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Holly_1007 · May 2012

kind of frustrated with our lawyer/ court system. our lawyer told us that he filed the paperwork in march that said that mediation was an epic fail and we needed to go before a judge. we STILL don't have anything from the courts. I told DH he should prob go to the courthouse himself and just do a little follow up. we will see how that goes, or if he actually does it.

I firmly told DH that I would NOT pay for him to go to NC for the job interview. I feel like I am crushing his dream. he still hasn't told the srgt that he isn't coming. last night I got a coupon/email/promo thing for a few airlines and found some insanely cheap flights for DH (weird hours with layovers but whatever) and I did the math and can get him down there for around $300 (including hotel) so I bet his mom feels like a moron for spending over $1k last time. I told him about it, and told him if he came up with the money he could go. the only way I would allow him to come up with the money is by selling something (he has like 6 guns that he never uses, I told him to sell one) He is thinking about it.

honestly, we don't have $300. DH doesn't get paid until next fri, at which point the flight price will probably have changed. the checking act has $4 in it. theres $3 in my wallet and supposedly DH's wallet is empty. We have $500 in savings but that is an "emergency" fund and not to be touched. so he needs to decide today.

We got into a really big fight this weekend and I almost kicked him out. he just keeps lying to me and hiding money from me and I'm just sick of it. I know that If I kick him out he's just going to go to his moms and she's just going to enable the crap out of him.

We have a therapy apt set for next monday, hopefully we can work some issues out, for the sake of the kids. right now I'm miserable and I don't even want to be married to him anymore.

Holly_1007 · May 2012

tifanico:
Wow girl, Im sorry. You know that the money to go to that interview is the least of your problems, right?
If you kick him out, he will not be your problem anymore and his mom will have to deal with all his crap.
I dont remember, do you work or you stay at home?

I know. I just don't want him to resent me for holding him back on his "dream". I told him we can't afford for him to take the money away from our budget, so if he wants to come up with it on his own (not by taking it from mom/ grandma) I was okay with that

I'm a SAHM. I do have a degree in accounting so I've been working with a few people over the last week to try to find something I can do from home to make some money. worst case scenario and things don't work out, I don't want to get thrown under the bus.

The savings act is in my and DS name, so technically the money that is in it DH can't touch (I think?) I will be adding to that act as frequently as I can so that if things don't work out DS and I will be ok for a little while.

Hopeforthebest · May 2012

holly71087:

kind of frustrated with our lawyer/ court system. our lawyer told us that he filed the paperwork in march that said that mediation was an epic fail and we needed to go before a judge. we STILL don't have anything from the courts. I told DH he should prob go to the courthouse himself and just do a little follow up. we will see how that goes, or if he actually does it.

I firmly told DH that I would NOT pay for him to go to NC for the job interview. I feel like I am crushing his dream. he still hasn't told the srgt that he isn't coming. last night I got a coupon/email/promo thing for a few airlines and found some insanely cheap flights for DH (weird hours with layovers but whatever) and I did the math and can get him down there for around $300 (including hotel) so I bet his mom feels like a moron for spending over $1k last time. I told him about it, and told him if he came up with the money he could go. the only way I would allow him to come up with the money is by selling something (he has like 6 guns that he never uses, I told him to sell one) He is thinking about it.

honestly, we don't have $300. DH doesn't get paid until next fri, at which point the flight price will probably have changed. the checking act has $4 in it. theres $3 in my wallet and supposedly DH's wallet is empty. We have $500 in savings but that is an "emergency" fund and not to be touched. so he needs to decide today.

We got into a really big fight this weekend and I almost kicked him out. he just keeps lying to me and hiding money from me and I'm just sick of it. I know that If I kick him out he's just going to go to his moms and she's just going to enable the crap out of him.

We have a therapy apt set for next monday, hopefully we can work some issues out, for the sake of the kids. right now I'm miserable and I don't even want to be married to him anymore.

