Special Needs
'God has a plan for your son...
....and everything happens for a reason.'
I know that people say this with good intention, but it is perhaps the most irritating thing that people tell me. I hear it a lot more than I would like to. Really? What about all the innocent children that die of horrible diseases? That was God's plan for them?
I never know how to respond to that. I usually just smile. What do you/would you say?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: 'God has a plan for your son...
This sounds like me exactly. I was raised to be very religious, but am not quite sure where I stand now.
((((hugs)))) Been there, lady. And hugs to
I usually say (somewhat ungraciously), "Is that supposed to make me feel better? Because it doesn't." I figure that people who feel the need to say that think they're giving me information that they think I don't have and that will make me stop hurting, or at least stop telling them that I hurt.
Now, if they ask me what I do believe, I tell them that personally, I do believe that God has a plan for my son. I don't think that premature birth and autism were specifically outlined in that plan. I figure that sometimes bad crap happens to good people and God's will and God's love can come through even with all of that crap. (shrug) But that's me. And I don't EVER feel the need to dictate what or whether anyone else believes. I try to just live it.
And telling someone that their child's suffering is what God wants isn't a very loving thing to say and I frankly don't think He likes that very much. I somehow can't picture Jesus walking by a guy who is bleeding to death on a road, stopping to say, "It's God's will," and then continuing on His way.
Sorry for the novel. That crap pisses me off. ((((HUGS)))) to all of you who have ever heard that nonsense.
I had never read that one until you posted about it not too long ago. I don't particularly like it but I do like this line, "She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says "Momma" for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it!"
I don't really think people envy us but for sake of the following line I had to preface it with that one. That line makes me feel warm and cozy for some reason.
Hehe. God's plan for my friends cracked me up.
I hadn't heard that one before. Like you, I am not crazy about it!
don't even get me started!
Hopefully I won't be eaten by piranas here, but I have actually often thought that God "gave" me DS2 to teach me patience. Do I like that he is disabled? Of course not. Do I think it is fair that he is? Nope. But has the thought ever crossed my mind "God does everything for a reason?" Yes. Do I believe it? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. I am not the most religious of people but I have thought that the "reason" God gave me DS2 was to teach me patience and I won't lie about that to myself or to others.
Do I like when people tell me that God gave me DS2 for a reason or that I'm some super awesome mom or person for taking care of him? Not really. I know it is typically said as a way of support or caring or not knowing what else to say. Shoot, I've said the same thing to other people before...in the past for sure. Now, I'm not so quick to offer that line up to people but I probably have at least thought of it.
And I have to say, that I really liked the retort of that you can say it because it is happening to my family and not yours.
I was of the understanding that we live in a fallen world and so bad things happen. This world is not His. Anyway, that's my own beliefs. That said, my parents always lived by the statement "everything happens for a reason", but they would never associate that with a parent of a child with special needs. That's just rude and obnoxious. Same goes for "God has a plan for your son." It doesn't make it all better. People just don't think until they've gone through it.
I admire the perspective that you have.
I don't think anyone would eat you alive here for feeling that way! I truly admire people who have true faith. I just, right now can't do it. Nor do I really "believe" in it. But, I don't really know what I believe. My best friend is a very faithful person and we get along great around the subject of religion.
I have faith that things happen for a reason- however the phrase is way overused, and people throw it out callously and self-rightously. People often say it to minimize people's pain, but it actually amplifies it. Like my mom is tired of hearing me complain about DS' issues so she'll cut me off and say "god has a plan." Okay- so how do I overcome his newfound anxiety of having the sink overflow when he's washing his hands? Even if God has a plan, we have to slog through the daily stuff too.
I will admit that I did not have this perspective before we had DS. I remember a good friend of mine finding out her baby was going to have Downs when born. I didn't know what to say, so I blurted out something like, "Well I'm sure you'll be a better parent because of it." I was awkward and didn't know how to talk about it. I try to be patient with people now when they say stupid stuff like this, because I remember how hard it was for me. When it happens over and over I just stop talking to that person. There are very, very few people I talk to about DS' autism.
My personal feeling is that God chose me to be DS mom. As difficult as it has been, I can handle it. I can advocate. I can dust myself off day after day and stand up to family, friends and the world at large - when these entities are not supporting in the way we truly need them to. I can strive to provide supports and therapies that will give him the best possible outcomes. That is my job. God chose me, rather than someone else who would be less equipped.
I sometimes crave what "normal" feel like. But I can't dwell on that and just have to be in the moment and look toward the future with as much joy and optimism I can muster. I definitely have some bad days but I try to keep a good perspective as much as possible.