Need advice

acoop719 · May 2012

I am totally NOT into sex right now. Between lack of sleep, discomfort from having such a big belly, and having some back pain, I'm just not into it! It seems like DH, on the other hand, can't get enough. UGH! I feel bad, and he's starting to get frustrated, but I can't get him to understand it's not that I don't love him, it's just that I don't feel the greatest, or sexy at all right now. He keeps saying he can't wait until the baby comes so that he can actually enjoy sex again, and I don't have the heart to tell him that once the baby comes he's going to have to wait 6 weeks to get any. This is one of the reasons why I feel so bad not giving it to him now...

Any ideas, helpful advice you can give me to get in the mood? When we do have sex it's so uncomfortable, and we've tried about every position you can think of, but hey, I'm game for anything you can tell me to try at this point. Thanks!

hooslisa · May 2012

it's uncomfortable or it hurts?

i'm also confused because you seem to go between the reason being you're not in the mood or the physical discomfort. which is it?

listen, i don't think MOST of us feel sexy right now, but in my opinion, it is our job as a spouse to fill our end of the bargain in the sex department (as long as it's not really PAINful). i'd feel the same way if you were in the mood, but he wasn't. i'd tell him to suck it up. it's part of the job description. that's just how i feel about sex and the role of a spouse. i feel this way because i, personally, have never really had a large sex drive, but, when he comes a callin', i remind myself that it's part of my JOB. otherwise, it would be easy to just keep blowing him off. he'd feel unappreciated, unwanted, unloved,.....and then i think you find yourself headed down a bad path.

if YOU felt unappreciated, unwanted, unloved, etc, i would hope he would give you what you needed (whatever that might be).

i'm not lecturing, so much as giving you the inner workings of my own brain when I'M not feeling in the mood, but he is.

be honest though about whether you don't want to have sex because it a.) really hurts or b.) you just don't feel like it.

if it is really that you just don't feel like it or you don't feel sexy, now is the time to nip that excuse in the bud because i can't imagine that's going to get any easier with the exhaustion i'm expecting in parenthood. make it a priority now.

if it's physical discomfort, i would give doggie style a go. it's saved our pregnancy sex

i'm not dr. ruth, but i do have an autographed book

irer · May 2012

If it hurts or is uncomfortable, don't do it. Your husband needs to realize this is a temporary situation and not make you feel bad for not wanting to have sex. I couldn't imagine enjoying sex if I knew my partner wasn't up for it, and I hope your husband is mature enough to realize that this won't last forever.

Also, you could do other things to satisfy/pleasure him besides intercourse, if you catch my drift.

ks3pink · May 2012

Tell him to grow up. Its only temporary and he will live. If he can't manage on his own for a few more months then that is pretty sad. I completely disagree with the OP who said we need to "fill our end of the agreement/marriage/whatever". You are pregnant with his child, that should be enough. Don't get me wrong my DH gets frustrated but he knows better than to push and respects that I can't because I am carrying his babies and am exhausted and uncomfortable.

acoop719 · May 2012

it's kind of all of the above. I'm not in the mood because I'm uncomfortable AND because I know it will hurt when we do. Maybe TMI, but even when we use lube it seems to be extremely sensitive. I'm not always telling him no (I mean it's been less than a week since the last time we had any), but when we do "the deed" he can tell that I'm not enjoying myself and he gets frustrated. I try to hide it but he says it's obvious. So either way he gets frustrated- whether we do or we don't. I was just looking for advice on whether or not it's even possible at this point to have mutually enjoyable sex, and maybe what I could do to get my body more into gear as far as the pleasure aspect goes. He wants it, but then when I don't enjoy it he feels like a failure. I don't mind not getting pleasure out of it, but he seems to feel like he needs that from me as part of the experience...it's just frustrating.

