"Last week I was pregnant."

beckalyce · May 2012

I said that to myself today standing in the bathroom staring at my not-so-firm-anymore boobs.

Sounds weird, probably. Last Tuesday I found out I was pregnant, and I lost my baby on Saturday. Doctor says I was probably around four weeks along.

At this point I think I'm posting just to get things off my chest. I'm being positive for everyone around me, including my fiance. He's hurting enough as it is and had to deal with my sobbing on and off over the weekend.

I just smile, and tell anyone who knows that I know things are "meant to be" and I'll "be a mommy someday." They all agree and give me a hug. All of this feels so empty to me though. For four days, I was due in January and I was going to have to wear a tent of a wedding dress in December. I was going to have to opt out of the fun drinking and get wasted part of my business trip this summer because I'd be 12 weeks pregnant and sometime this year I was going to need to get a new car.

But now, all of this is different. And I'm heartbroken still. I'd rather be exhausted right now because I'm pregnant and not because "being happy" is so draining.

I'm so sorry that anyone has to go through this, and I'm speaking to all of you ladies on this board.

Empty feeling or not, what should be will be and we WILL be mommies someday (if of course that's what you want). I just hope that sinks in before I break completely.

auntsugar1351 · May 2012

I went through the same thing last year. I found out about a week and a half before Valentine's Day I was pregnant. Though the timing wasn't the greatest I was still thrilled. I've always desperately wanted a baby. I told my Mom the day after Valentine's day that she was going to be a new MiMi, and we stayed up all night almost planning and laughing. The next morning I went to the dr, and then that afternoon I lost the baby. It was horrible. I am soooo sorry you are going through this. The one thing that helped me get through my "melt down" was I finally wrote a letter to the baby. I wrote about how much I loved him, and how he would always hold a place in my heart, and I began to feel better. Maybe this will help you as well. I pray for some healing for you. Again I am so sorry about your loss. Good luck in future Mommy-hood though.

sarah_e87 · May 2012

I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard enough to go through this being able to express your emotions. I couldn't imagine feeling like I had to be positive for everyone around me...It's okay to vent and be real with people. I still have a hard time understanding why things happen the way they do and how quickly anything can change. Sending you lots of T&Ps.

drlnpaul · May 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss. We were due January 22nd and miscarried last Saturday. You are not alone. I feel like I could have written this same post. After a few days of being sad inside and telling people it's ok and it will happen again soon for us I decided it wasn't doing me any good. So if someone asks how I am doing I tell them. If a friend asks how the baby making is going I tell them we lost the baby early but it's still raw and painful. And if I need to cry I cry. Take the time you need to be sad and mourn. I hope you can find comfort in this board and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Loveniz · May 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss. I also miscarried last weekend and was due in January. Everyone grieves at their own pace, I just take each day at a time and try to focus on something positive no matter how small it may be. Many thoughts and prayers for you. The ladies on this board are very supportive.

lgumby13 · May 2012

Well ladies, sorry to say that I'm with you. I was due January 11, lost the baby at 6 weeks. I have pcos and have been "casually trying" for 2 years. I dont ovulate often, have low progesterone and other issues. This baby was our miracle baby, no fertility medication needed. I am heartbroken.

All i can do is tell myself that I'm still young and have many fertility treatment options available to me that I haven't tried yet. And I tell myself I'd much rather this happen at 6 weeks, and not further into the pregnancy.

I hope all of our bodies recover quickly and we can get have the chance to get pregnant again soon.

KikiCohen · May 2012

I'm so sorry I hope you can find support and comfort from this board. I know I have.

On Sunday, it will be one week since my M/C started (without any indication of a problem) and it will also be the day that I would have been officially in the 2nd tri.

We're all here for you!!

beckalyce · May 2012

Thank you, ladies. For sharing your experiences. It sucks knowing people feel how I feel but it also helps.

This whole thing is affecting me in such a weird way. I feel "fine" most of the time, but on top of it I have this overlay of fog. I can't shake it. I don't feel normal. I don't act normal. My fiance is suffering the most from it because we don't get to see each other often right now (he lives in CA and I live in AZ) and I'm not myself. He wants to help me, and doesn't understand that him just being around helps a lot.

I'm just not 100% and I don't know how to deal with it. I guess it doesn't help that I'm still dealing with the loss of my father in March. I don't think I ever got out from under that fog just yet...

I feel like I'm drowning. (Seriously the most emo thing I've written since I was 17, but at least this time it's not about a boy I like kissing another girl)

EMLDF · May 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss. Im going through the same thing. Tested positive last Monday was SOOOOO excited. Started planning holiday travels (or rather lack of travels) since edd was also. And planning on how not to go crazy spending maternity leave in a small condo in snowy Chicago! I bought books and my husband and i debated how we would break the news to our parents. And them yesterday I miscarried. I was heartbroken.

I don't know how long you were TTC (or maybe it was a happy surprise!) but one thing my mom tod me which was comforting is that it is wonderful is that we were ABLE to get pregnant... And that most women that mc are able to go to have successful pregnancies. And if we have to mc better now than much later in the pregnancy. I didn't realize until yesterday that both of my moms mcs were at four months.

I know it's hard but try to think of the positives. And let yourself grieve and let your loved ones help you grieve by being honest about how you feel. Some women don't need as much time do they may not realize that you are still hurting.

Just think of the baby you will have one day BECAUSE you lost this pregnancy. It doesn't seem like it now but it's meant to be.

beckalyce · May 2012

First of all... I'm SO sorry for your loss. This board has never made me want to hug complete strangers more than I do these days.

Secondly...

Thank you It's been getting a little easier now that the spotting has stopped. It's surprising what that reminder every time I went to the bathroom did to my spirit.

And no we weren't really trying, but we weren't trying very hard not to. I've been told since I was 16 that I might have a lot of problems trying to get pregnant due to hormone issues I have and so to actually get pregnant without trying was AMAZING.

So with that, I completely agree with your mom and it's something I've been saying since before I m/c'd (I had this feeling the whole time I knew), that I COULD get pregnant, and that was a lot more progress than I thought I'd make on my own.

And I've also said that same thing to my fiance; that if we didn't lose this one, we wouldn't have the one we'll end up sending to college.

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