wwyd? Input please.
CFjo2010
member
Next Wednesday there is a Volunteers Tea at K?s school. The invites went home a couple weeks ago, unbeknownst to me. Last Tuesday when I picked K up from school, her teacher asked if I was going to make it to the Tea. Um, what Tea? The teacher seemed pretty frustrated and handed me a new invitation. She explained that she put one in the folder addressed to me (and a separate one to BM) the week before and apologized that I didn?t receive it. Let?s just be honest here: BM got it and chucked it. Awesome. I need to let the teacher know by Friday if I?m going to go. I?ve been going back and forth with it the past week and I?m torn.
I really want to go because I worked with those kiddos quite a bit before I started work in February and miss seeing them. Even now that I?m unable to volunteer in class each week, I still do a lot of activities for the school and am very involved with the PTA. I really would like to see the other parents that I?ve been unable to catch up with since I?m not at the school as much during the day. On the flip side: BM obviously will show up. She will undoubtedly go out of her way to make the entire event uncomfortable for everyone involved if I go (as evidenced by her withholding my initial invite and previous behavior at school events). As much as I hate dealing with her, why shouldn?t I get to participate in this? I've done far more in the classroom than she has, and she only began volunteering after K asked me to. The teacher went out of her way to invite me, and even asked to make sure I received the invite.
I would really appreciate some input from you ladies on this. TIA.
Re: wwyd? Input please.
I would skip it. It would hurt, and it would be hard for me, but I think I would feel worse if I went and she caused a scene.
BUT I would also make sure to say something to her along the lines of "Oh, I'm so glad you made it to the volunteer's tea. I just couldn't fit it into my schedule." Or something. Just so she knows you know.
All the kids are going to the same school next year, right?
Yes, in the Fall the girls will be in school together. I was also hoping to use the Tea as a chance to meet some of the other 3rd grade moms so that in the Fall it's not "hey who's the new chick?".
My husband suggested maybe just popping in at the Tea, saying "hi" and then leaving. That way the teacher knows I made the effort and didn't completely blow her off after she went out of her way to make sure I got the invite.
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If you want to go, you should go.
I don't think you should allow other people's lack of manners from affecting you and what you do in life. You are responsible for your actions, they are responsible for their actions. It's that simple.
Go with your head held up high. And let her make it uncomfortable. Everyone will just keep seeing how horrible she is. You can't control her actions so you shouldn't let her ruin something you love doing.
If it gets even worse is there any way to get her voted out?
Yeah, I would totally want to do the same.
My concern, I guess, would be going, having BM make a scene, and then wonder if the ladies I didn't know would think I was inviting drama. But I am ultra non-confrontational.
I like your husband's suggestion.
This is a hard one. If you truly think that BM will "undoubtedly go out of her way to make the entire event uncomfortable for everyone involved if I go (as evidenced by her withholding my initial invite and previous behavior at school events)" I don't think you should go, or at least I wouldn't go. I totally get that you do a lot for your step-daughter, but in some areas it is my opinion that you overstep boundaries and that you should probably step aside if BM is willing to step up and volunteer in her daughter's class and then respect that she is not comfortable having you there.
I really don't know your whole story but in my opinion you should NOT be going to a an event that the child's mom is already attending. You have only been married for a year and a half and petty as it may seem you don't even have your stepchild listed in your siggy with your biological children.
Your SC has a mom, let her be one. Do you have some other woman trying to take over your mother role to your bio kids? How would that make you feel?
My ex has two teenage daughters. Their mom has been remarried since the kids were toddlers and they have primary custody. Do you know who participates in all the kids events as a parent? (such as father/daughter dances) their father and their mother. Because even though they probably spend more time with the step dad everyone involved knows who their real father is and respects it. Their stepdad would never dream of butting in and taking his place. Just as I would never dream of doing that for any future stepchild who has an active parent.
I do find your comment petty. I don't have any of my children listed in my siggy, except for the child I lost in December and my current pregnancy. My 12 year old son and 8 year old daughter aren't listed in my siggy, so should I not be involved in their activities? Even though my husband and I have only been married a year and a half, I've known K since she was born and she's now 6.
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But the rest of the comments were legit. It is great that you want to be involved but when her Mom wants to do things it is not the place of a step-Mom to do it. It might suck but a step-Mom does not get to be recognized as much.