Mizsoccer83 · May 2012

I totally understand. The only thing I could say is to potentially provide more foreplay for one another as the act of sex is not comfortable to you. You can always let him know your concerns and try to come up with a plan together (that is what DH and I do) and see what he thinks. Let him know how you feel and that you dont want to disappoint him, but carrying a baby is a lot of work on our bodies as women...and hopefully he understands that. I would talk with him and offer the idea of other sexual things for the time being. You can try random positions too, and see if any of them feel better for you than others as well. But if you are uncomfortable, I would be careful. As far as getting more "prepped" or comfortable for sex-I havent a clue what to do there, and if someone does that would be GREAT news, lol, as I have just noticed that the further along this pregnancy goes, the more uncomfortable everything seems to be-including breathing...so yeah. Good luck!

hooslisa · May 2012

so, it does sound like it's a discomfort thing. that is what i was trying to get to the bottom of. that's totally different than "i'm just too tired and i don't feel like it."

i had a random week of sex being painful around 16 week. that was a no go. it hurt. he knew it hurt and no one had fun.

fortunately, it went away.

there are ways of being intimate other than just having sex. as long we're putting ourselves out there ......I was at a slumber parties party last year and on the recommendation of the consultant myself and a few friends all got these.

https://www.slumberparties.com/Checkout/ProductDetail.aspx?ID=294 " target="_blank" title=" https://www.slumberparties.com/Checkout/ProductDetail.aspx?ID=294 "> https://www.slumberparties.com/Checkout/ProductDetail.aspx?ID=294

i will tell you, we've compared notes and there isn't a disappointed husband in the bunch

if oral isn't your thing and sex hurts, this could be a good way around it.

daniellelovesjacob · May 2012

My sex life has taken a toll since I found out I was pregnant. My DH and I still do it about 2 times a week but I don't enjoy it any more- it is very uncomftorable. I know my DH wishes it was more but he understands.

cfresned · May 2012

ks3pink:
Tell him to grow up. Its only temporary and he will live. If he can't manage on his own for a few more months then that is pretty sad. I completely disagree with the OP who said we need to "fill our end of the agreement/marriage/whatever". You are pregnant with his child, that should be enough. Don't get me wrong my DH gets frustrated but he knows better than to push and respects that I can't because I am carrying his babies and am exhausted and uncomfortable.

I completely agree!

Bemyselfandi · May 2012

No offense but the OP who said it's her "JOB"...I completely disagree. When I was pregnant with DS we went about 6 months during my pregnancy NOT having sex...then another 8, maybe 9 week after the baby was born before I even felt like having something TOUCH me down there. I'm not the norm, however. When I am pregnant I am repulsed by SO's smell, sounds, etc. He is a blessing because he's so patient for so long not getting any...but he knows it's not permanent. We know we love eachother, we know we will have sex again some day, and he knows he has a hand whenever he needs it. Just realize that it's only 3 more months and it's just going to get worse because of the summer heat and how big we all will get. Have a calm discussion and tell him it may be a while and you don't want him to be disappointed, however, it's just not comfortable anymore and you'd rather not do anything uncomfortable. Just a suggestion.

hooslisa · May 2012

daniellelovesjacob:
My sex life has taken a toll since I found out I was pregnant. My DH and I still do it about 2 times a week but I don't enjoy it any more- it is very uncomftorable. I know my DH wishes it was more but he understands.

he should be doing cartwheels for twice a week

merri25 · May 2012

hooslisa:

it's uncomfortable or it hurts?

i'm also confused because you seem to go between the reason being you're not in the mood or the physical discomfort. which is it?

listen, i don't think MOST of us feel sexy right now, but in my opinion, it is our job as a spouse to fill our end of the bargain in the sex department (as long as it's not really PAINful). i'd feel the same way if you were in the mood, but he wasn't. i'd tell him to suck it up. it's part of the job description. that's just how i feel about sex and the role of a spouse. i feel this way because i, personally, have never really had a large sex drive, but, when he comes a callin', i remind myself that it's part of my JOB. otherwise, it would be easy to just keep blowing him off. he'd feel unappreciated, unwanted, unloved,.....and then i think you find yourself headed down a bad path.

if YOU felt unappreciated, unwanted, unloved, etc, i would hope he would give you what you needed (whatever that might be).

