Having a baby and majorly heartbroken
Hello, since this is the November Birth Club, I decided to reach out for help from you ladies. Here's the story.. Moved to small town in 2010 because of finance problems my parents were having at the time, and at that time I was only 19. In the fall of that same year I met and fell in love with this guy. First guy I ever fell for. Was in love instantly, I can say that now because I really didn't know at the time or was familiar with those new emotions and feelings I was having. Anyways, he was my first everything. First kiss, first love, first boyfriend. First guy to hold my hand. All of that, and also more, since I now am pregnant with his baby. Anyways, a year past, well a little more than a year now. This past Feb I found out he had been lying and cheating on me with his ex-gf since the end of March of 2011. I was beyond devastated. We had been going through many up's and down's as most couples go through, and in December I broke up with him for awhile. But still always feeling like we were and would be together. After finding out what he was doing, I decided I loved him more than I really realized before and wanted to make things work and be with him no matter what. From Feb to March of this year I was putting forth all my effort and energy to make things back to normal, all the time believing he was being honest now and was going to break things off with him.
**Side note, this ex-gf who was really his real girlfriend the entire time, well she has a son of her own who I believe is 7 or 8, well he's very since. Has cancer and from what I've been told it's not looking too great. I feel this is a major reason why he went back to her. He basically raised this boy since he was around 1. I think he felt really guilty because the little boy would call him crying asking when he was coming home, etc.**
Anyways, end of March came and I found out I was pregnant. Told him and he seemed pretty shocked/excited. We had always talked about having kids and getting married. During this time the father was going and still is going through major issues with his work, he's in law enforcement and was forced to quit. With him quitting, he decided to move to the town that is 40 minutes away and where his ex/real girlfriend lives. He told me he was going to move in with his grandma, find a place then take me with him to start our family. Turns out he really planned to move in back with his ex/gf. That's where he is today. He doesn't talk to me anymore, wont answer his phone for texts or calls. It's just really shocking that he was capable of doing this to not only me but his own baby.
I'm finding it really hard to move on and cope with this lost. I know I shouldn't love him anymore, i should hate him for what he's done to me and his baby but I can't help the way I feel about him. I'm still in love deeply and I find it a struggle everyday to focus on anything other than things involving him. This post is very long and there is still so much I've left out.
Basically, what do I do? How can I find happiness again? I am so confused as to how a man can one day tell you he loves you, kiss your stomach, and the next disappear and like a light switch, turn off any feelings or emotions he had for you. I know there are other, better men out there that would never do this or what not. But my goal in life was to be with one man and share my life with that man in every way. I feel like I've ruined that and morally, I know I can never fully be with another without feeling guilty and devastated even more.
Ladies, what can I do? What would you do? I'm not trying to get him back.. I just want to go one day without crying. or thinking about something and feeling like dying.
Re: Having a baby and majorly heartbroken
Step 1 - cut off all contacts, letting him in again is only going to delay the inevitable.
Step 2 - focus on your baby, staying healthy and making a good home; I don't know what you are considering, but if raising this child by yourself is going to be too difficult, emotionally or financially, you could consider adoption
Step 3 - get into counseling, girl, you are going to need some professional help to sort all of this out and you owe that to your baby if you decide to raise him/her
In the end, I'm so sorry this guy was a total douchecanoe - you deserve better!
You're still young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Move on. It's for the best. Do no take this man back and think he's going to change. You have to get past the whole he was my first, he's my child's father. He has shown you he is unworthy of your tears. Breaking up is hard but one day you're going to look back and wish you hadn't wasted your time feeling bad over that jerk.
Someone better is going to come along and he's going to love you and your child. I promise.
It wasn't just a break up, he completely abandoned me. One day he was here and the next gone. How long did it take you to get over him? Because it feels like this is never going to end. the Pain anyways.
And contact with him has stopped. He never once tried to get a hold of me, it was me trying to get a hold of him. Then that stopped. I haven't talked or messaged him in 4 weeks now I think it is. Doesn't feel like it's helping at all.
How old is this guy?
Your what, 20-21? It'll happen again. You've only been with him a year and a half, and he was only faithful to you (that you know of) 7 months tops during that time (assuming you got together September-ish).
