DH's grandma is on Hospice.

nekorayne · May 2012

This is long but I could use advice and support. I don't want to talk to people I know about it and I guess I need to get it our because I typed more then I thought. But I could use some support and advice so I can be strong for DH.

I posted awhile back that DH's grandma was getting her leg amputated and asking for advice about supporting DH and MIL through this hard time. Everyone was so helpful and gave me more advice then I ever thought!

Since it was so long ago the back story is that DH's grandma had her leg amputated years and years and years ago and she got through it just fine and with her walker still got out and was happy. She has been on dialysis for a very long time but other then that did well. DH actually moved in and took care of her of her for a few years when he graduated high school and when our relationship got serious and he was sure she was ok he moved out. At one point DH and I moved in with her for a few months because she got sick. We were TTC and looking for a bigger place and our lease was up so I just quite my job and took care of her tell she got better. We moved out in time for us to have DS because she got better. Then a bit later she got super sick and had to have her remaining leg amputated. MIL takes care of her at her home and has a few nurses (and family of course, like us) come by to help.In other words DH lived with her a lot and she has always been close to him since he was a baby. She wrote an article once for her senior groups paper that said her biggest dream was to see him have a kid because he would be a great dad, she got to see that and I'm happy for that. DH has 4 siblings and she has 5 beautiful great grandchildren and has lived a long and happy life. I am glad for that.

She has been getting worse and worse since she became a double amputee but she has been holding on. She goes to dialysis 3 times a week for years and years. On Friday she REFUSED to go. On Monday she refused again and yelled at everyone and we even had the nurse call her and she refused to go but promised to go Wednesday. Honestly we all worried she would not make it tell then but she did. On Wednesday she told MIL she was tired and was not going anymore. The nurse talked to her and with the help of MIL she decided that she was content and wanted to go on Hospice. We all think it is for the best, she has every right to make her own decisions and we don't want her in pain. She has lived a long life and we love her and want her to know that we support her. MIL let me know and asked if I would tell DH because she thought he would do better hearing it form me.

He is so close with his grandma and so it was so hard to tell him. But he is ok, I mean as ok as he can be. I think it has not hit him yet. When his Grandpa on his dad side died he acted like everything was fine, I was so confused how calm he was, and then it just hit him. We were at Ross getting him a shirt for the funeral and he had a breakdown in the dressing room. I heard him crying and told the attendant that I was going in rather she liked it or not and we sat in that dressing room together forever. I just held him and he cried. That is how he deals with pain and sadness. He bottles it in and it takes a bit for it to sink in. Once it does he falls apart.

I think I should just do my best to support everyone. I started doing some research on it so that I could help DH through it and answer any questions he may have. When DH gets stressed he starts researching and looking for answers himself unless someone can tell him the answers he needs. I think it would make it harder on him to research on what is happening to his grandma so I took it on myself to do that. I cried for a long time, it was hard to read because I love her, but I am proud of her for making this decision on her own and support her. She is a strong women.

This morning before work DH was getting ready, I feel so bad for him because he has an important meeting at work,having allergies, and I can tell he is trying to put on a brave face about this. I went up and hugged him and he told me he had called and checked on his mom and kind of beat around the bush asking me what was happening and if I knew how Hospice worked. I tried my best to explain to him that she could last anywhere from a day to a few weeks and asked him if we should go see her soon. He just looked scared and said that we are going to his moms home next Tuesday and that he does not want to bother his mom right now.I don't know how to tell him we may not have that time and that his mom might need him right now. I know he is trying to hold himself together and all I can do is be there for him, hug him, and try to keep myself strong for him and his family. I think this is the best decision for her and we are all proud of her but at the same time it is hard to not know when and it is always hard saying goodby to someone who means so much to you as she means to DH. He says he wants to see her but does not know what to say, we went and visited her a few days ago before she made this decision and he said he just had a feeling that she was ready.

Anyone every been through this? I guess I just need help trying to get my head striaght and help DH and his family through this. I'm trying to not cry and be happy that she won't be in pain anymore. I'm so worried about DH because he is holding it in and acting ok and I worry when it will hit him. This is one of the harder things we have done together and I want to support him.

pastalady · May 2012

First off, I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. DH's grandpa was in hospice for about 2 weeks before he passed. The hospice can be a wonderful place. There are no restrictions like at a hospital. You can come and go anytime, bring any food in, etc.

