Fuming mad (NBR)

ladybug122 · May 2012

Some of you probably remember me saying that my relationship with my SO is rocky right now. We'll things had been better for a few days, until yesterday. A few weeks ago we had talked about him going to an economics conference at the end of June, and I had said I didn't think it was a good idea but that we would talk more about it later. He never brought it up again, and yesterday I come to find out that he went ahead and bought the tickets. He spent $287 and committed to a week away from DD and I, when he knew it was something I wasn't supportive of. By the way, he has gone to over 4 conferences in the past year alone (for his own enjoyment) and is already accepted to grad school, so it is in no way necessary.

I looked into the ticket and it is non-refundable. I am so mad at him for disrespecting me this way, and I am upset because I didn't think he would do something so stupid like this. Plus, we don't have extra money lying around, and a week of taking care of DD all alone is not a cake-walk. He said he is sorry, but I think he is sorry that I am mad, not sorry that he bought it behind my back.

Would you let him go? Or make him stay home and say goodbye to the $287 he wasted?

Thanks again for letting me vent about my super frustrating relationship. Ugh.

Syncronicity09 · May 2012

I don't think it would be up to me to let him, or not let him do anything. He is a grown man and can make these decisions himself.

Would I be mad? Definitely, it is unfair to you and DD. Parenting should be a joint effort, and decisions that require either of you to be away for any extended period of time should be a joint decision. Especially if the other will be left caring for DD alone.

vanessa999 · May 2012

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. Men sometimes just don't think. I feel like it was definitely disrespectful of him to not have this talk with you before purchasing his ticket. DH and I always consult each other before purchasing things, especially a plane ticket.

I think that at this point having him stay home may not be a good idea, especially if you are this upset, it may just make for a fight and more stress. I would say let him go and find some other way to make a point to him that it wasn't ok. Maybe when he comes back he has to spend the whole week taking primary care of LO.

Sunidaze · May 2012

I understand your frustration in the fact that he didn't talk to you about going. However, I don't quite undertanding the 'would you let him go'. He is an adult, not your child and given that, I don't think this is really a question of whether or not you let him go. You can tell him you aren't pleased with him going, but I don't think you can demand he stay home.

Too, leave the issue of taking care of DD 'all alone' out of it. There are single moms on this board who do it frequently, there are plenty of other women on this board who have husbands that travel frequently for business. There are several women here who have traveled themselves and their husbands were able to handle care of their LOs 'all alone'. I have had to do this several times includine a 9 day stint before DD was even two months old. And DH has taken care of DD on his own when I took a long weekend away, and again when she had to spend a week home from daycare recently. So please, leave that part of the argument out of it.

Syncronicity09 · May 2012

Sunidaze:
I understand your frustration in the fact that he didn't talk to you about going. However, I don't quite undertanding the 'would you let him go'. He is an adult, not your child and given that, I don't think this is really a question of whether or not you let him go. You can tell him you aren't pleased with him going, but I don't think you can demand he stay home.

Too, leave the issue of taking care of DD 'all alone' out of it. There are single moms on this board who do it frequently, there are plenty of other women on this board who have husbands that travel frequently for business. There are several women here who have traveled themselves and their husbands were able to handle care of their LOs 'all alone'. I have had to do this several times includine a 9 day stint before DD was even two months old. And DH has taken care of DD on his own when I took a long weekend away, and again when she had to spend a week home from daycare recently. So please, leave that part of the argument out of it.

Just because others have done it, doesn't mean she shouldn't be upset that he made the decision for her to care for their child alone without her.

Did you or YH just leave on your trips without consulting the other? I doubt it. Just because you can do it alone, does not mean you would want YH planning a trip without your input.

Sunidaze · May 2012

Syncronicity09:
Sunidaze:

I understand your frustration in the fact that he didn't talk to you about going. However, I don't quite undertanding the 'would you let him go'. He is an adult, not your child and given that, I don't think this is really a question of whether or not you let him go. You can tell him you aren't pleased with him going, but I don't think you can demand he stay home.

