anyone else? marriage stuff (long)

iluvmylab · June 2012

DH and I are not doing a good job of taking care of our marriage. We've been fighting quite a bit (a lot of bickering really) about stupid stuff. When I try to talk to him about it, he gets passive aggressive and defensive, which I know is a whole other problem in itself. I don't know what to do. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around him when I have something I want to talk about because it just seems to make him madder. It's kind of always been this way with him, but we really never fought much before. Now we are both more stressed and naturally, that causing more bickering. I just wish I could feel like I could talk to him when something is bothering me intead of hiding it until I blow up later.

In turn, he thinks *everything* I do/say is passive aggressive. And while I do admit that I am that way sometimes, it seems as if he likes to over-analyze everything I say and do and turn it into something it's not. That probably makes no sense, but I don't know how else to describe it.

For example, yesterday I was making baby food and I asked him to put the few dishes from the sink into the dishwasher. He said he would get to it later and walked off. I needed the space in the sink to clean all the baby food stuff, so I did it myself. I didn't say a word about it but when he saw that I did it, got in a tizzy about it. He said, "Well why didn't you just say that?" (that I needed the room.) I wanted to answer "Would it have made a difference?" But I stopped myself and just ignored it. I don't want to make him out to be a total a$$, he usually takes care of the dishes. But this is just an example of how he turned me doing it myself into some huge deal, when it clearly wasn't. But he also ALWAYS does this. I feel like I have to ask him to do everything and when I do, he always says he will do it later. Sometimes he does, but usually I just get impatient and do it myself. Like the air filter I asked him to change on Tuesday....he said he'd do it this weekend. I just did it myself because I know it won't get done today and I was tired of breathing dirty AC air. See what I mean when I tell you what we fight about is stupid?

I know he's stressed with work and his mom has recently given him a guilt trip about us always going to see my family (which I plan since they are only about 2 hours away) and we *never* come see them. We do, it's just not as often because she is 4 hours away and DH never feels like going. So I don't know if he's resenting me because of that maybe?

We don't have anyone close enough that can babysit so we can have a regular date night and right now, I really don't want to go anywhere with him anyway. I'm just unhappy and don't know what to do. Not really looking for adivce, but I'll take it if you have any. I just needed to type it out. Thanks for listening.

Greenbaby3114 · June 2012

I have no advice but I can say that DH and I are going through the same thing. I know it's normal. We are both tired, stressed, and getting used to our new life. It took me a while to get used to being married. I got that down (after almost 6 yrs) and now we will both have to get used to DS in our life too. Marriage just naturally ebbs and flows. I try to bite my tongue a lot like you. I wish DH would learn the same. Words are the worse because once you say it you really can't take it back. It's out there. I try so hard to be careful what I say even though I have a million daggers for him running through my head! Someone has to be the bigger person and I DONT like arguing around DS so I try to avoid it at all costs when he is awake and around. Hang in there. I'm confident it will all get better if you were strong in your marriage before. If you are religious, I've been reading a book called "The Power of the Praying Wife". It helps.

uncharch7 · June 2012

We go through it too. It was BAD about 6 weeks after DS was born, but it was more about how I never showed DH affection or said any compliments to him. I went to counseling for awhile, which didn't really help (it was more that the counselor wasn't a good fit but I couldn't change it because it was through my work's EAP).

We have our moments now, too. Yesterday we bickered because he had just gotten done saying that everyone was bumping into the stroller (we had just finished a 5k and were waiting around for the results) and then I did it too. He made a comment and I bit back with how he wasn't exactly in the best spot and it was either me hitting the stroller or someone else bumping into me and DS, so I chose the stroller. It's stupid stuff. We didn't speak to each other for about an hour after, but then we agreed to move on and not let it ruin our day.

We struggle with talking about stuff outside of work and DS since that is basically our entire life right now. Are you able to find someone local to babysit, like a high schooler that you'd trust for an hour or two, and then when you are on a good streak go out on a date? It's hard to take care of a child and your marriage too; I've noticed that it's easier to take care of DS since he'll let me know if he's not being taken care of... a marriage isn't always as vocal and often you don't realize something's wrong until you're really far down the "wrong" path. Hugs, dear.

rockychryslerb2010 · June 2012

We went through something similar in the last few weeks. It was probably the lowest point in our relationship (married for almost three years, dated for four) and it was also the height of E's sleeping issues. We worked through it with lots of communication and are now in a better place together. No real advice since every marriage is different, but hopefully you work it out soon. I feel you on not being happy, I said this to H last weekend, which really prompted us to actively start working on our relationship again, which we had both let go when we were going through the rough patch with E.

mom2danny · June 2012

It's normal. It happened after having our first child, then again on the second. It will get better, but adjusting to having a child is always difficult.

