The "Magic" of TTC

JennOH85 · May 2012

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So I have been told by more than one person, including DH, that charts, OPKs, BBTs and such can ?take the magic out of ttc.? I?ve been thinking about this all day and I am finally able to express my opinion about it. I'm wondering if others of you have confronted this opinion from others before, and how you responded to it?

At least for me, creating a baby isn?t about magic; it?s about love. And real love is hard work. Butterflies are great, but butterflies can?t carry the weight that life brings, not all of the time. Real love requires conscious decisions, conscious effort. It?s not always fun and sometimes it?s downright miserable, but that?s what real love is and it?s worth it.

So maybe for some people using OPKs and charts and thermometers takes the magic out of it. And to that I say, ?Take all of the magic away. I don?t need magic. I will work for this.? I want my future son or daughter to know that I loved them so much that I was willing to work for it every single day. Whether he or she comes to me through natural conception, with the help of modern medicine, or through adoption, I want him or her to know that I loved them too much to leave it to magic. I took my temperature first thing in the morning, I peed on sticks several times a day, I took vitamins for months, I went to doctors, I read all kinds of books and I did all of it not because I?m some crazy control freak (as I have been accused of being) but because I love them so much I would do anything for them.

I don?t think that I lost my first baby because I didn?t work hard enough for him, or didn?t love him enough or didn?t plan enough. I don?t think I?ll ever know why. I don?t know if I?ll get pregnant again, but I know that I?m not willing to leave it to ?magic.? It?s too important for that.

My child will never be an accident. I want them to know that I was thinking about them and loving them and doing everything I could for them long before they were conceived. I?ll take love over "magic" any day.

ETA: Sorry for the funkified formatting at the top. I wrote this out in Word first since I kept getting error messages before copying it over to post. womp womp.

pkaren · May 2012

Doing all of these things makes me feel in control and therefore makes me happy. And I feel like I'm giving my future baby the best possible start.

I used to think that women who did all of these things that I'm doing now were crazy and trying too hard and that I would just "see what happens". Now, I want a take home baby so bad, I'm willing to do all of these things. Maybe for some people, making babies and keeping them is easy, so they don't understand and they judge us.

Making a baby takes science, not "magic". lol, man if I had a magic wand I'd be rich! *poof, you're KTFU!"*

I agree with you!

jenn0021 · May 2012

pkaren:

Doing all of these things makes me feel in control and therefore makes me happy. And I feel like I'm giving my future baby the best possible start.

I used to think that women who did all of these things that I'm doing now were crazy and trying too hard and that I would just "see what happens". Now, I want a take home baby so bad, I'm willing to do all of these things. Maybe for some people, making babies and keeping them is easy, so they don't understand and they judge us.

Making a baby takes science, not "magic". lol, man if I had a magic wand I'd be rich! *poof, you're KTFU!"*

I agree with you!

So true. They just don't understand.

killian09 · May 2012

Yup, I agree with this. You said it really well, JennOH. It's really not about magic. It's about biology and a good dose of randomness, but we can exert some (limited) control over the odds.

I am thankful that my DH is on board with my charting/OPKs. He has specifically asked that I go back to them as soon as we are cleared to TTC again. If he didn't want me to use them, I think I'd have trouble letting go and trying without them. I want this so badly--it would be hard to just stop doing what I can to try to help and exert the small dose of control that's available to me.

raashton · May 2012

I totally agree with you!

Those who spout about not losing the magic in getting pregnant were lucky enough to see the trick go off without a hitch. They didn't see why happens when believing enough wasn't enough.

I'm with you in taking the hard work and love over the magic.

Mmm79 · May 2012

If I was feeling spunky, my response to naysayers might be "yeah, too much beer plus the backseat of a car *is* pretty magic".

I mean seriously, how many babies are conceived on your "best sex ever" days?

psychmajormom · May 2012

If there was magic in ttc, we would ALL still have our babies and there would be NO miscarriages!

