Who goes to your ultrasounds? (Need Advice!)

daniellerm23 · May 2012

Ladies, I need advice on something!

I love my mother to death and am more than happy to have her involved in my pregnancy, I will just get that out in the open. She has been talking a LOT lately about how she wants to go to my next appointment, which is the ultrasound, and I will be finding out the sex of the baby. She came to my last appointment and that's when she first brought it up. My SO will also definitely be there with me.

The thing is.... I don't really want my mom to come. I kind of want this to just be between me and my SO, and something I do and accomplish on my own. It's not that I don't want her involved in any of it, or that I won't share with her the news right away... it will just be more comfortable for both of us if she isn't there.

Is this selfish of me? I am nervous to tell her and make her upset. Have any of you been through this/who do you bring with you to your appointments or ultrasounds? Would you bring your mother if she wanted to come?

TIA!

IdahoLakeLady · May 2012

I'm of the opinion that it's better to set boundaries early and often. If you and your SO want to attend the ultrasound without your mom, then tell her so. Be straightforward about it, and not mean, but firm.

My DH is the only person invited to the ultrasounds and the birth (other than the obvious medical staff). It's a highly personal moment for us, and we have no qualms about being selfish with it.

sutherlandjn · May 2012

I agree with PP... set boundaries now! My DH is the only one who goes to mine. I'm sure she will understand if you just say that you would like it to be something that just you and your DH share together. You have to decide what works for you, your DH and your child. No one else has to be involved unless you want them to be.

LuckyMissus · May 2012

My friend told her mom the dr. wouldn't allow anyone but the father in the room. That worked!

My mom is coming to mine, I'm fine with her being there though.

Maybe a compromise would be for her to take you to get an elective done at some point?

maven212 · May 2012

It isn't selfish of you at all. You shouldn't feel guilty. This is really a question of your comfort, the needs of the technician and the shared desires you and your partner have. I'm sure my husband would love for his mother to be there, but she already has issues with boundaries so there is no way either one of us would permit her in the room.

I'm now warming up to the idea of my mother, who is much more respectful of what is private and what is public than my MIL, attending ultrasounds - but I'm just sort of coming around to it. I wouldn't have wanted anyone there during the first couple - and certainly not the transvaginal ones. In fact, my spouse has been to only about half of my u/s.

I think most mothers and MILs mean to help us when they are doing the things that bother us. I'm sure your mother will understand when you say you want to do your a/s privately - it's a long scan time, and it can be very personal. You have many other ultrasounds in your future. If you want you can also kick this can down the road.

LollyBug18 · May 2012

LuckyMissus:

Maybe a compromise would be for her to take you to get an elective done at some point?

I like that idea. It sounds like you and your mom are close so you should be able to be honest with her w/o her getting upset. She's probably just really excited and doesn't know how you feel. I'm not close at all with my MIL but she was understanding when I told her I just wanted it to be DH and I for a couple weeks after DD was born so we could have that time to get used to being a family of three on our own. Now is when you guys get to really start establishing your family unit and demonstrating that to the people around you. GL, I'm sure it'll go just fine!

ExcitedMum2B · May 2012

My husband is the only person that will go to my appointments with me, and will be the only person in the room when I give birth, other than the midwife/doctor/whoever is medically needed.

I get that parents are excited for their first grandchild, and want to be involved, but there's something special about just sharing it with my husband. Maybe if you think she will be hurt, tell her she can come to the doctor's office but cannot come in the room? That way she can still be the first to know, outside of you and your husband but that moment of hearing the words "it's a ......" will only be shared between you two?

XIrishPrincessX · May 2012

I would just be honest with her. Explain to her that you would love to have her involved lots but that this one moment you want to be special between you and your SO. Hopefully she takes it okay and even if she gets a little upset hopefully the news of finding out the baby's sex will make up for it.

For my appointments i would love if it was just my SO and I but my SS is special needs and it really helps with his attachment to the babies if he gets to come with me. So I've decided if there is going to be a show anyways my next appointment at 16 weeks will be my two step sons and my brother and my SO of course too. We'll have more family in town for our wedding then but i've drawn the line at anyone else.

pb_bride · May 2012

I don't think you're selfish. Your situation doesn't apply to me as my mom lives 1500 miles away and I doubt she'd want to come anyway even if she lived close by. DH is the only person who comes to my U/S, and I normally go to the regular appts by myself.

TBH, the U/S rooms are so tight that I can't imagine having more than one other person in there. I just had my a/s and there is only 1 chair for the "guest". If you don't want to hurt your mom's feelings, just tell her that it's the office policy that you can only bring one person with you (which is true in many practice)!

Kadie331 · May 2012

I would just tell her you want that special moment to just be the two of you. My mom only went to 1 of my regular appts with DS. Any other time it was just DH and I or I would go alone.

With DS my mom was going to be in the room when he was born and she always said "you might end up changing your mind and it will hurt my feelings and i'll probably cry but it's your choice and I respect that." I loved that. I ended up with a c/s so obviously she wasn't in the room. She made it clear that it IS my choice and if I wanted her to be there for anything she was more than happy to be there. She never made me feel obligated to invite her.

So I guess what I'm saying is I would only bring my mom if both DH &I wanted her to be there. Not just because she wanted to go.

techg0ddess · May 2012

Usually my hubby is the only one that comes with me to my DR appointments but I did invite my mom to go the Anatomy scan with us. I just want her to feel somewhat involved since more the likely she won't be in L&D with us and don't see any point in her coming with me to the other appointments since hubby can make them.

