Mom in delivery room?

sbthomps · May 2012

I have been reading books and planning for my birth. I wanted to go natural last time but with a breech baby I ended up with a C-section. This time around I am really hoping for a natural birth with a VBAC. My DH totally supports me but for some reason I am just not feeling all that prepared. I would love to hire a duola but there are none in our area. So that is really out of the question. So the only left besides DH is my mom (that I would even consider. Otherwise no family at all is allowed in the room until after the birth!!) I was planning on this being the story for my mom too, but now I am wondering...

The hospital I am delivering at is great. All the nurses know about breastfeeding, they encourge skin to skin and the baby stays in the room with you at least 23 out of every 24 hours. I had my first DD there and feel very comfortable there. Not 100% sure of natural birth policy because again, last time was C-section, but...

I am hoping the midwife at my practice can deliver this LO. I see her in a week and will ask her if she is willing to do VBACs. But talking with the OBs they say I have to have IV hook up but otherwise they are all fine with no meds. And truely, I am ok with IV hookup. I will still have full mobilty and with my veins it can take 20-30 minutes to get an IV in so in an emergency, I would rather already have it there.

But I find myself wondering if I should ask my mom to be in the delivery room with us. It would allow some pressure off DH (especially depending on the number of hours of labor), she would happily sit in the corner quiet if I wished it or prefered it. Both of her births were natural. She knows lots about the medical lingo, and if something came up she can be beyond pushy and stubborn and make sure it went how I wanted it to go. Or inform me that intervention is truely needed.

However, having said that, she can also drive me up the wall at times (as I am sure all mothers can) and I just can't figure out. Would it be beneficial or annoying to have her there? I hate to have find myself wishing she was there but I also hate to find myself wishing I that she wasn't.

I am open to thoughts or suggestions or input or such.

ChynaDholl · May 2012

Can you maybe take a class with your DH so you both feel prepared and you feel more comfortable with him being able to speak up for you when you're not able to? If you are really comfortable with your MW, I say use your DH. You may want to read reviews on the hospital and their VBAC experiences and not just take the Drs word for it though. GL, hope it all works out well for you.

FyreFlyeRush · May 2012

My mom was with me when DD was born, and she loved the experience. She'll be with me again. We hit a small snag when she disapproved of my NB plan, but found a comfortable compromise. IE, she can leave the room. Oh, and my mother drives me batty. She disapproves of natural weening, natural birth, and sneers the whole time someone does something she disapproves of. Still, when it came down to it, I wouldn't have it any other way.

jellybeanjean · May 2012

For my first, I just had DH and was on the fence about my mom. We have a great relationship and she'll, as you said, sit in the corner and get out of my way if I want her too...but I wasn't sure if I wanted her there, and she wasn't completely sure she wanted to be there (she had four natural deliveries). Ended up she couldn't stay away, and I didn't want her to leave. Smile She was very helpful without stepping on either mine or DH's toes, and it still really was "our" moment with her in the background.

With DS2, I knew I wanted her there. However, labor went so ridiculously fast, that she showed up when I was 8cm, and four minutes later, I was holding my baby. Still glad she was there to witness the delivery, even if she wasn't around for much of the labor.

All that to say...can you play it by ear? Do you have the kind of relationship that you can tell her you think you'd probably like her support, but want to kind of take it minute by minute? Some people become much more introverted in labor, and some want all the support (verbal, physical, emotional) from anyone they can get it from. Good luck either way!

Bonidiebabe · May 2012

I felt exactly the way you did about whether or not to invite my mom. In the end, I'm glad she was there but most likely I won't have her there next time. I say that now cuz I know I can do it and I know my DH is awesome. she took videos of the pushing stage and the birth although I did not ask her to. I'm glad she did.

sbthomps · May 2012

Thanks Ladies. My Mom will be fine playing things by ear or waiting around if we need her. DH and I are going to talk to her about playing it by ear and seeing how she feels about it. Thanks.

BrideNamedMeg · May 2012

When we had DD in the hospital, it as just DH and me - it was very nice but he barely had a chance to pee or grab a quick bite because I needed him to apply counter pressure to my lower back for every contraction.

For DS, we were home and I knew I wanted to have more people around incase things went long again to give DH a break. So for our homebirth besides our midwife team, we had a doula, my sister (who was mainly there to photograph the birth) and my mom who was firstly in charge of DD but was also there to offer support as well. I talked to her ahead of time and made my expectations clear - that I wanted her there, but if things changed and I said get out, not to take it personally that's just what I would need from her in that moment. Fortunately, she was great and I never felt the need to be alone in my labor so she was able to be there for the birth. During the pushing stage she kept cold compresses on my forehead and brought me water or honey when I needed it. I think we'll plan something similar for #3 when the time comes.