Laurakat81 · May 2012

daylights1:
If anyone ever told me I was taking the "magic" out of it, I think I'd tell them that the "magic" was taken with my m/c.

Definitely this. There is nothing "magical" about TTC for 2 years and 8 months. Nothing. The only thing "magical" will be carrying a healthy baby to term!

JennOH85 · May 2012

daylights1:
If anyone ever told me I was taking the "magic" out of it, I think I'd tell them that the "magic" was taken with my m/c.

This is so true.

JennOH85 · May 2012

jenn0021:
pkaren:

Doing all of these things makes me feel in control and therefore makes me happy. And I feel like I'm giving my future baby the best possible start.

I used to think that women who did all of these things that I'm doing now were crazy and trying too hard and that I would just "see what happens". Now, I want a take home baby so bad, I'm willing to do all of these things. Maybe for some people, making babies and keeping them is easy, so they don't understand and they judge us.

Making a baby takes science, not "magic". lol, man if I had a magic wand I'd be rich! *poof, you're KTFU!"*

I agree with you!

So true. They just don't understand.

I absolutely agree with both of you. In one sense, I'm so grateful that it's an easy process for some people, but that doesn't make it any easier for me.

And pkaren--even though I don't need magic--I wouldn't turn down a KTFU wand! **poof!**

ETA: spelling

LaTi07 · May 2012

I think IF and having a doc tell me when to have sex was the point it lost it's magic. Those statements are just as ignorant as "just relax." yay for you getting pg so easily, we should all be so lucky. I will go to the ends of the earth to have my take home baby and when s/he finally arrives, I will tell then everyday they were worth the fight.

ahbEsq · May 2012

Along similar lines, I've heard several times from different people that I'm stressing myself out by charting, temping, OPKs etc. and it's just making it harder for me to get pregnant and I should just let it happen naturally. Right. That's totally my problem--that I want this too much that I'm willing to do what it takes to make sure I time sex appropriately so I can help science do its thing! I think the magic is when conception happens at all against all odds. Doing your part to help those odds doesn't make it any less special.

minicheezburg · May 2012

daylights1:

If anyone ever told me I was taking the "magic" out of it, I think I'd tell them that the "magic" was taken with my m/c.

This and honestly charting helps me stay in control as much as I can. Right now we are just temping. OPK's can get a little outrageuous at times and DH hates timed sex. GL honey!

JennOH85 · May 2012

LaTi07:
I will go to the ends of the earth to have my take home baby and when s/he finally arrives, I will tell then everyday they were worth the fight.

This gave me goosebumps. I feel the same way.

KikiCohen · May 2012

DH still hates the idea of charting, temping, etc. He calls it "leaving pregnancy up to science". I just tell him that I chart my cycle days since they're irregular. What he doesn't know won't hurt him lol

MeganS313 · May 2012

LaTi07, your post as above also gave me goosebumps. I will never forget to tell my take home baby how much I loved, cried, worked, fought, and prayed for them. I will also share openly with my DS about his baby sibling in Heaven when he's old enough to understand it.

I think also as another poster said- you lose a lot of "magic" when you lose a baby. You can't blindly be excited about a BFP anymore b/c that "magic" has been taken away from you, and for some multiple times.

I have nothing more to add other than to say this was beautifully written. I think you nailed it.

JennOH85 · May 2012

ahbEsq:
Along similar lines, I've heard several times from different people that I'm stressing myself out by charting, temping, OPKs etc. and it's just making it harder for me to get pregnant and I should just let it happen naturally. Right. That's totally my problem--that I want this too much that I'm willing to do what it takes to make sure I time sex appropriately so I can help science do its thing! I think the magic is when conception happens at all against all odds. Doing your part to help those odds doesn't make it any less special.

This feels so true to me!

This is completely unrelated, but it make me think of the SNL skit with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler as Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton when Amy/Hillary looks at Tina/Sarah and says something along the lines of, "You're right. If I could change one thing about my campaign, I probably would have wanted it more."

s.alarie · May 2012

Maybe he is confusing "magic" with Hollywood:

A woman is supposed to **randomly** come to her husband with a pregnancy test and shows it to him. He says, "What does this mean??" She replies, "I'm pregnant!"