Sounds like he's really shown his true colors... Is that *REALLY* a guy you want to be with?
Big sister meeting little brother for the first time-
<a href="http://s326.photobucket.com/albums/k409/YellowMiles/?action=view
I'm so sorry for you and your situation. Loss / break up with a first love is awful. I'm sure each one of us could share our tales of woe from years back. It feels like it sucks the life out of you and you feel like you can never recover. I know it doesn't mean much now, but please know that you WILL get past this. Each day it will hurt less --- but it's a slow and painful process.
What matters most here is how you cope with that loss - for you and ultimately for baby. Your mental health, confidence and outlook on the world will influence this baby for years to come. Treat each day like it's the only day and move forward. Craft the life that you want. Nurture this baby how you'd like to be nurtured. One day, you'll meet someone that will be in utter and complete awe of the mom you've become, of the life you chosen and of the woman you are.
Stay strong. We are here for you.
xo Ann
What guy is going to want you now??? Why, because you'll be a single mom? Or do you have other reasons that you're beating yourself up over?
Well, your ex is a douche, but I have to point out that even Mr Douche seems to be ok with taking care of somebody else's kid. So yeah, there will a nice guy, a good guy, a guy who treats you right and he will accept that you have a kid. There's approximately a bazillion step-parents in this world and most of them are really good people who are good to their step-kids. And what do they all have in common? They married someone just like you.
It's not the end of the world.... it's the beginning of a whole new world. Yes, the past can be painful, but keep looking to the future.
To answer you he's 26, almost 27 in a few months. I'll be 22 in about 2 months now. This isn't something I ever expected from men this old. Maybe from teens going through this of course, because really they are still so young and developing mentally but for a guy this old to do this to someone.. I just cant believe it. really. I feel stupid because, yes, he is still the one I want to be with, even now. I just can't help but feel this way still.
I talk to everyone I can, even his grandmother.. I've gotten close to her and talking to her helps a little. I try not to talk to her though now just because I'm not with him and it seems like it would be dragging out the pain. But I'm tired of talking to friends, none of them really have had serious relationship or really have ever been in love so they can only help so much. They just advise to move on, but how can I move on when I'm still in Love? And when I'm going to be having his baby? I just can't see that happening any time soon.
Thank you Ann
I just feel like having a child from someone else, especially a new guy coming into that situation, is a tough one to deal with. I feel like a guy really wouldn't want to deal with that or another man. Because either way, it's going to be me, the child, and the father as a trio entering into another man's life. I jsut don't think that will fly very well.
And I think that's the part that hurts the most. He's so willing to be with another and her son by another man.. but he won't do the right thing and be with me and his own blood baby? I feel like after watching Teen Mom and 16 and pregnant, although the guys are young, in the beginning they are usually all willing to do the right thing and try to make things work out for the mother and their baby as a family. They at least give it a try. That's what makes me so mad, that these 16 year olds are willing to take responsibility and put aside feelings or whatever the case is to be a family. Now, me and him never really fought. Just regular arguments or misunderstandings like every couple. Nothing that would lead to a break up.. so this is why I'm so confused.. We had a good relationship, or what I thought was one. and I KNOW he did too. I just don't understand why or how he could abandoned not only me but his child. And then be willing to play dad to another.
I'm just in complete shock at his behavior and actions and lack there of
At 19 I had my first serious relationship...it ended just like yours, well minus the baby. He was 25, very sweet, funny...we were perfect. And then one day he just disappeared, and I felt like trash because he was the first person I ever slept with. Turns out there was another girlfriend, who he had been with forever and I was just some fun on the side...
I spent ALOT of time beating myself up and hating him...the hating him helped me realize that I didn't want to be with someone like that anyway, but it takes time for the hurt to go away. No one can tell you when it will happen, it will just get a little better every day. It sucks but there are so many fish in the sea..I know that sounds like crap right now, but trust me it's true. Right now do something to make yourself feel better, get a pedicure, change your hairstyle, rent a movie and eat 6 bowls of ice cream..anything. Just don't sink into a negative pit because for real the d-bag isn't worth it. But you and your baby are worth it, and will make some lucky man incredibly happy someday.
