Conflicted on when/how to tell my mother. WDYD? WWYD?

katharine25 · May 2012

How & when did you tell your mother about this pregnancy? Was it a frank talk or a cute box? I'm just not sure what to do and wondering what others did ....

My mother is my best friend. I tell her EVERYTHING. She has been a gigantic support system through both my losses. I'm her only daughter, and my brother will most likely never have kids. This will (hopefully) be her first grandchild, and possibly only. That being said, I want her to be excited for this pregnancy, and I feel like I robbed her of that the past two times. For my first BFP, she knew minutes after the test as she was visiting me (and days before Dh as he was out of town), and frankly I wasn't jumping with joy over the moon happy. I was incredibly nervous and I could see in her eyes she was excited, but was holding it in. I felt guilty all of my first trimester for not getting excited. The NT scan proved me right though. My second BFP, I called her in tears the following day when my line was getting weaker. Any excitement she could have had was killed in an instant.

I was thinking to wait until 6 weeks when I'll have my first ultrasound, but I (and now she) am well aware that means diddly squat. I want to tell her now, but I know that will come with reserved excitement. I could wait until 2nd trimester or so, when chances are better and we've made it past my milestone, but I worry she'd be hurt by keeping such a big secret from her. Any opinions?

Ladiebug710 · May 2012

I told her at 7 weeks after my first ultrasound, it was over the phone without much fanfare, I figured the news was exciting enough.

mijakach · May 2012

It really all depends on when you feel comfortable. With my first two pregnancies, the plan was to wait until after we saw the heartbeat for the first time. Since we never got to that stage, my parents didn't find out until I had already had a m/c.

With this one, we had the same plan. I needed my parents support, but I also didn't want to get them too excited until we at least saw a heartbeat. We saw the heartbeat for the first time at 6w4d, and we told them right after the u/s. Because of my history, they knew to be cautiously excited. If I had to do it again, I would have done the same thing by waiting until after that first u/s. I'm so glad they've known ever since then because I can talk to them about how excited/scared I am. And I have my mom to accompany me to every appointment that DH can't make. They have the same emotions as me towards this pregnancy and become more and more confident after each successful u/s.

WearingRed · May 2012

My mom guessed when I had her watch Em while I had blood work done. The conversion went like this. "i had to get blood work done" "blood work for what" "i need to check on my hormone levels and stuff" "are we (still bugs me she uses we) expecting again?""well yes but I am not sure if things are going as they should yet" "did you hear that em you are going to have a little brother or sister" "MOM we aren't sure of this pregnancy yet which is why we are getting extra blood work done please don't tell my 2 year old to get excited when I can't be yet. I don't want to explain what happen if the worse happens." " oh so I guess you want me to not tell your brother yet then too." "yes please keep this to your self for a few weeks. I will let you know when we are ready to talk about it."...... So yeah stole my moms excitement and told her to keep her it to her self for a month before we told family.

MandaS08 · May 2012

I had to tell my parents a few days after we found out. We were supposed to be starting an IVF cycle, so I had to explain why we weren't.

Honestly I could go through my entire first trimester without anyone knowing, but since we were doing fertility treatments everyone knows we were trying and is constantly asking, so I am assuming we'll have to tell people sooner than later.

Mrs Carbo · May 2012

DH and I are close with both sides of the family but initially wanted to wait until we had a good U/S to tell them. We knew how nervous we felt during that wait, and we didn't want our parents to be nervous too.

But... during that wait we took a trip to Boston with my side, and I've never in my life turned down a glass of wine. Our immediate families both knew we were TTC and I'm sure everyone was watching me like a hawk. We had good betas at that point (which we didn't with the first pg) so we decided to tell them.

In the end they're family and they would want to support us good or bad. We're glad we told them because they are able to share our excitement early. We will definitely be waiting until 2nd tri to tell extended family and friends.

If you're that close with your Mom, I say go for it. She will want to support you no matter what and today you are pregnant, and can both love your baby.

