How much do you expect out of DH/SO?

peachmuffins · May 2012

I may be being hormonal but I'm really starting to get PO'd about how much I have to do and how little he has to do. I've done everything.... baby showers, baby laundry washing, arrange the nursery, pick up all the other stuff we needed at BRU, BBB, target etc, hospital bag, find a pediatrician, put together swings/baby equipment, install carseat base... in addition to carrying our baby, working full time, house cleaning and ob appts.

I don't view any of it as some sort of horrible burden because I'm very grateful for this baby after 7 years of infertility, but I'm still annoyed that everything is in my lap and he just seems to be in lala land. Also adding fuel to the fire is the fact that I've had a full time job this whole time, and he's had a 25hr/wk job for maybe about 3 months and i make quite a bit more than him, so most of the bills are on me too. This is the best job he's been able to find so far.. and he's always looking for something better but in addition to everything else it still burns my bottom that he has tons of free time and i'm just exhausted.

So I just want to know what you expect out of your DH/SO... am I just being a witch because I'm hormonal?

girlsonly · May 2012

I would expect more than 25 hour work week from my dh and 50/50 share in chores

danslilgrizzly · May 2012

To be honest, I don't know what I would do if my dh had been like that during this pregnancy. Have you talked to him about it? I know some guys just aren't that into all the baby stuff, but some of the things you're talking about are just practical things that need to be done, and should be shared responsibilities whether you're pg or not (unless you've happily established otherwise).

sheilatakesabow · May 2012

In your shoes, I would definitely expect him to be doing more of the household chores, grocery shopping (even if you're doing the planning and making him a list) and things like putting together swings and installing car seats.

mobiz · May 2012

the work thing skews it for me. if that is his current schedule he defintiely should be getting some things done too. if you could even give him one task per day to help with that would be great.

however, i'm not one to talk because i too do all of the baby related things, including working 35 hours a week and doing 95% of the care of our toddler we already have. (but my husband works more hours) i feel like i've gotten myself in this situation because he's just used to me doing it all and in pregnancy i have been able to keep it all up. but i'm getting resentful so it's definitely come out in a few arguments lately.

my only advice is that guys can be clueless and have to be specifically asked to do something and then they'll do it. you are the pregnant one so you feel the sense of urgency with baby stuff a little more. and women tend to just get things done as part of our nature (i'm TOTALLY generalizing here, but this is my experience and what a lot of my friends say theirs is too...i am sure there are many amazing guys out there who know what needs to be done, i just am not married to them

SweetHurricane · May 2012

Does he know that you want help? I think that a lot of the time guys treat having a baby like planning a wedding - they stay out of it unless they're asked. If you need something from the store, make a list and ask him to go. Next time you buy a baby gear item, ask him to put it together.

LottaLattes · May 2012

I would need him to do more than what you describe but I wouldn't expect that he would know to do so. If you haven't, you need to sit down and divvy up responsibilities. Men very rarely just naturally pick up household work. I was on bed rest and mine was forced to but he took several weeks before he felt like he had it under control (and now he appreciates me all that much more

khill86 · May 2012

I don't know that I have a set of expectations for DH, but I can tell you what I "get." DH has come to every OB appointment with me (even the ones that fell on really crazy work weeks), he went to pre-natal classes with me, and he has been shopping and helped to pick out all the baby gear. DH was the one to actually push to start buying things and made the suggestions to go to BRU or OUAC and every time we're at Wal-Mart, he asks if we need to get anything else for the baby.

What he hasn't done is step up his contribution to household work at all. All DH does at home is take care of the lawn (and we're in the process of getting a quote to hire a company for the season) and clears the driveway in the winter. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry, and most of the pet care.

I made all of the "lists" - what we need for the baby, what needs to be packed in the hospital bag, the diaper bag, etc. I've washed, organized, and put away all of the baby's clothes, toys, shoes, blankets, diapers, etc.

I had a terrible go of it for the first 18 weeks, throwing up every single day, bad headaches for weeks at a time, and just plain miserable. Since then I've had a wonderfully easy pregnancy. I'm just starting to not sleep and I'm a little bit uncomfortable during the night, but otherwise, I have no complaints. I guess I never "expected" DH to help with getting things ready (although I have begged him to please make shelves and put them up in the nursery and am crossing my fingers he will surprise me while I'm at the cottage next week). I don't feel like he hasn't done enough and I haven't really considered whether I wanted him to do more.

One thing I would probably come to resent, was if DH worked part-time. I have busted my butt working 2 and 3 jobs at a time since high school. For the last 5 years or so, I haven't NEEDED to work 2 or 3 jobs, but I have been bad at saying no to an opportunity, and then I'm bad at walking away from a commitment. Until last Saturday I was still working 3 jobs and put in 95 hours combined last week! And that's considering that my full-time 9-5 job pays me more that $6000 more than what DH makes at his full-time job! I do understand that the market has pretty slim pickings at this point, but I would expect an expectant dad, especially, to be working himself ragged at 2 or 3 jobs to allow US to be as comofortable as possible. That may be an unreasonable expectation, though, and only one that I hold because of my own self-destructive work ethic. I would actually hate if DH worked as much as I do because we would never see each other and he would miserable. As long as he works full-time, I'm happy.

cchill01 · May 2012

If you think you're being put upon now - just wait until the baby comes. I would have a serious conversation about your expectations for now AND later.

aprillle · May 2012

I expect lots and lots of $$$$ from my DH Big Smile

All kidding aside I do expect him to help out around the house and with errands and he is normally very good about it. But I have found that as a man he is pretty much clueless (bless his little man heart) and I have to tell him exactly what I need, when I need it and what I need done. I really do think some men are wired this way and he needs to be told. Now, after I have told him a few times he picks it up and starts helping me more and more.