I just feel like having a child from someone else, especially a new guy coming into that situation, is a tough one to deal with. I feel like a guy really wouldn't want to deal with that or another man. Because either way, it's going to be me, the child, and the father as a trio entering into another man's life. I jsut don't think that will fly very well.
If the "new guy" is a REAL man it won't bother him. REAL men don't turn their backs on their children, born or unborn. I was a single mom for 8 years of my sons life. His father decided to marry my best friend two weeks after my son was born. It is tough, I'm not going to lie. I would have rather raised him by myself than to deal with the crap my ex-best friend dealt with living with his "father". I was patient and concentrated on my son and everything else just fell into place. I met and married my best friend and now we are expecting our first child. Things do work out and the pain does go away. You just have to concentrate on a health pregnancy and making sure this baby knows how much it is loved. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know this is tough...I've been there but believe me...IT DOES GET BETTER!!!! (((((hugs)))))
I'm going to be very blunt: he isn't coming back to you. And you shouldn't want him to. A guy like that, now matte how "old" (age is not an indication of maturity), is not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Do you want your son or daughter to have a liar and cheater as a father? Nope. You're better off without him.
Something similar happened to a good friend of mine when we were 19. She cut off contact, moved in with her parents, had a wonderful son, finished her college degree, started working and met a WONDERFUL guy who she married. He adopted her son.
It feels devastating now because you're heartbroken. Bu you need to put that aside for a bit and make some tough decisions for you and your child, without him in the picture. How will you support yourselves? Who do you want around your child as role models? Do you want this guy to have ANY contact with your child? Do you want any type of financial support from him?
First, go get yourself checked for STDs; you may no have been the only side girlfriend he had (I know that sounds harsh, but its reality). Then decide how YOU want to shape your future and contact a family law attorney to help you move in the right direction.
Unplanned pregnancies don't have to be unwanted babies. You CAN raise this baby alone if you want to, but it sounds like you have some tough decisions and growing up to do first. Life is no longer about you; that baby is your priority now. And if you can't commit to providing a safe, secure environment for that child, you need to evaluate all of your options.
((reading the last two lines))
Not necessarily true. He left you, he's GONE, you have cut off communication with him- how is he part of your trio possibly entering a new mans life? I'm not being a b*itch, please don't take it that way- I'm just trying to be straightforward.
I see the situation differently, I do NOT know my biological father. My mom had me young and started dating a man when I was really young (1-2ish) and they married when I was 6. They are still together 17 years later and I have a young brother and sister. HE is my father. HE raised me. HE taught me how to swim, how to tie my shoes, and how to ride a bike. HE sent me to college, and HE gave me away at my wedding. HE is my Dad, my Father. Biologically, no- but that doesn't matter to me. It's stories like this that make me wonder how much of a loser her was, to run off and leave a child. Makes me real glad I don't know him... I'd rather have someone stable in my life, than my biological dad in and out of the picture all the time.
I guess it just hurts me that you don't think anyone will (could) step up and love you and your baby... It happens all the time. No, I can imagine this time isn't easy for you- but look to the future, look for something better. For YOU and YOUR BABY (if you decide to keep LO). No, it's not easy but you can do it. Something better will come your way- there is a reason your past didn't make it to your future.
Big sister meeting little brother for the first time-
<a href="http://s326.photobucket.com/albums/k409/YellowMiles/?action=view
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Right now, I'm sure you feel lost - which is normal in any breakup. As all PP have said, you WILL move on. You WILL get over him. After your sadness has passed, you'll get angry. And rightfully so. You'll pick away pieces that p*$$ you off beyond belief. That's normal too, and it will pass. Everyone who has had a broken heart knows the sadness you're feeling. Most everyone walks through that fire storm, and comes out stronger, smarter, and more confident. This experience will give you tools to protect yourself. It all seems impossible now, but I promise it isn't. Cry until you can't cry anymore. Distract yourself with positive people and activities as much as you can. You don't have a choice, you'll have to survive it. For yourself and for your child.