Kelly1109 · June 2012

Everyone goes through ups and downs in their marriage. The stress of a new baby who is taking away attention definitely happens. Dh & I have been there with both kids. Since having DS we have been out one night alone. We need to get better too. Can you guys make time alone after DS is asleep one night? Make a nice meal, have some wine, talk, etc? One thing too is to treat him the way you want to be treated. I tend to snap and be sarcastic with dh a lot but when he does it to me I get pissed. I'm trying to make a better effort to treat him better and already we are having less tiffs.

Good luck. Try to take time just to focus on your relationship in a positive manner and hopefully he will respond as well.

Ricola · June 2012

((hugs))

I need to remind myself all the time to be more patient with DH, but I told him yesterday that all my patience these days is used up by DS and there is not much left for him. It's the little things that bother me, too. Yesterday I cleaned the whole house, including steam-mopping the floors. Well, a couple hours after I was done he cooked burgers for us and bottled his beer. The kitchen floor had raw beef, red onions and wheat beer on it and I was so mad. I had just cleaned it and now I had to do it all over again, because it bothers me, but not him. Just took a deep breath and did it without saying something this time, but it doesn't always work that way.

I am sorry, I hope you guys figure it out soon!

Ricola · June 2012

I also try to sneak out with DH after DS is in bed about once a week. We sit on our bench (right in front of our front door) and drink a Bailey's together and talk. I try to talk about good old times and remember special moments with him or about upcoming fun stuff that we have planned. It makes me feel connected to him instantly.

((more hugs))

CamJack mom · June 2012

This happened to us after DS2 was born. In fact, we had the same issues, it's kind of creepy how kids affect people the same way. Here are my suggestions

1 -realize that this is not a product of a lazy DH, it is a product of 2 tired people who now have more stresses to add to the norm.

2- you need to talk to DH when there is NOT an issue. Wait until you guys are in a good space then talk to him. It will turn into a blow-up, but make sure you are not passing blame. Go to him with a solution, not just complaining about the problem. WHen I approached DH, I told him that we needed to talk about ways to help us NOT argue. I told him that when I asked him to do something and he told me he'd do it later, that sometimes I need it done now. I told him not to take offense. He came back with the same thing as your DH "but if you need it done now just say so". To which I responded, "if I did that I'd be acting like your mother, and who wants to be married to their mother." He looked at me like I was crazy, but this conversation went on for over an hour. It was a good talk. It took some time for everything to work itself out, but it was worth it.

The rules of the conversation -

Don't try to be right and don't try to WIN, it will never work out.

Understand that the 2 of you won't agree, he doesn't see what he's doing as wrong, you're just wired differently.

After a certain point, you will start arguing about things that have nothing to do with the issue at hand, at this point, it is time to stop the converstation. Once you've both had time to sleep on it, you will see each others point a little better.

LASTLY, don't engage the arguments. If you need the dishes moved give him all the info he needs to avoid the argument "Can you put those dishes in the sink real quick so I can clean up the stuff from LOs food." He may do it, or he may not, but at least you tried. (PS the whole guilt trip from his mom is probably bothering him more than he realizes so he's dealing with it the only way he knows how. It'll get better.)

ETA- find some mommy and daddy time.Maybe a little after LO goes to bed each night. Forget the dishes, and the house and find 30 minutes to an hour to do something with DH. We usually drink a glass of wine and watch british TV shows we've recorded or sing stupid songs. At first it seems forced but it quickly becomes the release you need.

CountingUp · June 2012

I would say that we are still figuring this out. We've been together 3 years, have lived together for 2, and been married for 1 year 4.5 months...and now we've got this new person with new needs. It is a lot. Everyone's needs and wants seem to change weekly. I used to think I wanted a break but I think what I really want is for my "to do" list to be seen as as much of a priority as my husband's list. I would like more chances to tackle tasks while my husband takes care of A. At this point we are trying for him taking care of her for an hour so that I have a break. I have learned that an hour is not a lot. We keep communicating and adjusting. Yesterday I suggested that we alternate days in terms of whose tasks get worked on. Not sure if this is reasonable. All I really know is that we will be ok. Eventually. And that I will be very thankful when A grows into long solo Naps.

Sundown2014 · June 2012

We've gone through something similar. I agree with everyone else in saying marriages just have their ups and downs and throw in a baby and you really get some curve balls. For us we nicely (after we've calmed down) will talk about what bothered us and why. I do this way more than him (let's face it, guys dont like to talk about their feelings).

We also enjoy a glass of wine on the back patio (with baby monitor) after DD goes to bed.

