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Blended Families
music247
member
*sigh* Step son blues
music247
member
This is such a long, old, stressful story. I guess about 3 years ago I posted about my step son, but I was BASHED as being the unloving, uncaring, wicked step mother by strangers on The Bump, who didn't know me or walk a day in my shoes.
Basically the post was referring to my step son, who was very disrespectful and I was telling how I don't feel attached or bonded to him because his disrespect issues. Step son has been living with hubby and I for 4 years because his mother couldn't control him, so the school saw fit for him to live with his Dad. I supported my husband, and he came to live with us. Since then, in an eager attempt to go back to his mom's house (because, after all...he could do whatever he wanted there), he went to school and told them Hubby was abusing him. This was when he was 8 yrs old. He was taken from our home and put in foster care for a 2 day "investigation". It came back that MH didn't do anything, and he came back with us.
Fast forward to today. In February, he went to school and told them that MH threw boiling hot water on him...the result of a burn mark on his thighs that he made by spilling hot food (Ramen noodles) on his lap while eating. He was sent back to his mother's house during this investigation, and didn't return because MH fears that if he allows him back into our house, his lies will become more compulsive and ultimately somebody will be in trouble. The outcome of this investigation is inconclusive. They're not saying MH did do it, or didn't do it...Of course MH wants to appeal it to clear his record saying he didn't do anything.
NOW my step son's mom is calling. He is cutting school, he's coming and going from her house as he pleases, he's smoking weed, he's cursing adults, he's failing in school, and everything else...
So MH got upset with my today because I told him that he shouldn't appeal the finding in order to protect himself. If he appeals, and they change the ruling that MH is clear of any inconclusive record, then that basically means he's a scott free clear parent...which he IS don't get me wrong...but if the mother decides to take it to another level because she can't handle him (which she already is complaining of), then they're going to look at the next parent (because they have joing physical/legal custody)...and if his appeal goes through successfully..he's gonna be back at our house with a vengance.
I just don't know how to handle all this. I have a 2 year old, and 1 on the way. My worse fear is that he'll tell someone that we put a knife to his throat...and then someone will be in trouble, because he's old enough to be really believeable now (he'll be 12 next month).
And yes, we've taken him to counseling.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: *sigh* Step son blues
He is staying with his mother now, and since February. Whether or not he is currently in counseling is something is current guardian (his mother) would know. We just received the result of the investigation in the mail, so we haven't been in contact with his mother...she just called yesterday with all this.
And yes, coming back to live in our house is very dangerous in our opinion. My personal opinion is...he should leave it as inconclusive...But I guess MH thinks like you do.
I understand that...I truly do. And I sympathize with the whole situation because this is biologically his child...
But all I'm saying is that the record is inconclusive. It doesn't say he did anything, It doesn't shift blame, it doesn't promote guilt......so just leave it they way.
Get his name cleared, one day your two year old can fall and hurt them self and get CPS called and your DH will still have this over his head making it way easier to think he could hurt your little ones. Then he needs to be his kid serious help before it is too late, not sure what that will mean but either serious therapy and or mess or what, he is young for residential help IMHO. Get him drug tested, an 11yo doing drugs is a huge issue.et him help his kid while the kid is 11 but if it is dangerous you might need to remove yourself and the LOs from the house until things are under control.
Thank you.
There have been issues since this child was young and since it's not your child it's easy to disown him. Your husband has a responsibility to ensure this child is raised properly. You describe him as a liar, disrespectful and unstable. He was raised partly by his father, what happened to this child to turn him into this? It's a simple answer to say it's all his mother's fault but if it is his mother's fault than that would be a good reason to have his father more involved in his life. He lived with his father for 4 years, did you get him any help during that time?
This child should be in counselling and should have been for a long time. If the problem is his mother's house, he should be removed from it. If there's something else someone needs to figure it out. HE is getting older and will possibly get worse. If his own father gives up on him what future does he have. He's on drugs at 12 years old?
This whole situation sounds messed up. As wrong as it may be it sounds like his parents gave up on him years ago and he knows it. He's still a child.
AT what point would you give upon one of your children? This is not just biologically his child, he had him in his home and raised him for at least a certain amount of time, this is his son. When would you be ok with getting rid of one of your own kids?
This kid might be trouble and might need a lot of therapy but he doesn't need his parents to give up.