As far as no one wanting you - that is so wrong. There are 7 billion people on this planet, roughly half are male. I promise there are better fish in the sea. Much, much, much better fish. Many of the women on this board can vouch for that. Right now, while you're in the fire storm, it's nearly impossible to imagine your life with another man. How could anyone want you or your child after this? But this will be a distant memory, soon enough. A better man WILL want you desperately. He WILL be happy to be the father your child deserves. And you'll never look back. In fact, you'll hardly remember the pain you feel now. I promise.
Take care of yourself. Eat, exercise. Watch funny movies and laugh with close friends. Cry and throw things. You have to drudge through it. Focus on your child, as he/she needs your strength. The sun will still come up tomorrow, and you'll survive another day.
I just had a conversation with someone about the first guy - how the way you fall for the first guy tends to be so hard and so fast that the entire affair is all-consuming. That most times - at least amongst myself and my friends - you never fall that hard again and thank goodness. My first, and the firsts of most people I know were not a good fit - young boys, self-entitled...not grown up yet. When I think back on how I glossed over these gaping, yawning crevasse-like flaws my first real love had, I'm happy to have a few years of experience behind me now. I can't fall that hard again, and that sort of sad because that sort of love is really exciting, but the bright side is I have a much better sense of who the guy I am seeing is before anything gets very serious.
This will be the case for you too. That first break up with someone you fall really hard for is really tough under regular circumstances. That you are pregnant makes it emotionally and practically harder, I know.
I know you are deeply heartbroken and very worried - but I want to be sure that this is said out loud so that when you are feeling down you can look at your choices and realize that you were at least partially hoodwinked and that all you need to do is heal. He, on the other hand, may need a soul transplant.
He told you that gf was his ex. - in doing that and taking up with you, he not only stepped out on his gf but on a child he raised as his own, a sick child, no less. That, in itself, should reaffirm how you can only benefit from this man being out of your life. It sounds like he is older than you - he certainly has had a kid for many years and should simply know better. Any man that behaves this way is not acting in the best interests of the kid he is raising. There is little to no reason to expect that he would behave any differently with the child you are carrying. I realize that is something you could not have known. He was deceptive. He is first big fall for you and that can cloud hints of what was really going on.
That his solution was to quit his job, move away, and cut you off when you are carrying his child is terminally disgusting. He has grown up responsibilities and should behave as such. I know his rejection is crushing and present all sorts of problems. It sounds like this guy can't be trusted - he certainly sounds like he isn't worthy of your affection or attention. You may not have had all the information before, but you have enough now to know that your life will only improve with him as minimally involved as possible.
Re: being ruined morally. I understand how you may feel that you can't be with anyone else. That feeling will pass. I suspect that it will be replaced with a desire to be with someone who can be a good father to your child. You will fall for that baby when you first see it. I promise you your thoughts on love and life will align.
In the interim - big break ups, and devastating one like this, require some tending. You need to heal. The faster this happens, the better off you and your baby will be. Like the other ladies said there are 3 things you can do that will help you 1) cut this guy off - at least for now. If you want to seek child support, consult with a lawyer after the child is born. In many states the burden of proof of non-paternity is on the father - meaning if he refuses to test, paternity is assumed. 2) focus on your baby. There are good things coming your way - think of those things 3) consult with a therapist, psychologist what-have-you. You should talk to someone who can put this into perspective for you in a way that only a professional can.
My hormones are a little nuts today. I hope I haven't offended you and sincerely apologize if I have. My best wishes to you.
My DH is 32 and there are days when he is still not much more that a man-boy! Men can, have and will do this type of thing at any age. It's not about age. It's about maturity, and some men never gain that.
This is excellent! I really hope OP reads this and takes it to heart.. thanks for sharing!
All that.
Thank you for your time and help. As far as looking for a new guy, that is not my main concern or even a concern really. Just really future thinking, way way distant future thinking. I am trying to do everything right, right now for the baby. I've been planning and I have money saved up. So As far as the baby and it's health is going, I feel I'm doing everything to the best and even better really as much as I can right now in this situation. Thank you again, I appreciate your import greatly
Wow, I feel this is veyr close to what I have been going through. I guess the main problem being that I do not hate him. Hate has never been an emotion or feeling throughout any of this. I know the saying, there are plenty of fish in the sea.. but the only problem with that is.. I only wanted that one particular fish. I think this is going to take a long long time to heal from and get over.. like I said before.. I;m finding it very hard to move on/forward and heal when I'm still in love.
