Mother-in-law visits after baby is born??

Sally1220 · May 2012

My husband and I just announced that we are expecting. My mother-in-law almost immediately told me that I will need to let her know exactly how long she stay for...both immediately after the baby arrives in Dec and during the summer when she is off work. It is her first grandchild and I appreciate that she is excited. I get along with her ok but we have a tiny house that isn't optimal for long-term guests. Also, she is already very opinionated and unafraid to share her beliefs about how we should raise our children. I don't think I can handle that for more than a few weeks!

For those of you who already have kids, what do you recommend? Does requesting for my MIL/FIL to stay in a hotel for the Dec visit and no more than 3 weeks at our place over the summer sound reasonable?

lclaws13 · May 2012

You're way more generous than I would be. I think that's quite reasonable.

Just tell them that when the baby is born you want some time for family bonding, and while they're more than welcome to visit, your house will be open from 9 am to 7 pm only

+SMACE+ · May 2012

I would die at 3 weeks of anyone, my own parents included, staying in my house.

What does your husband think is an appropriate amount of time?

My ILs are local so we didn't have this particular issue. After my son was born my parents stayed for maybe a week or two? I don't remember. I liked it bc my mom did all the cooking and cleaning. If MIL is not going to be helpful, I wouldn't have her over. The first weeks of parenting (hell the first 13 weeks) are hard asshit.

beeunit · May 2012

Oh my. My MIL is very much the same. I will tell you that after DS1 was born, she came over and tried to start up with me right way about what to do. She really made me dread the time she spent at our house with DS1, and that's not how it should be. My point to that is, if she starts giving you advice you didn't ask for, have your H step in right away (or do it for yourself if you're comfortable) and gently let her know that you will ask if you have questions. She made my first few months as a mom very miserable.

So...yes, limit the time you have with her if she's already shown she can be that way. I think it's reasonable to say "With the new baby, and already tight quarters, it would be more comfortable for you to stay at the Holiday Inn down the road. You can visit during the day, but then have the nights to yourselves". And putting a time limit on the summer is also reasonable. Gauge what you're comfortable with based on how the December visit goes.

blowfish11 · May 2012

We have made it clear to both families that we are not having long term guests after baby is born. I certainly don't want anyone there while I'm trying to establish breastfeeding. That sounds like a nightmare.

However, for the summer, I'd let someone come and stay with us for a week.

denise_m · May 2012

Both families are local, so no visits lasted more than an hour or two.

Personally, I'm not a fan of long visits after a baby is born. You're tired, recovering, learning about being a mother and bonding as a family. A hotel is not unreasonable.

mlangs · May 2012

I found out this weekend that his family is coming from France to see the baby in Feb.

Mom, dad, brother, SIL, and 2 kids. We have a 1 bedroom apt... so I highly doubt they will be staying with us, but I am not entirely sure if I want to run all over the place and entertain for 10 days like we did last time!

LeighPA · May 2012

Oh good grief, I can't imagine having any visits longer than a day or two. You are WAY generous/tolerant.

StefandTodd · May 2012

Three weeks?!?! You're a SAINT.

My MIL stayed for about 5 nights (2 I was in the hospital, 3 we were home) when LO was born. We love and appreciate her but we could not wait to see her go. We're limiting her to 2 nights this time (home birth).

I would never be okay with more than 3-4 days in a row. I need my decompression and "family of 3" time with my H and son. I wouldn't really want anyone staying more than a week.

oklaracegirl66 · May 2012

I totally do not know what to expect. We live my MIL and FIL. This will be MIL's first true grandchild, she already has 3 step-grandchildren from her first son's marriage. FIL has two grandchildren from his daughter from his first marriage, but they are actually my age now (mid 20's).

MIL is good about giving DH and I our own room. FIL has medical issues and has some brain damage from those issues. He actually has shown no interest at all about DH and I having a LO. MIL is excited and is not being pushy about things. The pushy one so far has been my own mother. She keeps telling me that i don't need to take the baby with me to the racetrack (we race cars on dirt, only travel every few weekends a few hours from home) and I am going to leave the baby with her when we go off to race. It just irks me to no end.

itsmevkb · May 2012

We also have a smallish home and as there is nowhere for MIL or FIL to sleep, they have always stayed at a hotel. I'm fine with people visiting, for a few days, but would not be okay with someone staying with me for weeks at a time. For me, that is just too disruptive.

I think asking her to stay in a hotel is fine and that three weeks over the summer is more than reasonable.

robyn2201 · May 2012

IL's live close so they would just come over for short visits. My parents live across country so they are already talking about coming out for Christmas. With DD they came out when she was 3 weeks old. They stayed in a hotel and spent the days with us. It was kind of boring. At that stage newborns mostly, eat, poop and sleep. We basically just sat around all day and watched tv. Thankfully BF'ing was super easy with DD, but I was still nervous nursing around my dad. I always used a cover and I made myself do it around everyone. I wasn't about to go sit in my room by myself for half an hour every 2 hours. If BF'ing had been difficult for us, one week would have seemed so long!

