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just having a bad day....

Whales124Whales124 member
in Infertility

I'm just having a bad day, crying at work kinda day.  I think the stress of everything has just boiled over. 

First issue, my mom had her knee replaced today and I couldn't take the day off because I'm swamped at work and have been taking so much time of for RE appts.  She doesn't even know I'm doing IVF right now so I feel like a bad daughter.  I'm mad at myself that I wasn't at the hospital, but she is out and everything is fine.  I guess I was just so worried with her being under that something would happen.

Second issue, I'm just really having doubts that this cycle worked.  My friend at work is my truth serum and she pulled it out of me that I just have this sinking feeling that IVF is just not gonna work for us.  I was gung-ho for my first cycle, but after that and the FET failed I just have a really hard time totally giving myself over to the idea that it's going to work.  Self preservation I guess - it's just so devasting when it doesn't that I can't get my hopes up. 

Ugh - I know this is soooo bad, I haven't even uttered these concerns outloud to DH.  I feel bad even typing them and the tears are coming to my eyes.

I need some help ladies - how do I pull myself out of this rut???

Vent over - thanks for reading if you still are!

~ Me, 30 DH, 32 ~ TTC since Oct 2009 septum resection 3/2010 stage IV endo 8/2011 IVF #1 1/25/12, 2 transferred, 2 frozen - BFN FET 2/22/12, 2 transferred - BFN IVF#2 5/12, transferred 3, froze 5, BFP! Beta 1: 151, Beta 2: 282 Cerclage placed @ 17 weeks due to shortening cervix, modified bed rest until delivery SAIF/PAIF always welcome image It's a girl! ~ Clare was born 1/31/13
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Re: just having a bad day....

  • BzeetyDBzeetyD member

    So sorry you're feeling so low. ((((((((Hugs)))))))))

    I'm sorry you're feeling conflicted about being there for your mom. IF takes its toll on every aspect of our lives and that's what makes it so difficult. Can you send her some get well flowers or bring over some pre-cooked meals or something to make yourself feel like a "good daughter"?

    Doubts about cycles are hard. I admit to not knowing exactly how you're feeling as I've only had 1 failed IVF cycle so far.  It seems like everyone goes through a mental letdown after ET. I hope it turns around for you.

    Can you take a mini-break and if it's nice go outside for a little walk?

    Can you listen to some calming or energizing music to help you feel better?

    Can you give yourself some kind of treat today? A decaf latte or a special something?

    What about poking around on SAIF or PAIF for some hope? Or sometimes reading birth stories makes me feel hopeuful. But for some it could have the opposite effect.

    We're here with hugs (also I just typed "jugs", and we've got those too!)

    Vent all you want.

     

    BzeetyD = 38, Mr. BzeetyD = 44 together 12/02 married 9/08
    TTC #1 since 1/10
    DX: Unexplained/??? MFI issues

    Our lil' lost sparks:
    5w3d loss 7/30/10 - EDD March 2011
    8w loss 4/15/11 - EDD November 2011
    8w3d loss 8/2/12 - EDD March 2013
    4w c/p loss 10/29/12 - EDD July 2013

    Long story: trying on our own + testing testing testing with 6 rounds of Clomid, more testing, injectables + TI, laparoscopy - one tube blocked, 2 IUIs with Follistim...BFNs.
    RPL testing all normal, Karyotyping normal

    Moving on to IVF.

    IVF #1 April 2012 = BFN, IVF #2 June 2012 = BFP. U/S 7/23 = saw heartbeat but measuring behind. Follow up U/S on 7/30 - no heartbeat. D&C 8/2. Trisomy 12. IVF #3 Oct 2012 = Chemical Pregnancy

    Phone consult with CCRM on 12/12/12 - ODWU 1/4/13 - both tubes clear(!) - AFC 24, AMH 3.2, FSH 9.6, LH 5.4, E2 25. DH has high frag rate but improved!
    IVF #4 March 2013 CCRM. EP protocol w/ Menopur, Gonal-F & Dexamethasone. ER 3/29 & IMSI, PICSI. 43R 13M 10F 6blasts bio'd. CCS testing reveals 3 normals!!!
    FET 5/31/13 of 1 4AA blast - thawed and expanded. 4dp5dt BFP.
    Beta 9dp5dt = 181, 11dp5dt = 427. 1st u/s showed a healthy heartbeat! EDD 2/16/14

    After 4 years of hoping and heartbreak, our sweet little bean was born on 2/19/14
    We are so in love with her.

    "I'm not telling you it's going to be easy, I'm telling you it's going to be worth it."

    Everybody is welcome!!!
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  • DoublePortionDoublePortion member
    That's a lot to deal with at once! ((hugs)) I just keep telling myself to avoid thoughts of IVF not working, to keep my thoughts neutral so I don't get my hopes up and don't get anxious either. That can be harder said than done, but I try not to focus on the outcome...only on the process and what I can control at this moment. I hope your day gets better!!

    ***signature & ticker warning***

    Me: 30 ~ Stage IV Endo ~ AMH .38 ~ AFC 8
    AMH .97 as of 4/2012! ~ AMH 1.63 as of 4/2013!?!
    Him: 29 ~ perfect swimmers
    Laparotomy w/partial oophorectomy 8/2009 to remove cysts/endo.
    Stopped BCP 4/2010.
    Multiple clomid rounds from 11/2010 to 6/2011. ~ All BFN
    IUI w/clomid 7/2011. IUI w/clomid & injectables 11/2011 & 1/2012. ~ All BFN
    IVF:EPP 5/2012 ~ (4R, 3M, 2F w/ICSI). Both embryos txfrd. ~ BFN
    BCP to manage endo from 10/2012 to 12/2012.
    FET w/donor embryos #1: 10/2013 Cancelled
    FET w/donor embryos #1.2: 11/2013     ~ ET of 2 beautiful blasts on 11/27.
    Beta 1: 503(12dp5dt) Beta 2: 1035(14dpt) Beta 3: 3001(16dpt)     Beta 4: 8503(19dpt)
    Twins with an EDD of 8/15/14! Team Purple
    G&B born 6/30/14 at 33w3d via emergency c/s.