Too, leave the issue of taking care of DD 'all alone' out of it. There are single moms on this board who do it frequently, there are plenty of other women on this board who have husbands that travel frequently for business. There are several women here who have traveled themselves and their husbands were able to handle care of their LOs 'all alone'. I have had to do this several times includine a 9 day stint before DD was even two months old. And DH has taken care of DD on his own when I took a long weekend away, and again when she had to spend a week home from daycare recently. So please, leave that part of the argument out of it.

Just because others have done it, doesn't mean she shouldn't be upset that he made the decision for her to care for their child alone without her.

Did you or YH just leave on your trips without consulting the other? I doubt it. Just because you can do it alone, does not mean you would want YH planning a trip without your input.

I don't get the chance for input.

Syncronicity09 · May 2012

Sunidaze:
I don't get the chance for input.

Sure you do, this is a discussion board...we are discussing!

jgengo0 · May 2012

You can't make him stay, but you can say the magic word.

I said this once to DH and he has honestly never stepped out of line again.

Get super calm...there can be no anger in your voice whatsoever.

" Honestly.., I am not even mad at you anymore...I am just so disappointed in you" and leave it at that.

When a guy sees that you are angry they know you are just mad for the moment. They are use to women "blowing up." When you are eerily calm it freaks them out.

No man likes to hear he is a disappointment. This has worked for myself as well as a lot of girlfriends who have used these words. I promise it will make him think.

TCUFrogMom11 · May 2012

jgengo0:

You can't make him stay, but you can say the magic word.

I said this once to DH and he has honestly never stepped out of line again.

Get super calm...there can be no anger in your voice whatsoever.

" Honestly.., I am not even mad at you anymore...I am just so disappointed in you" and leave it at that.

When a guy sees that you are angry they know you are just mad for the moment. They are use to women "blowing up." When you are eerily calm it freaks them out.

No man likes to hear he is a disappointment. This has worked for myself as well as a lot of girlfriends who have used these words. I promise it will make him think.

Yep. Yep and Yep!

ladybug122 · May 2012

Yall are right that I can't MAKE him stay home or LET him go - he is an adult and clearly has the ability to make choices on his own. I meant that I am unsure to give him my blessing to go, or to ask him to stay (which he may or may not agree to). I think at this point I'm leaning towards giving him my blessing to go, although a serious talk about making decisions like this as a couple.

As far as taking care of DD alone for a week, I think that is a valid point that I can make. I am aware that there are moms who take care of their children without any help, and I have also taken care of DD by myself while SO was away. That doesn't take away from the fact that he assumed DD was my responsibility and assumed it was okay to leave us for a week. It is harder to care for her without any break at all - and I commend those who do it on a regular basis. Since SO and I are together at this point, I think I should have a say in whether he leaves and puts all parenting responsibilities on me.

Thanks for the input ladies! As always, I appreciate your thoughts and time.

ladybug122 · May 2012

jgengo0:
You can't make him stay, but you can say the magic word.
I said this once to DH and he has honestly never stepped out of line again.
Get super calm...there can be no anger in your voice whatsoever.
" Honestly.., I am not even mad at you anymore...I am just so disappointed in you" and leave it at that.
When a guy sees that you are angry they know you are just mad for the moment. They are use to women "blowing up." When you are eerily calm it freaks them out.
No man likes to hear he is a disappointment. This has worked for myself as well as a lot of girlfriends who have used these words. I promise it will make him think.

Great point.

JuneBugsMommy · May 2012

I would leave it up to him to decide if he should go or not, but I wouldn't be happy either way. If he doesn't go I'd be pissed about the wasted money and if he goes I'd be pissed that he went. So it's a lose lose situation really.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this and that your relationship had been rocky but a serious sit down conversation definitely needs to be had!

Sunidaze · May 2012

Syncronicity09:
Sunidaze:
I don't get the chance for input.
Sure you do, this is a discussion board...we are discussing!

what i meant to say before i had to run so fast (dh was oot for training and i didn't know if he'd be back in time tonight to pick Peanut up from dc) was that i typically don't get input in when dh goes. His job and the national guard gets that input. I guess perhaps too we are a bit more lax with our comings and goings. As long as we know the other will be available to take care of stella. I'd add more to this but right now i am typing onne handed on my kindle.

Sunidaze · May 2012

And i do want to add that i actually look forward to the time dh is gone for a little bit.. always have (but i still hate third shift). It is not that i don't love him but i like my alone time as well....and too...there is additional benefits to absences. I didn't when stella was really young because i was scared to death to be alone with her but i quickly got over it. And now...that alone time is likely going away really soon because dh is facing medical discharge.

