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Blended Families
Random question about last names.
FI and I are expecting our first child together, and getting married next year. All of our last names will be the same and my son's last name will be different. XH is really not in his life often, and will be gone for 4 years living in Germany. He has no legal or custodial rights to W. We would like to hyphenate W's last name so that he isn't the odd one out, so to speak. Is this something that is easily done? Will I have to convince XH, since he technically does not have legal rights?
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Re: Random question about last names.
If he's listed on the Birth Certificate, then yes you have to get his "permission". You need a CO to legally change a last name (unless it's because of marriage). If XH is unwilling to consent to the name change, you'll have to petition the Court and prove how it would be of detriment to your son not to change the name. Even if he's not listed on the Birth Certificate, a Judge will ask you if you've asked the biological father about the name-change. In my experience (in CA), Judges don't do it. A lot of it depends on the age of the child, but for the most part Judges consider it to "disrupt the status quo".
If it helps at all, my kiddos don't have my husband's last name. They still have their father's last name (and he's a complete absentee parent). Our Brady Bunch clan has 3 names: my kiddos last names, mine and my husband's last name, and K's last name is hyphenated with BM's last name. None of the kids care (they're 12, 8, 6). Kids are smart, they know that "names" don't make a family.
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I just did this! My daughters last name was my maiden name and I wanted it to be my H's. BF has no rights but there is a CO. I had get him to agree and sign the paper. I'm not sure were you live but the process was super easy. I had to file a petition, pay a fee, and then go infront of the judge at uncontested court.
I know this sounds awful but the way I got BF to do it was say "hey we are due for CS modification and I won't ask for more if you agree to this". I did try to be nice and say it was in her best interest but he wanted to know what was in it for him so I had to go that route. I mean my case is a little different because he hasn't even met my DD.
IMHO changing you DS name bc you are having a new kid is not a good reason and hyphenating his Dad's name and his SD's name is just weird. Unless DH is adopting DS I would leave it alone, if you and DH split he would have no legal ties to DS but DS would have his name.
And can we ask for a general answe of why BD is going to Germany and why he is not involved more? I am mostly trying to figure out if he is in the military.
Yes, he's in the military. When DS was born, he basically wanted nothing to do with him. He went out constantly, came home hammered and would abuse me, cheated constantly, even brought other women home while I WAS THERE. I left and at this point only wants to be a dad when it is convenient for him. Does not pay child support, asked to be transferred to Germany because "it would be more fun and there's lots of partying there", does not call or try to Skype with DS. Basically he wants nothing to do with him unless we force him to. I have asked him to sign over his rights (since he has no legal rights, no custody and doesn't pay child support) and he has made it clear that the only reason he won't do that is to spite me. He's a flucking DB.
This. My DD doesn't have the same name as all the rest of us. She has never cared. She knows she has her dad's name.
Also my older sister grew up with a different name than the rest of us. She had my mom's 1st husband (who wasn't her father)'s last name because that was my mom's last name at the time of her birth. That was a little strange and that would be the case with your DS if you were to get divorced. My sister contemplated changing her name to either her biological father (whom she never met) or my dad (who raised her from 3 years on) but in the end it never mattered to her enough to change it. So she grew up with a last name that was in no way tied to her until she got married.
Given your EX is Active Duty, your son has TRICARE and other military benefits. The military, especially the healthcare, sucks balls when the dependent doesn't have the same last name as the sponsor, especially when you have to go and get new IDcards.
Dont make it harder to get the benenfits your child has earned through having a douch father.
And go after him for C'S, your DS deserves it even if you save it all for college.
^^ All of the above (both quoted posts). When my XH was in the Navy, I gave them a copy of the CO regarding SC for my son (we weren't married at the time) and within 30 days my son had healthcare through him and I was getting my CS direct deposited into my account. BF wasn't fighting it at the time since we were together, but the Navy made it clear that they don't deal with him they go off the CO.
Get a CS order and force the issue. Even if you don't need the money each month, that CS can go into an account for your son for later on. Plus your son will be eligible for all kinds of other benefits (college funding, health insurance, etc).
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His Co's opinion has bearing on the legal department. It's really not hard to get a CS CO. He acknowledges he's the father, or the Court orders a paternity test that needs to be completed within a certain amount of time. The military has to comply. The military will probably even send one of their attorneys with BF to Court to make sure things are done correctly. I'm really not understanding why you have attempted multiple times. Is he not somewhere where he can be found? My understanding is if he's evading service, CO's can be sub-served as well as the guards at the base entrance. So how come it hasn't been done yet?
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The process started last June. He had just gotten back from deployment (he volunteered for deployed to be granted the soldier's and sailor's act, so we couldn't serve him with legal papers) and we attempted to serve him. He could not be served on base (I don't know why, my JAG lawyer told me this) and the address he had given his family was wrong. Papers got sent back to us and we sent again to another address given to me by his friend. Papers finally were served, he showed up to court, judge gave him 3 month extension to finish getting everything settled and to lawyer up. He does not get a lawyer, should have gone into default after that 3 months was up, however when he didn't show up for that court date, the judge gave him another extension. Lawyer sent the paperwork to XH's CO and to the JAG office. Neither of them did anything, for reason's I do not know. Apparently it's totally kosher for him not to pay for his kid. So anywho, we are still in the "judge likes to give extensions because he's in the military" boat, and XH leaves for Germany in 3 days. I've given up most hope. My name is still on his car as well, so if he stops paying for it, I'm screwed. We've been to court multiple times for this as well. He gets 60 days to take my name off, and then doesn't do it and the courts do nothing.
Wow, I'm sorry. Whatever State you're in is ridiculous. In CA I had a dead-beat dad served on base through the guards at the entrance. The Judge was not at all sympathetic to his requests for continuance after continuance. The JAG attorney that showed up on behalf of the dad was cited and sanctions were ordered. It took a total of 4 months to get the CS CO done, and the parties were never married. I guess some States are willing to turn a blind eye and still follow the "boys will be boys" mentality.
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SD has DH's last name (also my last name, DS' last name and will be this baby's last name) her mom has remarried and has a different last name, as well as her 1 yr old. It's a little different for us, because DH is active in SD's life. she knows she has the same last name as me, daddy and her brother and the baby. she is ok with it. There was wording put in the CO when BM and DH got divorced that SD's last name could not be changed until she was 18 no matter what... we knew BM would try to change it when/if she got married, and sure as shiit she made a big stink to SD (who was 4 at the time of the wedding) about how "mommy wouldn't have the same last name as her anymore"...
anyway, no I don't think you should change your child's last name. in our state it is a huge pain in the butt, especially if contested. your child won't feel left out, as long as you explain properly where his last name comes from. he can draw his own conclusions about his father later in life
THIS!
And I do believe the military doesn't play when it comes to CS. It's not difficult at all to get the military to pull CS from BF's check. You need to look into that!
I am not sure what your papers are. But if there is ANYTHING that legally states that he has to pay you, then you can bypass the base and CO and go straight to DFAS. All THEY need is the CO regarding payments and they will start directly taking the money out of his check.
Do not give up. You are just not thinking outside of this small box. If the CO and IG office doesnt help, OR the Judge isnt pushing the issue, contact your Congressman's office. Make it about the process being jumbled, not the servicemember. They will be very happy to help sort out a process issue for you.
And you would be amazed how fast things go when there is a phone call from a congressperson's office.