Hope things start looking up. Just know that you're not alone in what you're going through.

laken256 · June 2012

I'm so sorry you are having these issues, BUT I'm really glad you started this thread. Although I knew everyone goes through this from hearing it after I was talking to some friends after our first, I didn't realize it would happen again after the second. It's kind of nice to hear that other ladies are having this problem again (although its not nice they are having it, just glad I'm not alone!). But anyway, I think couple time is super important no matter how you get it. I know leaving our babies is never fun, but without it, a marriage can't work. You devote so much time and effort to lo's needs, that often your own or your h's are ignored in the process. I tried telling dh that I needed attention from him just like the kids did. Not as much or anything, but I needed time from him for me that didn't involve diapers. Dh is an awesome dad and is very involved with the kids, and he works long hours, so when he comes in, he is completely absorbed with the kids. I get a quick peck on the cheek when he comes in the door and a good night kiss, but thats about the extent of our contact. It was really wearing on me. Then a friend whose marriage is falling apart was talking to him a few weeks ago about how they never made time for their relationship past their kids, and dh saw the light. He's gone for 3 weeks on a mission, but when he comes back, he's planned a getaway for just us. I'm so excited. And the whole time he's been gone, he's been texting me sweet things about how we used to be (so playful and fun loving and basically big kids), but when you become a parent, you feel like you have to be the adult all the time and those fun things go out the window, so he says he finally sees what I'm talking about and wants to get back to the fun times. It's really refreshing and we haven't fought in several weeks, which is a breakthrough for us since we would fight daily over stupid things like you said. we were exactly in your situation 2 months ago, but by dropping the seriousness routine 24/7, weve been much more carefree. Yes, things must be done, and some things right then, but if its something that can wait and we decide we wanna go for ice cream instead, we do. No big deal. One other thing, is getting back to things you like to alone. Dh loves racing and going out with the guys. I resented these things bc I had to stay home with the kids while he was out having fun. Now we split it. He goes to a race, then the next weekend, he stays home and I go horse riding with friends. It's great to get to do things I used to live to do but haven't in a while because of kids. It makes me feel like me again, and not just mommy and wife. I truly think that helped a huge deal in letting of stress and remembering that life is about fun things, the rest can wait (most of the time!). I still have a clean house, happy kids, and now a strong marriage bc we both are happier in our lives and don't bicker over every little thing. I hope that makes sense. It was just a conglomeration of things that helped us. But truthfully, we are as happy now as we were when we were dating 5 years ago. And it was getting to the point where divorce crossed my mind weekly bc I was so unhappy. Sad but true.

cookinitup · June 2012

I read a book about two years ago called "Love and respect" the sub title is - the love she desires and the respect he needs or something like that. It really helped us communicate better rather than cycling through the same types of situations you (and others) described. I got it at my library.

sunflwra · June 2012

I'm glad you posted this- it's similar to some stuff I've been thinking about lately. DH has been great about helping out since B's been born. He'd run all of the errands I used to, gas up the car, do the laundry, wash dishes/bottles/baby stuff, etc. It was so helpful, especially when B was younger- even though I was home with her for the first 4 months, I never felt totally overwhelmed since he was doing so much to help and B is a really good baby.

Then, I went back to work and things took a turn. I think it's a combination of me getting less sleep, work being really stressful and us adjusting to a new schedule. We both get home and we go right into baby bedtime mode which doesn't end until 7-7:30, then we scramble to eat something, get B's bottle ready for the next day, etc and when it's all said and done- it's 8:00-8:30 and we've just gotten to sit down and unwind a bit. I head to shower and hit the sack around 9:30- so we're lucky if we've got 1-1.5 hours of down time at night. Plus, I'm in HR, so I talk ALL DAY LONG at work and listen to everyone's issues, so a lot of times it's the last thing I want to do when I get home. Plus- when you add in the fact that I'm disgusted with my body and have no interest in sex (even Fifty Shades of Grey didn't do much for me)- it's just a tough situation.

DH is not a communicator- when we argue he either snaps or shuts down. He gets frustrated with me because whenever I ask him to do something, I get frustrated that he won't do it right then. That is true in some instances but in others he just assumes it and gets frustrated and it wasn't even a big deal to me.

We both love B so much and I don't doubt that we love each other but we need to be better about working on ourselves. We're like you in that we don't have family in the area and since we're still relatively new to the area, we don't have many friends here- so getting away on any regular basis is pretty non-existent. I don't think either of us feels super appreciated at work or at home- so there are a bunch of factors that go into it.

Anyways- after all of that babbling- I guess I just wanted to say...

