being undermined at every turn today and i'm about ready to scream
It might be hormones but I'm just done with my family after today locking myself in my bedroom and my fiance can sleep on the couch or what ever.
First we have guest from over seas visiting as things are gearing up for the wedding and so today my fiance's three sisters arrived from Ireland which was wonderful and I was really enjoying our lunch when my brother called my fiance and not me about getting in trouble. He only did this because he knew that he'd get away with it if it was with my fiance. They did a good old boy kinda talk and that was that. (he was caught with a girl in the gym during his lunch period.) I would of handled it very differently but we want to be on the same page with things so i let it go, it could of been worse he isn't being kicked out and as my brother put it at least he's making friends. He's had a rough couple years and I can let it go.
Then dinner time rolls around, it was supposed to be the whole family, all nine of us. But SS15 decided that he didn't feel well, and couldn't possibly eat with us. I said he had to at least come sit because his aunts had flown so very far and it would be rude. He asked his father and got out of it and even allowed to go lay and read books in our bed and sleep in there tonight. That is his ultimate favorite thing. He would sleep with us every single night if we let him. We worked hard to break this habit and I objected to this and got "But he's sick and really will sleep better, he needs the rest." Again i looked like the horrid witch for saying no to something.
The final straw came about twenty minutes ago when I was already tucked into bed (i threw an old fashion hissy fit until my fiance agreed to not have him share out bed tonight) and ss15 texts me... doesn't come talk to me but texts me to tell me he's hungry and wants a grilled cheese. I told him i'd heat up some left overs if he wanted dinner but i would not make a grilled cheese...
Well he's getting his grilled cheese and my fiance can sleep on the couch I'm going to spread out and take up the whole bed tonight just me and my fluttery babies.
Re: being undermined at every turn today and i'm about ready to scream
I have no idea what to say other than HOLY CRAP YOUR FI LETS A 15 YEAR OLD SLEEP IN YOUR BED! With you?! In no way can that be appropriate.
The way he justifies it is that ss because of his special needs is much more like a younger child. Emotionally and cognitively. He is more on par with most seven or eight year olds. It makes life very challenging. When I moved in though we broke the habit and he was doing very well on sleeping in his own room but he still tries to talk his way back into what he wants.
I've made it very clear (and restated tonight) that if SS is sleeping in the bed then I will not be. It makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable. I also told him tonight that as soon as the babies come the bed will be my space and theirs, if SS needs someone to sleep with I will not be displaced my fiance can go sit in SS's room with him if he needs.
holy crap. your FI undermines you and your authority and it sounds to me like he doesn't even respect your opinion.
yes, your SS is special needs, and doesn't feel well, but you and your FI should be on the same page. yes it makes you look (and feel) like the witch when you say no and he gives in, but he is also (IMO) babying SS to an extreme. I'm not sure what sort of special needs he is, but even at 7 or 8 yrs old he should have been seated at the table with you guys for dinner, he should NOT be sleeping in your bed.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
I feel like sometimes I moved in and disrupted things, like I made him have to share his dad so I'm okay with sometimes giving up my spot in bed for them to have some time. Like you with your son while your DH is out of town.
I agree with you that he is babying him in this instance, often he can be almost too tough on the boys and it is me that reminds me to use a more gentle hand. Honey works better then vinegar and all that but in this case it's much too much. He is imo totally oblivious to the fact that SS is playing us to get what he wants in the end. He'll see though when he's better and tries to pull the dinner thing again. I know him well enough by now to know seeing it worked once he'll try it again and I'll be there to tell my FI "i told you so" (not super mature on my part but sometimes you have to sink down a bit.)
I'm very well aware that he is manipulating but FI doesn't seem to see it. Which makes me feel like the bad guy for pointing out. But I think he's going to start seeing it when he tries to pull this move again and again once the ear infection is gone. and NO i did not make the grilled cheese, i would of heated up the left overs if he'd wanted them but there was no way I was going to cook another whole meal. I mentioned to him too, when we finally sat down and talked last night that I worried this would continue even after the babies came and he assured me it was just because SS was sick. So we'll see how it goes, he did eat the breakfast and lunch i made today so can't claim he's being starved to death.
I don't believe that a few bumps along the way means that the whole marriage will be like this. It's pretty new all of us living together and so there is a lot to iron out. I know he won't change completely after we're married but every relationship takes time and work.