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2nd Trimester
Help me end the argument
So lately S/O and I have been talking about the right type of Discipline for a child of different age, although we were both spanked as children we both have different feelings about it. I DO NOT BELIEVE IN SPANKING! and I am strongly against it. He thinks that since he was and it worked on him that we should spank our child. He doesn't have an age in mind of when to start this but has said that it depends on the issue.
Who believes in spanking and really do you think it is appropirate? I agree that time outs are not always affective but there are many forms of discipline and what do you suggest?
My sister in law came up with the cutest say to stop a behavior that she thinks is not right - she taught my niece to shake out the naughties. So when she is up to no good she is told to shake it out and she stands there and laughs while wiggling her whole body. Typically is makes her forget about the thing she was doing.
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Re: Help me end the argument
I do believe in spanking, but only for a certain age. If you do it too young, they'll hit other people because they don't understand why they're being hit. If you do it too late, it's just weird and ineffective. And it's not like th laying over the lap kind of spanking. It's the grab by the arm and give them a good swat kind of spanking.
My mom did the opposite, though. We did get spanked, but then she realized that we responded better to rewarding good behavior. I think it depends on the kid. Some need spanking and others are ok with a timeout. I didn't care about the timeout thing, so they had to do something.
Spanking is not bad. However, more often than not, there is a better way to discipline.
The punishment has to fit the crime. If a child spills milk, he/she has to wipe it up. Timeouts are effective if used properly. Many parents overuse timeouts - but it doesn't work for everything.
Honestly, it depends on the child and the specific situation. Our child will be spanked if we need to. I don't know what that situation looks like yet, but spanking will be a last resort.
Sorry, but I don't go for "shaking out the naughties." It means that a kid becomes cute when he/she misbehaves. A child needs to know the rules and why rules are rules. "We don't throw sand because..." and the child also needs to know what will happen if they do throw sand - no more playing in the sandbox.
I was not spanked as a child and before having children of my own, was *extremely* against spanking. However, I have resorted to doing so with my now 4yo on a handful of occasions. We always first try positive reinforcement (praise, treats, stickers, etc), negative consequences (usually something being taken away), as well as distraction for unwanted behavior. However, there are times when it seems as though we've run out of options and her behavior requires a consequence- spanking has fit that bill.
So I agree with your husband- I think it depends on the age and the issue. I would never dream of spanking my 18mo- she is not nearly at an age where she can understand such a consequence. I think there are many parenting tools and spanking can be effectively used as one of them.
I'm in favor of this one too. We were having a discussion on BOTB the other day about "logical consequences" type parenting. In other words, if you draw on the wall you lose all your crayons and have to earn them back. Or, if you're too full to finish your dinner you are therefore too full for dessert. I think it teaches kids that their actions have consequences and also encourages them to think things through to their logical conclusion.
We believe in the 3 strikes your out rule. We'll tell him once not to do it and why he shouldn't do it, if he continues on to a second time we'll tell him to just stop and the third time we'll either take something away, put him in time out or swat him on the butt (depending on the severity of the issue) I don't believe in just swatting him on the butt, just because. He'd have to do something really naughty lol
I should have been more clear... Of course we will tell them to stop whatever they are doing prior to any spankings.
I was spanked also and see nothing wrong with it.
Shaking out the naughties seems useless if you ask me.
There is a big diff between spanking and blatently beating your child. When I think of spanking I think of a few light taps on the butt, not a full on beating. All my mom had to do was threaten to spank me and I'd straighten up. I think this discussion could go on and on as to what is right and what is wrong. You need to know when to draw the line on the spanking as to what is too much. Most people are not using spanking to beat their kids and cause physical harm, they use it as a way to get the child to behave. I've been around enough brats that could use a little tap on the butt, but instead get time out which in my mind is pointless.
I don't see spanking as child abuse either. Now if spanking leaves marks and bruises and parents are doing it all the time, yes that is child abuse but the way I'd use a spanking in my eyes wouldn't constitute abuse.
We will definitely be spanking our children. Both DH and I grew up in healthy loving families and both of us were spanked. I agree with some of the oppinions of "non spankers" as it can get out of control and border on abuse. My parents alwasy told us we were going to get a spanking and then waited for like 30 mins (what seemed like hours to us kids) while we were in our rooms so they could cool off and discipline out of love rather than anger. We also had a lot of time in our rooms to think about what we had done wrong and after the spanking we got a big hug and sat down with mom or dad and discussed the situation. The punnishment was used when warrented which wasn't too often that I recall and I think was a very effective way to teach us kids. My parents also understood the age factor. I don't know how young we were when they started but I think once we hit the 10 - 13 range not sure exactly when... spanking was no longer used. Like pp said you should not use spanking as a form of punnishment until the child is at the age where they understand what they did wrong an know why they are getting spanked.
I am OK w/ it now having had 2 children in a rare circumstance. I said I wouldn't but just add it to my list of many things I said never to before I had a kid & then have renigged on.
Discipline has to be consistant. If your child knows that you mean business,I think anything can be affective.
as far as child abuse/mandatory reporting/cps, etc....spanking is not physical abuse unless it harms or could harm a child. that is the law in my state (texas), at least....but there is a fine line between physical discipline and physical abuse, one that gets crossed a LOT more often than people realize, even by "good parents." i think using physical discipline when a parent is very angry is a really bad idea.
personally, i don't believe in spanking as a form of discipline, mainly because there are other forms of discipline that work a lot better for most kids.
btw, i hate the argument that not spanking is the reason so many "kids these days" are out of control, disrespectful, etc. kids are not out of control because their parents don't spank, they are out of control because they have no discipline and no structure in their lives. trust me, some of those out of control kids probably actually have the shit beat out of them. it's just not consistent, not structured, not done by caring, involved parents.