I don't want to do IVF#4

Mrs.McIrish · May 2012

and I don't know how to tell DH. I just don't want to do this anymore. It seems so pointless for me. I can't handle another "nothing to transfer". I'm a realist-- at age 38.5, getting 1 or 2 eggs isn't going to result in a take home baby for me. I've never had a 2nd line ever and I've never had an embryo that even looked decent. I don't want to feel what I felt in February again. I want to close the baby door.

Mitzi Bishi · May 2012

McIrish, I know how hard this has to be for you. I always struggle with this, too. It's great to have the encouragement of others, but sometimes it feels like "giving up" gives some control back to live again, although I know many here would think that makes me pessimistic.

While I'm certain being a mother is incredible, I think sometimes people get disillusioned in thinking it's the only thing that makes them have a purpose. Even if you don't end up having a child there are plenty of things you can do and life is as great as you make it.

Do you think this is something you'd regret down the road? It's hard when you've not run out of time or money, but just steam, but even that is OK... just listen to yourself.

I think we all vacillate on when enough is enough and it's even more complex when one half of the couple wants to keep fighting.

Is your DH adamant about continuing? Maybe you can make a list of pros and cons and let him know how much of a struggle this is for you.

As always, we're all here for you. My heart aches that you have to go through this, because I know how difficult it is to keep trying and not feel like there's a glimmer of hope... only to have others keep pushing you.

big hugs xxxx

Gregermis · May 2012

((((hugs)))) we all have our limits. It's just not fair going through so many months of heart ache over and over and over again

Mrkyrain · May 2012

Oh Sweets. I think only you know when enough is enough but I was getting to just the point that you were at. I agree with Mitzi, you have to think about if it is a choice that you will regret. If it is what you want (at this point), you can create a happy and full life without children. I know I am in the minority for thinking this but I believe it. DH and I used to have conversations about what we would do if things didn't work (travel and a beach house were big on our lists). I am sorry that this is something that you are even faced with. I wish I could make it easy and take away the pain. Know that I am here and so are all the other ladies on this board. Big hugs.

sarahtoledo · May 2012

I'm 95% sure I'm done without even one IVF. I've given two years of my life (I know many have given more) to this and I'm not going to give another. I am turning 38 next week and it's only getting tougher to keep going. Quitting feels SO GOOD.

I am getting excited about adoption. It feels like when we first started TTC, but without the worry that it wouldn't work. I envision life with our adopted LO(s) and I know that then, I will be so thrilled. I won't be able to imagine not having him/her.

You see I'm still here on IFV (out of habit and care for my friends who are TTC), but every time I check in, it makes me more sure I want to move on. The idea of two lines now scares the hell out of me. I've been pregnant three times, and all three times, the end result has been worse.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you come to a decision soon. Whether you go for #4 or choose not to, the peace that comes with having a plan is wonderful.

arbutusbride · May 2012

I want to get off the IVF roller coaster too. Although we still have one embryo that we can transfer I don't have high hopes for a successful pregnancy and just want to move on. DH is gung ho for it and wants to give it another try. He said "if we don't get enough embryos on the next retrieval then we will just go back and do it again." I told him that I will only do one more retrieval and I don't care how many we get. I am tired of doing shots and bed rest and the 2ww, just to be disappointed again. I think our time and money can be spent on adoption costs. If it wasn't for the FSA account we set up, I would push for moving forward with adoption.

I'm just over it.

AmCheri · May 2012

Big hugs. I've been wondering how you're doing.

Just this past week. I found myself googling "when is enough enough?" While certainly the benefits of a successful cycle are enormous, at this point for me (and it sounds like for you, too) the downsides seem to have taken control. This process changes you physically, emotionally and spiritually. And I think those changes are lasting. The process breaks you on what feels like nearly a daily basis. You feel like you've lost your life. You feel like you've failed. Now, your master is IF treatments. It's the only thing you can think about and that is no way to live.

I absolutely understand where you're coming from. I don't know how to tell YH. I guess just sit down and speak from your heart. He loves you and wants you to be happy. If closing the baby door is the right thing for you, it'll be the right thing for him. Whatever your decision is, we're here for you. xoxo

reb259 · May 2012

Hi...i have been thinking about you too! So much of what AmCheri said I feel and agree with... Maybe your H is having some of the same feelings...

