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The thing I am having the hardest time with

socloudy99socloudy99 member
in Blended Families

is letting them learn things on their own. Any tips for this would be appreciated.

I do need to step back and think more about what I am saying. I am just not sure where the line is of just letting them go whilly nilly and not letting them get the natural life lessons they should learn as a teen.

I know I can't protect them from everything but I must be trying to protect them from too much. I want them to leave the home some what prepared for the real world but I know what I am doing right now isn't working.

Maybe poor SD16 isn't getting what she needs from us since she is the first teen. I am hoping to fix this now. I don't want to have something be relationship ending. I don't want to make the same mistakes with the three coming behind her.

Any tips would be appreciated!

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Re: The thing I am having the hardest time with

  • fellesferiefellesferie member

    I haven't parented a teenager yet, but for whatever it's worth, I think you're doing fine. 

    Just because she's going to get emo or ragey when you criticize her clothing choice doesn't mean that you can't comment when she makes poor choices. You and YH have to enforce your rules, and your SD has to live by them whether she likes them or not.

    Most schools have dress codes, so just to make everyone's life easier, I would just use those guidelines. If what she's wearing doesn't break any school rules, then you should give some thought to whether you're being reasonable and whether this is really a fight you want to have.

    But every teen fights with their parents and thinks they're evil at some point or another. I've heard a lot of parents say that you know you're doing it right when the kids loathe you. Whether that's true or fits everyone's parenting style, who knows.

    If you're wondering whether your rules are too rigid or your consequences appropriate, I would advise sitting down with a family therapist. We did this last summer with DS, and it was helpful for me to hear that my rules/punishments/rewards were okay.

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  • PhantomgirlPhantomgirl member

    Live and let live is my advice to you.

    Your skids are teens so they are less likely to view you as a parent figure.  you and DH can decide all you like that you are a parent figure BUT you cannot force them to see you as one.

    Be a role model by modelling good behaviour and giving solid advice when asked.  Otherwise let your DH and their mother 'parent' them.

    If their mom and dad are ok with them wearing short shorts then there simply is nothing you can do (except side eye your DH for allowing it).

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  • PhantomgirlPhantomgirl member
    imagefellesferie:

    Just because she's going to get emo or ragey when you criticize her clothing choice doesn't mean that you can't comment when she makes poor choices. You and YH have to enforce your rules, and your SD has to live by them whether she likes them or not.

    felles I got a step mom as a teen and I can assure you any comments by her would have been met with attitude.

    Its different if you build a relationship while they are young kids BUT if they are teens then I would not suggest the route of criticizing anything.

    My brother is 30 next month and if you told him our SM dropped off the face of the earth he would probably shrug and get over it. 

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  • socloudy99socloudy99 member
    imagePhantomgirl:
    imagefellesferie:

    Just because she's going to get emo or ragey when you criticize her clothing choice doesn't mean that you can't comment when she makes poor choices. You and YH have to enforce your rules, and your SD has to live by them whether she likes them or not.

    felles I got a step mom as a teen and I can assure you any comments by her would have been met with attitude.

    Its different if you build a relationship while they are young kids BUT if they are teens then I would not suggest the route of criticizing anything.

    My brother is 30 next month and if you told him our SM dropped off the face of the earth he would probably shrug and get over it. 

    Thank you for the advise but just to clarify I have been her SM for the past 8 years so I didn't come into a "teen" situation. I have been their from helping with elementary homework, to her 1st school dance, to high school. Plenty of your advise still applies but I just wanted to make that clear. My younger SKs don't remember a time before I was married to their dad.

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  • WahooWahoo member

    I would make it clear that BECAUSE you love SD, you have high standards for her. 

    My DD is only 9.  We are already getting the "you HATE me....." "you DON'T LOVE me...." etc.  I constantly tell her that if I didn't hate her (or I thought she was stupid, etc.) I wouldn't care about her grades.  I would just agree that she is never going to be a good student.  Or that I care about how she looks b/c I love her and want her to look nice.

    She knows what the standards are for skirts at school (must put hands by your side, and skirt must be longer than the ends of your finger).  When she is older, you can bet that I will tell her that because I love her I don't want her walking around like a streetwalker (lol - we'll use the Italian word "putan"). 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
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