Seriously? Why would you ask that? — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

Seriously? Why would you ask that?

I just got back from my follow-up appointment after being in the ER on Sunday. My doctor did an ultrasound to make sure everything had passed. Thankfully it has. I'm still bleeding a bit and having some cramping. She said I was tender and sore, so she gave me an antibiotic for possible infection. They had mentioned something at the ER about infection, but I didn't get care at that point. I lost my baby and that was all I was focusing on.

I was dreading this appointment. When I first got there, I had to take care of my insurance information since it had changed since I had been there last. I took awhile at the receptionist desk filling out papers. When I sat down in the waiting room, there was this lady sitting across from me. She smiled at me. I tried to smile back, but didn't feel like it. Then she asked, "Did you just find out you're pregnant?" I just stopped and couldn't breathe for a second. Then I quietly answered, "No." I turned away and couldn't look at her. Maybe she just found out she is and was excited or maybe she thought this was my first visit and that's why I was filling out all the insurance paperwork? I don't care. That was horrible. Why would you ask that in an OB/GYN office? My mom goes there. I could have been there for a PAP. She had to ask that question to someone who had just suffered a very painful miscarriage. I just sat there frozen. I wanted to die. When the nurse called her in, I started crying. It was bad enough that I saw a bunch of happy pregnant women there and pictures of babies everywhere...but why did she have to ask me that today? The worst part about it is that tomorrow I would be 7 weeks, so that very likely could have been my first appointment and I could have very likely answered, "Yes"...if my baby was still inside me. Sorry for the long rant. I just needed to vent. 

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BFP#1 06/01/09~DS Born 01/29/10 via c/s 

BFP#2 05/17/12~EDD 01/18/13~Natural M/C 05/27/[email protected] 

BFP#3 07/03/12~DD Born 03/08/13 via sched. c/s 

BFP #4 10/03/13 EDD 06/09/14 SURPRISE!!! On our way to 2u2!

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International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC)...BF questions/concens welcome!

Re: Seriously? Why would you ask that?

  • Ouch... that seems really unprofessional. I'm sorry that you had to hear that - my heart is breaking for you...
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    BFP 1 - March 26, 2012, MMC discovered May 21, 2012
    BFP 2 - October 30, 2012, Rainbow Baby Boy born July 14, 2013
    TTC no sooner than November 2014
  • I'm so sorry you had to face that.  People just don't realize how loaded their questions can be.  I think I would have punched her in the face.
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  • I'm sorry she was so insensitive. Honestly, though, there are women who just don't even consider a m/c as a possibility or as something that really does happen. I think the only solution in those situations is to tell them something along the lines of, "No. I just had a miscarriage and am here for a follow-up. Please excuse me if I start crying now. I'm mourning my baby." That's not too snarky (she didn't mean any harm) and yet should stop her from making comments like that in the future. Again, I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

    BFP1: DD1 born April 2011 at 34w1d via unplanned c/s due to HELLP, DVT 1 week PP
    BFP2: 3/18/12, blighted ovum, natural m/c @ 7w4d
    BFP3: DD2 born Feb 2013 at 38w4d via unplanned RCS due to uterine dehiscence

  • I agree with letting her know how hurtful it was so she doesn't do it again.  I've done that, in a nice way, on the whole trying to get pregnant.

    When I was pg with our DS, we found out that both DH & I are carriers for CF.  DS was born with CF & complications related to that, spent a month in the NICU, three surgeries, etc., so the question of are you going to have more was a very painful question.

    I would always explain to people that it was a hurtful question and why, in the hopes that it stops them from asking someone else.

    Now, with this loss, we have yet another reason to avoid this question like the plague. 