I (we) are here for you! Sending you big hugs

hollymichael · May 2012

I hope you don't mind me responding. Even though I am no longer an active member of this board, I still lurk here sometimes. When we decided that it was time to move on and "close the baby door", I did see a therapist a few times to talk through everything. I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to regret the decision later. It really helped. I went by myself, but DH would have come with me if I wanted him there. Maybe it would help you both to talk to an outside party too. Good luck with everything!

blueberries8 · May 2012

(((hugs))) I think others already said it better than I could, so I will just say that I am thinking of you.

rosemary&thyme · May 2012

blueberries8:
(((hugs))) I think others already said it better than I could, so I will just say that I am thinking of you.

This exactly. ((HUGS))

Bella2u07 · May 2012

rosemary&thyme:
blueberries8:
(((hugs))) I think others already said it better than I could, so I will just say that I am thinking of you.
This exactly. ((HUGS))

I couldn't agree more.

Your in my thoughts.

::big hugs::

illinigal · May 2012

Hugs sweetie. You need to talk to your Dh no about your feelings. We are here for you no matter what.

BeckyP005 · May 2012

Oh McIrish....hugs hugs hugs.

I liked what Mitzi wrote in her response. Nicely put. Talk to YH and tell him honestly how you feel. He will love you no matter what. I know it's hard to imagine right now but you and YH can have a good life just with the two of you. MH is slowly changing his mind again but having already been on child free board once a mess...I think I will be at peace this time around.

I wish you all the best in making your decision. I know you have alot of support on this board.

mtlaurel · May 2012

Big hugs. Hoping you and your DH can have the honest conversation you need and reach some form of resolution. Thinking of you.

XV11Star · May 2012

I am with Sarah, that 99% feeling. It's hard to believe because a couple of months ago I was feeling almost desperate to try again due to my loudly ticking clock. But it's gotten quieter... I guess, or fading away. MH and I will sporadically have a talk about it but he's kind of wanting to wait until our WTF (currently unscheduled) - but he's not anxious to get to that, either. I think it's kind of 'safe' here in the unknown, not having to do any treatments with the time, money and emotional factors involved, but also not officially saying "that door is closed".

I am just so sorry that you are going through this, I wish peace for everyone on this journey because it is so big, so important and consuming... and so personal, including knowing when enough is enough. I agree with the others here saying to tjust have a heart to heart with YH.

Sending you a big hug and good luck wishes in whatever you end up doing - you have all of our support!!

genmalone · May 2012

I'm so sorry hon. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

((hugs))

Delta04 · May 2012

It's been a minute since I've checked in but please know that you are in my thoughts. I saw the title of your post and just wanted to give you a hug.

PurpleIris30 · May 2012

Just wanted to let you know that I'll be thinking of you. I wish you peace with whatever decision you and your DH reach. Take care of yourself.

Mandy_Lou83 · May 2012

((hugs)) thinking of you.

lynn0926 · May 2012

So many ladies put it so well already. I am giving you big hugs right now hun!

abvernon · May 2012

((hugs)). Ditto pp. I can not imagine what you are going through but know I am here for you.

BeeBee08 · May 2012

Mc.Irish, huge hugs on their way. I hope that you find the strength to have the discussion with DH that brings some decisions for you both. I understand. If you're done, you're done. Only you know the emotional and physical toll that this takes on you and you have to be able to say "stop" when the time is right. We're all here for you!

winofairy · May 2012

Mrs.McIrish:
and I don't know how to tell DH. I just don't want to do this anymore. It seems so pointless for me. I can't handle another "nothing to transfer". I'm a realist-- at age 38.5, getting 1 or 2 eggs isn't going to result in a take home baby for me. I've never had a 2nd line ever and I've never had an embryo that even looked decent. I don't want to feel what I felt in February again. I want to close the baby door.

HUGE (((HUGS)))

I know exactly how you feel. I knew after if our IVF cycle failed I would have to close the door. It's so heart breaking! I know I couldn't handle another failed cycle and I'm slowly coming to peace with the end of our baby journey.

I wish I had better words of wisdom to share with you. I think we all know when we've had enough. You are far stronger than I am by going through IVF 3 times. Its amazing the hell we will put our bodies and our emotions through.

I wish you all the best in whatever you and your DH decide to do. Lots of T&P's for you. More HUGE (((HUGS)))

jessican08 · May 2012

((HUGE HUGS))

ellenchris0506 · May 2012

Aw, I am sorry you are going through this. It is so unfair.

I can relate. I am feeling the same way about IVF #5. Just turned 38 and feel like it isn't ever going to happen. The further away I get from my last failed cycle, the more I just don't want to go through another failure again. My emotions can't handle it.

Sorry...didn't meant to write so much about me in your post :-/ Just wanted to let you know I totally feel your pain.

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