Petunia844 · May 2012

The way I told my mom this time was not what I meant to do... I was having a total meltdown day at home, missing my baby and terrified I was pregnant again, I called DH and said "I just need to talk to my mom" so I went to her house and just dissolved into tears. She asked was wrong and I said "I'm pregnant" through sobs. She said "...and you're terrified?" We talked for a long time and by the time I left I was feeling so much better... we did have some time to be excited about it... but I just needed to talk to her. It's not how I meant it to be, but as we all know pregnancy is not always P&R and sometimes you just need to be able to say how you really feel. My point is, I totally understand wanting to give your mom that excited news, but she's you're mom...she knows you're scared and that's ok too.

katharine25 · May 2012

WearingRed:
My mom guessed when I had her watch Em while I had blood work done. The conversion went like this. "i had to get blood work done" "blood work for what" "i need to check on my hormone levels and stuff" "are we (still bugs me she uses we) expecting again?""well yes but I am not sure if things are going as they should yet" "did you hear that em you are going to have a little brother or sister" "MOM we aren't sure of this pregnancy yet which is why we are getting extra blood work done please don't tell my 2 year old to get excited when I can't be yet. I don't want to explain what happen if the worse happens." " oh so I guess you want me to not tell your brother yet then too." "yes please keep this to your self for a few weeks. I will let you know when we are ready to talk about it."...... So yeah stole my moms excitement and told her to keep her it to her self for a month before we told family.

This makes me giggle. My mom has a big mouth too..........

bklynbmp · May 2012

If my mother was my best friend, I would tell her right away.

katharine25 · May 2012

Mrs Carbo:
I've never in my life turned down a glass of wine. Our immediate families both knew we were TTC and I'm sure everyone was watching me like a hawk

This is me. I'm thinking of not going to a family gathering/graduation because I really don't want my gaggle of aunts and everyone's chicken to know...

FreyaWin2382 · May 2012

First of all, big (((HUGS))) to you lady. Even though this is a cause of celebration, I know how much it can hurt to be thinking about just how much loss has cost us....such as your excitement and that "ultrasounds don't mean anything" waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling.

I struggled with how to tell my mom too. With my first pregnancy, I was worried, but was super excited and told her right away. The second time, I waited until I was 6 weeks and then told her....but I was so scared, crying, that she didn't really get to be happy. This time I waited until after my first ultrasound (last week) and then handed her the ultrasound photo. Even though it is still early, she was so happy and burst into tears.

I think that you should tell your mom sooner rather then later. It sounds like you are really close, and if something went wrong, you would want her there. Keep reminding yourself that you deserve to celebrate this pregnancy and don't rob yourself of that happiness by trying to damper it by "what ifs". One of the biggest things I regret with my second pregnancy was that I didn't celebrate it at all...I cried in fear when I got that BFP and worried every single day....and I lost the baby anyhow. So this time, I got my DH a card, threw a smile on my face and have been trying to be happy every day that today, regardless of what the outcome might me, I am pregnant and love this baby. I know that you have been there, and it is hard, but you deserve so much to be happy about this pregnancy and to celebrate that.

tetiananina · May 2012

I was trying to wait til Mother's Day to tell my Mom, I would have been 9w but My best friend, SIL and Mom did the March of Dimes walk. My Mom started asking my Best Friend questions and when she did that I had to tell her. I am her only Daughter and she has helped me through my losses. I had already seen the baby twice and heart beats both times so I told her. I was going weekly. She's excited but I haven't told my Dad and finally just told my Grandma at 10w because I was trying to explain that she was coming to see me for Christmas (They live in California and I am in Texas) so I finally had to tell her. I told my Mom she can't say anything else til after First Trimester.

melly918 · May 2012

I would just go with your gut feeling. I was not planning to tell my parents the day I did tell them. My mom just appeared so down in the dumps about things not related to me so I just went out with it and she really brightened up. I also needed her to babysit DS when we go for the 12w u/s and I could not come up with a realistic excuse why DH would have to go somewhere with me.

mrsgaines100 · May 2012

Since you are so close, I'd say tell her as soon as you want and lean on her for support. She wants to be there for you, and anyways, YOU ARE TAKING THIS BABY HOME so let her be excited, damnit!!

Mrs.DeliaMarieP · May 2012

I told my mom at 5.5 weeks because I was going to be spending the weekend with her at my aunt's house and she would have known instantly when I didn't have any wine or other beverages.

I was pretty frank about it, and made it obvious that I wasn't in the over the moon excited phase, more in the deathly afraid phase. She has been asking me how I'm feeling, but no one has been doing any jumping up and down yet.

I wouldn't keep the secret from her, because even if it's a CP, or another missed mc, I'm going to tell her, so I figured I would let her be a little excited for me, even if it's just cautiously.

ToiKenne · May 2012

I told my mom at 8w3 or 4d. She was coming over for dinner that night so we told her then. Of course she said she already "knew." haha.

Conflicted on when/how to tell my mother. WDYD? WWYD?

Re: Conflicted on when/how to tell my mother. WDYD? WWYD?

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