I feel like I'm being taking advantage of...* long vent*
Cindal
member
Okay this is a really long vent, settle in, grab a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, I'm sorry.
I feel like lately a friend of mine is really taking advantage of me and feeling like this is really beginning to bother me. I don't know if I'm just reading too much into it or not and could use a bit of advice I guess.
First off a wee bit of background, this woman has been my best friend for the past 16 - 17 years. I'm the official god mother to her two sons (meaning if she and her husband were to die, I'm the one she wants to have the kids, legally). Her and her husband both have very good jobs while I usually struggle a bit with my photography business though my husband has a pretty good job.
I've done over 5 photography sessions for her for free and while I didn't mind doing the first couple for free I feel like if she likes my work enough to keep coming back then she should at the very least offer to pay me for my time or reimburse me in some way, even if it was just taking me out to eat. That's what started it it I think.
Then she was consistently calling me asking me to babysit so she and her husband could go out. Which I didn't mind until she started telling me she'd be back at such and such time and would show up over an hour late. One time she asked if the oldest could spend the night, I said yes, come pick him up a little after breakfast. She didn't come pick him up until 3 in the afternoon. I don't know about you but I don't consider that a little after breakfast especially knowing the kid wakes up and asks for breakfast around 8 like clockwork.
Then her regular day-to-day babysitter/preschool lady quit on her suddenly. She called me bawling, because no one in the family would watch the kids and she didn't want to quit her job to stay home with them. I couldn't say no to her. So I told her I would watch them temporarily til she could find someone else. It's been over a month now. I've been watching the boys, now 5yrs and 6months old for three days a week for 9 hours each day starting at 6 in the morning and ending after three sometimes 4. She is paying me, but only $60.00 a week. I've had to buy some different groceries so that I can feed the oldest. I'm falling behind on my photography, and ttc has pretty much flown out the window between the kids and my husbands work schedule. Now my husband is moving to working nights which means he'll have to be asleep during the day when the kids are here. I mentioned that this would be happening and she should take it into consideration. She acted like she didn't understand why this would effect my watching them. I had to explain it to her twice. Her reaction has led me to believe that she hasn't even been looking for someone else to watch the kids. Ontop of that my cats are terrified of the kids and hide the entire time they are here and I feel bad for them. Then the kids come over and I picked fleas off the baby! I freaked out a bit.The older one proceeds to show me his bites on his ankles from 'artie's fleas', their dog. My oldest cat is highly allergic to fleas (i know a cat allergic to fleas go figure) But one bite for her is like 20 bites for the other cat. She's started to pull out her hair and urp up on the floor and already has scabs around her neck. I feel so horrible for her. I've ordered her medicine but I can't let this keep happening to her. She's my responsibility. Just like spending time with my husband and helping him get through the shift change is my responsibility. Anyways she claimed that she didn't have the money to pay some of the preschools. Sure but then I turn around and just this month, they repainted their entire house, bought new living room furniture, new curtains, a new bedroom set for the oldest kid, she's went to the hair dresser at least twice, went clothes shopping and spent a hundred dollars several times. What?! Since when is that money troubles.
I've got to tell her I can't watch the boys anymore especially with DH's work schedule changing, but I'm afraid that she's going to get angry or start crying. I don't know how to broach the subject and I'm worried that I'll lose her as a friend. I might be making more out of it than it is because of my imagination but I can just hear her saying, "Well they're your godsons, if you can't handle them now...." or "If you can't handle my kids than maybe you should reconsider ttc." or "I don't have anyone else if you were really my friend..." I don't know that she'd actually say any of that but in my head thats what I'm afraid of. What do you think? Does it sound like she's taking advantage of me or am I blowing this out of proportion? How would you handle the situation? Sorry for it being so very very long, I didn't want to leave anything out.
Me: 27 Dh: 35 Testing Begins 3/5/13
Six SA's show DH has low numbers across the board = severe MFI
Genetic testing for me = MTHFR+, also carrier for blood clotting disorder Otherwise all else normal
Dh's karotype= Normal!!
Re: I feel like I'm being taking advantage of...* long vent*
Yes it seems like she is taking advantage of you. Ask her out for coffee and tell her how you feel. That's the only way you are going to know what will happen. If you keep letting her walk all over you, you will start to recent her, and the friendship will be over anyways.
