Ladies with 2 or more MC's! (Siggy warning)

Albah · May 2012

So once was bad enough and when the second time came around....how do or did you feel?

I feel that our 1st MC was extremely difficult. It didn't help that my process was drawn out over several weeks and had a D&C. But I felt destroyed for quite some time.

Now with Round 2, I do feel sad, the emotions come and go in waves the same as the 1st time, but I kind of feel more numb this time. Not sure if I'm putting up a front as a way to cope. I also feel more angry! Now we know that something is definitely wrong and I just feel like we need to solve this issue so we can move on and try again. I don't know if this is day 2 syndrome after MC but it feels strange to me, I feel that I'm mourning a bit different.

It also doesn't help that with 2 under our belt, the few close people that know about our losses have said some pretty crazy things. It's almost like the more MC's, people say stupider things. Here were some of the initial responses:

1. Oh, you guys need to take your time. You tried too quick.

2. That ballet class you were taking is very intense.

3. Maybe you guys should take a longer break.

It was bad enough that someone told me with our last loss that "this is your fault, you know, you are not eating right, you are too skinny."

I obviously know all these things are absurd and I can say my husband and I have laughed out loud after a few of these, but I can tell you I was far from laughing when I first heard them.I realize people just don't know what to say sometimes but some of these ladies have gone through a MC for goodness sake.

I just needed to vent a bit ladies.

Thanks and hugs to you all!!!

kpowers982 · May 2012

First of all, I don't know who would have the gall to offer advice about what you did "wrong" to have 2 m/cs happen, but they are very obviously ignorant and lucky enough to not have experienced this for themselves. I am so sorry people feel like they have a right to tell you that.

I have a lot of the same feelings you do about your second loss. With the first, there were stretches of time where I was in such despair I didn't think I'd ever come out of it. With this one, I feel pretty numb. I'm so jaded from the first loss still, I had the mindset that we were headed for a second loss from the start, and I did not let myself get attached in any way. I do get sad from time to time - mostly when I see pregnant women hitting their big milestones and thinking, "I should be doing that too, not grieving my second consecutive loss." I'm very bitter, and just generally very negative about everything right now, and that makes me sad for myself. I used to be a very happy, bright cheerful person and I miss that.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you again, my heart hurts for you. Myself and I'm sure plenty of others here can definitely relate to what you are feeling. Here's hoping that the tides turn for all of us soon and better days are ahead.

behapy2day · May 2012

I don't remember how far along you were with either of your losses, but my second loss was a CP. I can tell you that while I was sad over the CP, it is no where near the same as the grief I still feel over my 11 week MC (it's like comparing apples and oranges). I didnt even want to acknowledge my CP as an actual loss at first...

I feel like I am not being much help, lol, but just wanted to say I can relate to the numb feeling... I'm not trying to compare my CP to your loss bc I think you were a little further along, but just wanted to agree that it seems you build a wall to protect yourself the second time around as a way to cope.

Albah · May 2012

kpowers982:
First of all, I don't know who would have the gall to offer advice about what you did "wrong" to have 2 m/cs happen, but they are very obviously ignorant and lucky enough to not have experienced this for themselves. I am so sorry people feel like they have a right to tell you that.

I have a lot of the same feelings you do about your second loss. With the first, there were stretches of time where I was in such despair I didn't think I'd ever come out of it. With this one, I feel pretty numb. I'm so jaded from the first loss still, I had the mindset that we were headed for a second loss from the start, and I did not let myself get attached in any way. I do get sad from time to time - mostly when I see pregnant women hitting their big milestones and thinking, "I should be doing that too, not grieving my second consecutive loss." I'm very bitter, and just generally very negative about everything right now, and that makes me sad for myself. I used to be a very happy, bright cheerful person and I miss that.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you again, my heart hurts for you. Myself and I'm sure plenty of others here can definitely relate to what you are feeling. Here's hoping that the tides turn for all of us soon and better days are ahead.