- thanks for sharing

- you're not alone

- no matter how much we all know what we should do to try to help the situation, it's still really hard

- feel free to vent here anytime

- good luck- I hope things start feeling better

- HUGS!!

emilyerin13 · June 2012

I'm right with you! DH tells me he wants to be helpful but is, for some reason, unable to see things that need to be done and prioritize them. If I don't ask him to do something and give specific instructions he doesn't do it. A few times I've started running the sink to wash bottles and pump parts and he quickly tells me that he'll do it later (not because he wants to do it so I don't have to but so that I'll stop running the water so he can hear the TV...grrrr). So, the next morning when I need to pump I have to wash everything before I can use it because he went to bed and left it all on the counter for me. I, too, usually just end up doing without complaining although I'm stewing the entire time and the resentment grows. I do all the cleaning in the house, laundry, grocery shopping, bill paying, lawn mowing/yard work, and make sure vehicles are serviced. I feel like all I do is clean up after a toddler and baby all day and I'm tired of having to clean up after him too. I like things to be tidy but it seems the mess never seems to bother him. I've tried to let things pile up while waiting for him to take care of it but I just can't...I hate mess and clutter too much, it actually make me feel stressed. I feel unappreciated and undervalued for the things I do. To top it off, he didn't do anything for me for Mother's Day and it really hurt my heart. I put my all into being a SAHM. I was so upset that I chewed him out for it, but he claims he forgot it was Mother's Day. DD will be 3YO in August and we've never gone out without her or her baby brother. The sad part is that I don't even care.

KeyLime81 · June 2012

Nope, you're not alone! We've had a little increase in bickering here, too. I think PPs have all offered great advice...and here are my 2 cents...

1. We don't argue in front of LO. Yes, we'll disagree and discuss (we want to model positive conflict resolution), but we've also agreed that when things start to get heated one of us just has to say "we need to agree to finish this later". Those are the magic words--no last minute jabs allowed, no other passive-aggressive attacks. We know LO is watching Usually by the time LO is in bed and we have time to talk, we've both cooled off and we're able to have a good discussion.

2. I've made a conscious effort to tell DH that I appreciate him and what he does. Especially on days that I feel under-appreciated, I try to thank DH for 3 specific things he's done that day. He returns the favor. It helps us not to take the other person for granted. (Unlike arguing, I try to do this in front of DS...I know he may not understand now, but he will later!)

3. Have a special night out...maybe on one of your trips to visit your parents you can get away for a few hours? I realized this was a problem for us last week...I was going to school's graduation and I was all dressed up...DH expressed disappointment that I got all dressed up for school...but not for him. When I got home, we picked a day (in June) for a "special" night out...:) Yes, we take time together after LO is in bed...but we're enjoying the anticipation for our night out.

iluvmylab · June 2012

Thanks for all the replies ladies. I read all the responses and I thought that some of you had some great ideas. We have been married for 4 years and together for almost 10, so I know that we will be alright, this is just a rough patch (one of many I'm sure) that we have to work through.

wychets · June 2012

Ughhh I feel your pain. I could have typed this post myself (as a matter of fact I did on 3-6 board) The only advice I could give is Communication. W ehad a long conversation and my DH said that he doe snot do anything because I do everything for him. Well that stopped that day. I set expectations for him and I leave things for him to do. Yes I am impatient but I think we all are. Its been a week so far & it has worked out well, GL!!!!

RubyEggi · June 2012

emilyerin13:
I'm right with you! DH tells me he wants to be helpful but is, for some reason, unable to see things that need to be done and prioritize them. If I don't ask him to do something and give specific instructions he doesn't do it. A few times I've started running the sink to wash bottles and pump parts and he quickly tells me that he'll do it later (not because he wants to do it so I don't have to but so that I'll stop running the water so he can hear the TV...grrrr). So, the next morning when I need to pump I have to wash everything before I can use it because he went to bed and left it all on the counter for me. I, too, usually just end up doing without complaining although I'm stewing the entire time and the resentment grows. I do all the cleaning in the house, laundry, grocery shopping, bill paying, lawn mowing/yard work, and make sure vehicles are serviced. I feel like all I do is clean up after a toddler and baby all day and I'm tired of having to clean up after him too. I like things to be tidy but it seems the mess never seems to bother him. I've tried to let things pile up while waiting for him to take care of it but I just can't...I hate mess and clutter too much, it actually make me feel stressed. I feel unappreciated and undervalued for the things I do. To top it off, he didn't do anything for me for Mother's Day and it really hurt my heart. I put my all into being a SAHM. I was so upset that I chewed him out for it, but he claims he forgot it was Mother's Day. DD will be 3YO in August and we've never gone out without her or her baby brother. The sad part is that I don't even care.

I think we are exactly alike. I hate mess and clutter too and it stresses me out if I see it. I feel like all I ever do it clean all day too and I can't every let things be (dishes in the sink, toys on the floor) because it will drive me nuts! I also do everything including getting the cars serviced. I was just thinking today why can't DH get up on Saturday morning and at least take care of the cars! I think I'm going to have to sit down w/DH and have a talk w/him.

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anyone else? marriage stuff (long)

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