KatieKim0815 · May 2012

Put your foot down. This is a great opportunity to assert yourself from the get-go on what you plan to do with YOUR child. Just because she's a grandparent doesn't mean she's entitled to come over for x amount of weeks. I'm incredibly close with MIL and my parents and they know that the boundary is for day visitis. That's just what's right for our dynamic.

I would absolutely not allow for visitors after the baby is born. It's incredibly overwhelming!!!

Sally1220 · May 2012

Thanks everyone for the tips! I am definitely going to chat with my husband this weekend to come up with a plan. He is usually timid when it comes to disagreeing with his mom but he is going to have to break the news to her.

3 weeks in the summer seems like a lot to me too but she mentioned spending the entire summer!!!! I like the suggestion to set summer limits based on how the Dec visits go. Hopefully one of my sister-in-laws who lives near the in-laws will get pregnant soon and deflect some of this attention...it is my last hope

jvdavisbaby · May 2012

That is completely reasonable! I'm having the same issue with my MIL (who just so happens to be visiting right now for 10 days-she's only on day 3 so far and lucky she is still living) I let my DH know as soon as we told her that we were expecting that no family will be staying at our apartment what so ever. They can get hotels or stay with their friends. I am open to visits but you will not be spending entire days when I am trying to breast feed or bond with my husband and newborn. I honestly think its a little disrespectful for her (my MIL and yours lol) to just automatically invite themselves over during such a crucial family time..... if that makes sense lol. I will be letting her know (to her face) this week that she will not be able to stay with us when baby arrives, thats just how it is. And if there is a problem then she cant take her happy butt to a hotel this week for all I care (some of this might be the hormones talking---maybe)

Talk to DH about his mother and let him know you arent ok with her staying there at that time. He should understand and maybe he can do the talking so it doesnt stress you out at all.... I can't count on my DH to do that so I have to talk to her myself lol good luck!!!!

ClarissaExplainsItAll · May 2012

I would definitely suggest she stay in a hotel if your house is small.

When my son was born, my ILs couldn't get out to NC for 3 weeks after he was born, but I would have totally welcomed my MIL right away. I love her, and now as my XMIL, she is one of my best friends.

With my FI's mom, I want her to stay as far away as possible. She is the type that is very opinionated and loud. I don't really believe a lot of the stuff she says, and I have a feeling it's going to cause tension when this baby comes. I'm nervous as HELL. And she lives about 5 miles from us.

kristine618 · May 2012

Your MIL sounds exactly like mine. This is her first grandchild and she is OBSESSED. I am already anxious about when and how long she's going to visit when the baby is born. I have a feeling she is going to want to be there the day the baby is born and will not be giving us any space. I hope we can deflect this nicely. Ugh. Good luck to us!!

operilman · May 2012

This is my biggest nightmare. I would say one week MAX if and only if you have the room. If she wants to stay longer she can get a hotel and come over when YOU say it is ok.

My biggest fear is that we will have a boy, and then we will have to do the bris 8 days after he is born and ALL the family comes in for that. I feel like that will be so overwhelming having given birth 8 days earlier. One reason to hope for a girl, I guess!

golomboc · May 2012

THREE WEEKS?! Oh no way!! When baby is born, I'd prob ask them to wait a week or two to visit if they plan on a long term stay. I'd prob ask for only a night or two but if they insist on longer, hotel definitely... As far as summer... One week would be maxed out for me! I admire your patience.

My MIL will be so excited but I am not excited for the opinions on parenting tips... She lives close enough that there will be no overnights. Man I'm blown away that I may have to deal with this... Haha let us know how that goes for you!

twister22 · May 2012

You are seriously so sweet! MIL staying in a hotel - no issue what so ever. MIL staying 3 weeks in the summer - you might want to rethink that, or try to break it up .

lycih · May 2012

Yeah, we're definitely going to have this problem...
We usually do Thanksgiving with my parents (we host) and Christmas with the ILs. Which means, both Thanksgiving and Christmas will end up being at our condo this year.
My mom has already said she plans on staying a few weeks after Thanksgiving, because I'm due 2w later. Honestly, I do not have a problem with that, because I'll be huge, and not wanting to cook/clean/whatever. And since I don't live near my parents, I never imagined being able to have her around for the birth of my first child.
But, then after only another week or two of alone time with the baby, we'll have the ILs here for Christmas. I assume they'll (or at least my MIL, and possibly SIL) end up staying 3-4 weeks, too.

mama2many · May 2012

I don't even let my own mother stay that long. When we had #3, I told her she had to stay at a hotel when he was a newborn and with #4, I flat told her that she had to stay at a hotel from now on - our home is busy, and fairly scheduled, and it's difficult to accommodate guests into our routine especially first thing in the morning and at bedtime.

I love my MIL, but I had to really put the brakes on her with our first. They live in town, and decided that since she had been in the delivery room with all of both daughter's babies, that she should get to be with me too. Um, NO.

So, all of that to say - discuss w/DH what each of you wants/is open to - then make an agreement that you can both be comfortable with & let others know. It's your household and your baby. The cool part about that, is you can do whatever you want regardless how others feel about it.

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