This!
In a blended family situation you need to get past not sharing school activities. A specific mother/father function is not the same thing as tea for involved parents.
Wait - is your SD going to witness any "scene?" or will it just be the other mothers?
My primary concern would be SD. I would take a step back if I thought she would end up embarressed at all by having you there (even if it was b/c even though YOU behaved, BM pitched such a fit).
If this is "adults only," I wouldn't let BMs actions or wishes dictate what I did or what events I attended. She will only learn that if she is ugly enough (or threatens to be) she will have the ability to control your life.
So even though K specifically asks me and the kids to be at all these activities and functions, I should "step back" so that BM feels better? What does that do for K? Especially when her mother is telling her now that I'm pregnant Daddy and I don't care about K as much and won't want her as much. If it was K telling me not to go or be involved then I would step back. But since she's asking me to do these things, shouldn't I be?
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Just go. You do not need anyone's opinions, thoughts, or validations. You clearly love her and she loves you just as much. All these women who are saying you have less rights might have a point legally. Emotionally speaking they seem way off. Step moms can be just as important. You do not need to be blood related to be involved. BM stepped up because she is jealous of the relationship you share with her daughter. Which I must add is the most effed up reason to do what you should do in the first place. Keep in mind this is all coming from a birth mom with no step children. I think it's great that you are so loving with a child who is not your own
I can't quote all the people I want... But I agree with Kali55 who said that this is a volunteer tea, not a BM tea. Wendi and Amanda summed it up nicely as well.
As for me, I think you should go. If it were me, I know that it would be hard for me to go because I really don't like conflict, but I think you a) deserve recognition for your volunteer time, b) K would probably be upset if you didn't go, c) You may get to meet some new people like you said, d) BM would feel that she can dictate what you attend/do not attend if you didn't go. That's not cool.
I didn't really like the comments where people told you to back off & let BM do all the stuff. K wants you to be involved. It's not like you're pressing her for a relationship that isn't there. I understand that BMs may feel that you're trying to take over their job, but they really need to look at the bigger picture -which is the happiness of the child.
ps: Feel free to flame me for comment d. My BGP are on!
ETA: fix a sentence
Do you see the hypocracy here? You are demanding BM to step back so YOU feel better.
And please STOP pulling the "but they want me there" card.
Of course your DH wants you there vs his ex wife. She is an ex for a reason, you are the current wife for a reason. At the very least, there is some preferential bias there.
As for the 6yo; a) she wants everyone in her life to be there for her important events because she loves you all, b) she has NOT clue about the undercurrents going on (hence not being able to dismiss her mother's comments about your pregnancy outright) and doesnt understand asking for everyone there can hurt feelings, and c) NO CHILD gets to determine what is rigghteous or appopriate for the adults.
Look, I applaud you for wanting to be a good mother and stepmother. But it has been mentioned on more than one occassion, that your involvement and subsequent reactions to BM's angst go beyond what is appropriate.
Hell, my SS LIVES with me and has the most self-centered BM (she married some guy that SS has never met and couldnt be bothered to invited SD to the wedding, let alone wait the 50 days for SS to be home) in the world. And even though I have taken over EVERY PART of the mother role, I would always happily step back and allow her any "mother role" she would want because I know that fostering a good parent-child relationship is paramount in raising a healthy, considerate (ding ding ding), intelligent, self-sufficient, etc adult.
I personally feel that you do not do things for the good of K, you do them because you are in constant competition with BM.
You will be damned if you are going to let BM push you back from a school event DESPITE the fact that there may be a scene that will ultimately upset K and make others feel uncomfortable.
If someone is going to have to step back it most certainly will not be you.
I feel bad for you in a way because I could not imagine living my life feeling like I constantly had to be one step ahead of someone.
My advice is.. if you have the free time then go do something FOR YOURSELF. Forget seizing the opportunity to puff out your feathers in true 'new wife' style.
Don't look upon it as conceding to her as that gives her power over your life. Look upon it as being confident enough and self assured enough to not care. Look upon it as your life being more important that chasing after her to 'beat her at the game'.
