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Blended Families
Holly_1007
member
am I doing the right thing? (long...)
Holly_1007
member
I let DH go on the trip to SC to interview for the job. (even though his mom paid for it behind my back and he told me the job was paying for it)
He did awesome. turns out it wasn't an interview but a PT test, and they refused to do an interview when he was there. I was a little taken aback by this, you would think they would have something set in place for long distance candidates where he would do everything at once.
100 people did the PT test and 35 were selected for interviews. DH was one of the 35 selected, we got the notification yesterday. I'm definitely proud of DH for making it this far but I have a few holdups.
when he first told me he wanted to move I told him I would entertain him looking for a new job but we don't have any money to put into it (which is why he went behind my back and had MIL pay for his first trip) Also, I'm 5 months pregnant, and have a 2 yr old and 2 dogs under three. and then there's SD(6) who would NOT be making the move with us.
he talked to the Srgt who is in charge of the hiring and told him that he cannot afford to fly down again, he already met the guy, met a bunch of the big people while he was down there, would they entertain a phone interview or skype? and the Srgt said no you need to be in person. his last trip cost over $1k. we just don't have it. He's talking about how he can borrow money from his grandmother (who has alzheimers and forgets she lends him money and never asks for it back) and I'm pretty much standing firm at this point. the deal when he started was either the jobs pay or it doesn't happen.
Part of me was hoping he wouldn't get selected for an interview so we didn't even have to have this discussion. part of me wants to move to get the f away from MIL (who is a HUGE problem in our marriage)
If he gets selected for the job he will do a training academy for 3 months in sept (at a reduced wage) He would maybeeeee get 1-2 days off when the baby is born (vs the 6wks he gets if we don't move) that also puts us moving in august, at 8 months pregnant (with said other child and dogs). We don't have the money to "float" our house up here, if it doesn't sell right away we are screwed. we would have to rent when we first move down there and then we could buy after he is finished his academy, which means not just 1 move, but potentially 2 within a year.
and then lets not even talk about the fact that we will in deed be leaving SD behind (and somehow he's okay with that?) and we have been in the process of trying to go back to court to amend the CO for the past 7 months to get MORE visitation with her.
well I guess that got long and rambly (but lets face it, you guys are used to it with my posts haha) so am I doing the right thing with not letting him pursue this any further?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: am I doing the right thing? (long...)
Honestly this is disgusting. Not only does he want to move really far away from his child, he wants to move so far that he can't even afford to go back and forth to visit. IN addition, he would like to scam his own grandmother to get the money to get this started.
How does he justify leaving his daughter behind? How is it better for her to lose her father? Parents make sacrifices for their children and maybe not taking this job he wants so that he can maintain a relationship with a child he helped create would be a good one to make.
EDIT My point, you are doing the right thing. EDIT I don't know the history here but I think a wife would have a say in what her husband does, not the final say but some influence. I think telling him you don't want him to go would be the right thing. Making more money is great but so is not abandoning your child.
It sounds like you have some sort of master / slave relationship with your DH.
Maybe he is trying to leave YOU and that's why he lied about it.
Your DH can do what he likes, he can interview, borrow money from his mom (who are you to dictate that relationship anyhow?), travel, move whatever - its his life.
You get to make your own decisions, like will you go with him, will you support him etc.
From your last post I got that your DH was ling to you because he was afraid to tell you the truth.
You should probably take a look at what kind of relationship you are creating with your husband.
ahh I guess I should add the whole reason I'm even somewhat considering it is because of the LCOL down there (compared to here) and he would get a pretty significant salary increase once he graduates the academy in 3 months...
our relationship is currently a trainwreck, thanks for point that out.
I agree he gets to make his own decisions, that's what I'm questioning is weather or not to support him and said decisions.
I already told him to leave me when the whole lying situation broke through, he claims that's not what he wants.
sure he can borrow money from people, then when they come to collect and we're dead ass broke and can't put food on our table then what? I'm trying to avoid this situation by telling him that I don't approve of him borrowing money from people. because we don't have it to pay back.
thank you for the other point of view, though. I do appreciate all opinions, that's why I ask for them
LCOL? Money isn't everything. I don't care how cheap a place is to live I would never move away from my child for something so simple as money. Unless you were on the verge of being homeless and this was the only job opportunity but it doesn't sound like that at all. The situation just sounds really selfish on his part. But I agree with the PP, you can't dictate what he does, only what you will/won't do as a result of his choices.
Wow I could have written this myself, except FI just applied for a job in SC and everything you're going through is what I'm afraid of. I'm 5 months pregnant with a great career job here, we have a 4yr old and 7yr old, and he'd be leaving 9yr old SD here. I own our house here and doubt it would sell quick without taking a hit.