Syncronicity09 · May 2012

Sunidaze:
Syncronicity09:
Sunidaze:
I don't get the chance for input.
Sure you do, this is a discussion board...we are discussing!
what i meant to say before i had to run so fast (dh was oot for training and i didn't know if he'd be back in time tonight to pick Peanut up from dc) was that i typically don't get input in when dh goes. His job and the national guard gets that input. I guess perhaps too we are a bit more lax with our comings and goings. As long as we know the other will be available to take care of stella. I'd add more to this but right now i am typing onne handed on my kindle.

OK, good. That makes more sense. I was a bit confused...I thought you were offended!

kaitylin · May 2012

My DH was gone for 3 months when DD was a newborn for work. It was for something his job strongly encouraged him to do but he wasn't forced... he felt he needed to go to further his career and in his mind that was taking care of his family - by ensuring he was keeping a solid career... I wanted him to stay and felt him being at home was the right choice but ultimately I left it up to him (though I felt it was pretty obvious by my tone that I did not want him going) and then I was really hurt and mad when he told his work he was going... Yes, it sucks that he left her with me and I was so tired and stressed and suffered major PPA while he was gone so I agree that even though people can do it alone, it's definitely not ideal. Did I survive being alone with a newborn for 3 months with zero help - yes. But I was not happy about it and I don't think it's fair. By all means you should be able to bring that up with your DH. Does he want you to just hop on a plane for a week without consulting him and just leave him with your LO? I doubt it. I find that even with a lot of the moms I know, their DH's (even the ones that are a great help) still always just count on the mom to be the primary care giver and definitely just assume she will take care of LO... I think you need to have a talk with your DH about why he felt he needed to go (maybe he really does think he's supporting his family by broadening his knowledge but he needs to understand that his idea and your idea of 'support' may be different). I would let him go at this point but let him know how dissapointed you are and try to come up with a plan for the future for better communication. Also, you deserve a full weekend to relax when he gets back with him changing all diapers :-)

klingb52 · May 2012

I know that you said money is tight, but what about doing something for yourself that would take a while away while DH watched your LO. I know that my DH is always more supportive after he sees how difficult it is to watch DS on your own for an entire day. Perhaps just spending some time with a friend or window shopping. Heck, even running errands without LO.

Then, I would let him know that you are disappointed in the decision he made, but give him your blessing to go to the conference. Let him know (camly-not in anger) that in the future, these are the type of decisions you would like to make together.

One strategy that works really well with my DH is that we do dinner together one night a week after LO goes to bed. We cook together, eat together, and clean-up together. This gives us the opportunity to talk to each other calmly when LO is not distracting us. We can talk through big decisions at times like this. This sounds a little crazy, but I keep a little list throughout the week of what I would like to discuss while cooking.

MammaBear81 · May 2012

Sunidaze:
I understand your frustration in the fact that he didn't talk to you about going. However, I don't quite undertanding the 'would you let him go'. He is an adult, not your child and given that, I don't think this is really a question of whether or not you let him go. You can tell him you aren't pleased with him going, but I don't think you can demand he stay home.

Too, leave the issue of taking care of DD 'all alone' out of it. There are single moms on this board who do it frequently, there are plenty of other women on this board who have husbands that travel frequently for business. There are several women here who have traveled themselves and their husbands were able to handle care of their LOs 'all alone'. I have had to do this several times includine a 9 day stint before DD was even two months old. And DH has taken care of DD on his own when I took a long weekend away, and again when she had to spend a week home from daycare recently. So please, leave that part of the argument out of it.

I have to agree with this. I don't get the "OMG I have to do this ALONE" complaint. Would I be pissed that he did something without discussing he11 yeah! But you can't make him stay home, and if you tried I think you would just piss him off more, and make him lash out.

What you really need to do it figure out why he feels that he can disrespect you like that. There is a reason he keeps going to conferences and leaving your and the LO behind and you need to figure out why that is, and see if he wants to change his attitude. If not, you are in an uphill battle that you will never win and you will end up being bitter (if you aren't already). Sorry for being blunt, but it is what it is.

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