At my wits end with DH

NatnDyl · May 2012

Let me give a little disclaimer that DH is great with DS, patient and loves him to pieces. Also DH will help with any chores that I ask him to do, usually.

The problem, is that I have to ask him to do everything. I don't expect him to be a mind reader, I made a "to do" list of stuff that has to happen each weekday morning and night and a separate list for weekend chores. They aren't all his chores, its more of a visual reminder of what he can do to help out.

It seems like every morning and afternoon, I find him sitting on the couch. sit on the couch and have your down time, but AFTER the chores are done. You can always relax later, but if bottles aren't made, dishes aren't in the dishwasher, etc, the mess piles up and its harder to keep the house running smoothly. I'm just so irritated because if I don't think about something, it won't happen. We are traveling for a 3 day weekend with DS this weekend and I'm worried I'll forget something. Its stressful being the only thinking about what we need to pack, remember the car seat, etc.

I guess to top it all off, I'm still holding a little grudge. My EDD was 2/11 so I bought a Valentines Day card well before DS was born on 2/6. DH did nothing for Valentines Day. DH did nothing for Mother's day. He said he meant to, but then didn't, which drives me crazy because its not a secret when Mother's Day is and he remembered a card for his mom. For our annivesary, I got him a card, which is all we usually do. He got me a card too, but not until after work, so he waited until I had already given him his card, then went out and got me one. The week after our anniversary, my parents were in town so they were going to watch DS so DH and I could have a date. Well DH went up to take a nap, didn't set an alarm and slept through our reservation time. I went upstairs to wake him up, he rolled over, looked at me and then went back to sleep. I was so pissed I left and went out to run errands by myself since my parents were already there to watch DS.

kristin172429 · May 2012

It sounds like it is time for a talk about expectations. When it comes to taking care of the house, people do things differently. You might be programmed to do it all first and then relax. DH could be someone who will get to it, but not until later. If this stresses you out, it might be wise to split up the stuff that needs to get done and make some sort of agreement on when you each are okay with it being done. Don't make a list and assume he'll just see it and do anything. Honestly, if DH posted a list of "things to get done" I don't know if I would even think to check it for stuff *I* need to do.

As for gifts and special occasions, don't ask him to be a mind reader. Tell him what you expect. Even it if is a single conversation about how you want the whole year to go. Let him know how you feel, what you want, etc.

Now, I'm going to play devil's advocate on the whole nap - went back to sleep thing. Did he really wake up and was aware of the world? If you wake up DH, he is in another world. He doesn't even remember it sometimes. I'm not saying that it excuses his behavior. He should have set an alarm and made sure he was ready to go. It kind of sounds like you were already upset before you went to wake him up.

NatnDyl · May 2012

You're right about the nap thing. I was already mad that I was going to have to wake him up to remind him we had a date. I think that was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

I feel like we have had conversations about how chores and responsibilities should be split, but maybe if I try again and try my very best to be calm and not raise my voice so he hopefully gets the message.

As for holidays, we aren't very romantic and usually just do cards. So when he couldn't get his act together and even buy a card it made me crazy. I feel like I've set the bar very low and he still didn't put out any effort.

noryang · May 2012

Sounds like DH is not meeting your expectations (which seem reasonable to me). There are few feelings more painful or frustrating because it makes you feel like he doesn't care. I am sure that he does. But you have to be sure that HE understands them. The only way to do that is a focused, verbal conversation. It what men seem to respond to best (generally speaking).

kristin172429 · May 2012

He definitely needs to hold up his end of things. Slacking or leaving everything because he'll know you'll do it if he does that just isn't fair. When you do have a conversation, it'll be really important that you don't come at the conversation "taking sides" - what you want vs what he wants. That tends to just escalate things and often accomplishes little. Try aiming the conversation towards what the "house" & LO needs and how you will work together to achieve that. If he says "I can load the dishwasher, but I really want to do it before I go to bed, try to be open to that. It might be tough because you want it done before sitting down to relax for the evening, but you have to compromise some places.

If you haven't told him already, I would tell him that I was disappointed and upset. Now, thinking like a guy - he DID get you a card. He might not get that you expected him to remember you anniversary and be ready to exchange cards that morning. You'll likely have to tell him how it made you feel (like he forgot the day, that you were an afterthought, etc).

Good luck! Sometime you just have to really plainly and simply explain things to guys. And definitely try to not yell. Wink

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