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Bananafish97 · May 2012

I'm too embarrassed to post under my real name. I have something that I have to get out and I need some advice.

The thing is that I have fantasies about being with another woman. I watch lesbian porn all the time, but I am still attracted to men and can't picture actually having a relationship with a woman. I'm so confused. The sad thing is that my husband has never given me an orgasm through intercourse our entire relationship and only a handful of times through oral. I have faked nearly every single time with him and it is so sad because he doesn't know. I don't think. I can't O without doing it myself, and I only come when I think about being with a woman.

I am confused and wondering if I should talk to my husband about it. I worry it would completely ruin our relationship, but I feel like I am lying if I don't. Should I seek counseling? I don't want to leave my marriage, but I don't feel satisfied and probably like Im not being true to myself. Any words of advice? I'm so unhappy with the way things are.

hecallsmecat · May 2012

I think there is more than one thing going on here.

First of all, a lot of women can't O during intercourse. I am one of them. I have never been able to with any man I have ever been with. DH knows this and makes sure that he helps me to O either before, during, or after intercourse one way or another. Sometimes he uses his hands or penis the way I would to do it to myself, or sometimes I use my hands while he is inside. Either way, he understands because I told him that it is just the way my body works and not his fault at all. If I were you I would definitely talk to your DH about that so that you can have a satisfying sex life. I think that's important to a marriage.

Secondly, everyone fantasizes about someone other than their partner, but I don't think that the partner needs to know. I have lots of fantasies that I would never act out in real life, and even though I've never fantasized about women I don't think it would be a big deal if I did. If it is something that is really bothering you than maybe you should get some counselling for it. IMO, counselling is never a bad idea for any situation. However, I would not rush to tell your DH if you think he can't handle it. I would never tell my DH about the people I fantisize about and I would not want to hear about who he thinks about either. I think that's private for everyone.

I did know a girl years ago who would fantisize about having a threesome with her boyfriend and another girl. She told her boyfriend about it and they actually acted it out with another girl they knew. It completely ruined their relationship. In her case, it should have just remained a fantasy. She realized that real life was nothing like what she thought it would be and she totally regretted it. I'm not saying your situation is the same, but it's the only example I can think of so keep that in mind.

For me, the bottom line would be that I am married and need to make sure that my relationship with my DH is as strong as possible. To me, that means improving the sex life and not making him feel insecure about my fantasies (my DH would probably feel insecure, not sure about yours). If I were really bothered, I would get counselling just be to happier in my own mind.

Good luck.

damabo80 · May 2012

I agree with the above. If you are torn up over the women idea ( which it sounds like you are), try out a counselor. Worse case scenario is that you're out a few bucks (check if insurance will cover it).

Regarding the no Oing while intercourse thing...honey, welcome to the club. Last time I checked, the clit is not inside the vagina. And unless your DH has two penises, poor clit gets ignored during sex.

I use my own hands during sex or a little bullet vibrator (for hands free sex). Give it a try.

XSailoretteX · May 2012

Dan Savage, of the It Gets Better Campaign, has a standing request that bisexual people who are in committed relationships come out. The reason is that the greater wide world only sees bisexuality as it relates to promiscuousness creating this idea that all people with an other-than-straight orientation are unfit for monogamists relationship.

So. I, XSailoretteX, am a bisexual woman. I have been married for five years. I have been in a committed relationship for almost eleven. I have never cheated on my husband. We have never had a threesome. I can tell you that it introduces challenges for me, but I have to say that the biggest challenge has been accepting who and what I am, not getting my needs met.

Yes, I sometimes fantasize about women, like I'm sure everyone here has used images on other men (exboyfriends, the FedEx guy, or McSteamy or whoever's hot now) during sex.That does not mean that I want to have actual sex with any of those people. When I look at porn, which is pretty rare these days, there's pretty much always a woman involved.

Now, you may very well be completely, absolutely gay but there are a LOT of women whose sexuality is more fluid than the labels that we put on ourselves would lead one to believe. So work on accepting that, yes, there is a part of you that is attracted to women. You're not a bad person, you don't have to go join a queer commune, you don't have to get a friend to guest star in your bedroom and it can get better.

Circling back to the question, it's normal to not O during intercourse. I've never had a first O during intercourse. If I do, it's the second in the series. So yes, the bisexual woman who would probably end up with a woman if DH died tomorrow is knocking out two per session. So yeah, it happens.

I'd start by retraining your DH. If you want something during sex, ask for it. Don't be afraid that it's not going to work. Ask for oral. Give oral. Be a little kinky. You're not going to scare your husband. Mention in not-during-sex conversation that you're trying to push things into more interesting territory without getting too serious.

