Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

What to do when you & DH grieve differently?

It's been 2 days since our loss. For the most part, I think I'm in the denial stage of grief. I've cried once or twice for a minute, but it really hasn't sunk in. I feel like I want to go back in time and not get pregnant so I wouldn't have to deal with this. I want to socialize and make my life as normal as possible so I don't fall into a depression. I want my extended family to act normal. I don't want their sympathetic looks, I don't want them to have to tip-toe around me in their conversations. I want to grieve by myself, on my own time, in my own way. I'm sure at some point soon I will go through a depressed stage, but when I'm at that point, I will need DH to be strong and comforting. At this point, he's just not capable of that.

DH took the loss really hard. He is very grumpy, depressed, anti-social. He cries a lot. He wants to talk about the baby. He says he will hate himself if he ever gets to the "acceptance" stage. He keeps saying that he's afraid he'll forget. He's very sensitive about everything people say. He doesn't want people to act like everything is okay, because it's not.

I think both ways of grieving are perfectly acceptable, but they kind of clash. It's really hard to balance what we do, where we go, who we talk to when we both need such different things to cope. And I know I will eventually need him to be a rock for me, but I don't see him ever getting to that point again. I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any experience in this? 

Anneliese Olive 11/5/09
Hazel Dianna 1/8/11
Luna Valentine 4/25/13


Re: What to do when you & DH grieve differently?

  • Both of your reactions do seem normal. I think your husband might benefit from writing down his feelings so he never does forget. I've been doing that myself and it's been really helpful. I know whenever we do "move on" from this that I'll want to be able to look back and remember the pain of losing our first little one. I know that sounds weird but I never want to forget... so I've been pretty detailed in my pain and now I can go back and relive it if I want to but right now it's just "released"... that being said - I'm super super sad.

    I was really in denial about 2 days after too. I actually couldn't even cry because of medication that was given during my D&C. I thought I'd never feel sad. I can't say how you will feel for sure but I'm pretty sure that you'll feel the pain again and you'll probably want to cry.

    Since you both are going through different ways of managing your grief, I just hope that you can still find a way to connect... cuddle or whatever. Miscarriage is hard on families and marriages. Don't let your husband feel like his way of dealing with pain is wrong (it doesn't seem like you're doing that anyways).

    I'm sorry for your loss.

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    BFP 1 - March 26, 2012, MMC discovered May 21, 2012
    BFP 2 - October 30, 2012, Rainbow Baby Boy born July 14, 2013
    TTC no sooner than November 2014
  • Thanks for your response. I told DH about writing down his feelings so he wouldn't forget, he seemed to think it was a good idea. Thanks again.  
    Anneliese Olive 11/5/09
    Hazel Dianna 1/8/11
    Luna Valentine 4/25/13


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  • Glad I could help. Also it may help for him to connect with other people who are sharing his pain by going through their own experiences. I just linked to my blog in my signature. Tell your husband if he'd like to read it he's more than welcome. And if he'd like to share his story with anyone on here I know I would be open to reading about it.

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    BFP 1 - March 26, 2012, MMC discovered May 21, 2012
    BFP 2 - October 30, 2012, Rainbow Baby Boy born July 14, 2013
    TTC no sooner than November 2014
  • I am sorry you are going through this.  DH and I grieved so differently, that we got into a HUGE fit the night before my d&c.

    I think the idea of writing down feelings is a good idea. 

     

  • This is me and my DH to a tee however I've been grieving more like your DH and my DH has been grieving more like yourself.

    He's definitely been super suportive and there for me this past few weeks but yesterday we had a huge fight over his frustration with my emotions and me not thinking he was being sensitive enough to how im feeling. After the fight we ended up having a big talk and we both explained how were dealing from our own perspectives and it was good to get everything out on the table. There had been a big build up so we just needed to both vent and in the end walked away with a real understanding of each others way of grieving and what we need from each other moving forward.

    I think a big heart to heart talk to your DH would help. Its important he knows how your feeling. I know me being down and crying all the time had really gotten to my DH and he was having a hard time dealing with my emotions. In the end we talked about how I can learn to deal with our loss better and decided I will go for councelling and massage to help. DH agreed he would be more sensitive to my grieving.

    Anyway it was good to get on the same page. Good luck, I hope my experience helps you somewhat.

    image

    BFP#1 D&C May 18th 2012 at 9 wks. EDD Dec 17 2012
    BFP#2 CP Sept 17th 2012 at 4.5 wks. EDD May 23 2013
    BFP#3 EDD June 24th 2013 IT'S A GIRL!
    BFP#4 EDD March 2 2015
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  • We began our grief process last week after our blighted ovum was confirmed on Monday and on Tuesday night, we luckily were out of town on business and staying in a hotel.  DH and I took a walk and talked about how we grieve and came to a better understanding of each other and how we can support one another and what each other needs etc.  It was great to talk it out and now that the miscarriage has begun and the grief sets in even more, we know where each other is emotionally nad are able to be there for each other in the way that we each need.....
    BFP #1= DD, We've been TTC DC #2 since 8/11. BFP #2 on 4/18/12, BO confirmed on 5/21/12, natural mc 0n 6/1/12. BFP #3 on 10/11/12.... Lilypie Pregnancy tickers Daisypath Anniversary tickers Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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