How DH deals...can I help?

medblais · May 2012

So today I got back from teaching a yoga class to find DH on the couch, looking....funny. I couldn't pin point an emotion so I asked if he was ok, and after telling me he was fine and me continuing to press,he said he had jut come out of Genevieve's room. So he went in, was upset, likely crying. And then he proceeded to tell me he usually goes in there as soon as I leave, but he waited a little while today. When I asked why he waited until I left, he said so I didn't see him like "this". I have seen him cry, I know she meant as much to him as she did me, and I know he still hurts daily because so do I. But I don't understand the hiding it from me. I told him straight up that him having feelings does not make him less of a man in my eyes, and I'm glad he acknowledges her still. What can I do? Why is he hiding it? Can anyone help me wrap my head around this?

blessedhope · May 2012

Men seem to handle grief differently. I think men have a really strong desire to "be the strong one." I have told my husband "it makes me upset that you don't talk about the baby." He tells me that he doesn't want to upset me. I don't think our husbands realize that we are always thinking about our babies and if they show emotion it won't hurt but help us to know that they are grieving too. I guess I haven't answered your question but I struggle too on finding ways for us to grieve together instead of him feeling like he needs to be "strong"

karebear57 · May 2012

I hide it also (try). I've never liked crying in front of anyone though. I always wait to cry when my dh is sleeping or at work. The only thing I do in front of him is sometimes I stare off into space. I dunno tho. We all grieve differently. Just reassure him that you would love to talk about Genevieve and you're there when he is ready to talk.

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · May 2012

My DH did the same thing for the longest time. I wasn't ready to go into Corbin's room yet but he was so he'd wait till I was out running errands to go in there. I had no idea he did this until I told him I thought I was ready to try going in there. He also didn't tell me that he wrote a message to Corbin on the dry erase board we have in his room. He also told me he was afraid to talk to me about Corbin because if I was having a "good" day, he didn't want to bring me down. I explained to him that if I do start crying, chances are I was on the verge anyway. I think men and women just handle grief differently. I think the most important thing we can do right now is simply to be open, honest and communicate as much as possible. {{HUGS}}

pottermommy · May 2012

My DH told me that being a husband and daddy is different.

He is the man it is his job to hold his family up. IF I see him crying or upset he is not holding me up he is letting me down and he can't bear to do that.

I tried to explain to him that it wasn't the case but he insisted that the husband is strength incarnate and that if he isn't the strong one who will I hold onto. I finally conceeded that we grieve differently and thanked him for trying to be there for me.

It is enough to know that he loves her and that he thinks of her, if and when he talks about it I listen and I reply if he wants me to, otherwise I don't push it, I leave him be because he feels better if he thinks his "strength" is in some way helping me.

johnnys june · May 2012

Something I've learned (in our HEAL Group and through personal experience) is that grief is not a journey for 2. Grief is dealt with differently by everyone, but especially by men and women. What all of the women above have said is exactly how my husband has also put it. I remember in our HEAL Group when we discussed grieving as men and women that we specifically discussed each others different needs. The leader pointed out that the key to grieving together isn't expressing it the same way or even experiencing the same thoughts or emotions at the same time, but rather, trying to understand your partner and allowing them to grieve in their own manner, on their own time, but letting them know you're always there. This one thought alone helped me and DH tremendously. There are still days and times where I crave for DH to talk about Logan or express that he misses him just so I'm reassured, but the truth is, DH uplifts and loves Logan in his own, quiet, masculine way.

I think the best way to help your husband is to reassure him that you need to know he cares and is grieving your son too. Let him know that you're in this together. But most of all, let him know that it's ok to grieve in whatever way he grieves that you don't expect anything else of him.

julesverne · May 2012

As other people have said, men grieve differently. I know the few times I brought it up to DH-why he didn't talk about Jack around me-he said it because he didn't want to let me down, he needed to be strong for me.

The day Jack died, we were holding him for the last time (Jack was in my arms, and DH was sitting next to me), and DH started crying-then suddenly he straightened up, threw his hat on the floor and said to Jack "I'm not going to do this, I'm not going to cry.." and went on to say how proud he was of his little boy for fighting so hard. It's not the same thing, but I think DH tries to focus more on the fact that Jack lived, not that he died.

Maybe just give your H time and space. Jack has been dead for over 4 years, and DH just started bringing Jack up in front of me within the past year or so.

Good luck.

lrichmond86 · May 2012

I've had a really hard time coming to terms with the way that my DH has grieved the loss of our baby Gary. Like you, I didn't understand why he wanted to visit the grave alone, cry alone, look at his pictures and memory box alone, etc. All I want when I'm feeling sad and missing my son is to be with DH. PP is right... grief isn't something two people do together, even when it's for the same loss. I've come to realize that DH hurts as much as I do, but it's in a different way. Yes, he's grieving the loss of his physical being and of the possibilities that we had dreamed of for him. But he's also grieving his namesake, the relationship that only a father and son can share, the time that I got with him that he didn't, and the private hopes that he had for fatherhood. I know it's hard not to press him, and sometimes it takes everything I have not to, but I think it's important to give them their space. We wouldn't want them to tell us how to grieve, so as difficult as it is we shouldn't try to do that either. If it makes them feel better to be "strong" for us, then we should give them that courtesy. Just my opinion. T&P for you both!

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