    If you're wondering about my avatar...it's a fried pickle chip shaped like a fetus!

    image

    image
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  • crt0323crt0323 member
    I've been feeling the same way. I had my lowest of lows on Sunday. I was just laying in bed sobbing uncontrollably. Poor dh, tried so hard to comfort me but I just couln't stop. I started having AF-like cramps on Sunday and they haven't stopped. This has me really worried. Also, my beta isn't until June 1st which is 15dp3dt. Everyone else seems to have their betas done earlier. My first thought was that my RE already knew it was going to be a failed cycle so he scheduled my beta later knowing that AF would come before. I'm sure I'm over thinking the situation somewhat but it is so hard to stay positive when nothing else has worked. Lots of hugs and thoughts and prayers to you!
    Me- 26 DH-32
    TTC since August 2010
    Unexplained Infertility
    5 rounds of clomid and 4 rounds of tamoxifen = BFN
    IUI #1 - Jan 2012 with Tamoxifen - BFN IUI #2 - Feb 2012 Cancelled :(
    IVF #1- May 2012: BFP on 05/29/12!! 06/01 Beta #1= 122 06/04 Beta #2 74 :( - C/P
    06/07/12 = BFN Moving onto IVF #2 August 2012
    22 retrieved, 13 fertilized, none to freeze
    Transferred two embies on 08/19. Beta 1 is 08/31 Beta #1-122 Beta #2- 541
    1st U/S 09/12- 1 sac!
    Praying this is my take home baby!
    image
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    BabyFruit Ticker
    My Blog!
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  • delinodelino member
    I think bad days are part of this mindfvck of a game that IVF is.  It's such a rollercoaster of emotions and it can hit you all at once when you're least expecting it.  I agree with what Bzeety suggested...try to do something to lift your spirits.  Spend time with your mom when you get out of work.  You're not a bad daughter at all.  (((HUGS)))
    3 ectopic pregnancies (EDD's 1/30/12-tube removed, 6/2/12-methotrexate and 10/2/12-methotrexate)
    IVF and Natural FET resulted in BFN's and a hole in our wallets
    Natural BFP #4 on 9/7/12 gave us our miracle on 5/18/13
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
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  • christy2125christy2125

    (((Hugs))) I know it's rough, I've been going through similar stuff lately. My mom just had knee surgery too and I'm freaking out about this cycle working. I don't know how your husband is dealing with this but can I say that when I have been freaking out my hubby has been great to calm my fears.

    I am so sorry you are going through all this right now, try to take it easy, I love some of Breezy's ideas for getting your mind off things.  

    TTC 6 years three m/c during that time 5/11 Ruptured Ectopic - Lost left tube and a normal baby boy 2/12 IVF #1 BFN - Very poor egg quality... :( 5/12 IVF #2 Hoping for the best! Est ET 5/11-5/18 BFN Decided to move on to adoption to complete our family!
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  • winofairywinofairy
    I am so sorry you are having a bad day!  HUGE (((HUGS)))
    BabyFruit Ticker

    06.10.12 +HPT 06.12.12 Beta #1 = 2,770 06.14.12 Beta #2 = 6,300
    1st U/S 06.18.12 2nd U/S 06.25.12
    09.24.12 It's a Boy!! ---> Jacob Owen

    Our IF Journey Began: October 2009
    **8 Failed IUI's, 1 Blighted Ovum, & 1 Failed IVF**
    Dx: MFI, DOR w/MTHFR Homozygous A1298C & Hypothyroidism
    03.2012 Lab Results: FSH 6.83 AMH 0.67 TSH 3.8 E2 17
    SA 156 million 93% motility 3% morphology

    Follow Me on Pinterest
    **~PAIF/SAIF Always Welcome~**
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  • Jezebell26Jezebell26 member
    Big giant hugs to you! I know what that feels like and the best I can say is to take time for you. Sometimes you need to cry it out and feel better, but work isnt the place. I have been known to have whine fests as soon as I walk through the door before DH gets home. I also keep a blog to help me get all my feelings out. I have it private though (I think lol) I also see a therapist and pour myself some wine occasionally. I hope you are able to do something nice for yourself and that you snap out of your funk soon! HUGS!
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  • jessi1988jessi1988

    Sorry you're having a rough time today! We ended up telling our families about our IF situation and honestly, it has helped me a lot. My Mom and sister have been wonderful when I'm having a down day. I couldn't imagine them not knowing and wondering why I'm so depressed lately. I'm glad your Mom made it out of her surgery well, maybe after work you can pop in with flowers or something and have a nice visit with her. My Mom (as crazy as she is sometimes) makes me feel better when I'm feeling down... 

    I don't have much advice other than I can sort of relate to where you're coming from, but I haven't even done IVF yet.. I just have this feeling its going to be a bust and I'm gonna lose my marbles. . . FWIW I hope you're wrong about this cycle! ps. a mani/pedi or dinner out tonight with DH might make you feel a little better!! :) 

    HUGS, here's to better days ahead! 

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  • AquaFlowersAquaFlowers
    Sorry you're having a rough day! ((((Hugs)))))
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Lilypie Premature Baby tickers Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers
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