Oh and I LOVE your siggy pic!!! I had a stuffed Wicket Ewok when I was little.
Regarding the photo sessions the next time she asks I would just say "sorry I can't do those for free any more for friends and family because some were taking advantage of my generosity and it ruined it for everyone!"
As to watching the kids, write her a letter today giving her 30 day notice. Tell her you picked up a big client portfolio in July you're going into graduation/wedding season and need to be available for more clients. If she's upset about any of this she wasn't really a friend to begin with
I think you should sit down and talk to her. Write up a two week notice about you not being able to watch her kids anymore. You helped her when she was Ina bind before, but now she's clearly just taking advantage of you. And the thing about people like that is that they will continue to take advantage of you for as long as you let them.
Yea, this might result in losing her friendship, which would certainly be difficult. But you have to think that if she were grisly your friend she wouldn't be treating you this way.
Good luck and I hope it goes well! Best of luck in your business, ttc, and your husband's schedule change as well!!
My brother named me after the main character in the movie so obviously I was completely in love with it and especially Wicket! lol
I know I have to say something soon cause you are right I am already starting to resent her and I hate feeling this way.
Me: 27 Dh: 35 Testing Begins 3/5/13
Six SA's show DH has low numbers across the board = severe MFI
Genetic testing for me = MTHFR+, also carrier for blood clotting disorder Otherwise all else normal
Dh's karotype= Normal!!
Me: 27 Dh: 35 Testing Begins 3/5/13
Six SA's show DH has low numbers across the board = severe MFI
Genetic testing for me = MTHFR+, also carrier for blood clotting disorder Otherwise all else normal
Dh's karotype= Normal!!
She is definitely taking advantage of you. From reading what you wrote, I think we have a lot in common as far as wanting to help our friends and not being able to say no. Without getting into it, I recently had a friend take advantage of my free babysitting (said she was working late but when she and her hubby came to pick up their 3 m/o she reeked of booze and he of pot)......NOT even going into the fact that I didn't want to give them their child while they were under the influence. But anyway, I told her I would help when I could, and then when I got job interviews and such I told her I couldn't do it one week, and then the next, and slowly she found other people to watch Brigid. Don't get me wrong, that child is beautiful and I love her to pieces, but anyway.
I think you should sit down and talk with her and tell her that you feel as though she is taking care of your good natured personality. Tell her that you will watch the kids for another week or 2 weeks or whatever you feel comfortable with, but if by that time she hasn't found a replacement babysitter, then she's going to have to find someone else. $60 for ~45 hours of watching 2 kids is CRAZY! I know people struggle, but maybe you could ask her to pack lunch for her older son? That to me seems like you gave her an inch and she took a lightyear....not a mile. I would be super peeved if I were in your shoes. Good luck and I wish you the best. You can PM me if you would like.
I wanted to update for those of you who might be interested in how my talk went.
We went out for lunch this afternoon her suggestion and I decided that it was the perfect time to talk to her about it. Course being afraidy cat i waited til the end to tell her, so I could enjoy our lunch just in case. I told her that DH just couldn't sleep with the kids there even though I was practically ontop of the baby all day trying to keep him quiet, but you know a happy 6month old can almost be as loud as an unhappy one. So in short the thursday after next which is when Dh shift rotates back to nights on that Friday would be my very last day. I told her I would still be available for the every once and a while date night watching but not every day. And while maybe I shouldn't have I told her not to pay me for this week and next, to put that money towards whoever she got to watch them.
I was surprised by how well she took the news. I guess I was so worried about her reaction and so stressed I was prepared for the hurricane when it didn't even sprinkle. I think it helped that I told her a few weeks ago that it might happen if DH couldn't sleep with the kids there. And I know it helps that she thinks her recently unemployed sister will be able to watch them. But at any rate, I'm so happy this is taken care of and I hope in the future I can put my foot down before I let myself get this worked up about something. I was so afraid of loosing my oldest and most trusted friend that I let her run all over me and maybe she didn't even realize it.
Thanks again everyone for the support and advice!
Me: 27 Dh: 35 Testing Begins 3/5/13
Six SA's show DH has low numbers across the board = severe MFI
Genetic testing for me = MTHFR+, also carrier for blood clotting disorder Otherwise all else normal
Dh's karotype= Normal!!