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Blended Families
Home alone for summer
Okay, I've posted a time or two, but I'd like some input/advice on our current situation. SS11 stays with us every other week for a full week during the summer. In the past (pretty much every summer since he started school), he has been signed up for the camp program through the school as summer "daycare". It's one of those things where they take a fieldtrip or have an activitiy every day. So DH has been asking BM for over a month where SS will be spending the summer during the days and trying to figure out if he'll be attending this camp program. She ignored his questions until this past weekend (last day of school was Monday) when she finally replied that she is letting him stay home by himself all day during her weeks with him.
Now, I know we cannot dictate what goes on at her house, but my DH and I both think SS is too immature to be left at home all day by himself. (For example, I'm not confident he could use the microwave on his own to heat something up.) Plus, we don't feel like he should sit at home in front of the TV and video games all day. So now we've had to find an alternate plan for our weeks since we missed the deadline for the school camp and we would have had to pay for the whole summer with that option. Thankfully, we did find an option similar that's close to us and we can do and pay for part-time care.
So DH is mad that we are having to pay for this camp out of pocket when the CS is supposed to cover child care (which she will not be paying since he's staying home). What do you all think, does he have a right to be mad about it or is it one of those sorry, but you just have to suck it up and pay both? He thinks he's just going to take the amount out of her CS check. I have advised him that is not the way to go about it, but just looking for input.
On a side note, at what age would you let your kids stay home by themselves for the summer?
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Re: Home alone for summer
I would not let my child stay home alone all summer at age 11. I know it's just during the day but I would not do it. I think 11 is too young.
I would let my kids stay home at 13 but even then I like to call and check in sometimes. My sister would also drop by. They were never alone every day all summer because I didn't want them playing video games all day every day.
The CS issue I don't know. I assume the CS pays support for when he is with her. If you sign him up for a camp while he is with you I don't see why that amount would be removed from the cheque. I wouldn't take anything out of CS without a lawyer or judge saying it's ok. Was it money specifically set aside for summer camp as in a case where for the last month the CS was higher to pay for camp? IF not then I would assume you can't take it out.
EDIT I want to stress I don't know what would be legal and proper to do with CS, I gave only my opinin.
This.
Generally unless your CO states otherwise, CS only covers your DH's portion of what the court thinks the costs are while your SS is at BM's home. Anything SS needs while at your home is still your DH's responsibility including child care. However, it's completely possible that this was addressed in the CO & agreed on by your DH & BM - I strongly suggest talking to your attorney to make sure before taking it out of the CS check.
a lot of states have laws in place that say at what age a child can stay home alone and for how many hours, I would start by checking if it is legal in your state for SS to stay home by himself. I agree, I would NOT want him staying home alone.
As for the CS, I agree with PP, you are responsible for the costs when SS is at your house, if you need daycare then you need to pay for it. in the past did BM pay for the entire summer camp? or did you split the cost?
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I don't think I would allow my kids to stay home by themselves at the age of 11. There are laws in some states about this so you might want to check that out. If he can't even warm up food how is he going to eat the entire day. I wouldn't allow it but every parent is different.
As far as CS I don't think he should remove the amount from the CS check. He might find himself in trouble on that one so I wouldn't risk. You might just have to suck it up and put up with the extra expense this summer.
I agree, I think 11 is too young, which is why we're not doing it, but I don't think we can stop her plans.
As for the CS amount, it is a set amount he pays all year, but if you look at the breakdown of the monthly amount, a portion of it is for daycare. Since its broken out this way, she is responsible for paying the weekly amount for whatever program he's in. DH is mad that he's paying her for daycare that she's not paying for and then on top of that we have to pay additional amounts out of pocket. I do get why he is mad, but I'm with you, I just don't think he can decide to take it out.
He pays CS out of a separate account of his own so I'm not sure how much I can do here.
At 12 I started staying home all day during the summer w/ my sisters (9 and 6). My grandparents were about half a mile away, and my dad would generally come and check on us at lunch.
We were allowed to play in the backyard, but not allowed to go into the pool. We also were not allowed to open the door to a stranger, and if some type of maintenance (a/c, tv, whatever) was scheduled to be done, my dad would come home to meet the guy.
We did fine.
But I think this is a case-by-case type thing about more than just the child's maturity. What is the house like? Are there neighbors who know the kid nearby? How far away are mom or dad if there's an emergency?
As far as your other questions, sorry, but most NCPs have to pay CS even during the weeks they have custody of the child. And there are good reasons for that. My XH is going to have DS for 2 weeks in August, and if he took it upon himself to cut his CS check in half, I would see him in court.
If you know he's going to be left alone some at his mom's house, my suggestion would be to start teaching him how to do things. At 11, he really should know how to make a sandwich, warm up pizza in the microwave, make a plate of leftovers, find a band-aid if he scrapes his knee, clean up after himself, etc. My 7 year-old DS can do these things.
Some hospitals have programs to help kids be ready to stay home alone. Others have "safe sitter" type programs that teach cpr but also touch on home safety. I would call and see if there's anything in your area. Because while you can't dictate what happens in her home, you can help make sure the kiddo is better prepared.
My DD is 10, going into 6th grade in the fall and I would NOT let her stay home alone all day long. I am considering letting her walk home after school in 6th grade and waiting for me to get home from work. I've started "prepping" her and teaching her some independence. Like how to operate the microwave, get her self things that she needs, cleaning up after herself..etc. When she complains about it, I reminder that she needs to prove to me that she is mature enough to be home for a couple of hours alone, then she straightens up her attitude.
But home alone all day, during the summer sounds awful. Even if he is mature and responsible, how boring!!!
As far as the CS issue, I think he should discuss this with the ex before short changing her.
Yeah, I checked our state. We don't have a guideline, which is unfortunate...I was hoping we could actually make a case as to why he shouldn't stay home during her weeks.
I think I finally got DH talked into at least calling the attorney. He really thinks he's right on this one, but I'm with all of you, I don't think he should just be doing whatever he thinks is right with the CS.
Absolutely has a right to be upset, but we were told it's just the way it is. We now have primary custody but when BM had custody, DH got the kids for a full month in the summer. Child support was still paid to BM - even though she did not have the kids that month - and at the time we felt the kids were too young to stay alone, so for several summers we paid hundreds in day camp costs PLUS child support that BM used for her tan, nails, hair and clothes. It was infuriating. During HER time in the summer, she had them home alone all day - oldest was 11, youngest was 4. This was absolutely unacceptable to us, and though there are no laws of a certain age, she knew it wasn't safe to have the 11 year old in charge of the 4 year old all day and after stern words from DH she put the younger ones in day care and just had the older two home.
Several years later, the oldest is now 14 and youngest 8 - we feel comfortable in the older ones ability to handle things if they are home alone during our time in the summer. We started leaving them home alone when the oldest was 13. We have strict schedules they follow, menus already planned out, no stove/oven use, separate times to play games to minimize fighting, etc. But it definitely is based on their maturity - there is one of my stepkids I would have felt comfortable leaving home alone at 11, and another that is nearly a teenager I still am not that trusting of quite yet.