I completely feel the same. I also had a poor mentality from the start with the 2nd loss. I went into my Ob's office on Tuesday basically saying, I know it's happening again, let's just get over it. It's terrible.

kpowers982 · May 2012

Exactly. Last week when my Peri did an u/s (even though I was only there for a consult), before the tech even started, I said, "my betas and P4 are low, it's probably a blighted ovum." And she said, "how do you know that," to which my response was, "this isn't my first time at this rodeo."

Albah · May 2012

behapy2day:
I don't remember how far along you were with either of your losses, but my second loss was a CP. I can tell you that while I was sad over the CP, it is no where near the same as the grief I still feel over my 11 week MC (it's like comparing apples and oranges). I didnt even want to acknowledge my CP as an actual loss at first...

I feel like I am not being much help, lol, but just wanted to say I can relate to the numb feeling... I'm not trying to compare my CP to your loss bc I think you were a little further along, but just wanted to agree that it seems you build a wall to protect yourself the second time around as a way to cope.

I couldn't imagine what you have gone through. I could definitely see how a loss at 11 weeks is much more difficult than a CP. My 1st loss was at 6.5 weeks, so it was much earlier. But we did see a sac and fetal pole with that one, had all the pregnancy symptoms, and ended up with a D&C. My 2nd one was a CP. Definitely "easier" on my body and mentally a quicker process as well as I was diagnosed the day I had the ultrasound and 1st HCG. I agree that the type/timing of the loss has a big effect on everything. The only thing about this 2nd loss that may make it more difficult in terms of EDD is that I actually had an EDD...the day after my birthday. My first loss I had no period to base it on so I just new I was due sometime in "mid September."

Laurakat81 · May 2012

Each of my losses left me with a different reaction. I was devastated after my first loss. I was barely able to function for months. It was horrible.

With my second loss I knew I couldn't go through the same thing without reaching out for help so I did. I was still just a mess for a long time. I truly felt like a mental case. There were aspects about that loss that were so much harder: thinking will I ever carry a child to term? What is wrong with me that this has happened twice? Etc. But because I reached out I think it was easier in some ways too. I didn't bottle up like I did the first time.

With the third, it was odd. I thought I'd die, literally die, if I had to go through another loss. But then it happened and I never cried. Ive been angry about my lost tube, about losing a third baby, but never really felt like I've grieved. I cry at everything and will cry if I think about it but I'm more upset (and a bit ashamed) about losing a tube and my "fertility" than I am about the baby. I think for me, after 2 mc in a row I knew I'd miscarry again....but never imagined ectopic.

With my 4th, a CP, it was more like finding out that my favorite pair of jeans had been destroyed. I know that sounds harsh. I just wasn't and haven't been upset about it beyond thinking, "I really want a baby. I've waited long enough!". I think it's just that we weren't TTC that cycle, I had no idea when I ovulated, and the test was so light that I just wasn't feeling it from the start. Retesting the very next day already showed a bfn so I feel like I just never had a chance to get excited. Honestly I've thought about removing my 4th loss from my siggy....just bc I feel like I didn't lose anything. (but please know this is how I feel and I am NOT saying a CP isn't a real loss. I think it's just that I've had too many now and I'm just numb to it)

Albah · May 2012

Laurakat81:
Each of my losses left me with a different reaction. I was devastated after my first loss. I was barely able to function for months. It was horrible.

With my second loss I knew I couldn't go through the same thing without reaching out for help so I did. I was still just a mess for a long time. I truly felt like a mental case. There were aspects about that loss that were so much harder: thinking will I ever carry a child to term? What is wrong with me that this has happened twice? Etc. But because I reached out I think it was easier in some ways too. I didn't bottle up like I did the first time.
With the third, it was odd. I thought I'd die, literally die, if I had to go through another loss. But then it happened and I never cried. Ive been angry about my lost tube, about losing a third baby, but never really felt like I've grieved. I cry at everything and will cry if I think about it but I'm more upset (and a bit ashamed) about losing a tube and my "fertility" than I am about the baby. I think for me, after 2 mc in a row I knew I'd miscarry again....but never imagined ectopic.
With my 4th, a CP, it was more like finding out that my favorite pair of jeans had been destroyed. I know that sounds harsh. I just wasn't and haven't been upset about it beyond thinking, "I really want a baby. I've waited long enough!". I think it's just that we weren't TTC that cycle, I had no idea when I ovulated, and the test was so light that I just wasn't feeling it from the start. Retesting the very next day already showed a bfn so I feel like I just never had a chance to get excited. Honestly I've thought about removing my 4th loss from my siggy....just bc I feel like I didn't lose anything. (but please know this is how I feel and I am NOT saying a CP isn't a real loss. I think it's just that I've had too many now and I'm just numb to it)