    In the end, I think people just don't realize...like my SIL who asked the day after we lost this one, are you gonna try again?  Really?  I'm STILL in the process of losing this one!  ARGH.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Emergency ileostomy 11/28/10, CF dx on 12/3/10 and ileostomy takedown 1/24/11, feeding tube placed 7/1/11...still going strong! Little one lost 5w5d, 5/27/2012. CP 8/26/2012
  • image kelly321:
    I'm sorry she was so insensitive. Honestly, though, there are women who just don't even consider a m/c as a possibility or as something that really does happen. I think the only solution in those situations is to tell them something along the lines of, "No. I just had a miscarriage and am here for a follow-up. Please excuse me if I start crying now. I'm mourning my baby." That's not too snarky (she didn't mean any harm) and yet should stop her from making comments like that in the future. Again, I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

    Yeah I always think about what I should have said later in different situations, but in this case I just wanted the conversation to be over. I could barely get the "No" out. 

    image

    image image

    BFP#1 06/01/09~DS Born 01/29/10 via c/s 

    BFP#2 05/17/12~EDD 01/18/13~Natural M/C 05/27/[email protected] 

    BFP#3 07/03/12~DD Born 03/08/13 via sched. c/s 

    BFP #4 10/03/13 EDD 06/09/14 SURPRISE!!! On our way to 2u2!

    image image

    International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC)...BF questions/concens welcome!

  • image hfloistoocute:

    image kelly321:
    I'm sorry she was so insensitive. Honestly, though, there are women who just don't even consider a m/c as a possibility or as something that really does happen. I think the only solution in those situations is to tell them something along the lines of, "No. I just had a miscarriage and am here for a follow-up. Please excuse me if I start crying now. I'm mourning my baby." That's not too snarky (she didn't mean any harm) and yet should stop her from making comments like that in the future. Again, I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

    Yeah I always think about what I should have said later in different situations, but in this case I just wanted the conversation to be over. I could barely get the "No" out. 

    I know what you mean. It's easy for me to say that now, but in the situation it's a lot harder when you're just hit by the wave of emotion.


    BFP1: DD1 born April 2011 at 34w1d via unplanned c/s due to HELLP, DVT 1 week PP
    BFP2: 3/18/12, blighted ovum, natural m/c @ 7w4d
    BFP3: DD2 born Feb 2013 at 38w4d via unplanned RCS due to uterine dehiscence

  • AlbahAlbah
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
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    I'm so sorry you had to go through this!! People can be so insensitive. 
    Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers image
    BFP #3: 01/28/12, EDD: 09/23/12, MMC (BO), D&C 2/16/12 at 6.5 wks
    BFP #4: 05/23/12, EDD: 01/31/12, Early MC at 5 wks

    RPL Workup: + LPD (7DPO Prog = 7.8, Endometrial Bx = out of phase)
    Elevated Alpha 2-glycoprotein IgA and antiphosphatidylserine IgM -->
    Hematologist said not to worry and no need for treatment!

    Dx: LPD
    Cycle #1(08/2012): Clomid 50 mg CD3-7, Ovidrel CD13 + Progesterone = It worked!
    BFP #5 on 09/10/12 (11 DPO). HCG #1 @ 14DPO = 131.6 HCG #2 @ 16DPO = 509
    EDD: 05/23/2013 Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

  • Ugh, I'm so so sorry. People are so stupid!

    [spoiler] My Blog: Grow Baby Grow

    BFP #1: 12/2009 m/c 1/2010 BFP #2: 6/2010 m/c 8/2010

    BFP #3: 10/2011 ectopic 11/2011 (right tube removed, learned left tube was probably nonfunctional due to scar tissue from infection after m/c)

    3 failed IUIs, IVF #1: 18R, 12M, 10F, 3 poor quality 5d embryos transferred= BFP #4!!!!!

    Betas: 9dp5dt: 64 ~14dp5dt: 91 (expecting miscarriage, doubling time of 236 hours) ~16dp5dt: 200~18dp5dt: 500

    First Ultrasound at 6w2d revealed two sacs, only one with a heartbeat

    LK arrived after 42 weeks on August 14, 2013! Beautiful, healthy, and happy!

    TTC#2: IVF booked for April 2015

    Surprise BFP#5 February 19, 2015 EDD: November 2, 2015

    Betas: 10dpo: 10, 14dpo: 77, 17dpo: 270

    First Ultrasound at 5w1d showed a miracle UTE baby! And right ovary ovulation to left fallopian tube.

    JD arrived at 38 weeks on October 20, 2015.