i'm not lecturing, so much as giving you the inner workings of my own brain when I'M not feeling in the mood, but he is.

be honest though about whether you don't want to have sex because it a.) really hurts or b.) you just don't feel like it.

if it is really that you just don't feel like it or you don't feel sexy, now is the time to nip that excuse in the bud because i can't imagine that's going to get any easier with the exhaustion i'm expecting in parenthood. make it a priority now.

if it's physical discomfort, i would give doggie style a go. it's saved our pregnancy sex

i'm not dr. ruth, but i do have an autographed book

Wow....I can't believe this is a post from 2012!! This pregnancy is a team effort and I think it is the husbands 'job' to do whatever he can do to make his wife comfortable. If it is not having sex all the time, I think he should be a grown up and deal with it. The OP is not saying she is never doing it, but I don't think it is her 'her end of the bargain'. Having sex should not be a job!

I think you sound a little brainwashed! Hubby needs to chill out and think about his wife and is perfectly capable of dealing with his 'job' on his own.

Do you also think that women should not work and be home barefoot and pregnant? And, the husband has final word on everything? Is that also part of the job description?

To to OP- Your husband should love and cherish you and respect what you are wanting right now. You and he both know its not going to be forever. Good Luck.

hooslisa · May 2012

merri25:
hooslisa:

it's uncomfortable or it hurts?

i'm also confused because you seem to go between the reason being you're not in the mood or the physical discomfort. which is it?

listen, i don't think MOST of us feel sexy right now, but in my opinion, it is our job as a spouse to fill our end of the bargain in the sex department (as long as it's not really PAINful). i'd feel the same way if you were in the mood, but he wasn't. i'd tell him to suck it up. it's part of the job description. that's just how i feel about sex and the role of a spouse. i feel this way because i, personally, have never really had a large sex drive, but, when he comes a callin', i remind myself that it's part of my JOB. otherwise, it would be easy to just keep blowing him off. he'd feel unappreciated, unwanted, unloved,.....and then i think you find yourself headed down a bad path.

if YOU felt unappreciated, unwanted, unloved, etc, i would hope he would give you what you needed (whatever that might be).

i'm not lecturing, so much as giving you the inner workings of my own brain when I'M not feeling in the mood, but he is.

be honest though about whether you don't want to have sex because it a.) really hurts or b.) you just don't feel like it.

if it is really that you just don't feel like it or you don't feel sexy, now is the time to nip that excuse in the bud because i can't imagine that's going to get any easier with the exhaustion i'm expecting in parenthood. make it a priority now.

if it's physical discomfort, i would give doggie style a go. it's saved our pregnancy sex

i'm not dr. ruth, but i do have an autographed book

Wow....I can't believe this is a post from 2012!! This pregnancy is a team effort and I think it is the husbands 'job' to do whatever he can do to make his wife comfortable. If it is not having sex all the time, I think he should be a grown up and deal with it. The OP is not saying she is never doing it, but I don't think it is her 'her end of the bargain'. Having sex should not be a job!

I think you sound a little brainwashed! Hubby needs to chill out and think about his wife and is perfectly capable of dealing with his 'job' on his own.

Do you also think that women should not work and be home barefoot and pregnant? And, the husband has final word on everything? Is that also part of the job description?

To to OP- Your husband should love and cherish you and respect what you are wanting right now. You and he both know its not going to be forever. Good Luck.

it's really sad that you can't have a debate without resorting to being rude. I really hope that isn't a sign of what being a 2012 woman is.

i never said it was a "woman's job". it sounds like you need to re-read what i wrote without jumping to your own conclusions. i said maintaining a healthy sex life was the role of a "spouse", man or woman. this would be ONE of MANY roles that we owe EACH OTHER.

it is NOT subject to debate that a healthy sex life is linked to marital satisfaction. period. disagree with me? ask any man (or woman) with a high sex drive.

lsugirl81 · May 2012

BUY A FLESHLIGHT!!!! I have no sex drive when I am preggers. We bought one for our first pregnancy. Best money ever spent. It was created by a guy whose wife couldn't have sex during her pregnancy. We bought another one when I found out I was pregnant with this child. My husband isn't into obligation sex. He knows that I am not into it. I guess I need to do a better job a faking it during pregnancy

merri25 · May 2012

Um...you did say job several times. I think you said it CAPS too! Sorry if I sounded rude to you, I was just shocked at what I was reading!

