If you have a 3-4yr old and a toddler/infant-

mavs_girl07 · May 2012

Do they understand how to be gentle with the younger sibling? DD and DS like to play rough together, and with DH. They love to play chase and "tag", but DD constantly gets way too rough with DS. But it's not rough in an "oops, I got overly excited way", it's like passive-aggressively rough. If I'm not looking, she'll shove him to the ground flat on his face, then look at me and say "What? I tagged him". It's pretty obvious to us that she does it on purpose.

Tonight was the worst incident yet...they love to play in his crib together. Typically they each just hold onto the rails and jump up and down together. So when I was getting DS ready for bed, DD climbed in and started jumping, so of course DS wanted in so he could do it too. I put him in with her, and they started happily bouncing. I went into the kitchen to get something, and on my way back down the hall I heard a really weird grunting/fussing sound from DS. It sounded really awful and scared me so I ran into his room and what did I see? He was flat on his stomach, face in the mattress, and DD was standing on his back bouncing on him. Indifferent I could.not.believe what I was seeing. I started yelling "What are you doing??? Get off of him!!" and picked him up out of the crib. He was breathing hard and clearly upset. I was absolutely shocked. DH came in and took over from there with DD while I finished calming DS and getting him ready for bed. Obviously they're not going to be left alone to play anymore, but I just can't get that image out of my head. She was bouncing on his back, laughing, and just having a grand ol' time while he clearly struggled underneath her. DH doesn't think she was trying to hurt him, but I'm not so sure. DD is very smart and has always been very mature for her age. She knows why it's important to be gentle, and she knows HOW to be gentle. But often times we see this part of her come out where she intentionally hurts DS. Is this common with older siblings at this age? Is this just some sibling rivalry coming through, or something else?

LoCarb · May 2012

This is common in our house too. DD1 knows to be gentle and how to do it but I will catch her rough housing. Likewise, DD2 is turning into a bully. Never at the same time. The other night, DD1 was playing w her puzzles & actually sharing. This didn't stop DD2 from taking other pieces and leaning her weight on her. I was surprised this started at such a young age.

shouldbworkin · May 2012

Same here. Not to that extent yet, but she can't even say hi to him gently. She just cannot control her emotions around him and gets over excited and rough. DS (6) is much better at it and, in general, is much more in control of his emotions than she is.

mavs_girl07 · May 2012

Thanks for your responses, it makes me feel better. I'm still pretty upset by what she did this evening. She could have REALLY hurt him, and I'm so thankful that I went back to his room when I did and didn't take longer to go back to them. But it's nice to know other big brothers/sisters are having trouble controlling themselves.

thanxbaby · May 2012

We are dealing with this too but DS is only 2 months and it scares me! DD has always been a little rough but she gets excited and just can't control herself with DS. Ugh, I was hoping it would only get better.

Jen&Len · May 2012

The same thing happens at our house. I came out of the kitchen once to see DS using DD's head on the ground as a step stool to reach something. But now that she's a little older and stronger, she's starting to fight back and he is much less rough with her now knowing that he could get bitten/scratched by her. Of course, violence on her part is not great either, and she gets her fair share of time outs...but he hardly ever acts aggresively towards her anymore.

Court0026 · May 2012

Very familiar and I am shocked at what they do that seems so wrong to me, but just natural to them (like jumping on each other). My DD, who is 19 months younger, has always done things to aggravate my DS. ALWAYS. I didn't realize the sibling stuff was going to start so early. I think it is a combo of just natural sibling stuff, rivalry, age-related issues, frustration, playing and who knows what else. You are definitely not alone!

Mrs.Greeko · May 2012

I don't think it is that abnormal. All the handouts my pedi gives say to never leave younger siblings alone with older siblings. Things like this are probably why. Both my older girls sometimes do things to the baby that seem meant to me, but they don't see it that way. Just this morning my middle DD was shoving her fingers in DSs mouth and he was gagging. He chews on mommy's fingers so why not hers? i was even sitting right there when she did it.

NativeNyer · May 2012

Ditto on the "never leave the older sibling alone with the younger sibling".

My DS at 4 was standing on DS 1.5 yrs old bottom - while poor DS (1.5) was face down pinned flat on the floor crying.

I have to constantly tell old DS to play gentle. It's starting to change now that younger DS is fighting back. He recently bit older DS on the back. Now older DS respects him and leaves him alone for the most part.

704bride · May 2012

DS2 isn't as old as yours, but DS1 can definitely get too rough with him because he gets excited and I don't think he completely gets the reasons why he needs to be more gentle. He has definitely never tried to hurt him on purpose, but he has done things on purpose to our dogs on many occasions. For example, I caught him pulling very hard on our dog's tail for at least several seconds even though he knows not to do that. We usually just have him go in a time-out and have recently started taking toys away for various reasons. Taking his toys away seems like it has a bigger impact. Just today, when I gave him one back, he said he wasn't going to do the thing that caused him to lose it again and totally remembered exactly why he lost it, even though I had completely forgotten what it was. I'm all for logical consequences, but it's hard to think of one for hurting your brother, so punishments seem to fit better. I would probably also mention it to your pediatrician to see what he/she suggests.

Princess_Lily · May 2012

I have a 3yo but no 2nd yet.

However to chime in, I think its normal for this type of behavior to happen especially when there is a gap in age like that. At least it was normal in our home.

Eventually the siblings do "get" what not to do...but it comes later, at least it did in our home. I was older and my brother is 3 years younger. Of course I played nice around the parents, but I was a little rouger/pushy when they weren't around. I don't remember why I did it...maybe it was a jealousy thing? My parents were equally affectionate with the both of us. Also my brother had medical needs which needed more attention when we were younger, but as a child, you don't understand that. You just know that your sibling is getting more attention than you.

I think with time all things will work out, don't worry.

My brother and I are quite close now. I think motherhood has softened me more than it ever has. Just keep encouraging for them to play nice, and of course discipline when needed - it will click eventually.

Remember children at 3 & 4 are very "egocentric" and the world revolves around them (they think) they have more "parallel play" (play independent of others - sharing is hard, etc.) Just keep encouraging them to play nice with eachother...

At age 4+ they start to form groups of friends, playground where they play with others, etc. learning to play nice is important (sharing toys, etc.)

sunnyday016 · May 2012

My DD pretty much completely ignores DS, which in some ways makes me sad but in other ways is kind of a relief. I'm sure in a few months I'll have to worry about this though!

Meeshe · May 2012

I have a 4.5 year old and an 18 month old and even though my oldest is very sweet, I still feel like I'm constantly correcting her with the baby. Sometimes it's that she gets over excited and just isn't careful. Sometimes it's more intentional. I think it's all normal. They're still testing boundaries and learning consequences.

Also just recently my youngest has started pulling a trick where he goes in to hug her and then gradually the hug turns to pushing her. It's actually funny to see but she gets all upset and says "No pushing!" and she knows she can't push him back. So even the younger ones learn to protect themselves pretty early.

Jinsy80 · May 2012

They can be pretty rough with each other. DD1 is 4 1/2, DD2 is almost 18 months. The baby will crawl (doesn't walk yet) onto DD1 and start to "wrestle". They be rolling around and stuff...i'm not really concerned if they're on the rug. To tell you the truth, the baby will hurt DD1. She tends to pull hair (plus scratch) and doesn't know her own strength. She has a lot of delays, so she's more like a 11-12 month old. DD1 is generally good, but I know she's smacked the baby once or twice before and pushed her down too roughly. The baby is super tall though, so she'll be outsizing DD1 soon.

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