Jealous of friends and intro

sld5711 · May 2012

Good Morning Ladies

First let me give you a little intro, I have just been lurking on this board for the past couple of weeks so its about time I make an introduction! I got married a little over a year ago to my DH. This my first and his second marriage. He has a DD (who is currently 4) from his first marriage and we are currently expecting our first baby in November. BM and him share custody and SD spends one week with each of them switching on Fridays. So now to my jealousy issue. Quite a few of my friends are either pregnant right now or have recently had babies and their children have been super involved and interested in their pregnancies. My SD is not interested at all and has even said to us that she does not want to be an older sister. She never ask about the baby and gets upset if we buy anything for the baby even if we buy something for her too. I guess I am jealous because I thought maybe she would be excited like my friends children all seem to be and she most certainly is not excited or even happy about this new addition. I know she is not mine but I do so much for that little girl you would never know that she is my SD and not my DD and I guess I thought she would be excited about this just like all my friends children. I don?t even bring up the baby around her anymore because of the attitude I get from her when I do try to get her excited about it. Is this normal? I don?t know what else to do? I was going to try to buy her some books about being an older sister but I honestly don?t know if that will help any. Has anyone ever experienced this also? TIA

jnjmommy0609 · May 2012

I know you didn't ask but..the blue is super painful on the eyes. Just a heads up.

Have you tried asking your step daughter about how she felt about the baby. Even though she is only 4 she can tell you how she feels. I am taking it as she is worried you guys will love the baby more then her.

And yes this is normal. I didn't go through this with my son when I was pregnant with our daughter but it's pretty normal behavior

Ilumine · May 2012

This really ISNT abnormal behavior, even in Intact Families. I didnt want my younger sister (I was 5 years old) and neither of us wanted our younger brother. Change is hard. The concern that you are going to be replaced is very real.

Now add those feelings to a little girl whose parents are no longer together? Will her father still love her when the new child...the one that belongs to him and his new wife...the one that gets to live with Daddy all of the time...

And really, are you jealous or are you concerned about something else.

sld5711 · May 2012

Sorry for the blue. I started this out on my computer and then copied and pasted.

I am not sure what else I might be concerned about? Can you clarify for me? Sorry.

But I do think that I am extremely jealous of my friends stories about how sweet their kids (all of them younger than SD) are towards their growing bumps and how they talk to them new baby on their play phones or are constantly asking questions about when will the baby be here. I thought because SD and I do have a close relationship that she would be super excited. I am the most active person in her life and I am not trying to just toot my own horn. I sign her up and take her to all her activities (dance, tumbling, and t-ball), I take her the park and to go shopping, and make sure that her week with us is as enjoyable as possible because I can only imagine what it is like to be transitioning from one house to another weekly so I try to make it as stress-free as possible for her. I guess I just thought she would react just like my friends kids. I do know that every child is different just like every adult is different but hearing their stories just makes me want that too.

sld5711 · May 2012

*Sorry I hit post when I was trying to start the next paragraph.

Also thank you ladies for telling me that it is normal behavior. I guess I will just have to push a little harder on making her realize that things arent going to change and her daddy will still love her and I will still be as active as ever in her life and that its only good things to come.

mschocokitty · May 2012

The true issue is the OP's feelings about her SD's reaction. I understand you feel hurt that she isn't as excited as you want her to be, but as with most things, you can't control how others react. SD needs reassurance that she is loved, which is in your power to do. Beyond that, she is going to feel what she is going to feel-joy, anger, resentment, love, whatever comes to her. Spoiling her is only setting up a bigger issue for later. Call me cynical, but your friends may also be painting a rosier picture than what happened in reality. Most people don't brag about the bratty or not so cute things their kids do, so you may only being hearing "the best of".

DarthNBJenni · May 2012

My SD and DD were super excited about their baby brother. My other DD was pissed she'd no longer be the baby - and still sometimes is. But she's gotten better since he was born, and the older and more active he gets.

CFjo2010 · May 2012

As PPs have said, this is totally normal behavior even in non-blended families. My sisters are 5 and 7 years older than me, and according to them when my parents told them they were pregnant with me both sisters were livid. They hated me from the time I was a jelly bean in utero until I was about 2. Let's be honest, when you're a little kid babies pretty much suck. They cry, poop, take away attention from you, and you can't even really play with them.

SD will come around. I don't know how long the custody schedule has been in place, but if she's still adjusting to it then it's understandable that she's not thrilled about a baby. Also, I don't know what the situation is with BM but maybe she can "talk up" the baby when SD is with her. Keep her as involved as you can so that she doesn't feel left out, and then leave it alone. I agree with PP: do not spoil her right now. This will only cause her to feel entitled to special treatment whenever she's upset about something.

NewStepMom2ndBride · May 2012

I'm sorry you're having a hard time!

I think everyone has covered that this can be normal behavior even in intact families. But I know it still hurts.

My SD (16yo) has three other siblings by her mom and even though they live far away, she's pretty 'into' them. She doesn't seem to be 'as' into my upcoming baby, which I'm pretty sure hurts her dad's feelings.

Its possible she may be more excited once baby is here. Heck, sometimes I even have trouble reminding excited for this 'thing' that is making my life more miserable lately. :-)

GL!! Just keep reminding her you (and her dad and her mom!!) love her soooooi much and nothing will ever change that. Keeping baby talk to a minimum and doing things just you and her may help.

sld5711 · May 2012

Thank you all so much for your input. I am just going to try to continue to reassure her that everyone loves her very much and that is not going to change when the baby gets here! Thank you also for making me feel like this is not an isolated situation and also thanks for making me open my eyes to remember that no one ever tells you the bad its always puppies and rainbows when people tell you stories about their lives : ). Thanks ladies!

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