Mother in law child care

lilmejo · May 2012

So DH and I have been thinking about taking LO out of the current daycare setting he is in and having DH mother watch him 4 days a week. We've been noticing recently that our LO seems to be falling a bit behind in some things. He is in an at home daycare recommended by a lot of people, but I don't feel like he's getting the attention and play he needs to grow and thrive. She has quite a few kids and he spends a lot of his time in a saucer because with older kids running around there isn't much floor time. We originally decided against DH mother because we felt that she would do whatever she wanted despite what we said, she is very nosy and would be involved in our lives too much. She is rude can be very hurtful and we didn't want that around our LO. However, we are now looking at the lesser of two evils and while I don't care for my MIL, I feel that she may be the best fit for him. My main concern is despite my objections DH would like to pay her and as such I feel that she should be considered an employee and therefore follow certain guidelines we set forth. Has anyone had experience in this and can help us figure out how to go about setting up this arrangement?

SilliRy · May 2012

Given what you've said about your MIL, I would not at all consider her. Yes, you can think about her as an employee if you're paying her...but at the end of the day, she's still the grandma and is probably not going to do what you'd like just because you are paying her. I think you're just setting yourselves up for huge family trouble.

Is there no middle ground? Can your LO go to another daycare? Have you looked at centers? Can you talk to your provider about the amount of time LO stays in the saucer and what she is doing to ensure he is getting enough interaction each day?

I think based on your ticker that your LO is about 9-10 months...is that right? Obviously you have to go with your instinct, but I'm not sure what your LO could be doing/not doing at that age that would make you think your LO is falling behind. Again--there may be something totally valid that I'm not thinking about, but there's such a range of developmental milestones.

My DD goes to a center. It's been a great experience for her. Yes, when she was in the infant room she spent a fair amount of time in a bouncy chair when she was younger, but I know she also learned a lot from watching the older babies crawl and then walk.

salesmom · May 2012

Maybe paying her like an employee and signing a written nanny contract with rules and such will keep your MIL more in line. Let her know if she doesn't sign anything, she won't get paid! Good luck!

EastCoastBride · May 2012

I see nothing in your post to convince me your MIL is the "lesser of two evils". From what you describe, NO WAY would I use her as daycare. NO WAY. You are playing a dangerous game there.

Are there NO other options? I have a hard time believing there are no other daycares you can look into.

Cooper81 · May 2012

I would look into a center, a center where kids are grouped according to age. They do more age appropriate activities and there isn't the fear of a 5 year old running over or accidentally hurthing a 1 year old. From what you've described I wouldn't feel comfortable having someone (in your case your MIL) caring for my child that did not respect the choices I've made for raising my child. And you can treat her like an employee, write up a contract, but at the end of the day it is her alone with your LO and she will do as she likes.

lilmejo · May 2012

we've looked into daycare centers and the price was just too much for us to afford. I would have loved to send him to a regular daycare (my sister is employed at one) but financially we just couldnt do it. We've looked into other in home sitters or nanny coming to the house and they were either too expensive or we just couldnt trust them (no personal references). Someone at work just said her FIL watches her two boys and he never does anything she says and it drives her crazy, but she knows they love him and in the end he is the best for them. I feel right now that is how I would feel. And what is causing us to have these feelings about our current sitter is when we are home with him and work with him on things (he just learned to sit about a week ago) and play with him his overall disposition changes, she sometimes cant remember when he ate last, we've asked her to write it down, she doesnt, I just feel in general like he's just another kid and not getting what he needs from her. Where as MIL when she does babysit for nights out and such, is very detailed, always plays with him, he nver just sits there, you know. I dont know, maybe its just me feeling bad about working and this whole thing in general.

itsmevkb · May 2012

For me, the line between MIL/Employee/Grandmother is just too blurry. And, if you already know she's rude and hurtful I'm not sure she's really the best person to care for your child. To me, you are just asking for more problems.

Can you find an in-home situation with less children?

itsmevkb · May 2012

lilmejo:
we've looked into daycare centers and the price was just too much for us to afford. I would have loved to send him to a regular daycare (my sister is employed at one) but financially we just couldnt do it. We've looked into other in home sitters or nanny coming to the house and they were either too expensive or we just couldnt trust them (no personal references). Someone at work just said her FIL watches her two boys and he never does anything she says and it drives her crazy, but she knows they love him and in the end he is the best for them. I feel right now that is how I would feel. And what is causing us to have these feelings about our current sitter is when we are home with him and work with him on things (he just learned to sit about a week ago) and play with him his overall disposition changes, she sometimes cant remember when he ate last, we've asked her to write it down, she doesnt, I just feel in general like he's just another kid and not getting what he needs from her. Where as MIL when she does babysit for nights out and such, is very detailed, always plays with him, he nver just sits there, you know. I dont know, maybe its just me feeling bad about working and this whole thing in general.

I didn't get to see this before I responded.

If the rudeness and hurtfulness you talk about regarding your MIL is mainly aimed at your and perhaps your husband but she's good with your child then I might consider asking her to babysit. Do you even know if she's willing to take on that big of a responsibility?