    TTC #3: Since October 2017. BFP #6 July 2, 2018 EDD: March 16, 2019 [/spoiler]


  • image hfloistoocute:

    image kelly321:
    I'm sorry she was so insensitive. Honestly, though, there are women who just don't even consider a m/c as a possibility or as something that really does happen. I think the only solution in those situations is to tell them something along the lines of, "No. I just had a miscarriage and am here for a follow-up. Please excuse me if I start crying now. I'm mourning my baby." That's not too snarky (she didn't mean any harm) and yet should stop her from making comments like that in the future. Again, I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

    Yeah I always think about what I should have said later in different situations, but in this case I just wanted the conversation to be over. I could barely get the "No" out. 

    I can completely relate. There have been so many times where I was just caught off guard and could only mumble out a stupid reply. It irks me that THEY are the ones asking a stupid question and yet WE are the ones left feeling hurt!


    [spoiler] My Blog: Grow Baby Grow

    BFP #1: 12/2009 m/c 1/2010 BFP #2: 6/2010 m/c 8/2010

    BFP #3: 10/2011 ectopic 11/2011 (right tube removed, learned left tube was probably nonfunctional due to scar tissue from infection after m/c)

    3 failed IUIs, IVF #1: 18R, 12M, 10F, 3 poor quality 5d embryos transferred= BFP #4!!!!!

    Betas: 9dp5dt: 64 ~14dp5dt: 91 (expecting miscarriage, doubling time of 236 hours) ~16dp5dt: 200~18dp5dt: 500

    First Ultrasound at 6w2d revealed two sacs, only one with a heartbeat

    LK arrived after 42 weeks on August 14, 2013! Beautiful, healthy, and happy!

    TTC#2: IVF booked for April 2015

    Surprise BFP#5 February 19, 2015 EDD: November 2, 2015

    Betas: 10dpo: 10, 14dpo: 77, 17dpo: 270

    First Ultrasound at 5w1d showed a miracle UTE baby! And right ovary ovulation to left fallopian tube.

    JD arrived at 38 weeks on October 20, 2015.

    TTC #3: Since October 2017. BFP #6 July 2, 2018 EDD: March 16, 2019 [/spoiler]


  • I'm sorry. It really sucks the way the universe seems to always kick us when we're down.
    Me: 25
    Dx PCOS (June 2006, re-confirmed March 2012), Anemia (May 2010-Still fighting to correct it), Fibromyalgia (May 2011)
    Initial b/w - normal
    HSG (March 2012) revealed right tube open and looking great. Left tube deformed with hydrosalpinx.
    Lap (April 2012) Removal of left fallopian tube. Right tube open and viable, but "rather enlarged." NO evidence of endometriosis...Uterus looks beautiful and "very capable" of carrying a pregnancy!
    October 2012 - Clomid 50mg + trigger + IUI = BFN
    With all factors taken into account, RE is recommending IVF. Planning on moving forward with treatment as a single woman using DS by Summer 2013.
    After 17 months of trying, Surprise BFP #1 2.15.2008 | EDD 8.7.2008 | Lost 2.16.2008
    After 2 more years of trying, Surprise BFP #2 1.29.2012 | EDD 9.11.2012 | Lost 1.29.2012
    Surprise BFP #3 3.27.2012 | EDD 12/2/2012 | Lost 4.1.2012
    image image
    someecards.com - Get a colonic?!? Some older lady said that's what she did to cure her infertility...Who knew a fancy enema and a sparkling clean ass would cure my infertility.
    My Blog Pinterest
  • image sarah_e87:
    I'm sorry. It really sucks the way the universe seems to always kick us when we're down.

     I feel this way a LOT.  Too much.  I've nearly bitten many a hole in my tongue at the stupid sh!t people say to me.

    If my RE calls my natural early miscarriage a "period" one more time, I'm popping her.

    I'm sorry people are douches.  It just sucks.

    PAIF/SAIF, PGAL/PAL welcome.
    TTC since March 2010 ~ Dx Unexplained IF September 2011
    2011: IUI + Clomid = CP#1
    2012: 3 more IUIs + Clomid = 3 more CPs. One on-our-own pg, also CP
    2013: BTB IUI + Lupron/Follistim/Prometrium/PIO = CP #6
    IF testing, RPL testing, Autoimmune testing = all normal
    So lost.
    image image
    image image
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