I tend to like to live my life in harmony with all things relating to Bm. If she doesn't want me any where for some reason, I step away. You're fighting a battle that you will inevitably lose. Push comes to shove and you MAKE your SD choose who she wants at these events (I can see Bm saying "me or her" to your SD at school events when she's 10 and 11) and she will always choose her Bm.
Im there for SS whenever but I'm not his mom and I honor her wishes when it comes to certain things. I bet you will find if you step away you will actually be invited back in more and more over time. You and Bm working in collaboration would be a much better thing for your SD to witness than two women trying to one up each other over petty silly stuff.
I missed where OP said that BM shouldn't go? I don't think it's expecting too much that a grown woman be able to sit down and have tea and keep her mouth shut so they can both be there since they both volunteered...
Wait, I never meant to imply that BM shouldn't go to the Volunteer Tea. If it came across that way, I apologize. When I referenced me "stepping back to make BM feel better", I didn't mean that BM should step back. What I meant was, why can't we just co-exist? We don't have to be BFFs, nor do we have to sit together. It's a very large MPR the Tea is being held in, so there will be plenty of other tables to sit at. BM can very easily sit at one table, and I can sit at another. As for me being "ever-present", it's just going to be worse in the Fall when I'm not splitting my time between 2 schools.
K has asked to me go to numerous activities at the school, and I have declined for BM. More specifically, there was a Muffins With Mom morning and K asked me to go because she wanted "both moms" to be there. I told her she should do this event with just Mommy and that we could have our own "muffin" day that weekend. Events that are specifically for Moms, I've bowed out from despite K's requests that I be there. But as PP said, this isn't a Mom Tea, it's a Volunteer Tea. Moms, Dads, Grandmas, Grandpas and Step-parents who give their time to the school have been invited. It's not about being recognized as a step-parent, it's about being recognized for the time and work we put in to improve the school.
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I just got an email from the teacher reminding everyone that kids are not allowed at the Tea. The kids will be decorating placemats for the guests, but will not be in attendance. I kind of thought they were going to be there as well, but I was wrong.
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I can tell you that as a Stepparent, I go to my SS school functions and activities when I can because I love him and want to show my support for him. the only thing I do not go to is his IEP meetings, he is not there and his bio parents sit down and make decisions about his education. My concern is for him, and if BM has a problem with it that is not really my problem. If a stepparent wants to be good to your child and show that they love and support your child, you should be thankful that they have someone who about them so much and treats them right. Put on your big girl panties and get over your hurt feelings.
So you WERE actually pushing to go, even though you thought SD was going to be there AND suspected that BM was going to throw a fit......
How was THAT about doing what was right for your SD?
I get that BM is the BSC one in this scenario, but it is almost like you are PUSHING her to act out so you can say "See, I told you she is BSC." In the defense world, that is entrapment.
You are looking at my post in the most LITERAL interpretation. Notice I didnt say BM should stay home...but step back - which to me means step back in HER feelings so OP can do/say/feel how SHE wants.
Of course both should be grown-ups about it. Of course both should be able to sit in the same room without incident.
But the OP (and many other SMs here) feel that BioMoms should not FEEL any form of jealousy or disconnect or insecurities OR loss of control. And the OP totally disregaurds the BM's right to certain actions/activities (as the biological mother) because...well so what if she is the BM, I as the SM am just as important.
THAT is the impression I have gleened from this OP's numerous posts about her relationship wiht the BM. It SEEMS that the MORE the OP pushes to be included in her SD's life, the MORE BM pushes back.
What we are trying to say here, is that if the OP stops pushing so much** her relationship with the BM might just ease up a bit....and ISNT THAT what is best for the child in question?
**(you can SHOW your love, affection, support for a child without doing the stereotypical MOTHER things.)
Again, I am not saying that you shouldnt go that extra mile, but what is so hard about considering the BM's feelings before you do something? Isnt "consideration and empathy" a couple of the traits we want to teach our kids?
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As a BM I have to agree. OP I think your heart is in the right place, but sometimes you do seem to go a bit far and some of the things you have done could be further antagonizing the BM, which in the long run is not best for your SC. Let the BM do this tea, and like a PPer suggested, go out and do something for yourself during this time.
Maybe someday you will be in BM's shoes. Then you will get to see what it feels like to have some other woman butting in on your life and you will get to put on your big girl panties while some other woman mothers your child.