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June 2011 Moms
wootownlady
member
How do I tell a childless (not by choice) friend who has cancer that I'm pregnant (again) ?
wootownlady
member
My friend and coworker is 35, married for a year, and is childless beceause just as she and her DH were thinking about TTC, she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. She was diagnosed when my DD was 4-5 months old and she doesn't hardly acknowledge my child, or want to hear me talking to others about DD - which I completely understand. She wants a baby so badly, and instead gets cancer (she's been thru chemo, surgery and radiation now), and I have a baby everyone at the office is always asking about. Her situation is awful and I feel so bad for her.
Now that I'm pregnant again 11 months later and soon the whole office will find out - how do I handle her? Do I tell her separately - before she hears it from the rumor mill? Do I email her? Do I not say anything to her individually and just continue to be respectful of her feelings? Problem is - everyone always asks the preggo in the office how she's doing all the time, and it becomes a topic of conversation EVERYWHERE that she can't avoid, even if I try to curb it.
I just want to be kind and to let her process it on her own. Advise me please!
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Re: How do I tell a childless (not by choice) friend who has cancer that I'm pregnant (again) ?
Depending upon your relationship, I wouldn't say anything at all. It is better to have her approach you if anything.
If she is a close friend, I would tell her separately. Maybe over the phone, and definitely not at work. I would hate to have my friend find out something emotionally devastating at work where she has other people around and doesn't have a chance to react the way she needs to.
I know that you can't help how your office reacts to pregnant women, and I don't think that it is fair to you to expect you not to be able to enjoy it, but I would want to give her time to collect herself away from the office.
A friend of mine I have now had to tell twice that I am pregnant. The first time was after her and her husband had been trying for a year. A few weeks later they found out that her husband has Zero sperm and also has a growth on his pituitary gland and a few other markers for cystic fibrosis. They thought they would pursue IVF, but without sperm they would have to use a donor. They have now been trying for 3 years and a month before I got my BFP, she started having seizures and was diagnosed with epilepsy. Having biological or even adopted children may simply never be an option. She is one of a handful of people that already know. She would have been extremely hurt if I had held out the information from her and would have been hurt to know it through email.
I would tell her before anyone else in your office.I knew the earlier my friend new the better off it would be because I didnt want to keep her in the dark. Dont expect her to be excited for you, expect her to be hurt. At the same time she may surprise you because she might be looking for something happy in her life.
This is good advice and then the ball is in her court. If she is upset, she can take her time and either congratulate you or cry or scream, but she can do it her way at her pace.
This, if you are close I'd email her (so she can process on her own) but if you don't see her outside of work (which is what I consider the line on friends/coworkers) I wouldn't say anything at all.
It all depends on your relationship with her. If you're remotely close (even if just work close) I would tell her separately so she doesn't find out from anyone else. My initial thought is in person, face-to-face, but that may be hard for her so maybe an email or phone call, outside of work.
And you can maybe suggest to others around the office that you know it's really difficult for (insert her name) to listen to the constant coversation about babies, so please try to keep her thoughts in consideration. Tell them you're grateful for their concern, and always willing to talk about it, but you don't want her to feel any worse than she already does.
Tactfully though!
I would tell her by e-mail so she has a chance to process it on her own.
Also, in a separate e-mail, at a better time, maybe you could tell her about this organization:
https://www.babyquestfoundation.org/
A co-worker of mine and his wife couldn't get pregnant and after years of infertility and failed treatments found out they could only have a baby through a surrogate. They were lucky to have a friend volunteer and family help with the costs but after they had their daughter they started a non profit to help other couples who can't have children and can't afford treatments like IVF or a surrogate have a baby. They are giving out grants to couples to make surrogacy possible for couples who have run out of options (many couples getting the grants have had medical problems that have made it impossible to get pregnant). It can cover egg donation, surrogacy and IVF treatments. They have a fantastic organization and it sounds like your co-worker could really be a perfect match for their grants. I hate that people have to give up on a dream of having a child... that shouldn't happen to anyone and obviously she must be grieving deeply but there are options to help give people a chance!
I can honestly say, if its a really good friend - tread lightly. Not trying to scare you about it, but I had a similar situation with a really good friend. She and her husband TTC prior to us. I got pregnant within one month of us trying. I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out how to tell her because I was devistated to tell her and to have her see me be so happy and over the moon about it. She ended up finding out from her DH as my DH has a big mouth and told a couple of friends without my knowing. Well, our friendship went terribly south even though we talked about it what had happened, etc.
So, after a couple of years to blow over and to rekindle our friendship, I got pregnant with #2 and she STILL hadn't gotten pregnant. This time, I went right to her and she was the second person I told. We barely spoke my entire pregnancy, two days after my due date with #2, she called to tell me that she was pregnant with twins. I had my baby two weeks later, she came to the hospital for 10 minutes and that was the last that I have seen her (oh, aside from her baby shower - which is another story). I tried to be there for her during her pregnancy - cooked her soup when she had a kick ass cold that she couldn't get rid of, I offered her help, I offered her baby items that I didn't need anymore, none of which was appreciated.
She had her twins the end of January - I still haven't seen them. Up until the end of March she was still telling me that the doctor said no kids around the babies and nobody with kids that go to school, etc. around the babies. The weekend after she told me that the doc said a couple more weeks, I saw that she was at a party with about 10 kids. I haven't really spoken to her since. Really sad!
This!
BFP 11/18/13. EDD 7/25/14. It's a BOY!
Surprise BFP 7/30/13. EDD 4/7/14. Natural MC 8/24/13