My younger sister watches my children and I love that they are with someone who really loves them but, at the same time, she does do the things we ask her to do. I know my MIL would spoil my kids rotten, and it's fine when she does because that's special grandma time, but I wouldn't want to deal with that day in and day out. I think if you have your MIL watch your child you're really going to need to learn to bite your tongue and accept some things you wouldn't normally accept in order to get what you feel is the bigger benefit, having someone who loves him watch him.

jeffsjayme · May 2012

I can't imagine that MIL will take kindly to being treated like an employee. I'm all for using family - I'm using my sister and I'm paying her, but I won't be treating her like an employee. I'm either using her cause I like the caretaking she'll do or because I have no other choice. MIL will have you over a barrel since she'll know you can't afford other options. Your best bet is to work nicely with her. There is going to have to be some give and take. If you can't give what she wants to take, then you have to find a different option.

ETA: You should pay her, if she'll accept it. I mean, come on...she's watching your LO 4 days/week...that's huge! I'm not saying you have to pay her as much as a daycare, but you know what it would cost you to do something else. It's only fair. She doesn't exist to be your own dedicated babysitter.

bumpuser511563 · May 2012

What stood out to me is that you mentioned that your baby is delayed. I think it would not hurt for your baby to be evaluated to see if they are delayed. You could try to go through an early intervention program or go to your pedi for other options to evaluate your baby.

MIL babysat for us for a week until we found a daycare. It was awful because she did not listen to us or even let me hold my baby when I went to go visit during a lunch hour.

Choosing a daycare was the best thing for us and our marriage. I would try looking for another daycare arrangement besides MIL. Sure, she can sign the contract but you will not know what she is really doing with your baby.

lilmejo · May 2012

yes the rudeness and all is aimed mostly towards me and DH, she LOVES DS. And we're positive she'd take on the responsibilty as she was very upset when we didnt ask her to babysit him when I went back to work. And itsmevkb...you got it right when you said I may have to accept something I wouldnt normally accept to get the bigger benefit, someone who loves him watch him. I think that is what makes me lean more towards MIL, she may get into my things and annoy the crap out of me, but at the end of the day I know she would take him outside, paint with him, play with him, over all I think he'd grow better with her. I think it's more my dislike of her that I would have to over come and knowing she's not going to do everything I say and if it comes to something that is bad for LO then we just need to know to end the situation and find an alternative

KL777 · May 2012

From what you described I would not use the MIL at all. I would look around for other nannies or other in home care referrals.

KathrynMD · May 2012

I would find a better daycare - or at least look for one.

You're LO can learn a lot at a well-run daycare w/o having to deal w/a PITA insulting MIL.

kimmee1997 · May 2012

My mil kept my son for about a year and I loved it. My mil can be a little bossy and yeah she can do things I said I really don't want done but in the end if I could still have her sitting ds again I would. To me, it's a little like any other place and you learn to pick your battles. Initially I admit I was a little jealous that she got all this time with him and she would act like she knew him best but I always walked away knowing she loved him and would do anything for him. I know she introduced things to him that I really didn't wAnt and I or dh would say something and if she did it again my dh knew better than to tell me. As ds got older I learned that really if it wasn't hurting him then I could let go of some of my controlling side and let her do what she wanted. Besides she is a grandparent and yeah they will do what they want to do. But you know, me or dh didn't turn out so bad so I also didn't mind listening to her some. And it was nice to see ds develop a bond with her. In the end I'd do it all over again and consider us very lucky in the fact that mil was able to keep him.

giggles0918 · May 2012

There is no way I would use my MIL as a daycare provider and it sounds like I get along better with mine then you do yours. To me it's just too risky to use them as a provider and still have a personal realtionship with them. I would use pretty much any other option besides her if I could. GL.

iverske9 · May 2012

From how you describe her I would steer clear of MIL, hire a nanny if you want that much individual attention.

I will say that my mother had 4 daughters and I was the third. I can tell you our nanny did not play with me all the time and I continued on to top of class, graduated college in Bio with honors and then went to graduate school for cellular and molecular bio and my nanny and mother never gave me a 100% of undivided attention. I actually think I was ahead of the game because of my older sibling and kids around...I do not say it to be snarky i just think sometimes us mothers all freak out about stuff that really isn't that big of a deal.

MammaBear81 · May 2012

I agree with all of the posters that mention you should not use your MIL, and that is coming from someone who is currently using their own mother as DC, and has a good relationship with her. Paying her isn't going to magically make her listen to what you say, and honestly she will probably be offended if you treat her like an employee, after all she is your MIL.

You say your son is delayed, I agree with the poster about getting him evaluated, but what makes you sure that your MIL is able to help your son with his delays? Who says she isn't going to hold him all day because she LOVES him so much? Working with a child that has delays isn't as easy as giving them one on one attention (I have had 3 kids go through services). It takes a lot of time. patience and physical strength as they get older.

You also mention that your MIL is nosy, and unless you are going to lock up everything in your house, expect her to be in your business like you've never experienced before. That alone will cause more stress in your life, and create issues that you really don't need.