Fast forward 9 months through pregnant bliss with no complications or heartache. They are out for dinner, she feels ONE contraction, tells everyone that "It's time!!" and they rush to the hospital. Thirty minutes later, she is lying in her hospital bed, makeup still perfectly applied, holding a beautiful perfect, pink, round-headed bundle of joy.

It's all bullish!t. That's the scripted version of what actually happens. We know the reality though, just as we know that we don't have 28-day cycles with O on day 14 and 3-5 days of menstrual bleeding. It's just not reality.

So *** magic. It doesn't exist anymore. Like PP said, it got taken away with my m/c.

ct103 · May 2012

JennOH, this is so beautiful. Do you mind if I reference it or quote it in my blog? Of course I will be giving you credit.

hungryhippo · May 2012

I am fascinated by the science of ttc- charting, opk's, cm, etc. I totally understand the desire to work for it and a rejection of the idea of "just letting it happen", or "magic" or "meant to be"... Screw meant to be. Screw magic. I get it.

But, I can't not respond to say that it sounds like your DH is telling you that he does still value those concepts. From where I sit today, I wish I worked harder to really hear my DH's needs in this TTCAL process.

I thought I was doing what was best for us by ramping up my efforts to get pregnant again. What could be better for us than doing everything I can to bring our rainbow baby here? Turns out, that was what was best for me in my grief and not at all what was best for our marriage. By pushing my agenda at a time when it was nearly impossible for DH to disagree with me because of my grief, I missed out on an opportunity to strengthen an already good marriage (i completely took that for granted) and risked leaving my DH feeling far less valued than he is.

Just a friendly word of caution, nothing more.

nkemp · May 2012

Thank you for posting this. I'm printing it now for DH to read and I'm feeling a little weepy after reading everyone's responses. I feel the magic every time I see a temp rise, smiley face or 3 bars. ((Hugs)) to everyone peeing on things, taking their temps and obsessing over their chart. I hope that we all get our magical take home baby.

JennOH85 · May 2012

hungryhippo:
But, I can't not respond to say that it sounds like your DH is telling you that he does still value those concepts. From where I sit today, I wish I worked harder to really hear my DH's needs in this TTCAL process.
I thought I was doing what was best for us by ramping up my efforts to get pregnant again. What could be better for us than doing everything I can to bring our rainbow baby here? Turns out, that was what was best for me in my grief and not at all what was best for our marriage. By pushing my agenda at a time when it was nearly impossible for DH to disagree with me because of my grief, I missed out on an opportunity to strengthen an already good marriage (i completely took that for granted) and risked leaving my DH feeling far less valued than he is.

HungryHippo, this hit home so hard for me. This process has been a very different experience for DH than it has for me, and I know that. You make such good points and I think what I need to do is think hard about the fact that the "magic" is important to him because it means something to him, and that might be very different from what it means to me. Thank you.

JennOH85 · May 2012

nkemp:
I feel the magic every time I see a temp rise, smiley face or 3 bars. ((Hugs)) to everyone peeing on things, taking their temps and obsessing over their chart.

This. ((hugs)) right back at ya.

foxxy1 · May 2012

daylights1:

If anyone ever told me I was taking the "magic" out of it, I think I'd tell them that the "magic" was taken with my m/c.

I have to agree with this one wholeheartedly.

mhubbar5 · May 2012

That magic fairy tale nonsense went right out the window after our first mc. Sure everything is all puppies and rainbows when its not a struggle and you don't have to work hard for it. My family keeps telling me I need to quit trying so hard. I have been forced to fight and work for what I want, and if that means taking my temp and peeing on things everyday, then that is just what I have to do! If you wanted something that bad, you wouldn't just leave it all up to "magic", you would do all you could to make it happen!

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