But when we were first married - man, it was bad! It was like having a puppy that I had to train. Yes, I am joking again!!

Talk to him and tell him what you need. If he is working less hours than you - yep he really needs to step it up.

luvtodanz · May 2012

For us, we both work full time (although he works from home, so he does little chores and projects around the house when he's got free time), he mows the lawn (and I do the landscaping/flowers, but that is not happening this year), I clean up dog poop and he cleans the cat boxes (this was the set up even before I got pregnant), we do our own laundry, we share household chores such as cleaning/dishes/cooking. As for baby related things, he helped me set up the swing/jumperoo when I needed help, put together the crib, came to the shower when it was time to open gifts, I did all the baby's laundry on a day off, and he'll help with other things that I cannot do anymore.

I think you need to discuss with him what you want/need from him now and after the baby is born. DH and I have set up a plan for after baby is born, we are going to do every other night, so the other can get some sleep. However, on his nights on he'll wake me up for feedings until I start to pump. We believe that taking care of a baby is a joint effort and although I will be the feeding machine, that doesn't mean DH can't help with everything else like baths, going to doctor's appointments, etc.

jc0n15 · May 2012

You sound just like me. I put up with this until about 30 or so weeks. Then I completely lost it on him when he went golfing while I was working and had tons of work to do on the house (the nursery wasn't even set up). It seem to work because he has been working his butt off on getting the construction done on the house and keeping it clean at the same time. He still doesn't get the whole pregnancy thing though because he will stand there laughing at me trying to tie my shoes instead of asking to help.

jc0n15 · May 2012

You sound just like me. I put up with this until about 30 or so weeks. Then I completely lost it on him when he went golfing while I was working and had tons of work to do on the house (the nursery wasn't even set up). It seem to work because he has been working his butt off on getting the construction done on the house and keeping it clean at the same time. He still doesn't get the whole pregnancy thing though because he will stand there laughing at me trying to tie my shoes instead of asking to help.

jc0n15 · May 2012

You sound just like me. I put up with this until about 30 or so weeks. Then I completely lost it on him when he went golfing while I was working and had tons of work to do on the house (the nursery wasn't even set up). It seem to work because he has been working his butt off on getting the construction done on the house and keeping it clean at the same time. He still doesn't get the whole pregnancy thing though because he will stand there laughing at me trying to tie my shoes instead of asking to help.

khill86 · May 2012

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention... Once the baby comes, I have decided that I do not expect DH to wake in the night. He will still be working, I will be off for a year. He is a terrible sleeper as it is. I told him that plan - that I do not expect him to get up in the night, BUT I do expect help on Friday and Saturday nights. If I am absolutely exhausted and beat, I'll expect him to help me. He can live with a few sleepless nights, although I don't expect to share those 50-50.

mylittlesunshine · May 2012

cchill01:
If you think you're being put upon now - just wait until the baby comes. I would have a serious conversation about your expectations for now AND later.

Agreed.

RioG1978 · May 2012

I expect a lot of my DH. A LOT. And he delivers. He does almost all of the cooking. I do almost all of the cleaning, but some stuff we share. We grocery shop together. We did all the baby shopping together. We did the nursery together, though he puts together all of the gear while I stand by helpfully.

We both work full time. He is an avid golfer and likes to golf several times a week. He knows that is going to have to change in a few weeks, so I'm happy to let him get in as much as he can now, provided I'm not left at home twiddling my thumbs and doing all the work.

It's a partnership. That's the only way it can be, or I wouldn't be married. We've also already hammered out how it's going to be after the baby - it will STILL be a partnership, even if some stuff is left mostly to me due to me haivng breasts.

It hasn't always been this way. We've been together for 8 years, living together for 7, married for almost 4... it took a while to hammer out a good routine. I'm glad we waited to have kids (this is our first) until now, because if we had tried this even 5 years ago, it would have been WWIII around here.

MaLvAiNiE · May 2012

I would make damn sure he got a better job to support our child and make sure he was doing his share! That's not too much to ask from the father of your child.

Stephanie0905 · May 2012

My husband and I both work full time and he's really stepped up in helping me the past few weeks. He came to every doctor appointment with me until 20 weeks, we suffered a miscarriage last May and had a lot of early ultrasounds this time around. He has helped me with everything in the nursery and cooks dinner at least half the week. He also started grocery shopping with me a few weeks ago. We bought all of the big baby purchases together and he set the registries up with me. He has also been doing about 80% of the housework since it hurts to move. haha. I am very surprised and happy on how much he has stepped up with the housework and cooking.

JessieCupcake · May 2012

sheilatakesabow:
In your shoes, I would definitely expect him to be doing more of the household chores, grocery shopping (even if you're doing the planning and making him a list) and things like putting together swings and installing car seats.

I agree completely.

Have you asked him to do things and he says no?? There's no way I could put up with this if it were my H. Especially now so far along in the pregnancy; I need a lot of help.

amberlynnr7 · May 2012

I don't expect much out of my DH. He works about 60hrs a week, though. & I'm a SAHM. I do most things & usually don't expect a lot out of him, but there ARE certain things he's responsible for around here. Mostly, that includes yard work, taking in the trash, etc. Basically, the "dirty" jobs. I put together our swing, did most of the re-painting of our house & am doing everything in the nursery I can by myself. However, there is a wall that needs re-drywalled. He will handle that.

I don't think you are being hormonal at all. I feel like you have every right. Unfortunately, the things that are important to us...are not as important to them.

Want a personalized experience?

How much do you expect out of DH/SO?

Re: How much do you expect out of DH/SO?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards