It can be frustrating but just be the bigger person and always try to be nice to her. There are lots of times when I've just smiled and agreed with what BM tells me. Like how the name for OUR baby isn't an appropriate name. Sometimes it's just not worth the headache to say something and cause more problems.

She doesn't think the name you picked is appropriate? Oh god. Do yo9u mind me asking the name? I'm curious now.

I hope that it's Princess Consuela Banana Hammock

I like Mike "Crap Bag".

FutureMrsWittig · June 2012

I would ask your H to respond with one sentence "I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable but we will not be altering our current arrangement."

She has no say. Period. And he should let her know it.

School is out for summer anyway. Woman needs to spend the summer getting on with her life.

CFjo2010 · June 2012

FutureMrsWittig:

I would ask your H to respond with one sentence "I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable but we will not be altering our current arrangement."

She has no say. Period. And he should let her know it.

School is out for summer anyway. Woman needs to spend the summer getting on with her life.

I wish school was out!! We about a week left, plus the Carnival this Friday, K's promotion ceremony next Tuesday... And then come August I'll be there every day.

When my husband didn't respond to her email, BM text him and asked if he had received it. His response was pretty great: "Per the CO Jo or I am responsible for after-school pickup. If it makes you uncomfortable, then don't be there when we pick up K as you have no business there on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays." Of course, there was no response.

fellesferie · June 2012

So, I think there are some control issues when it comes to K. It seems pretty clear that BM wants to be the only parent in K's life, and she resents the hell out of you guys just for being around.

But beyond that, it sounds like she's irrational and there are some mental concerns. It's just not reasonable or sane to think that you being pregnant has anything to do with her.

Maybe your husband has already done this, or maybe it's just not possible, but I'd consider having him email/call/whatever her and just put your cards on the table. Like saying that you guys are worried about how this strife affects K, and that you're willing to work with her if she will work with you.

I know it's exhausting for you guys, and being crazy has to wear her out, too.

CFjo2010 · June 2012

fellesferie:

So, I think there are some control issues when it comes to K. It seems pretty clear that BM wants to be the only parent in K's life, and she resents the hell out of you guys just for being around.

But beyond that, it sounds like she's irrational and there are some mental concerns. It's just not reasonable or sane to think that you being pregnant has anything to do with her.

Maybe your husband has already done this, or maybe it's just not possible, but I'd consider having him email/call/whatever her and just put your cards on the table. Like saying that you guys are worried about how this strife affects K, and that you're willing to work with her if she will work with you.

I know it's exhausting for you guys, and being crazy has to wear her out, too.

Felles, trust me we've tried to work with her. Things were just fine with her until it became obvious that the wedding was in fact going forward. Then everything just fell apart: she immediately filed a bogus Domestic Violence Restraining Order, started withholding K from my husband (police had to get involved), began taking K to the Dr for every tiny cough, sniffle, scratch, etc and claimed K was getting sick and hurt at our home, the list goes on and on. Everytime these things have come up, my husband has tried to reason with her and explain that this constant battle of hers against us isn't healthy for K. Her solution? She wanted my husband to either divorce me and be with her, or terminate his parental rights.

We've tried to put K in counseling as a preemptive strike of sorts against BM's antics, but she refuses to agree to a counselor. Finally after a blow up at K's Valentine's performance (K was left crying and angry after the performance because BM made her change clothes for no other reason than to control the situation), the teacher said if BM didn't agree to K seeing the school counselor then she would be contacting CPS. That has helped some, but it's really BM that needs therapy. It's been 7+ years since she and my husband broke up and she just can't move on.

This issue with the pregnancy is just one more "attack" on her as far as she's concerned. Usually my husband and I are able to roll our eyes and carry on as though she never said anything (much like with the current situation), but occassionally things are said to K that we need to try and do "damage control". It sucks and it's hard, but we feel as long as K has some stability with us, then maybe the chaos with her mom won't hurt her as much in the long run. Almost like, we're hoping the stable happy home we have with her will balance out the craziness she has when she's with BM. Does that make sense?

Littlejen22 · June 2012

dbliesmer:
jobalchak:
Kaeldrasmommy:
dbliesmer:

I would not respond as well. Continue with the same schedule. It sounds like it's just other people starting the conversation or K so it's a little different then you going around initiating it all. I'm guessing BM is slightly hurt with the whole situation and this is her way of dealing with it. If you respond to it, it may only get worse. Eventually she will come around. I was hesitant telling my SD BM about our pregnancy, but surprisingly she has taken it very well. I think it helps that we have been together for so long (dating/living together for 5, married for 3). It says you've been married for a little over a year, maybe in her mind she still doesn't think it's permanent. Who knows.

It can be frustrating but just be the bigger person and always try to be nice to her. There are lots of times when I've just smiled and agreed with what BM tells me. Like how the name for OUR baby isn't an appropriate name. Sometimes it's just not worth the headache to say something and cause more problems.

She doesn't think the name you picked is appropriate? Oh god. Do yo9u mind me asking the name? I'm curious now.

I hope that it's Princess Consuela Banana Hammock

bahaha, this totally made me laugh. Love Friends!!!

This was the boys name we were considering as we didn't know what we were having yet. It was Chance. Her and her mom bombarded me one day when I was picking up SD and lectured me for almost 20 minutes on how that name wasn't a good name. They actually said that the only people that name their kids Chance are from Utah and Wyoming or cowboys. REALLY!!! We actually looked it up and it's not that unpopular of a name and I don't think it's all that bad. I just politely agreed with them and then let it go. But not before telling H. That they thought they actually had advice on what we named OUR baby is what floored me. I was secretly hoping we'd have a boy just to put them in their place.

EDIT: this was also the name that H and her would have named SD if she were a boy. It is my H's top choice for a boy name and even though I wasn't liking it at first I was okay with it because of how much he liked it.

I know I said I am leaving but was here reading responses and PMs from my last post.

WAIT, am I reading this right? You were going to use the name she and DH picked out together? You do not see why she would not like that?

If i am right then the reason she choose to tell you might be stupid but what she wanted to say was, "Pscho, pick out your own names instead of using the name that me and your DH agreed upon while laying in bed after having sex.

And just to state, I do not think anyone owns a name unless I made it up myself then I might be annoyed if someone I know used it. My bFF could use my kids names and I would not think twice but the name your DH and his ex wanted to use should be on the do not use list.

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