Thank you so much for your support and help. It really means a lot to me during this time. I hope I can have a better life like it seems you are having currently for yourself and your children.
I know he isn't going to come back to me. I know he isn't going to come to my door, apologize and ask for me back. I've realized that long ago. I see what he has done, what he is doing and I honestly know he is not only a sorry person but a down right horrible individual to not only do that to me, but to his own child. And no, I know I do NOT what a child of mine to know or be raised by someone who really is a liar and a cheater. I've also realized this, it's just very hard I guess to accept and remember that those are his true colors.
As far as him being not in the picture... I truly believe that he is going to want to be apart of his son's or daughter's life. Maybe not right now this very second because the baby isn't physically here... But I've known him for over a year and a half now.. and I just know he will come back around and contact me just for the sole purpose of seeing his child and being a part of their lives.. Trust me on this please.
So what do I do then? I've already decided that I DO NOT what him being a part of this child's life. As much as I still do love him and wish for him back.. I've already made that choice. I feel like he has chosen the family he wants and unfortunately it wasn't my family. But in the same.. I feel like such a horrible person and soon to be mother.. How can I keep a child away from their father? i Don't know really what to do about that... My worst fear is having to go to court eventually and then having to share the baby and then him and his girlfriend get to play parents to my baby. It's just not fair. I'm confused on what to do in this situation that will soon be here. I also decided I want nothing from him. No child support, not even a single pack of diapers. I just want nothing from him or his family.
What can I do?
I do plan on speaking with an attorney soon as well.
I meant that being a trio, because in all honestly, I know that the father will come around. I know he is going to want to be apart of his child's life soon enough. Maybe not right now because the baby isn't here, and wont be here for awhile now.. but I know he will. Trust me on this. He's girlfriend has already told me "Well, he will take you to court." This was after I had told her that I wanted nothing from him or anything to do with him. ***I had caught him at her house, when I found out they were living together she was the one that spoke to me ourside her house while he hid on the inside after seeing me drive by*** (April 1st btw)
And I have cut off all communication with him about 4 weeks ago now.. not that he is trying to get a hold of me at all. Just throwing that in there.
You're welcome. At some point in the "distant" future, a real man will step in and provide the love, care, and support for you when you're ready. They do exist...and they'll be more than willing to take your "extra baggage
. Maybe, you'll find someone at that time who also has a child...don't worry, men go through this as well. Just don't give up hope because this guy was a douche.
First, give yourself some credit for moving in the "right" direction (put in quotes because I recognize that what is right for me may not be right for you, and I'm trying to be respectful of that). You're facing a lot right now, and the growing pains aren't easy, but you're dealing with things with your eyes wide open and in a straightforward manner. That's admirable and I hope you find the strength and corkage to keep it up.
I can't give advice on how to handle your child's father. I know that my friend kept a record of every interaction she had with her child's father (which, in her case indicated a lack of interest of his part). I think an attorney can better advise you on this. It will depend on the right-to-parent laws in your state.
Something to keep in mind: it's possible that he may have ups and downs in his interest in your child. You'll have to figure out how to negotiate that, especially as the child ages. It's also possible that he uses your child as a pawn to make you feel guilty, or to manipulate his other women. Don't let yourself be played by him again.
Once you've found an attorney, I'd try to find a single parent support group in your area to lean on too.
And even though your road to parenthood isn't "traditional", please know you're welcome to stick around here as a November mama. We welcome everyone
What the heck!? His girlfriend sounds like quite the piece of work too! If I found it my boyfriend fathered a child after a 1.5 year relationship with another woman I would have dropped his ass so fast....
I can see why you don't want your child around these people!
I know.. she is just as bad as him and in a way I fee like.. they truly belong together after all this. Two, when it comes down to it, really just not good people. I think if it had been reversed and I had found out he got her pregnant, although I know I would probably still love him, i would of definitely let him go at that point. I feel like that is the ultimate betrayal on his part to any woman. So it's beyond me why she lets him live with her and continue to be with him. In all this he should be the one suffering but he's just fine. I'm the one suffering in all this and it's really just unfair. You sound like such a strong individual.. I wish I could be half as strong as you and all of your ladies on this site.
