Advice- Baby showers with a complicated family
mschocokitty
member
My husband and I both come from divorced families that are very divided. When we got married, we made it known that no one was going to be excluded and if the presence of certain people was an issue, it wasn't our problem. Everybody came to the wedding and was on their best behavior.
Fast forward to now. My dad offered to throw us a baby shower at his house the second I told him I was pregnant. It will be over the top with all of his friends whom we don't know and his side of the family. He is about 80 miles from my husband's side of the family and our friends. One shower with just family and our friends was our original preference (my DH and I aren't party people), but for the sake of keeping the peace I've been operating under the idea that two separate showers were the path of least resistance.
My mom had a hissy fit when I told her my dad's plans and got all up in arms about just having one shower more centrally located and why my husband doesn't spend more time with her side (he currently spends about equal time and yes this has been a long running issue). DH's family will just go where we tell them but out of respect for them, it shouldn't mean a 1 1/2-2 hour drive in the car.
My dad is kind of making it about him and his friends, and my mom is just being a pain about me spending time with any family but hers. My best friend mentioned throwing a shower in our local area but hasn't firmly committed. Would it be better if the neutral person hosts one central party and hope everyone gets it together by then? Should we just scrap it all? Should I just tell my dad to scale it back about 80% and tell my mom to grab a cocktail and proceed with two separate showers?
Re: Advice- Baby showers with a complicated family
I would let your dad throw the shower he has offered to throw. If your mom wants her own shower, she can throw one for you. Or if your friend follows through, you can have her shower include your mom's side of the family and your husband's family.
It's perfectly okay to have more than one shower and I don't think I would tell your dad to scrap his plans because they're upsetting your mom. That's not fair to him. It sounds better if you do have separate showers anyway just to keep it easier on everyone.
Honestly, I would just go with whoever offered to throw you a shower. If you end up having three or four showers, then so be it. I personally would rather I travel a little bit than have my guests travel ( within reason) . Now I understand you aren't party people, so just go, smile, eat, talk and open presents. IT really isn't that hard. So if your mom offers to throw you a shower, I would take her up on it. Your dad might not want to invite a lot of her side of the family either and this might make them both happy.
This.
Ditto stw and Estwd2 100%.
Also, you need to nip this "you spend more time w/ ___" crap that your mom is pulling. It will only get worse when the baby comes. Tell her you don't keep tally and that you focus on the quality of time, not quanity. You aren't going to plan your life around HER need to be "tit for tat".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This. Maybe your mom and friend could host one together (split the cost and the work).
BTW...1 1/2 hour isn't far to drive to a shower where I'm from. I have absolutely NO family that is any closer then that and most are 3-5 hours away. It wasn't an issue at all.
First of all, I think we are actually sisters, as you have described my exact situation. My MIL lives 6 hours from either of my divorced parents, her friends are throwing me a shower. This will be a huge one where it will be all about her and I'm ok with it.
My Dad is insisting on a big one at his house. It will be happening the day after a family reunion/wedding thing that is already planned and most guests will be staying over anyway. I'm actually really looking forward to this one. But then there leaves my mom, she hasn't offered to throw one but wants to pout that my MIL is having one on a weeknight, 6 hours away and she can't come and she would NEVER step foot on my Dad's property. So fortunately, my best friend will be hosting one that my Mom can attend. She will need to drive 3 hours, but on a Saturday. She keeps bringing it up to me and seems so upset and a little bratty. My only response is that these people have offered to have one for me and I'm very thankful for them. I just reassure her that I would like her to be at the one my BFF is throwing.
Like you said it is just the beginning of the battles, unfortunately. My DH and I constantly have discussions about setting boundaries regarding time and routines as to keep our growing little family in tact. It really is about you and your DH and your LO. People will be crazy!