I don't profess to know your entire background story, but as an outsider reading the bolded, you sound WAY too controlling which in my opinion can be why a husband justifies in his head it's okay to lie and hide things from a wife. (Not saying it's the right way to address the issue just pointing out the amount of times you refer to yourself like you are in a superior position vs. equal footing with your husband). As to the underlined, you sound as if you have a competition type relationship with your MIL, either for your DH's attention, or 100% loyalty.

Stop caring what she does and wants to do for her son, you be his wife and not his adversary.Counseling sounds like a perfect place to start.

Good Luck to you both

Holly_1007 · May 2012

wendilea:
If it's a joint savings account, either of you can take money out of it. I think asking him to sell something to finance the trip is a good compromise. But it doesn't solve your long term issues, selling the house, paying for the move, etc.
You sound really controlling. I understand having a husband who is not good with money and trying to protect your family. It's just how you word things some times that makes it come across harsh.
I wish you the best of luck. Like Tif said, if you kick him out, he becomes his mother's problem.

the savings act is in me and DS name, DH isn't on it. but since he is DS' father I'm not sure if he would legally have a "right" to it? like I said, I'm not positive on this, but at least I have a separate act for now.

I know I have control issues, they are sincerely worse since all the lying came about. I don't want to be his babysitter, but I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth and I don't trust him further than I can push him.

his mother would probably be overjoyed at the situation, he is an only child and she treats him like a 6 yr old still, its disturbing.

xmaryrickx · May 2012

You need to find a way to make money. Can you perhaps babysit at home? Granted it would be only 15 or so weeks, but better than nothing. And you could start again after baby is born.

Holly_1007 · May 2012

xmaryrickx:
You need to find a way to make money. Can you perhaps babysit at home? Granted it would be only 15 or so weeks, but better than nothing. And you could start again after baby is born.

yes, I do babysit inconsistently, I have signed up for all the websites trying to find some new clients. and I have some friends from when I worked in accounting that are trying to find some clients for me to do some part time work from home in accounting (which I will make more money doing)

I'm definitely getting stuff in order in case things do not work out, so DS and I aren't completely thrown under the bus. also our financial situation isn't the best, so if things do work out, at least I will be able to contribute to our income and bring us out of this rut.

Hopeforthebest · May 2012

tifanico:

I don't know if she is controlling. I mean, she is pissed that his mom enables him. Since they don't have the money to purchase the ticket, what else does she have to offer? Pull the money out of the emergency account?

The problem here is that she married a mama`s boy. The problem here is that he is willing to move far from his child for very little additional pay. The problem here is that he lies to her all the time. I do not think for one second that her being controlling means that she deserves or brought the lying on to the marriage.

I completely agree, no one DESERVES that. My assumption is that if he's a mama's boy now, he always was, even when they married. I think his actions have contributed to he amount of controlling nature she expends on him and it's a vicious circle. The more she controls, the more he lies. Once trust is lost it's hard to get back, which is why I think counseling is a great place for them to start.

+j+k+ · May 2012

I do not agree that he lies and is manipulative because she controls him. Not entirely any way. He is still responsible for his own actions and behavior.

I do however think that she is trying to control her environment and her life because his actions make her feel like she has no control. She's controlling becuase he has no ability to be responsible. This is exactly how I feel in my life right now, and look where I'm at.

Her husband reminds me of my own in some ways. I totally get where you are at Holly and I think you need to stand firm. I also think you need to tell him point blank how you feel about the job and moving. Do you really want to move? Seriously consider it and follow your gut. Your gut does not lie. If it doesn't feel right - do not agree to this.

I also read your previous post about how he wants to lie to his grandmother who has alzeimers. Seriously? Who does that? It shows his character - and it's not good.

Best of luck to you. I by no means want a divorce buddy on this board, but seriously look at your life and situation and determine what is right and best for you and your little ones.

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