I feel like if he were to come back around, and possibly do the right thing.. as far as being apart of our lives fully and going from there.. what should I do? I love the guy, sadly.. I just can't avoid those feelings or deny them. I feel like maybe if he comes around (not pray or hoping or anything on that) I would want to take him back if that where the case. I know what is right for one maybe isn't right for everyone. I feel strongly for him still and I honestly do still want him even now. Anything is possible but I'm not here sitting and putting everything on maybe.. well maybe he will come back. it's not like that but there is a possibility on that.
I'm so sorry girl
Please try to be strong and take care of you and your baby. This guy is a total douche and a poor excuse of a man. Do something nice for yourself and try to stay busy to keep your mind off of him. It is just you and baby now and you need to focus on being the best mother you can possibly be, especially since his whorebag girfriend said he will be taking you to court. Let me tell you, unless they can somehow prove you are an unfit mother, there is no judge that would take an infant from it's mother. And you said he lives a bit far, right? The most he would get for a while would most likely be supervised visitation.
I know you said you don't want anything from him, but you really should look into child support. Both my mother and my bf's mother were single parents. My mother felt bad for my dad and chose not to seek child support and my bf's mother did the opposite. I can tell you his mother definitely made the smarter choice.
Please don't consider taking him back again, he has done you wrong twice already and he would definitely do it again. Don't give him a chance to walk all over you again! I know you love him but be strong, momma! All that matters is your baby and you. You're going to be so in love with this little guy/girl and you need to do what is best for you both. I know you're not thinking about it now but you WILL find a real man in the future who will love you and your child. Don't ever forget that.
I imagine this topic has been beaten with a stick by now and hung out to dry - am I a day too late? Ah well, never too late for some positive advice.
I went through this same situation not too long ago. Me and my boyfriend met in November, I found out I was pregnant in April. At first he was confused (understandable), and then the real drama started. One day he wanted something to do with the baby, the next he didn't.. and one of these spells even went so far as him planning for me and him to move out of state to raise the baby with his family. A few days before we were supposed to move, he bailed, and I was left heartbroken. How could this guy who says he loves me do such a thing? And to his innocent baby of all things? Another time, he called me up and said he never liked me, I just wanted his money, his family hated me, and my baby was going to be dumb.
I soon came to the conclusion that despite everything he said, everything I THOUGHT I wanted, someone who treated me that way was clearly not on the same page as me. Didn't deserve my time or the love of my child. So I blocked it out. I deleted his number, deleted him off Facebook (sigh, yes), and cut off all contact. Eventually, yes, he came around, and yes, he's had to prove himself time and time over before I could finally trust him again.
I'm not saying get your hopes up, if he did come back, begging to be a part of your lives, do you really want him to? Someone who chose another woman over you and your child? Have some pride and love for yourself. You're worth more than that, every woman is. Now is not the time to worry about some idiot who just wants to cause you hurt. You've got a baby on the way! Celebrate that, worry about your baby, and just enjoy your pregnancy while it lasts.
Focus on your child because he or she will give you all the happiness and love that you're looking for. I left my son's father less than 2 months after he was born and my little boy became my entire world. No matter how many children I have, he and I will always have a special connection because there was a time when it was just us.
There are GOOD guys out there and eventually you will find someone who will love you and your child. My husband is an incredible man and my son is as much his now as he is mine. Just don't rush it or try to force it with someone who isn't right just because you want your child to have a father. I made that mistake once right before I met my husband. You are young, just wait and focus on yourself and your child and the right guy will come along when the time is right.
As for the father, honestly, for the sake of you and your son, I hope he stays gone. In my opinion, an absentee father is better than an unwilling, unreliable father. Keep a notebook of any communication (or attempted comuunication) you may have with him, in case he ever takes you to court. Also, if you don't need his child support, don't ask for it. There are plenty of "dads" out there who will go for custody just out of spite because you are collecting child support. If you can get by without, then cut off all communication with him altogether.
I wish you the best of luck. You're in a difficult situation but you aren't alone. See if you can find a local support group for single parents and lean on your family and friends as much as possible. So many of us have gone through similar situations and come out better because of it, you can too.