When I said the reference to 2012, I meant that it sounded like you were basically saying that it was the duty of a spouse to have sex with their partner. I think that if one (either husband or wife) does not want to have sex at that moment the other one should respect it.

I guess we just have really different expectations and ideas of what constitues a healthy marriage.

merri25 · May 2012

Um...you did say job several times. I think you said it CAPS too! Sorry if I sounded rude to you, I was just shocked at what I was reading!

When I said the reference to 2012, I meant that it sounded like you were basically saying that it was the duty of a spouse to have sex with their partner. I think that if one (either husband or wife) does not want to have sex at that moment the other one should respect it.

I guess we just have really different expectations and ideas of what constitues a healthy marriage.

januaryjen18 · May 2012

I was feeling the same way, but then I bought some really sexy lingeri ( corset looking things that cover my belly but are totally stretchy and I can slip on and slip off!) and everything has been MUCH better! I feel like myself again and not just a big belly lol!

Twizzle · May 2012

I think you should just sit down with your husband and explain to him how you feel and try to come up with a compromise--like finding other ways to satisfy him, or doing some non-sex things to feel close to each other like massage, date nights, etc. I totally disagree with the poster who said that you "owe" sex to your husband all of the time. Yes, sex is an important part of marriage, but there are other important things too, like not feeling forced or obligated to do things out of "duty". Your marital sex life is going to have ups and downs like anything else, and your marriage shouldn't suffer as long as you are both honest and respectful about it.

During pregnancy, and for a month or two after, our sex life is all but nonexistent because it's uncomfortable for me and DH is kind of weirded out by it. We still have a strong marriage and we still are a couple in love with each other. After the pregnancy and post partum pain period were over our sex life went right back to normal.

cfirman4242 · May 2012

you shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable by your boyfriend, husband or whoever else about sex. if you aren't in to it right now, then you shouldnt feel pressured. i would NEVER do anything that i didnt feel comfortable about doing. he can wait a little while, i know it sucks..... but so does having to buy all new clothes, feeling HUGE, hurt back, hurt feet, etc. etc..... you have to deal with that stuff he can deal with no sex for a little while. do not do something you dont want to do.

jesslinnn · May 2012

hooslisa:
it's uncomfortable or it hurts?

i'm also confused because you seem to go between the reason being you're not in the mood or the physical discomfort. which is it?

listen, i don't think MOST of us feel sexy right now, but in my opinion, it is our job as a spouse to fill our end of the bargain in the sex department (as long as it's not really PAINful). i'd feel the same way if you were in the mood, but he wasn't. i'd tell him to suck it up. it's part of the job description. that's just how i feel about sex and the role of a spouse. i feel this way because i, personally, have never really had a large sex drive, but, when he comes a callin', i remind myself that it's part of my JOB. otherwise, it would be easy to just keep blowing him off. he'd feel unappreciated, unwanted, unloved,.....and then i think you find yourself headed down a bad path.

if YOU felt unappreciated, unwanted, unloved, etc, i would hope he would give you what you needed (whatever that might be).

i'm not lecturing, so much as giving you the inner workings of my own brain when I'M not feeling in the mood, but he is.

be honest though about whether you don't want to have sex because it a.) really hurts or b.) you just don't feel like it.

if it is really that you just don't feel like it or you don't feel sexy, now is the time to nip that excuse in the bud because i can't imagine that's going to get any easier with the exhaustion i'm expecting in parenthood. make it a priority now.

if it's physical discomfort, i would give doggie style a go. it's saved our pregnancy sex

i'm not dr. ruth, but i do have an autographed book

Whatt!?! Indifferent

OP, if you don't feel like having sex right now he needs to just chill. A few months is not going to kill him.

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