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Baby Showers
Happily Overwhelmed
member
WWYD and an ettiquette question...
Happily Overwhelmed
member
in Baby Showers
I just got invited to a Baby Shower...
The shower is for my DH's cousin's wife. I've only met this woman once (briefly). The invite doesn't include her name (just "Baby Girl (Last Name)") and I can't remember her name---to give you an idea of how close I am with this woman.
I can't figure out if it's gift grabby or "family obligation". Personally I think showers should be more intimate with people that you know. I've only met DH's aunt a handful of times. It feels awkward being invited. And I'm not sure what to think.
I have a 5 month old son. The mother-to-be probably doesn't even know that I have a baby. I also kinda find it odd that my baby wasn't acknowledged but I'm supposed to acknowledge theirs.
DH isn't at all close with his cousin. DH and I have been together 7 years and I believe I've met this cousin twice (and neither time having a conversation with him). This part of DH's family is nice---but never really seen. They don't live far (maybe 30-45 minutes away) however the shower is an hour and a half away. (So I'll be spending approximately 6 hours on a Sunday driving and at this shower).
Never being invited to anything on DH's side I feel like I should take the opportunity. But yet have a bad taste in my mouth over it. I'm really torn.
How would you feel?
AND...My MIL (who is a hermit) has already RSVPed that she'd go (and it's a good 3 hour drive for her). She's pretty much insisting I come AND bring my 5 month old son. MIL and I DO NOT get along. I said only MY name was on the invite so I shouldn't be allowed to bring DS. She thinks that's nonsense and that babies are a given at a baby shower. This is wrong...right?
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Re: WWYD and an ettiquette question...
If it were me it would be a no-brainer - I wouldn't go. If you feel some sort of family obligation, send a card.
Since you have absolutely no relationship at all with these people, I wouldn't go. You could just send a nice card (assuming you find out her name!) and, if you're feeling generous, a small gift.
You are absolutely correct that you can not bring an uninvited baby to an event.
This is why I hate it when people say "Oh, just send an invite - it can't hurt!" because actually.... it can. It's not a given that everyone gets an invite and says "OMG! That is SOOO thoughtful of them to "include" me!!!!".
Plus, not only are you not close to her, it's also THREE hours away! That counts as "out of town".
It's a fricking shower- not a wedding.
I'm another vote for not going. If it were important to that branch of the family to get to know you, they would have reached out to you all at other times in their lives too.
I wouldn't go and I absolutley wouldnt' send a gift. A card, sure, but that's about it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think you are kind of making a big deal out of nothing - go or don't go - what's the problem?
If it were me, I would probably go because I think that it's family and I always try to be involved in family events. It sounds like this would be a nice opportunity for you to score some points with your MIL and your DH's side of the family which can't hurt. To me though, an hour drive isn't a big deal. So you blow half a Sunday, it's one day. I would not bring your child. The child was not invited.
If you don't go, in my opinion, it would be in poor taste to not send a gift. You don't know her intent in inviting you, maybe it was purely to get to know her husband's family better.
For what it's worth - I agree with the philosophy that baby showers should be intimate with closest fam and friends. But maybe she doesn't have a lot of that...
___________________________________________________________________________
Trying for #1 since May 2010 l DX ~ Unexplained Infertility June 2011
IUI #1&2 = BFN; IUI #3 = BFP, m/c @ 6 weeks
November '11 ~ IVF#1 ~ ER 11/18 (29R, 17F) ~ 5dt of one beautiful blast on 11/23 = BFP!!
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FET #1 - October '13 - c/p l FET #2 - December '13 - cancelled
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**TEAM GREEN!**
Beautiful baby girl born 11.24.14
I would honestly guess she she invited you because you are family, not to pilfer you for a gift, but I could be wrong. That being said, you clearly don't want to go, so don't go. Don't worry about your MIL, and certainly don't bring your uninvited baby! If you really are flattered to be included in a that-side-of-the-family invite, send the mom-to-be a really sweet card, where you actually write your own sweet message inside. That way you don't tear down any bonds they are trying to build, but you also get out of going and buying a gift.