Laurakat (I don't know if your 1st name is Laura but that's my name too), you are one strong woman! You have been through so much! I can definitely see how each loss has brought a different spectrum of emotions and how a CP is at the bottom of the tadpole. It's the easiest loss to assimilate. It's like it almost never happened. I just had a light period that was about a week late with literally almost no cramping so out of my 2 losses it's been the easier one (so far). But I could see how a CP could be a big deal to someone who has only had CP's. It's all about perspective.

<hugs>

Laurakat81 · May 2012

Albah:
Laurakat81:
Each of my losses left me with a different reaction. I was devastated after my first loss. I was barely able to function for months. It was horrible.

With my second loss I knew I couldn't go through the same thing without reaching out for help so I did. I was still just a mess for a long time. I truly felt like a mental case. There were aspects about that loss that were so much harder: thinking will I ever carry a child to term? What is wrong with me that this has happened twice? Etc. But because I reached out I think it was easier in some ways too. I didn't bottle up like I did the first time.
With the third, it was odd. I thought I'd die, literally die, if I had to go through another loss. But then it happened and I never cried. Ive been angry about my lost tube, about losing a third baby, but never really felt like I've grieved. I cry at everything and will cry if I think about it but I'm more upset (and a bit ashamed) about losing a tube and my "fertility" than I am about the baby. I think for me, after 2 mc in a row I knew I'd miscarry again....but never imagined ectopic.
With my 4th, a CP, it was more like finding out that my favorite pair of jeans had been destroyed. I know that sounds harsh. I just wasn't and haven't been upset about it beyond thinking, "I really want a baby. I've waited long enough!". I think it's just that we weren't TTC that cycle, I had no idea when I ovulated, and the test was so light that I just wasn't feeling it from the start. Retesting the very next day already showed a bfn so I feel like I just never had a chance to get excited. Honestly I've thought about removing my 4th loss from my siggy....just bc I feel like I didn't lose anything. (but please know this is how I feel and I am NOT saying a CP isn't a real loss. I think it's just that I've had too many now and I'm just numb to it)
Laurakat (I don't know if your 1st name is Laura but that's my name too), you are one strong woman! You have been through so much! I can definitely see how each loss has brought a different spectrum of emotions and how a CP is at the bottom of the tadpole. It's the easiest loss to assimilate. It's like it almost never happened. I just had a light period that was about a week late with literally almost no crapping so out of my 2 losses it's been the easier one (so far). But I could see how a CP could be a big deal to someone who has only had CP's. It's all about perspective.
<hugs>

My first name is Laura but I go by my middle name which is Katharine or Kat (didn't really think my sn through!).

I agree. I think if my first loss had been a CP then it would have just hit me differently. Im certain I would have been devastated. So I suppose I'm grateful that if I had to have a CP at least it happened when it did, at a time where I was mentally able to deal with it.

Laurakat81 · May 2012

Oh and can I throat punch the heffer who said the mc was your fault?!?!

Reminds me of my best friends husband who upon finding out I was pregnant the second time asked my BF, "is she going to be more careful this time?"!!!

Damn good thing he didn't say it to me. I was mad enough at my BF for even telling me!

Albah · May 2012

Laurakat81:
Oh and can I throat punch the heffer who said the mc was your fault?!?!

Reminds me of my best friends husband who upon finding out I was pregnant the second time asked my BF, "is she going to be more careful this time?"!!!
Damn good thing he didn't say it to me. I was mad enough at my BF for even telling me!