How is your job where you are? I'm the bread-winner so his new job would have to be pretty amazing for me to even consider quitting. Like maybe I'd only need to work part-time in SC or something. It's too risky to try and relocate my career for the sake of his job if it's just a job.
So I guess that's where I would stand at the point you're at. GL I'm curious what happens!
I completely agree. I don't agree with him leaving SD behind AT ALL, but its not my kid and not my decision.
and fwiw no we are not on the verge of being homeless, we are just VERY tight financially and he HATES his current job.
The only way I would move my family would be if it increased our household income by 30-40% plus a generous relocation package
Reduced pay training and having to pay your own way to interviews sounds like he's really not being pursued. I'd tell him he can drive down and make the move but you're staying right where you are. No offense but him putting out a bunch of money to move sounds completely ridiculou considering his family situation right now. Sounds like he's trying to run away from something.
I'm a SAHM. I have a degree in accounting and the city we live in has 12 colleges. even if I tried to get a job the fact that I have a child/ am pregnant throws me right out of the job market. I would have to travel to get a decent job.
thanks! gl to you as well!
when he is finished with the academy his income would increase drastically, and also I would be more eligible for work down there, I currently don't work.
We don't even have that kind of gas money for him to drive down to the interview... thanks for the input
What kind of job is this? I don't understand the various acronyms (PT, etc). Anyway, I think there are a lot of red flags, sorry to say.
1. I don't get why he is agreeing to spend money to go back to court for more parenting time, and simultaneously he is planning to move away from his dd and have zero parenting time. This sounds like a man seriously conflicted, because he is doing two totally opposite things at the same time. Did he really want more custody or was that driven primarily by you?
2. I remember a long time ago when there were serious communication issues with your dh and bm... he was not remembering what she said to him and not communicating it to you properly. I hypothesized at the time that he may have been doing this on purpose because he did not want to be honest with you, because he was possibly afraid of your reaction because you seem a bit controlling. I think this seems to be the dynamic in your relationship, based on what has happened since then (him lying about the circumstances of the job, about wanting a vasectomy, about almost being suspended at his current job etc). I think before you move away from your support network of family and friends you need couples therapy to get to a healthier place. Moving is not going to just magically fix everything- I don't think the problem is your MIL, the problem seems to be unhealthy communication.
3. When a job wants you, they pay for travel. If they don't want you, they don't. If you are stretched that thin, I definitely do not agree with paying for multiple trips to compete with many others for a job. Also, the challenge of selling your house will be a big one in this economy. It sounds like you will end up worse off financially than you are now, at least for the first couple of years. Combine bad finances, a shaky marriage, a new infant, and being in s strange place with no support system and it seems like a recipe for divorce, sorry to say.
4. With an accounting degree, it seems you would have so many options for flexible work. Where I am located, many accounting moms work at home or do free-lance work... it is one of the best careers for flexibility for moms in my area at least. I would not count it out as a way to help financially.
5. What ever happened with the pill you found- what did your dh say about that (I am pretty sure that was you). Have you made an apt for therapy?
6. Finally and most importantly to me, I would not be able to be with or be supportive of a man who chose to move away from his child for no good reason... because right now there is no good reason. He has a job, you are not on the brink of losing your house. His child should be #1... and for some reason she is not and that is disturbing. I echo Phantom's thoughts... could he be trying to get away from all of you (BM, dd#1, you and your kids), esp since he lied to you about it? Is he having a 'mid life crisis' type moment?
I am sorry you have so much going on right now. Even if he does not agree to therapy, I think it might be helpful for you. You can talk about what you might be able to change and impact in the relationship.
You said that your relationship is a trainwreck right now. Moving is not going to fix that and all I see happening is you being in my situation. I moved from Colorado to Pennsylvania with my exH (BF). We had DS, we divorced, he rushed to file custody to keep me from moving back to Colorado with DS. (I had no intention because I didn't want DS to be without either of his parents but not everyone is like me so I get why he did that.) I got to file custody first but we agreed on 50/50, but it was a majorly stressful/nightmarish week. But here I am in PA, no family, none of my long term friends, and for a long while nothing but me and DS. Now I have my FI and a new baby on the way but it still really sucks wanting nothing more than to essentially go home but I can't. I refuse to leave DS and I can't take him with me since he was born here and our custody is filed here.
Don't put yourself in that situation with a new baby. It is hard, really hard and I would be planning for worst case scenarios with a move like that.
OP, can he go for training, while you stay home with the kids? Working toward selling the house and moving down there later, perhaps when he is done training? Not ideal, since you will have a new baby, but you won't be the first person to move with an infant (and my god that would suck). Nothing about this situation is ideal though. If you hold him back from pursuing his dream, he will resent you for it. Of you, stand back and encourage him to do this, which in turn creates more financial hardship for your family, you will resent him. See where I am going with this? Why can't he go to Police academy closer to home (that's what he is doing right?)? I would also think that with a city large enough to support 12 colleges, there would be ample job opportunities for you, pregnant or not.
yes, police officer position.
