Returning to Support Group -- as a guest
johnnys june
member
:: Warning - Rainbow mentioned ::
I received an email from our HEAL (Helping Endure Infant Loss) support group leader this past Sunday. This one was designed to have 8 session - not on going. We attended January-February of 2011. He emailed to ask if we would be willing to come as the "guest" to the current group's last session. Every group does this. He asks a previous HEAL group couple to return on that last night to close out the session with our story -- the loss, the grief, where we are now, the hope, ect. I promptly responded that we wouldn't mind coming, however, I am 32+ weeks pregnant and wasn't sure if this would be helpful/hopeful or hurtful. I left it up to the group leader to decide since every group has a different dynamic of people in it....When he responded he said he knew he kept coming to our name for a reason....there are currently 2 women in this group that are pregnant after their loss and just found out not too long ago. He expressed that they're scared/nervous/ect. and that it could be very hopeful for them to see me so far along in our rainbow pregnancy.
All that being said -- I have mixed emotions. I am more than willing, and glad that I have this opportunity to share my story and offer them some hope. However, returning to that same room...remembering those conversations....seeing the same hospital that is right across the street....I think it's wearing on my emotions without me knowing about it. I'm nervous about how I'll feel. I'm nervous that I won't actually do much good. I'm worried that I'll still be hurting someone by showing up with my very large bump that I cannot hide anymore. I'm worried that I might breakdown. *sigh*
I'm probably worried for nothing. In a way, I feel Logan and the universe are pushing me to take this "next step" in my grief/healing. It's a hurdle for sure, especially being so close (and so terrified/nervous) to the end of {{hopefully}} my take home baby. If you could spare any extra good vibes I would appreciate it. I'm expecting some sort of emotional "hangover" tomorrow....that's just the way it is.
Re: Returning to Support Group -- as a guest
*HUGS*
You are an inspiration to many women on this board, me included. And while you might think your appearance might not do any good, I beg to differ. When I get pregnant again, I would love to hear advice from those who have rainbow babies and pregnancies. You would know what I'm going through more than anybody.
I understand your nervousness and uneasy thoughts but you have Logan supporting you every step of the way. And you have your wonderful rainbow growing by the day inside you, also cheering you on.
If you breakdown, that's fine. If others breakdown, that's also fine. You can only help, not hurt.
You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
I think if you go you will feel much to have done it , true it might hurt to start off with but it will make you feel better to help others. I know in my support group I looked at one of the members who was pregnant with her rainbow and kind of used her as a role model if that makes sense. Her loss was different than mine but still she lost her baby too.
It helps us pregnant early on with our rainbows to see ladies like you ready to have yours. Good luck I will be thinking about you!!
I tried to imagine myself sitting in the group you are speaking to. You are right in that it would likely be painful for me to see you with a large bump. But it would be more painful to see you without one, with your hopes and dreams not even close to being realized. Because right now my dream of a take home baby seems so far away and impossible, and I need to get some hope back. Right now, when I see pregnant women, I want to scream at them about how lucky they are and that things don't always go how they hope they will and that bad things can happen. But I wouldn't feel the need to scream that at you, because you know. You know the pain.
It might be difficult for you, but you seem like someone with great courage and an incredibly strong support in your husband. I hope this experience will offer you both some healing.