Oh my goodness, it was terrible. Those were her exact words (my husband's aunt who is like a mother to him). I looked at her and said "no it's not, I'm eating perfectly fine and healthy." I really composed myself that day. Wow Kat, people seriously are unbelievable. I am ready to make copies and whip out the medical journal and show them what the causes of a miscarriage truly are.

Laurakat81 · May 2012

Albah:
Laurakat81:
Oh and can I throat punch the heffer who said the mc was your fault?!?!

Reminds me of my best friends husband who upon finding out I was pregnant the second time asked my BF, "is she going to be more careful this time?"!!!
Damn good thing he didn't say it to me. I was mad enough at my BF for even telling me!

Oh my goodness, it was terrible. Those were her exact words (my husband's aunt who is like a mother to him). I looked at her and said "no it's not, I'm eating perfectly fine and healthy." I really composed myself that day. Wow Kat, people seriously are unbelievable. I am ready to make copies and whip out the medical journal and show them what the causes of a miscarriage truly are.

We should make a pamphlet, "The IDIOT'S Guide to What Causes a Miscarriage!" just hand one out any time we hear an insensitive comment!

tracyfromnh · May 2012

Wow! I'm so releived that I read this post. My first loss in January - just devistation, crying for weeks, just hurting. This time I would have been shocked if it worked out, and i was pissed when they told me no heartbeat. Of course sad too, but just felt so different than the first one. Its very nice to know I'm NOT the only one. Of course I have the fear, since I've never had a live child and I'm 37, can I really do it. I think I'm taking the summer off of "trying", or at least that's what I say now, 2 weeks off the second loss! Thoughts and prayers to all of you, and stay strong!

behapy2day · May 2012

Laurakat81:

With my 4th, a CP, it was more like finding out that my favorite pair of jeans had been destroyed. I know that sounds harsh. I just wasn't and haven't been upset about it beyond thinking, "I really want a baby. I've waited long enough!". I think it's just that we weren't TTC that cycle, I had no idea when I ovulated, and the test was so light that I just wasn't feeling it from the start. Retesting the very next day already showed a bfn so I feel like I just never had a chance to get excited. Honestly I've thought about removing my 4th loss from my siggy....just bc I feel like I didn't lose anything. (but please know this is how I feel and I am NOT saying a CP isn't a real loss. I think it's just that I've had too many now and I'm just numb to it)

I seriously could have written this myself. I imagine if it had been my first loss, I would feel a lot differently. I had about 4 days of positive hpts with the CP, but they never got darker, and I just "knew" so I think I coped a lot differently.

racheljourney · May 2012

Thanks for this post.

I was just talking to DH about it and its different the second time for us. The first one was devastating and it took me a long time to recover. This second time was like "done this before" and lived the worst possible case scenario except ironically with the second ectopic I lost my right tube. So the physical side was rougher however now I am getting back into self nurturing habits like yoga and eating right. I am going back to acupuncture tomorrow. I have bouts of sadness but I know we can get through it.

However the fear of another ectopic is definitely there as that will be it for us. I am amazed of the courage of the women who have had more losses.

behapy2day · May 2012

racheljourney:

Thanks for this post.

I was just talking to DH about it and its different the second time for us. The first one was devastating and it took me a long time to recover. This second time was like "done this before" and lived the worst possible case scenario except ironically with the second ectopic I lost my right tube. So the physical side was rougher however now I am getting back into self nurturing habits like yoga and eating right. I am going back to acupuncture tomorrow. I have bouts of sadness but I know we can get through it.

However the fear of another ectopic is definitely there as that will be it for us. I am amazed of the courage of the women who have had more losses.

I am curious about your experience with acupuncture. I am considering it bc I O pretty much every cycle at cd23 and would like to move that up if possible. My obgyn doesnt seem all that concerned about it though, lol.