I thought about asking him to go down for training and me staying here, but that still involves him getting the job (which he still needs to interview for and we don't have the money for him to go back down there)
that would ALSO require us to have 2 seperate households, we're barely making ends meet with one.
we live in mass, there has been one "state" academy in 5 yrs and you needed to score a 100+ on the exam, DH did well, but not 100+. He has already taken a part time police academy and can work part time for any town in the state, he has been looking for 2 yrs and no one is hiring (plus we need him to work full time). none of the towns even remotely near us are hiring full time.
I don't want to hold him back from pursuing his dream, that is where I'm conflicted. at the same time, asking me to move 8 months pregnant, into a marginally better financial position but 9+ hrs from my family (by car) sucks.
I've been looking for a job since I was fired when I was pregnant with DS (so 2 yrs) I cannot find any part time work, and the full time work would put me working and traveling 9-11 hrs a day. with DH working nights he wouldn't be able to care for DS that long during the day, and we cannot afford to put him in daycare.
No, I wouldn't move. Just the housing issue would be a dealbreaker for me. Unless you have a great house in a great location. there is almost no chance that it would sell quickly.
I live in a good school district in a desirable location, and houses here still sit on the market for six months.
And I can also tell you that doing this could be really hard on your marriage. XH and I had an okayish marriage when we moved away from our friends and family, and everything went downhill really fast. I thought it would be a fresh start, but for me, it was isolating and depressing.
Like you, we were sort of breaking even financially, and I wanted to get away from my MIL since my XH is/was a huge mama's boy. XH was offered a job that was twice the money he was making, and we decided to go for it.
But I missed my job, my friends, my house, my routine. XH missed his old job, his parents, and he wound up hating his new job.
We separated less than a year after we moved. It wasn't because of the move, but the whole thing just stressed an already not great relationship, and it broke.
It sounds like you know this is a terrible idea, and you're just hoping someone can help you convince yourself it could work out?
Good points felles
Another thing I will say is... if your DH will move away from SD without a second thought he will move away from your kids the same way.
I think your best bet would be to focus on fixing your marriage in the hope that it does not come to that.
I know its an awful idea, but I just feel bad at "killing his dreams" guess I was just looking for justification that his "dream" is in reality a nightmare for everyone else involved (me, SD, DS, & baby)
his relationship with SD is MUCH different than with DS. he never bonded with SD when she was little. BM filed for separation when SD was 4 months old and moved out and wouldn't let DH see her until the divorce was finalized. (about 6 months) then when it was finalized she said she didn't approve of his living environment and his visitation had to be at his moms house, (this was squeezed into the CO the day it was signed grr) his mom, instead of encouraging and helping him be the best father he could be, took complete advantage of the situation that she got her granddaughter every other weekend to do whatever she wanted with. it wasn't until I met DH when SD was 2.5 that I encouraged him to take charge of his relationship with her.
anyway. I don't THINK he will up and leave DS (no idea about this baby though) but who knows.
thanks. I think I do too. I'm just scared. trying to take things one day at a time. working on finding a therapist. I don't want to give up without thinking I did everything I could for my kids sake...
It sounds like a lot of excuses as to why he would abandon his daughter and why he wouldn't do this to your child. FIrst, he should have fought for his rights with his daughter. A judge (at least whereI live) will not grant supervise visitations or visitations only at the grandparent's house unless there is a reason the parent shouldn't be alone with the child or something else is wrong. They don't do it because one parent doesn't approve of his living arrangement. A judge wouldn't give control to his mother over him for no reason, no matter what he says.
He shouldn't need his mom to encourage him to be the best he could be, he needed to go to court and get his rights and be a good father all on his own. He shouldn't need you encouraging him to be a father either. She is 6 now, he's had time to bond and to be honest, it seems as though he would want to make up for lost time.
I don't know the back story like other posters here but I would not trust this man not to abandon my children if he's already shown he will abandon another child.
I can attest to it being very difficult to move away from your friends/family for a relationship - especially when it's troubled.
I moved away from my family to be w/ my H 4.5 years ago. It's been really tough. I ended up not liking the place I lived, and my job was up and down. I spent the last 3.5 years looking for a new job in another place. Almost 4 months ago, I finally got a great new job, and they paid for our relocation thankfully.
I'm still away from my family and it's still hard. But I'm glad I waited it out until the circumstances made sense.
I have spent a lot of time feeling trapped and have been resentful to my H b/c I felt like I did it for me. But now that we're in a place that is more ideal for me, I think it will get better. Good luck!
temp teach? Not in mass. I would have to pass the teachers exam (MTELS? MCATS? I don't remember)
I am trying to figure out why he wants to move so far away yet is trying to get MORE visitation. Makes ZERO sense to me.