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February 2012 Moms
sparks2987
member
trouble in paradise since baby was born? long
sparks2987
member
okay so let me be clear I never for a second would trade DD for ANYTHING.
However having a baby has completely changed the dynamics of our marriage, we knew it would and it did.
We are having trouble balancing being wife/husband and mom/dad. In order for things to work for us, DH and I almost are working weird schedules, He works an alternating schedule, off every other weekend and off 3-4 days a week. On days that we both work it is caos getting everything done and ready for the next day, we hardly get a second to talk about our days, one of us tending to DD while the other does dinner, laundry, dishes ect. DH doesnt get home until 8 somenights when he works. On days DH is off he keeps DD, by the time I get home from work he is exhausted and needs a break. ( I understand that) So I tend to DD while he unwinds, then it is dinner, clean up, bath, bed. DH has been working alot more since DD was born and we need the money (I love him for that but it doesnt help our relationship), So if we are lucky we get 1-2 days where we are both off a month.
We exhaust all baby sitting options while we both work and so we cant have time without DD, we dont have parents who are capable of taking care of DD. We have tried date nights with DD but in reality we spend more time taking care of DD while we are out than really getting any worth out of the date...and I kinda feel like a zombie on repeat these days.
to jump right to the point, we are both exhausted and I miss DH and our relationship. We are working on making time for each other as we know how important it is, but we havent figured it out yet and it is wearing on me
My relationships with friends are struggling too, they dont really understand the no babysitter thing, All my friends with kids have great parents who are willing to take their kids so they can have time to themselves...sadly for our situation we dont have that option, and we exhaust all baby sitting options while we work.
Anyone else struggling with this?
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Re: trouble in paradise since baby was born? long
I was just talking to my friend about the relationship between DH and me (or lack there of right now). I feel like we are just roomates, even though he almost always wants to do other stuff. We do have a date night tonight to see "What to Expect When You're Expecting", but I just don't want to go. I really want to see the movie, but I HATE going out during the week. We both work full time jobs, and when we get home, it's time to get ready for the next day. Ditto to one of us taking care of DS while the other does dinner, dishes, laundry, etc.
Yesterday was a terrible day for me, and I was just feeling down all night. All I wanted to do was snuggle with DS. I may have even said that to DH, and I think he understands, but is sad b/c he is the one that I used to snuggle with on those days.
I've never felt this disconnected from DH, and it makes me want to cry just thinking about it. My mom watches DS while I work, so I don't feel like I can ask her any other time. DH's mom usually comes over once a week or so to let us go to dinner, but she is moving out of state next month. Tonight is the first time we are actually having a sitter that we're paying, and I'm nervous about it. So, I know we have family to help, and I can't relate to that aspect; I do relate to the distance from DH right now. I hope we both are able to get past this point. Good luck with everything.
We were dealing with some of that. We don't have any family who can watch DD nearby right now so it's all on us and we aren't comfortable leaving her with a stranger yet. I had never felt so disconnect from DH in our whole relationship and it was scary.
It's not perfect now, but one thing made it much better: I told him how I felt. I don't know why I hadn't thought of it before but I just kept trying to wait it out or for him for figure it out. Things came to a head on Mother's Day when I actually made him cry (only the second time I've ever seen him cry!) because I was so moody--ok mean--to him when he was trying to make it such a special day (Ugh I still feel awful about that). But when I was trying to explain my funky mood I mentioned that I felt very distant from him since LO arrive and he told me he had no idea. I honestly don't know if either of us has changed anything since having that convo- but just knowing we were on the same page and were able to turn to one another with our feelings has made a huge difference and I don't feel very distant anymore.
DD #1: 2012; MMC: 2014; DD #2: 2015; It's a boy! 3/31/2018
Yes. DH moved out of state for a job while I was pregnant (October). We went from never having more than a week apart in 5 years to 6 months apart. He missed the birth of DS. I had an emergency c-section, so I had to stay in the other state for 6 weeks. He was allowed off work for 2 weeks. I was with DS for a month alone (some help from ILs).
LO and I joined DH in March. The first two weeks here, we fought all. the. time. We never used to fight. I am currently at home but looking for work here. DH barely has time off. We don't have any friends or family here. I didn't have a break at all from DS for 6 weeks. DH watched DS for 3 hours the day before mother's day- their first home alone time together (and LO was over 3 months old!). Mother's Day was the only day that DH and I got to see eachother and just hang out. We have not had any alone time since LO was born and I don't know when we will.
The past two weeks (and until who knows when), DH is working 130 hours a week! I am lucky if I see him half an hour a day and I get zero help with DS. I feel like we barely have a relationship and I feel insecure and lonely. I am feeling a little resentful and am scared how I will feel when I have to start working full time and have all the responsibility for DS too.
My circumstances are slightly different. We have babysitting options but I am nursing (no pump) and so I can't leave. DD is starting her stranger danger phase too and often will cry for anyone but DH or me. DH doesn't work all of the time but has to study for his upcoming Russian test all of the time.
Plus planning for this move is mind boggling at best...
So all of the above. Totally. 100%. I think we just need to hang in there. Find a little connection when we can. I try by ALWAYS asking for a kiss goodbye and hello. It is a little thing but it helps. And we exchange obnoxiously sweet texts throughout the day. If that is all we get - at least it is something.
My family is a Foreign Service family. Families like mine are posted in every corner of the globe. We live our lives away from family, friends and the conviences and comforts of home. We often live and work in dangerous places among those that misunderstand our intentions and purposes. Sometimes members of our ranks sacrifice our lives to further diplomacy. Please remember that we serve too. And I'm always open to questions.
Would it be possible to hire a babysitter once a month or every other month? Even if money is tight I'd try really hard to find the funds to help out your marriage (and your sanity!). SitterCity.com has lots of people listed in different price ranges, or you could try calling your local youth center.
From what we've experienced so far, the older they get the easier it gets. For us, even the change from 3 months to now is like night and day. They go to bed by 7-8, so H and I get a few hours to ourselves before we go to bed, are up once at night and that's it, so sleep isn't too bad. The first few months were purely survival mode for us - ate and slept when we could and took things in shifts for a long time (he had 12 weeks off too) so we didn't see each other much. H has always been a completely equal partner in terms of child care, but since there were two it was still overwhelming for a while. Hopefully you'll experience the same thing and it will get easier as your LO gets older, but you still need time alone with your H.
As far as your friends go, how late does your H work at night? What I've done is started going out after the girls go to bed. Sure, it makes for a late night every once in a while, but then I get some time away from home and with my girlfriends. And if they come to me I'm usually home by 9 or 10, which isn't bad at all. One of my girlfriend's had a birthday on Tuesday and she's coming over tonight, she'll see the girls while we feed them and get them ready for bed, and then she and I are going out to dinner.
I feel for you not living near family. I would LOVE to move out of the state we're in now but we're spoiled and don't want to move away from our parents.