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January 2011 Moms
RedZee
member
WWYD? - playing w/ another kid LONG
RedZee
member
We became friends with a family shortly after DD was born. They have a son who is 6 months older than DD. I really like the mom and have a lot in common with her. I like the dad ok.
The dad is looking for a job like I am so is home and I suggested doing a babysitting "exchange" so we can both get to the gym. Meaning, I watch both kids while he goes, then he watches both kids while I go.
We tried it on Wednesday for the first time. Their son was SO aggressive and wild and difficult. Any time DD touched a toy, he would take it away. He would go over to her and either try to hug her or push her. But his hugs now are more like tackles and he holds her around the neck too tightly. She would start to cry and I'd go to her and then he'd attack more. He was squeezing her around the neck multiple times, pinching her on the face and neck and in the eyes (kind of looked like gouging her eyes out), and scratching her. Honestly, it was a really terrifying experience for me. She has scratches all over her face from it and bruises on her eyelids. (I'm so grateful she doesn't have bruising on her neck!)
Obviously, I can't put my child in a situation like this again. The problem is that I don't really know how to handle things with the parents in order to maintain any kind of friendship. This little boy has been violent with at least 2 other kids (he bit one so hard it left marks), so the parents know it's an issue. They are trying to change things but it's clearly not working.
DH suggested we try it at our house instead of theirs and have DH with me and see how the little boy does then and if it gets better. I guess I just feel like their kid's behavior is not entirely my problem and I'd rather just tell them it won't work. I worry if I do that, it will ruin our friendship. And while I get that it might be tough to maintain a friendship with people whose kid is totally violent, I don't think it will be like this forever. [I really think he's like this because the dad is pretty wild with him and he doesn't understand that some roughhousing is ok with dad but not with other kids.]
DD1: born 1/19/11. DD2: born 10/10/13
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Re: WWYD? - playing w/ another kid LONG
We tried it on Wednesday for the first time. Their son was SO aggressive and wild and difficult. Any time DD touched a toy, he would take it away. He would go over to her and either try to hug her or push her. But his hugs now are more like tackles and he holds her around the neck too tightly. She would start to cry and I'd go to her and then he'd attack more.
My friend's daughter was like this the first time we met her. She is also the same age as your friend's son. She was just trying to be friends but it was too rough for a toddler that is learning to balance. DD does not like to be restrained so she wasn't cooperating either.
He was squeezing her around the neck multiple times, pinching her on the face and neck and in the eyes (kind of looked like gouging her eyes out), and scratching her. Honestly, it was a really terrifying experience for me. She has scratches all over her face from it and bruises on her eyelids. (I'm so grateful she doesn't have bruising on her neck!)
Sounds pretty rough here. I have no idea what I would have done. It sounds all like stuff DD does to my neighbor's cat!!
Obviously, I can't put my child in a situation like this again. The problem is that I don't really know how to handle things with the parents in order to maintain any kind of friendship. This little boy has been violent with at least 2 other kids (he bit one so hard it left marks), so the parents know it's an issue. They are trying to change things but it's clearly not working.
Just say that they weren't getting along. My friend and I decided that we won't meet up with the girls again bc her DD is too advanced! It was fine, no one was offended. Just say they can't play together and it's hard keeping up. I would understand if someone told me that.
DH suggested we try it at our house instead of theirs and have DH with me and see how the little boy does then and if it gets better. I guess I just feel like their kid's behavior is not entirely my problem and I'd rather just tell them it won't work. I worry if I do that, it will ruin our friendship. And while I get that it might be tough to maintain a friendship with people whose kid is totally violent, I don't think it will be like this forever.
I think it's a rough phase. I agree it's not your problem but you can give yourself the benefit of a doubt and see how he does with your DH around. This might not be a permanent fix since your DH cannot always stick around, right?
[I really think he's like this because the dad is pretty wild with him and he doesn't understand that some roughhousing is ok with dad but not with other kids.]
This is what I think also.
Honestly, I would probably say "man it went bad, DD just wasn't up to his speed and now she's scared, so sadly we have to hold off on the playdates". I'd hope they'd understand.
My worry would be that this time was your turn to watch so next time it'd be his turn to watch, right? I wouldn't want to leave my child with the dad and the rough child without my being there.
Also, if your DH is around then couldn't you just leave your DD with him and you wouldn't need this guy? That seems like it wouldn't really help the problem to me.
Also, you said you watched DD at his house...now that could be part of the problem because the toys she was playing with really belonged to him, right? He could have been protective of his stuff so in theory it might be better at your home.
I would suggest doing some more play dates where both parents are there so the kids get more used to each other and can be monitored well enough by both of you guys...(like maybe 2 or 3 - not a long drawn out thing). And if they don't play well like that, then it's feasible to use what Halfmoon suggested and say that he is more advanced and maybe you guys should try the exchange when DD is a bit older.
I dunno though - this is a tough situation...
So part of the problem is that the kids do know each other. We've seen them about twice a week for the past year. (We go to storytime together.) And they have played at each other's houses with both sets of parents and been fine. So saying that they didn't get along is weird 'cause they do but he's extra rough without his dad there.
LynnyD - Exactly! If DH is there then I don't need to do this anyway. His suggestion was that we could see if the boy would be ok at our place or if another man is around. It would be mostly to show the parents that we're really trying to make it work so they can't be too annoyed.
I ended up leaving DD there right after (the idea is that we both go to the gym one right after the other) but I left them watching tv with a snack and knowing DH would be there in 20 minutes. When DH got there they were exactly as I'd left them - each in their own chair.
What did they say when you talked to them about what you saw? I think their reaction and suggestions are probably the most logical place to start processing and figuring out if this can work, which house, why things were so different this time, etc.
More Green For Less Green
I didn't have a formal discussion about it. When the dad came home I told him it was really tough and the boy was very violent. He said, "Oh, was he biting?" When I said no just other things he wasn't overly concerned. I think the mom would have been much more concerned. He said, "Yeah, he's more aggressive with just his mom than he is when I'm around too."
Honestly, I hope it's a phase, but the similar experience I had was not that way.
We recently had a playdate with a little boy that's 5 months younger than DS and it went very similar to yours. Every time he didn't get his way or a toy he wanted he threw an absolute fit (kicking, screaming, banging his head on the floor) he also put DS in a headlock (they are similar size) tried to tackle him to the ground and kicked DD in one of his fits. All this while his mom was there. When she finally said they had to leave, it took her 10 minutes to get him strapped into their car, he was wild!
She said her H rough houses with him a lot and it's a new phase, but he was like this the last time we had a play date over a year ago. If anything his behavior has only gotten worse!
I guess I would try what your H suggested having it at your house, with him there. But I would be hesitant to leave your DD at their house with his dad and him. Actually no, not hesitant, I just wouldn't do it. Anyway if it goes the same then I would put an end to your childrens contact together until his behavior is better.
Sorry you had such an awful experience. I was very shaken by the play date we had too. I called H right away and had to literally sit down and just breath.