I LOVE my mother, and she LOVES my kids, but as soon as DH is employed FT and we save enough for our "cushion" we will be going back to using an au pair for childcare and Mom is going back to being "Grams". I like her much better that way.

Bottom line find another in home DC or a center that you can afford, OR if you really can't afford FT daycare, how about your MIL watching 1 day per week and your DS going to DC 3 days (I'm assuming you only need 4 days of care since that is what you stated above).

groovygrl · May 2012

Ditto pp, some examples might help... I personally would steer clear of family as DCP if you're at all on the fence about it, my question would be- if after a few weeks or months you decide that it is not working out, what will happen if you try to end it? Is it going to be unbelievable drama & hurt ? I like the idea of doing p/t MIL and p/t daycare to save $ and also see how it goes- you can tell her you really want him to have socialization/other kids his age etc in addition to being with her. Or, if that is not an option, what about telling her you need help for a month or two until you can get him into a new daycare and then you can see how it goes before making a true commitment...?

GreenMonkey1 · May 2012

I'm going to throw in my two cents about a nine month old being delayed. All children progress at different speeds. It's hard to say a 9-month old is delayed. There are developmental milestones, they are not set in stone. I'd recommend you have a conversation with your pediatrician if you are concerned about specific milestones your son is not reaching. Your pediatrician might tell you your son is progressing normally as the milestones are more of a range rather than a specific point in time. If there is a cause for concern, your pediatrician can give you some direction as to what to do.

As for using your MIL as a full-time caregiver when she is rude to you/DH, nosy, etc. - I'd say be careful. My MIL isn't rude to DH and I, but she is nosy and a few other adjectives. Nonetheless, she is watching our child once a week at her house. According to DH, we'd have to lock up everything - she would be the type to go in our bedside table and find our condoms because she was "looking for a bottle". Right, because we keep clean, empty bottles in our nightstand.

MammaBear81 · May 2012

GreenMonkey1:
According to DH, we'd have to lock up everything - she would be the type to go in our bedside table and find our condoms because she was "looking for a bottle". Right, because we keep clean, empty bottles in our nightstand.

This made me LOL! but I could totally see my mom doing this Stick out tongue

lilmejo · May 2012

Green Monkey- the condom comment was my MIL to a tee. When we lived with them before LO was born and we bought our house we came back from a trip to find the box with our personal papers thrown all over our bed, she claimed she was looking for a stink bug that fell when she tried to hit it with a magazine. Ok so what were you doing in our room???

As for examples, here are a few. In general when she watched him she does what we ask, however it is not without objection and her two sense, this I could get used to. She snoops through everything, the above example is one, the second is riffling through my mail, opening it and then claiming she didnt see it wasnt addressed to her.

As for the delays, we have an appoinment with his MD for his 9 month check-up and also are going to EI. He was a preemie and just in general some of his motor development and language development is at the range of a 6-7 month old making him about 3 months behind in actual age and 2 months behind in adjusted age. Some examples, he's not sitting up unassisted yet, (this I feel is in large part to the saucer I explained before as we were home with him for 3 days and constant floor time he was sitting up for a few seconds compared to the falling over before), he is quiet and does not babble consonant sounds da-da, ba-ba etc. I may be feeling paranoid and we will find out at our up coming appointments, I just feel like he had sometime even a few days a week with someone who had the time/space to work with him in certain areas he would be doing better. Just based on the change from when I went back to work and now.

Following some of your advice, we've decided to sign up for Care.com and look for other options for daycare, in the meantime we are having a trial run with the MIL as DH is on vacation for two weeks and this wa she can get used to being with him all day and what his schedule is like, then we will give it a shot and see what happens. She understands that we may not decide to use her, as we want her to stay a grandma and not a caregiver, so we'll see what happens. DH seems to think that this will work and that if we can get over some of the little things about her that drive us up the wall we can make it work.Wish me luck!

AmandaAllison · May 2012

I'm not sure if this is a concern or not, but my mom watched my son for me a lot when he was under a year. After he turned 1, and got a lot more active and was running, watching him several days in a row got to be a little taxing. Can you do daycare part of the week and your MIL another part. That way he still can get the best of both. It may be hard (it is for me to do that), but sometimes it's great and I minimize burnout for my mom too.

Good luck! I'm sure there is no easy solution, but you'll find the best one for your family.

Harper'smom · May 2012

Worst decision of my life. The toll it has taken on my marriage has not been worth it. Don't do it.

kmwills · May 2012

My MIL watches DD 2 days/wk, and that's enough to drive me crazy. We just switched from an in-home to a center for the other 3 days. DD wasn't doing well at the in-home - cried a lot, no other kids her age, bored, etc.

First week at the center - she hasn't cried a tear, brought home an art project, got her hair in pigtails (she won't let ME do her hair!) - she's thriving! I was concerned about her development, too, but I really think this center is going to do more for her than MIL or in-home could do.

We're continuing to use MIL to save us some money. Maybe you could look into MIL for 2 days and part-time in a center?

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