Mother In Law Help-- LONG
Good Morning Ladies. I need a little or a lot of advice today L lol Please not too much flaming (had enough of it from mil & dh)
It?s about my MIL and DH. I should prolly give you some history before I say what the problem is. I have the mil from hell. She is very controlling and manuilaptive and has my dh wrapped around her finger. The sad thing is, he doesn?t see it and his mom can do no wrong (he grew up with no father btw). My mil & I have had a few differences over the years but not like we have had since dc has been born. It all started when dc was first born and I was struggling with post partum really really bad. My ds birth was not the best & I had some separation issues and I was and still am somewhat picky about him. Anyway, my mil started underminding what I did and made it seem like I thought she was incapaible of taking care of him if I questioned her on anything. (ex: when he had been changed last, ate last, how his mood was ect? ) I don?t do that nor do I want to. If I thought she was incapable of taking care of him I wouldn?t have her watch him. I treat her the same as I do my own mother and my mom doesn?t have a problem with it.
However sh** hit the fan!! When I went to go pick up ds from mil?s house Caleb was happily playing on the floor & his shirt was drenched from drool. No bib was on, his pants were wet (no idea why) & there was still food on his face from lunch! She then proceeded to tell me he went through all his shirts and I only packed one pair of pants. (ok, so I?m human, I forgot , she has a washer & dryer) I went to go check his diaper bag for a bib and all his bibs were still clean and he still had shirts clean. WTF ??? I decided to let it go and we left shortly after. Later on that day, I was reloading his bag for today and noticed that his whole jar of peas were still in the bag. I had packed those for lunch along with some fruit for breakfast and lunch. I decided to text message my mil and ask what Caleb had for lunch since the peas were still in the bag (I did this because he has been having a few minor rashes and was making sure what he had for lunch in case of an allergic reaction)
So here?s how the text?s went:
ME: what did Caleb have for lunch?
Her: Squash & Pears
Me: Did he have both fruits for breakfast then?
Her: NO
Ok, so that was it. However two hours later she sent my dh a text message out of the blue saying: ?next time Carrie questions me on what Caleb has to eat, don?t do it at work! Does she think I don?t feed him? Maybe you need to find someone else to watch him?
Ok, wtf??? My dh was very confused, because I didn?t even tell him that I texted her, (didn?t feel the need to) He then proceeded to get upset and asking why I left him out of the loop and went behind his back? I told him & showed him what I texted and explained what happened when I picked Caleb up. His response was I don?t know what to do, I don?t want to be in the middle.
OMG! Please help, I?m so confused and not sure what to do. I am sick of being treated like either a horrible mom or that I?m weird because I?m particular.
Re: Mother In Law Help-- LONG
Ok - WHY IS YOUR MIL PROVIDING YOU WITH CHILD CARE?
If you have a problem with your MIL, make different childcare arrangements.
I love my MIL, but she does have a tendency to undermine me as a mother. That's why I have never left DS alone with her.
If you're sick of being treated like a horrible mom, stop giving your MIL that much control over the situation.
Wow, I am sorry. It is completely normal for you to ask how your childrens day went, all the way down to what they ate. Our daycare writes down every diaper change, feeding, nap and any other comments about their day. Now, how to handle the situation you have. Your dh needs to step up and talk to your mil. He needs to tell her that you both really appreciate and value her watching your dc. When you question about your ds day, it has nothing to do with the care she is giving him, you just want to get an idea of how his day was. For example, if he didn't nap well, you will know why he is so cranky at night, etc. . .
You have a mommas boy and unfortunately I do to. You just have to find a common ground and pick your battles with her.
Sorry, that's tough. I don't think I could have my MIL watch my son FT. I believe we would have those same issues. But you mentioned that you treat your MIL the same as your own mom. From what you described, I don't think that is a good idea. I can ask my mom specific questions, and give her detailed instructions, about my son's care when she watches him. But when my MIL watches him, it is my husband that needs to take care of addressing those issues. I don't have a bad relationship with my MIL, but we are not close either. The issue with your MIL isn't surprising to me, but your husband's reaction is what needs to be addressed. Honestly, I think I would look into other options for my son's care.
I replied on 6-12, but I think I need to add something else. You and your H need to get on the same page. So he doesn't want to be in the middle, it's HIS mother. He's in the middle by birth.
I'd be pissed that he jumped all over me about a situation he knew nothing about. Time to have a heart to heart.
First of all, your not any more particular than the billions of other mommies out there, myself included. My son is 10 and I still ask those questions about when he is with someone else.
My ex MIL was the daycare for my son when he was small and sometimes we went round and round over things because the way I did things and wanted things done pertaining to DS were different. But I knew she was taking care of him and we were able to discuss things. Your MIL doesn't seem like the type to really communicate with. I would probably have found a new sitter if my MIL acted as your does. If she is this way with you now.... I can only imagine the things your DC will hear as he gets older about you.
And since your DH doesn't want to be in the middle, he shouldn't have say in the new daycare person and have any rights of complaints for changing since he didn't want to be included in fixing the issue between his mom and yourself.
I wish you the best of luck in this situation, for everyone included.
If you need to use your MIL for childcare, then you need to learn to communicate with her (not via text message) about what you want for your child and she needs to be accepting of your choices. In addition, you will need to pick your battles - especially with respect to food - because toddlers are picky. So as long as she's not feeding him chips and chocolate, I would stress about the order or timing of food.
If you can't handle it, I'd suggest looking for other childcare options. I could not use family for daily childcare because I would be afraid of the strain on the relationship. But for babysitting, I just try not to sweat the small stuff. It's not worth it.
first, if you have the "mil from hell," then she shouldn't be your dcp.
i'm very particular about what dd eats, when she sleeps, how she's changed, what activities are appropriate, etc., i wouldn't be able to have this convo w/ my own mom, let alone a mil from hell. my mom would have provided me w/ free childcare. instead, we're paying $250/week bc i don't want to have someone second-guess my parenting decisions.
I agree with pp in that if you can find someone else to take care of dc - DO IT!!!
If that is your only option, use more effective ways of communicating with her. Texting can sometimes be perceived as short/abrupt, even if that is not how the person intends it to be. The tone of a question can easily be misunderstood via text. If you recognize that you have communication challenges with your MIL, don't use text or offer more fluffiness to not sound so abrupt.
As far as DH is concerned, he needs to stand up for you more and help mediate the situation.
GL!
Meissa