CrittleCole · May 2012

First, I am so sorry for your losses. I myself have gone through two miscarriages now. The first was very early around 6 weeks, and my last one, in January, was at 9 weeks. Sadly I am not too shocked by the insensitive things that people have said. DH and I have been trying to have a child for going on 4 years. I can't tell you how many of the, "I knew this couple that had problems conceiving and then they went on vacation and BAM!," and, "My cousins adopted because they thought the couldn't have children and as soon as they finalized the adoption, BAM, they were pregnant," and,"you just need to relax and it'll happen, you're still young." I've heard these things from friends, family, co-workers, counselors, and even OB/GYNs. I hate that we have to listen to these idiotic things, but DH and I just laugh at the thought that these things make sense in peoples' heads.

My first miscarriage was more like a heavy period than this last one. I took it pretty hard, and the mention of anyone having babies would most often send me into meltdown mode. At the same time because of some of the comments that I got from doctors I always questioned in the back of my mind if that one really "counted," as it was so early on.

With my second pregnancy I had an appointment for the first ultrasound at my 10 week mark. Right before the appointment I checked the labs that I had had drawn previous and my HCG level had dropped. I burst into tears immediately knowing that something was wrong. The ultrasound confirmed that the baby had no heartbeat and had stopped growing at 9w2d. I was offered the pill to push the miscarriage along, a D&C, or I could just wait it out. I waited 3 weeks for my miscarriage to happen. During that three weeks I was completely numb to the situation. I couldn't cry and felt kind of bad about that as DH was very emotional about it. I also felt an obligation to feel the feelings, if that makes sense, but the only feeling I had was guilt for not being sad enough. The day that the miscarriage actually happened was when it hit me. When I saw the baby in the toilet (sorry if that is too graphic) it finally hit that I actually had been pregnant and that the miscarriage really did happen. That feeling of being numb and really in disbelief about what was happening to my body was a strange way to exist. I am sorry that this post is soooo long, but I definitely can relate to how numb you may be feeling right now. Hopefully this board will help you. ((((HUGS))))

sarah_e87 · May 2012

The first time, I didn't really deal with my feelings...I just kept moving forward with work, school, and making sure I was safe from the abusive man that I had left just days before. I blame myself for my first loss. I was in an abusive relationship. I chose to stay and didn't choose to leave until he beat me bad. I know the last beating is what caused me to m/c.

After my first m/c and the infertility, I have been hesitant and fearful that I would m/c again...And I did. I just hope that I don't have to deal with another loss.

The second time, I was so shocked that I was pregnant in the first place that it took a while for me to process that I had, in fact, been pregnant and had a second loss. I'm now struggling to deal with it. To say I'm sad doesn't do the way I feel justice. I'm angry with myself. I'm angry with my soon to be ex-husband. I'm angry with God. I think this time around, my unresolved feelings from my first m/c resurfaced and coupled with my infertility and my husband leaving, have made it more difficult to grieve and deal with this loss. I will never forget my mother's words when she found out about my second m/c (she doesn't know about my first). She said, "That's the best thing I've heard all day! At least you know you can get pregnant!"

I've found that I avoid people more this time around. I don't bite my tongue anymore. If you say something stupid to me about my losses, I'm going to let you know that you've said something stupid and offensive.

racheljourney · June 2012

I just started going because after charting post first miscarriage my cycles went from 27-28 days to 23-24. It took about a month my cycles lengthened each time back up to 28 days. Plus my chart looked better, less jagged lines, CM also better as well. I don't know who long your cycles are, but for me it worked. Also provided a way to completely decompress. I also have done herbs and she was the one that introduced to me to yoga and provided guidelines around diet.

mhubbar5 · June 2012

I got told I lost my first because I drake coke sometimes at work to keep myself awake. I knew people were stupid but its like a whole new level of stupid comes out when you mention a loss. My second loss was a cp and from the very first I was detached. I figured that it was just my way of protecting myself should anything happen, and sure enough it did. I was sad, but nothing like my first loss. I mourned much differently, its easier to grieve when its not such a complete and utter shock. I am sorry for your losses and for the stupid sh!t that people say. ((HUGS))

Albah · June 2012

Thank you for all of your input and encouragement ladies. It's interesting that for the most part, we have similar ways of handling the subsequent loss. And I hope that it's the LAST one for all of us! <hugs>

Ladies with 2 or more MC's! (Siggy warning)

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