There's a lot that can be done with a little in-the-moment "Pssss... maybe you could ....?" And yes, don't be afraid to touch yourself during sex. It will 1) be awesome and 2) show your husband what needs to be done.

Also, am I seriously posting this to TB?

JessandIgli · May 2012

I agree with everything the PPs said and just wanted to say that many women can't have an orgasm during sex, myself included. But I don't think you will be satisfied with your sex life if you keep faking orgasms. If DH thinks you are coming during sex, he's obviously going to think the job is done and not try anything else. Like PPs suggested, try touching yourself during or use a vibrator. I think everyone fantasizes about someone else once in a while, but I also think once you start to become satisfied with your sex life it won't happen as often.

pettycrocker · May 2012

Another vote for no O during sex.

I think that everything you mentioned is pretty normal. People have fantasies about all kinds of sh.t, just because you happen to fantasize about women doesn't make you a lesbian.

I have fantasies about everyone from 300, that doesn't mean I want to have crazy gang bang sex, but I mean come on. Everyone in 300 is pretty effing hot and airbrushed and hot. Yea, all 300 of them, I'd hit that.

jk4ever · May 2012

Ditto PPs at saying almost always no O with just intercourse here either. I either reach down there for a little help or use a bullet vibrator every time we have sex. A lot of women need more clitoral stimulation to get there. My DH doesn't ever mind and is glad that it gets done each time we have sex. Really, its NBD and sex is a million times better. I think you should most definitely talk to your DH about this, I like PP's idea of saying something along the lines of you wanting to spice things up a bit. Keep the issue light and make sure you let him know that he is great!

As for the other issue, I also agree with PPs. Personal, private fantasies are not only normal, they are healthy. But they are best kept to ourselves. I would never tell my DH my private fantasy men and would also not want to hear who he fantasizes about. If you love your husband and want to stay happily married, keep it to yourself. Unless it is something that can harmlessly be acted out with the 2 of you, in which case it could add some spice. But it would do no one any good to tell him that you sometimes think about other women. Its not a big deal, IMO, women are beautiful and there are some seriously HOT out there. But it really would not help your situation to tell him. So you can continue to think about women, as long as you are not acting on this fantasy, then you aren't hurting anyone.

So, in summary, the O problem is actually an easy fix. The other issue isn't really a problem IMO.

MamaCoffin · May 2012

I agree with everyone above... and especially Sailor.

I too am attracted to women. My first relationship was with a girl, and in fact, DH included, I've only been in relationships with 3 men and only had sex with 2. I actually consider myself pansexual. Gender, orientation, so on and so forth don't mean a thing to me. I can't help who I'm attracted to. I have a transgender friend who I had the biggest crush on for a while. I've always felt that I'd miss out on the right person for me if I put limitations on who they could be. It just so happens that I fell in love with a man.

With that said, I made the decision to be with my DH out of anyone else in the world. Do I have thoughts about other people? Sure, men and women. Do I ever act anything out? No, because I chose who I chose and I'm happy in our relationship. I wouldn't act out on my fantasies involving women any sooner than I'd act out on my fantasies about other men.

I think you are just concerned because it's something unknown to you. It's new and intriguing and that's scary. But please know it is a LOT more normal than you might think. Don't be ashamed.

You certainly don't need counseling because you are having thoughts about women. If you decide to go to counseling go because you have some relationship issues to sort out between you and your husband.

I hope everything works out for you, and in the mean time, enjoy those ladies!

swimiz500 · May 2012

I think a lot of women are, on some level (and some more than others) attracted to other women, like PPs said.

While it is very normal to have all of those feelings, and the O problem, counseling may help you sort all your feelings out. I mean, for me, I go to counseling once a week and it really helps just to have someone unbiased to help you sort out everything that is going on in your head. Since you are confused, it may be a good place to start. My insurance covers it completely, so it may be worth a shot if yours does.

I think all husbands are so, so different. About 3 months ago, I was feeling completely unattracted to DH. I was keeping it all bottled up, and not telling him for fear he would hate me and feel awful. Well, I finally broke down and told him, and he was so completely understanding! I was mad at myself for not confiding in him to begin with. But, you know your DH best and know best how he would react, so think it all through. If he is the kind of guy who is willing to talk to you about these things and who will be understanding and compassionate, then it may be worth discussing. It helped me a great deal. Hope you are able to sort things out for yourself soon- good luck

ghostof5letters · May 2012

damabo80:

Regarding the no Oing while intercourse thing...honey, welcome to the club. Last time I checked, the clit is not inside the vagina. And unless your DH has two penises, poor clit gets ignored during sex.

Tell it sista!

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