I agree with the pp though. It sounds like you have a good relationship with her so just explain what you said here, that you wanted it to be something special for the two of you. Hopefully she'll understand that and there are plenty other appointments for her to go to. Or maybe later you can do a 3d ultrasound from a private party (if you have them in your area) and have her go to that with you so she can see the baby before it's born too. I'm sure part of the reason she wants to go is to see her grandchild in action so maybe if you do plan on doing the elective ultrasound she'll be fine with that:).

Mrs.Kidd · May 2012

My DH has only been to 2 of my 4 appointments so far (I get u/s at all of them). My Mom has been to the other 2 with me. I have her go with me if DH isn't around to go with me. This next appointment we hopefully are finding out what we are having. Mom knows she isn't going and her only request was a phone call and text of the picture as soon as we are done. I like the idea of the elective u/s and have her go with you. That might make her happy. Good luck!!

chpswife · May 2012

IdahoLakeLady:
I'm of the opinion that it's better to set boundaries early and often. If you and your SO want to attend the ultrasound without your mom, then tell her so. Be straightforward about it, and not mean, but firm.
My DH is the only person invited to the ultrasounds and the birth (other than the obvious medical staff). It's a highly personal moment for us, and we have no qualms about being selfish with it.

I agree here.......set boundaries now..... With DD I didn't want my mom in delivery but she stayed then kinda "forced" her way into my c section where again I didn't want her. After DD was born my mom was no help when I got home......I am not close with her like we should be.....we are too different but in your situation you should keep it to what you and your DH want. It is your baby.....

WannaBMommy81 · May 2012

IMO it is completely up to you. I feel like this is between DH and I so first time around he was the only one at any of my appts or u/s. This time around my 4 yr old has been to a few appts and also my 8wk u/s (we told her the night before about being a big sister.) DH was also the only one in the L&D room. Heck we didn't even tell anyone I was in labor until a couple hours after having her

This time around I will have to call my Mom so she can come and watch DD.

dentom · May 2012

Well guess I am the minority here but my mom went to all of my appointments with DS. DH and mom went to some of them when DH didn't have to work. I moved since DS so I go alone to the dr app. I sure do miss my mom going with me. I made us a lot closer then we already were. I hate going alone to my dr app.

clock84 · May 2012

Our families don't live locally so I don't have this problem, however I agree set boundaries early. I will only let DH come with me, if anyone. Every other appt is just to make sure my bp and weight etc are good no u/s so he isn not needed. L&D will be just my mom (DH will be deployed) BUT nooone and I mean noone even MIL will be allowed to see baby (of course except mom who will be there) until we can skype with DH. No matter if its hours or days..I think the whole thing should be special between DH and I and that's the only way I can do that.

daniellerm23 · May 2012

Wow, thanks for all of these great responses! I was worried I was being selfish and might hurt her feelings... but thanks for all of the support, so much appreciated!

tamaratoday · May 2012

No, you're not being selfish at all. But I totally get your worry about upsetting your mom. If she's anything like mine, she's over the moon about the baby and just wants to be involved. I personally wouldn't mind my mom coming to an ultrasound but since you're not cool with it. I'd probably take the other posters advice and put the blame on my doc by saying only DH was allowed in. I like the idea about taking her to an elective ultrasound as well, it might smooth things over. Good luck!

megs2011 · May 2012

I would only bring my mom if DH couldn't come. This is our special time and my mom gets that. I am going to have quite a few u/s and DH won't be going to them all so I will probably take her to one of the growth ones later on. If she wants to go see an u/s that badly then tell her to get your a 3D u/s as a present Stick out tongue

then you can invite a bunch of people to see.

sabrescinderella · May 2012

It's not selfish, everyone has their own boundaries that you need to set now, esp before LO comes. My mom and I are very close and she has come with me to a lot since my husband travels for work so I don't mind her coming.

zockrockwife · May 2012

I don't think it's selfish. Having a baby is something that's special between you and DH/SO, so it should and is up to you on who is invited to what appointment and invited to the birth. I have both sides of this...my family says: "If you don't want anyone other than DH there, we won't be upset." Whereas, my MIL is completely opposite. She almost expects us to invite her to all of our appointments. She started in with that for the NT scan, and while I may have come across rude, I told her it would just be DH and I at the appointment and any further appointments I would let her know if we wanted anyone else there. Boundaries are a must...but I really don't think it's selfish...it's something between you and SO.

FloridaLady · May 2012

I only allow my DH to come to any appointments with me -- this is his child, not either of our parents' and they all need to understand that boundary. Our gender determination is in two weeks and it will only be me and DH in the room with the sonographer so we can share that moment just between us.

We're having a 3d ultrasound later in pregnancy and I'll likely invite the grandparents to that, but it will be after we have seen the baby ourselves alone. I fall firmly in the 'nobody but DH and I were in the room when the baby was made so nobody should be in the room for the other milestones like first ultrasound and birth' camp. It's great to share your pregnancy with people and I'm glad our families are taking an interest in it but I consider this a special time for me and DH to share between us, and invite others in as we see fit - and I make no apologies for that.

mandilouwho · May 2012

I don't think its selfish if you want it to be just you and him thats fine. My Dr has a separate area just outside the room that has a TV and you can bring extra ppl if you want them to be there. My whole family came with my sister and we'll be doing this again with mine but they won't be in the actual room.

Jeanneplusone · June 2012

Just tell her that as much as you love how excited she is, that you need some mommy/daddy bonding in moments that are just for you. Maybe you can promise to tell her first before other family and friends.

Want a personalized experience?

Who goes to your ultrasounds? (Need Advice!)

Re: Who goes to your ultrasounds? (Need Advice!)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards