Anticipated loss- dealing with difficult decisions

decemberbride09 · May 2012

Hi Everyone. Hope I'm in the right forum for this.

I am 13 weeks pregnant. We recently learned our baby has cystic hygroma and fetal hydrops, which is fatal. The doctors were grim and said our baby won't make it because of the swelling in his/her heart and lungs. We are faced with either waiting for the baby to pass on his/her own, or to terminate. The risk appears to be that the later the baby passes, the riskier the d & e will be to remove him/her, and if the baby goes past 20 weeks, I may have to be induced.

We're accepting the fact that our baby won't make it, but having difficulty with deciding to terminate due to our religious beliefs. We are leaning towards terminating, and I scheduled the procedure. When I called to scheduled it, they kept referencing it as an abortion, which just broke my heart. I know medically it may be the same, but i was a mess after the phone call because it just felt wrong.

So, I'm wondering if anyone has been through something similar, or has any insight.

thanks.

Mprovencio · May 2012

My situation is not the same at all but I'm in a similar predicament. I am 6 weeks pregnant and the pregnancy is non viable. The dr wanted me to take a dose of methotrexate but I want to miscarry naturally due to religious beliefs. I am someone who doesn't even take Advil for a headache. Though I want to move on, I am torn whether or not to just take the meds or wait howeve long it takes.

I know I can't possibly understand how you feel, just remember God has a plan for you and this procedure will help ou and your unborn child. It's the safest option regardless of the medical terminology.

rlajambe · May 2012

Sorry that you have to go through this.

I went through a similarly difficult decision recently. Different circumstances, but similar decisions.

At our A/S ultrasound, the doctors determined that my cervix was open and the amniotic sac was bulging out. I was diagnosed with incompotent cervix. There was a procedure to try to put the sac back in and stitch my cervix to hold the baby in. Given how much I was dilated the chance of a healthy child was very low and the high of infection was quite high. We had to consider carefully that if we tried it and I became infected, not only would we lose the baby anyway, but we may lose any chance of conceiving another and I could have sepsis and die as well.

Given the likelihood of a good outcome, we decided not to have the surgery and let this baby go. I was induced to prevent any further risk of infection.

I am religious too. God teaches us to accept the things that we cannot change. I have solice knowing that she is with God now. It was the most difficult decision of my life, but I know that it was the right one.

I'm not saying that this is right decision for you, but this was my experience. Only you know what's right for you.

sarah_e87 · May 2012

I haven't had to make that agonizing decision. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for all you're going through and my T&Ps are with you. I'm sorry that the terminology that was used when you called to schedule the procedure has made you feel worse about this difficult decision.

Loveniz · May 2012

I'm so sorry for you and your DH. I have not been through what your facing, but sending many thoughts and prayers.

monkeymommie · May 2012

My prayers are with you...this is an agonizing situation. Though the terminology is terrible, you are not contemplating an abortion; sadly your baby is unable to live and if you choose to have the procedure you are just more safely getting to the inevitable next stage. Although it is hard to understand how such bad things can happen with a loving God, I choose to believe that He did not cause the bad in the world and is there for support, and can lead you through this procedure.

That having been said, you wrote that after the phone call "it just felt wrong". So even if I and other posters and your doctor feel it would be right, if you do you might feel worse. That statement might just be something you wrote at the moment and not as meaningful as I thought it potentially was, but you have to think for yourself on this. If you want reassurance that others don't think it would be wrong you have it! You might feel better too if you talk to your religious leader if you have one. But bottom line, if it feels wrong to you then just go by your instincts. It doesn't matter what I think or anyone else.

Again, my prayers are with you--I am so sorry.

scamberlous3000 · May 2012

monkeymommie:
You might feel better too if you talk to your religious leader if you have one. But bottom line, if it feels wrong to you then just go by your instincts. It doesn't matter what I think or anyone else.
Again, my prayers are with you--I am so sorry.

This exactly.

I can not imagine going through a decision like that, and I am so incredibly sorry that you are faced with this problem. I think speaking with your pastor and even praying about it can help you make the best decision. I also think it may be the only way that will make the issue bearable and help you keep the guilt you are already feeling at bay. You are in my T & P, and as long as you feel right about the decision, then it is the right one. Take care! (((((hugs)))))

decemberbride09 · May 2012

Thanks everyone. I considered talking to my pastor- but considering that we're catholic, I was a little reluctant because I don't think they would support this decision. I could be wrong. I think I will pray more about it, and I appreciate everyone's kind words. My husband and family have been super supportive as well.

I'm hoping that the hospital is sensitive about it- the entire situation is just awful and I wish that I wasn't in this situation. I'm sure everyone feels that way with a loss, it's helpful having this forum to connect with others.

Thanks ladies.

KikiCohen · May 2012

I wasn't in this position, but I understand where you're coming from as far as your beliefs. Remember that you have to protect yourself too. God has a plan for every one of us, and I don't think God would want you to risk your health in this situation. I will be praying for you.

starswinger · May 2012

Is there any chance to have the baby and donate the body to help other babies? Just a thought. When I miscarried, they called that a missed abortion. That word is just not right in that situation.

laurieb602 · May 2012

I'm mostly a lurker, but we had to make the same decision 8 months ago. At 14 weeks it was discovered that our son had anencephaly/acrania and a zero percent chance of survival. With his brain exposed, the thought of his suffering was more than I could bear. It's a hard thing to reconcile in your head. I felt like I couldn't say I had a miscarriage or that I lost him, I didn't know how to say what happened. Of course I believe we made the right choice, had we chosen to let nature proceed, that would have been the right answer too.

Im sorry you are dealing with this, I don't wish this on anyone. You'll be in my thoughts.

mamamiles · May 2012

I am so sorry you have to make this decision... it is heartbreaking enough to know you're losing your child, let alone having to be the one to decide when it will be.. there are a few ladies on the "loss" board i believe had to do the same... i lurk over there... different medical situations, but same decision... try posting there as well to see if you can get a feel of how they went about with it. and it might turn out to be a good support system for you, seeing how they had to make the same difficult choice, and most of us haven't. you have to be comfortable in your choice and know that you did what was best for both you and your child. and when you are ready we will all be here for the support you need, to vent, to ask your questions, whatever it may be...

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