And all of this is speculation. Sounds likes, may haves, might've beens and coulda dones. As previously stated (twice before) we had him in counseling, as per the ruling of the very first CPS order. As you can see, the counseling obviously wasn't beneficial enough to make a change, because we are here. The issue could be the divorce between MH and the BM. He could have mental issues, who knows. But what do you do when the child could endanger your life and the livelyhood of your home and ultimately land someone in jail if he's believeable enough for a conviction of child abuse? We'll still not be "giving up on him" behind bars,right? Because he wants to do what he wants at his moms...so he continues to do stuff like this.
And for the record, when we took him in 4 years ago to provide him a better stable household with structure and discipline...we didn't "give up", after the first CPS incident, we didn't "give up", even after this CPS incident, nobody "gave up"...but what are we going to do? Keep allowing this child to possibly cause harm to US?
You seem like a licensed professional. What do YOU suggest? Maybe he can come spend some time with you. In your house. With your children.
His BM and my DH have joint phys/leg custody. Sharing him is legal. He is with his mother right now.
As I asked above, when would you give up on your own child? If this was my son he would be in my home with my kids. 4 years ago he was 8 years old. At 8 years old there was already nothing to save him?
EDIT You stated he may have mental issues, who knows? Well, it seems it would make sense to find out.
I would not give up on either of my children. I would have had them in counselling long before now, although at 12 he's hardly an adult. Most kids don't just turn into this overnight and most times it's not from simply being upset over a divorce.
Go ahead and get angry. I"m not part of your situation and I can only go by what you've written. You have to be concerned for your kids but who is concnered for this child? Who is trying to figure out what's going on with him and what happened to him and how to help him grow into a stable and productive adult? He's 12.
EDIT I am leaving work so I won't be able to comment for several hours. I jsut don't understand why the biological parents are doing something to find out why he is acting out like he is. If 50 doctors can't figure it out go to 50 more, don't rest until something has changed.
Oh no dear, I'm not angry at all. Especially not on the internet, on a website, with a nameless person who I don't know. I am above that.
Again, we had him in couseling since the first CPS order. If you read it correctly, that was when we was 8. Shortly after he came to live with us. That would mean he's been in counseling for some time.
Personally, if this were MY child, he'd be in boarding school, ESPECIALLY if I wasn't equipped to raise him to BECOME a functioning member of society, instead of horribly failing and continuing to support a child with a mind as manipulative as his at only 11 years old. But it's NOT my child. I'm only someone whom this situation effects on a daily basis, but I digress, because I married the child's father also 4 years ago.
It appears you have given your "opinion". Thank you for it, since I apparently didn't exclude anyone when I made this post and as this is a free forum to do so. You may move along now.
In this vein, can the juvenille courts system maybe help you? I'm sure some would see this as "giving up", but if his behavior is escalating rather than improving, it may be for the best.
This is a hard situation to be in. It is easy for a stranger to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. Every family is different. If your SS continues down this path, he will end up in juveniall hall (SP?). I would look into programs in your area (or even better have your H do it), and see if there is a Big Brother program, or something where he can have a role model to look up to? If that doesn't work, maybe check out somethign along the lines of scared straight (i've watched the tv show).
I feel for you, and I hope your SS gets some help and doesn't go down the wrong path.
Thanks for the permission but I'll "move along" when I choose to. It's not my "opinion" I gave, it's my opinion. You don't like it, that's your choice, but that doesn't make it less of an opinion.
This man should not have married and moved along when his child must have been so obviously in need. Too late for that. You said you took him for counselling but did not say it had continued until now.
Boarding school I would consider giving up. A treatment centre where he can receive help, if he needs it, would be a great option as someone suggested. You stated the child lies about being abused and smokes drugs. First, has he been abused? Not by your husband but possibly by anyone else? Is he acting out like this because of anything that someone has done to him? He is doing drugs at 11 or 12? It shouldn't be too hard to moniter an 11 or 12 year old. Where does he get the money to buy them and who supplies them? Has he been violent or is it just him accusing others of acts towards him? Has anyone tried to find out why he's doing it?
There are so many things that can be done at this age before shipping him away. If that turns out to be the best option, that can work.
Poor kid has no stability in his life and it's his fault he's the punk?
https://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/38260304.aspx
Your H needs to clear himself. He does not want any sort of record out there showing him an unfit parents. You do realize at some point in time this could be an issue of whether he is fit to raise your other two children?
I'm sorry you are dealing with such a difficult child, but I'm sure there must be some way to help him or at least improve things some. Counseling or a boot camp type school maybe?
If my child started accusing me of abuse I would think it would be time for some MAJOR action on my part. No way in heck I am going to let my kid get me in trouble with the law without good reason.