We have great memories of just reminising with DH's grandpa. My only advice is to try not to let the akwardness of it get in the way. Depending on your DH's family dynamic of course. We just talked about how loving his family was, how many great times we had, etc. DH's grandpa was pretty lucid most of the time but he did have morphine (which I am assuming your DH's grandma will have pain relief).

A lot of patients basically starve to death. That sounds awful but the staff told us it is a very peaceful way to go (who knows). The organs shut down. The last few days Dh's grandpa was mostly asleep. He would wake up suddenly and yell for DH. Then he would tell him something like "I forgot to tell you. Never buy a house you can't afford. Live within your means;" Then fall back asleep. He had all this advice for DH, really very sweet.

The last day was hard. It was a peaceful as it could have been, I think. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

nekorayne · May 2012

pastalady:
First off, I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. DH's grandpa was in hospice for about 2 weeks before he passed. The hospice can be a wonderful place. There are no restrictions like at a hospital. You can come and go anytime, bring any food in, etc.

We have great memories of just reminising with DH's grandpa. My only advice is to try not to let the akwardness of it get in the way. Depending on your DH's family dynamic of course. We just talked about how loving his family was, how many great times we had, etc. DH's grandpa was pretty lucid most of the time but he did have morphine (which I am assuming your DH's grandma will have pain relief).

A lot of patients basically starve to death. That sounds awful but the staff told us it is a very peaceful way to go (who knows). The organs shut down. The last few days Dh's grandpa was mostly asleep. He would wake up suddenly and yell for DH. Then he would tell him something like "I forgot to tell you. Never buy a house you can't afford. Live within your means;" Then fall back asleep. He had all this advice for DH, really very sweet.

The last day was hard. It was a peaceful as it could have been, I think. I am so sorry you have to go through this.

This really helps, just knowing what is going on. Thank you for this. I think she is planning on doing hospice at MIL's home. I think once DH gets to her bedside he will be ok, he will just sit and talk to her like he always has but I think the thought of it is scary for him. Thank you for you post, you have no idea how much better it made me feel hearing it was peaceful and just knowing more about it.

lexusolsen · May 2012

I don't have any advice but I wanted to let you know that I am sorry to hear this news. I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. I hope everything goes as well as can be expected and that she passes peacefully. I am also impressed with your courage but I think you should make sure to deal with your emotions too. You obviously love this woman too. Plus there is extra stress in your life. Maybe some kind of counseling or support group is available for people in the same situation.

guess I did have some advice after all.

lollitots · May 2012

So sorry for DHs family. Call the hospice. They can give you a lot of guidance and literature on death and dying for both DH and you son. If DH is up to it, I would encourage him to see her. It brings some closure to the process. However, that is totally his decision. May she go peacefully.

chickaboo1974 · May 2012

First I am so sorry for your family.

Secondly- I worked in hospice. Hospice can be in your home, a nursing facility, or some hospices have "hospice homes" where those who are on hospice can go and spend their time- it is usually in the last few days. Hospice is about comfort care - meaning that of course your GMIL will receive pain meds when she needs them. While as PP mentioned that your loved one will stop eating- it is not the same as you or I missing a meal. There are certain chemicals and endorphins that are released that will not allow pain from not eating. But for now they should let her eat/drink whatever she wants provided that she still can swallow. There will be a team to make sure your GMIL receives comfort and support during this time.

I would reccommend contacting the hospice's social worker that is assigned to your GMIL. They should be a good source of information and support for you and your DH. THey will also be a help in making sure there are some legal issues covered- power of attorney being named and the forms being signed is the big one.

nekorayne · May 2012

Thank you so much everyone. We went to MIL's last night and had a family dinner with MIL and BIL and his family, and step DH's sister. It was nice and we all got to talk about some things. I think it helped DH and the rest of the family. DH's grandma is doing hospice in MIL's home and so once she woke up DH and I took DS into her room and we visited with her. This really helped all of us and we got to see how positive she is that she is making the right decision and just see her. MIL explained the way hospice worked to us and let us know what was going on and everything the nurses told her. It truly did help.

Thank you for all of the the thoughts and information. It really did help so much.

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