For my shower my grandmother wanted to invited ALL of our extended family. I didn't know a lot of them and refused. She kept saying they would be offended if I didn't invited them, however, I had to explain to her that inviting people I don't know to a shower for me would come off as very gift grabby and that was not my intention. I wonder if maybe the mother to be didn't give the host the guest list but someone else in the family did?
I would not go, but I would send a card. If you have to, blame the baby. 6 hours is a LONG time for a LO to go in a car, around people, out of the norm etc. You are not obligated to go.
My thoughts exactly.
Also, I think you're right since it doesn't say and the family or and your son's name, he probably was not invited.
I also wouldn't travel 1.5 hours for a baby shower for someone Im not close.
I wouldn't go. If I don't even know a person's name I wouldn't even send anything.
I would tell your MIL you have plans for that day.
Ditto this.
http://pandce.****/index.cgi#general
Skip the shower. Send a note to the hostess with your regrets for declining the invite. Send the MTB a nice card with a personal note and a $20 gift card.
Then, if not already, add her to your holiday card list - if you send out cards with the family photos or letters.
It's a start to building a bridge.
My family isn't very close but I think we'd all like to be closer. So, I invited all aunts and female cousins (even cousins by marriage) to the shower which my aunt on that side of the family offered to host. It's a totaly of 12 people. I didn't invite everyone to be gift grabby. I just thought it'd be a great opportunity to get everyone together again. I invited my cousin's long-term girlfriend who I never see, hoping it'd be a good opportunity for her to know the family better.
BFP#1 10 wk missed mc
BFP#2 DS born at 40+2 on 8/14/12 BFP#3 DD Born at 39+3 on 5/13/14
If you don't even know the woman's name, skip it. If you really feel obligated to acknowledge the baby, send a card after she's born. I wouldn't worry about a gift, though.
To answer your last question, you're right. If the invite was only addressed to you, it's safe to say that your son isn't invited.
This. Two weekends ago I went to a shower that was for the baby-momma of DH's cousin, the shower was the first time I met her. I didn't know her first name until I got the invite, and it didn't have DH's cousin's name on it, at first I didn't even know who the shower was for. I would just rather keep the peace. I don't expect her to be at my shower, but I know that they really need all the help they can get.
He's the single greatest thing I've done in my life and reminds me daily of how fun (and funny) life can be. He's turned out pretty swell for having such a heartless and evil mother.
Maybe I'm feeling analytical but ...
1. I don't get family that is content with not knowing each other. In theory, wouldn't it be great to get to know this cousin and since you both are in the same stage of life (young kids) wouldn't that be great for your children?
2. You sound bitter that your child wasn't acknowledged but based on what you gmhave said I'm guessing you did not send them any invites or info that you had a child ...so uh??? Yeah they didn't acknowledge them.
3. Of course you don't have to go or give a gift but why not use this as an opportunity to meet and get to know each other???? Maybe that is why the invite was sent.
Shrugs.
Perhaps your DH's cousin feels he was closer than your DH did. I'm thinking the MTB probably thinks since your DH's mother is invited that her children (you being her DIL) should be invited as well.
Unless I have other commitments I go. All of my relatives (and friends) live over an hour away so I'm used to the distance aspect.
If you really don't want to go then don't. Just RSVP no and be done with it. If you want them to feel that you really did want to go but couldn't..then send a card and a gfit (I'd probably do a gift card since it is easiest). If you don't have a babysitter then you have a perfect excuse. If they say bring your baby anyway you can say it would interrupt LO's nap, etc. and would be too difficult. Sounds like your MIL wants to show off your LO - you are right, all babies are not invited to baby showers. The shower is for ONE baby.