So long story short, if you want her there I say go for it, but make sure you have a conversation with her ahead of time because you don't always know how you'll feel when you're in labor so her goal should be to help you in any way, even if that means leaving you alone

Celyn · May 2012

I'm adopted, so my mom had never experienced birth in person. I was happy to got to be there at the end for me (she had to take my grandmother to the ER for most of my labor, but was with me for the pushing).

I think it really depends on your relationship with your mom. Would she be ok if you changed your mind, mid-labor, and needed to be alone?

Twirple · May 2012

I asked my Mom to be in the room with us for the labor, but requested that she leave for the actual delivery. I wanted it to be just DH and I for the delivery so that we could have that bonding time. We talked about it before hand and Mom was fine with it. She was supportive during the labor and left the room when I was dilated to 10 cm. The only problem is that she was worried because I was pushing for 1.5 hours. She was in labor with me for 2 hours from first contraction until my birth, so she was convinced something was wrong. After DS was born, she was the first person into the delivery room to visit. It was exactly what I wanted.

ljanette85 · May 2012

I think it depends on your relationship with your mom and your comfort leve. Im allowing my fiance, his mom, my mom and even our sisters in the room ( i want lots of familiar female support) BUT of all those people I want my mom there...she delivered 4 babies, 3 med free, and she just gets it. I want her support. go with what makes you comfortable

danieliza1127 · May 2012

sbthomps:
Thanks Ladies. My Mom will be fine playing things by ear or waiting around if we need her. DH and I are going to talk to her about playing it by ear and seeing how she feels about it. Thanks.

That was going to be my suggestion. If she's in the waiting room, you can always just call her in if you decide you need or want her.

wannabigfam · May 2012

Honestly with our first, despite taking the Bradley class, I really doubted my husband's ability to retain the information he learned & apply it appropriately (as well as his ability to advocate for me under pressure if needed). At the same time, I didn't want anyone else in the delivery room w/ us (a doula or family member), so I felt like it was going to be my job to advocate for myself and remember all of the relaxation techniques. It's not that I didn't trust my husband, it was more that I felt he would freak in the moment and get scared by anything medical, since he does not have a medical background. He also was kind of goofy during the Bradley class and made a lot of jokes, so I wasn't sure how much he was REALLY retaining of what we learned.

Boy was I WRONG. He was amazing. Seriously, blew me away - in fact I told him the other day I couldn't have done it without him. He said he didn't feel like he did anything, but he is so wrong. He was calm, cool and collected, read my cues (if I needed silence, if I needed him to push on my back, time the contractions, whatever it was, he did it without me having to coach him through what to do). We had a very fast, fast birth that almost happened at home so it's even more amazing that he was so calm. They even let him deliver the baby at the hospital :-) (And I wasn't sure he would even want to be down there at all!)

Since then, we've had several friends who have had babies and when I tell him about their birth experience / story, he's made comments like "well don't they know laboring on your back can cause a cascade of interventions", etc. Meaning I know he was paying attention AND believes in natural birth - which is I think the key. You want someone advocating for you that believes in what you want.

My point is, since you can't have a doula, perhaps your husband would be a wonderful support system. I would recommend the Bradley class if you guys have one around your area. It was wonderful for us, and what was really important about it is that it got my husband actively involved in the pregnancy. 2 hours a week it was just the two of us & other class members, focusing on the new baby - like a special date night.

My mom is my best friend, but I haven't wanted her in the delivery room (or even waiting at the hospital - we don't want anyone waiting there b/c it makes us feel "pressure" to hurry up - so we call everyone to say I went into labor AFTER the baby is born). Even though it would be special for my mom to be there if I could guarantee a healthy, event-free birth - I feel like I don't want ANYONE there other than my husband in case of an emergency. I don't want to hear anyone's opinion other than my husbands, and because I know he is 100% on board w/ a natural birth I feel comfortable w/ him. If I were you, think of the worst case, most stressful situation you could be in while giving birth. Like a life or death decision . Who do you want there with you during that moment????

fryrat · May 2012

Why don't you talk to your mom and let her know that you'd like her support, but if you ask her to leave, no offense. Tell her you don't know if you will be all "i want my mommy" or "i want to be alone"

alanap · May 2012

I had this same question when I was planning my delivery plan with my first child. I love my mom and knew she would LOVE to be included, but was worried that she might stress me out.

And she did...she was so excited that she was calling people on the phone while I was laboring. But I yelled at her and she stopped.

All in all, I wouldn't not have changed it at all. It makes for a funny story, plus my mother died from breast cancer a few years later so it is a previous memory that I will cherish.

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