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June 2012 Moms
Dad's GF at the hospital? Am I wrong? (sorry long)
My parents are divorced and have been for about 4 years. My dad has a GF and have lived together for about 2 1/2 years. I'm not super close to her and she's ok and all, but she's just my dad's GF. I am VERY close to my mom though. And GF makes my mom uncomfortable.
Anyway, I am having a repeat c-section and during the surgery its only going to be my DH in the room and my mom waiting around and after recovery and all that. My DH really wants her there b/c she is good is anything happens (I'm also a T1 diabetic) and it makes both of us much more comfortable. But my dad makes us both uneasy at times.....just b/c of the way he is. Too long to explain.
So I told my dad that on the first day he could come after work around 5pm to see us but that I only wanted him, my mom and my DH at the hospital. The in the subsequent days I would see how I felt and then my brother and sister and their SO's can visit (and of course our DS). But that was really all I wanted at the hospital. My last c-section was REALLY hard on me and I have a terrible reaction to anesthesia and I throw up for like the whole day after surgery so I don't really want to deal with anyone other than them. I told my dad that anyone else (implying his GF) can see me when I come home, or if I feel really good at the hospital a couple of days later.
My dad is so concerned with her being upset by this that I am afraid he is going to either bring her anyway or be cranky to me about it.
Anyone else is a similar situation? What would you guys do?
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Re: Dad's GF at the hospital? Am I wrong? (sorry long)
I am in a somewhat similar situation. My parents are also divorced, about the same length of time. My issue is that I'm not calling him until the baby is born, but I'm calling my mother (a L&D nurse) right away. We just decided to tell him that no one is coming until after the baby is born. He stresses me out way too much to have him in the waiting room.
As for the girlfriend, I would flat out tell him that you will invite her when you're ready for her. If he complains, he can wait to come in with her when you invite her. And if he's cranky while there without her, kick him out. But then again, I'm still bitter with my dad, you might have a better relationship than that.
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I can't say that I am in a similar situation, but if it were me...I'd stick to your guns. A c-section is pretty major surgery and I would not want any visitors besides close family if it were me. The bad thing is, will you be in any kind of shape to ward off unwanteds should he decide to bring her? Can DH run interference for you and ask them to kindly, but firmly, leave? Unfortunately, you may have to deal with you dad being a bit miffed because in his mind, they may "go together." You could also try to explain to him how he and his GF tend to cause discomfort, but that may not be taken the right way. Sorry, I am just rambling, but trying to think of different scenarios.
At any rate, I am sorry you are going through this and wish you GL in whatever you decide. Here is hoping that everyone is mature and supportive on that special day!
We thought about not calling him until after-but since its scheduled he knows when it is. However if baby "surprises" us, I may wait to call him. But I wanted to give him a "schedule" because he kept talking about taking vacation days when baby is born. Why, I have NO idea. But I understand about the "stressing" part-my dad stresses us out too and I just can't deal with all that. I am VERY worried GF will just show up though. Ugggg
Ooh! That's a good one. I'll tell the nurses only let those people in. What's funny is that GF IS a nurse (at a different hospital) and she will be mad! LOL (sorry, I'm not trying to be mean about my dad's GF, there just has been a lot of drama surrounding her lately)
I think this is a terrible idea.
First off, the nurses aren't there to monitor who is coming and going. When I've visited someone in the hospital all I've done is say "I'm here to visit Sally in Room 123." The hosptial will respect your wishes if you want no visitors at all, usually by putting a sign on your door, but I've never seen them screen people by name.
Second off, the situation gets even more messy when you have strangers deal with your family issues. If you don't want his GF there, then you should say that very clearly to your Father and make sure that he communicates that to her. If he won't, then you probably should send her an email explaining what you just explained to us.
I'm in a similar situation with my step mom - except I love her to death and my mom is being a baby about it. We finally said that no one will be at the hospital, even after the birth. If they want to visit, they'll have to make a time to come to our home.
I would lay down the law, and tell your dad no. He's a grown man, and if he chooses to be an a$$ about it, it's on him, not on you. He should realize what a special/stressful time this is on you, and respect your wishes. Period. If he does bring her, I'd not let either of them in to see you. Actions have consequences!
I was able to restrict visitors. The nurse asked my family and friends to leave - on my request. But she didn't go around the room and say "you can go, you can stay." She just entered the room and said that she needed to do a wound check and that it would be best if I rested for a while. I've also seen signs on the door of a room saying "patient isn't accepting visitors right now" or something like that.
But, I've never been asked for an ID or my name when I've entered the Mom & Baby floor. I guess if you had a restraining order against someone, you could probably give them and security a picture. But that seems awfully extreme for this situation.
Its not just my mom who is uncomfortable with her being there-I am too and so is my DH. I spent a lot of time in the hospital when I had my son being uncomfortable with people being there and my time with baby and DH was clouded because of that. I just don't want that to happen again.
Bottom line is that she's not my family, I'm not close to her, why do I need to make concessions for her? I wouldn't expect to be included if her kids had a kid.
You didn't say that. You said, "She's ok and all" etc etc "GF makes my mom uncomfortable".
You asked for advice, I gave it. No need to get snippy.
I guess I'm lucky because my hospital's maternity ward as a literal security door with a check-in desk with security staff. Each LD room submits a list of people who can come in during labor and during recovery, and if you aren't on the list, you aren't getting in. There is a phone available- so if someone who isn't on the list shows up, they can use the phone to call the room to see if we are accepting guests. It sounds kind of harsh to me- I can't imagine turning away someone who came to visit- but it does help to stem the flood of visitors and to give us some warning, and if I am breast feeding or otherwise indisposed, we can ask them to wait until we are ready for them. Also, my hospital is really strict about number of guests, children, and visiting hours.
If you don't have security at your hospital, than I would be very blunt with your dad about his GF. You could say that she makes your mom uncomfortable and that it is more important that your mom be happy than his girlfriend, so you are asking for the GF to wait until you are home to visit. You can soften the blow by saying that you realize what you are asking, and that you want the GF to meet your LO, but that you are really hoping he will understand and not take it personally. Tell him (even if it is a lie) that you are submitting a visitor list to your maternity ward, so if he shows up with her anyway, she won't be able to come in, which will cause unnecessarily hurt feelings and drama.
I am dealing with my own drama concerning people wanting to be able to come and go in my room while I am in labor (my FIL) so I understand where you are coming from. Good luck!
Then your father has no right to be angry or bring her. You are in no way wrong on this.
I agree with PP who say that she doesn't need to be there if you don't want her there, because NO ONE should be there unless you want them to be. This is a special, intimate time for your and your family. Not to mention the fact that you probably want some semblance of dignity after surgery.
If you're worried about drama, check your hospital's visitor policy. My birthing center has some pretty strict rules about how many people can be there at a time. If you're lucky, you might be able to avoid the whole issue.
I'm in the same category as a previous poster as far as not seeing what the big deal is.
You have two options well three but I won't go into the third
1. If you really want your dad to see you in the hospital then tell him straight out, do not IMPLY, that you do not want his GF visiting while at the hospital. If he brings her anyway, then you have the right to tell them to leave.
2. If you're not sure that he'll respect your wishes while in the hospital, tell him that you'd prefer he not come visit either until you're home. I say this because you said not only the GF makes you uncomfortable but your dad makes you and DH "uneasy".
I'm sorta in a similar situation except it's my mother's husband who I don't want there.
Stick to your guns. I'm sure there is a lot of back story just like there is with my situation. So I understand why it can be a "big deal" to not want this person there.
You've already expressed your wishes to your father. If he still brings GF, ask her to leave. Don't worry about hurting his feelings because if GF shows up, he clearly didn't care about yours.
Couldn't agree more. I would stick to your guns and tell them no one is allowed in your room without your approval. I know I'm able to restrict visitors and plan on doing so!
I'm with cchill01 on this one. If you don't want her there, don't make the nurses do the dirty work and "screen" your visitors and deal with your family issues. You need to make it clear to your dad that you do not want his wife there. If you can't do this then you can't be mad at him for not reading in to your "hints" that you don't want his GF there. In my experience most men do not pick up on subtle hints like the one you gave.
Bottom line, tell him HE is welcome and that his GF can see the new baby some time after you've come home, but that you don't want her at the hospital. If you think he's going to be upset by that, then how do you think he will feel if the nurses say "oh, I'm sorry....she isn't allowed in the room per the patient's wishes".
Update:
I emailed my dad and outright told him that I only want him, mom and my husband in the room and that she can meet the baby when I get home. A direct approach is best, and thanks for the advice, all of you. He has not responded (I know he got the email b/c he responded to it but asked a question about something else) but hopefully he understands.
As some of you put it, he should respect my feelings and I hope he does.
Thanks again to all of you for your advice and help! I really appreciate it!
Good luck to us all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!