- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Toddlers: 24 Months+
groovygrl
member
tantrums that don't end?
groovygrl
member
seriously what do you do when a kid is so stubborn & can just go on & on w/ the screaming & tantruming? I instituted a 'go upstairs in your room until you've calmed down' thing several weeks ago but that doesnt help at all. she continues to rant & scream for 30 min or more in her room, roams around the upstair (no lock on her door), slams doors, throw things, etc. She doesnt even know why she is screaming after awhile but will not stop. A hug does not solve this, when I try I get hit/pushed away. Today it started b/c I was making her lunch & told her we were having eggs and she started yelling that she wanted grilled cheese & I very calmly told her we just had grilled cheese a day or two ago and we were having eggs today (which she always gobbles down), she continued to scream that she wanted grilled cheese & when I told her no again, she opened up the tantrum. I can't sit outside her door & force her to stay in there as I'm feeding her brother lunch at the same time. I tried to entice her by telling her that he is eating, etc but she continues to bat at me and scream.
Lunch is no later than usual today, she slept well last night & didn't get up any earlier than usual so I don't think tired is an issue that is any different than any other day, she is just a very stubborn child who consistently screams at the top of her lungs to get what she wants (like blood curdling, you want to stick your fingers in your ears if you're within 15 feet of her kind).
Any advice aside from 1-2-3 magic (this tantrum just about came out of nowhere so there wasnt a warning period or anything)
ETA I went up about 5-10 min after sending her upstairs and tried to give hugs and talk to her and was met with total resistance. Went up again about 10 min later to talk when it sounded like maybe she was getting quieter and she continued to scream and walk away, had trashed the play area up there, i offered a hug, to hold her hand and walk down the stairs together,etc. Nothing.
ETA2: she walked downstairs, continuing to scream at the top of her lungs, walked over to the kitchen table, picked up her plate of eggs and threw it on the floor. Carried her back up to her room, the screaming continues. I'm going to lose my mind. She better take one heck of a nap.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: tantrums that don't end?
I would have said "YOU are MAD, Mad! You want EGGS!!!" I usually repeat what my daughter says in a similar tone and with gusto. At that point she almost always calms down because I 'heard' her.
Now depending on how persistent she is (I prefer to say persistent rather than stubborn) You can compromise with her... if she calms down say "would you like cheese with your eggs?"(or something you are willing to compromise with) This ALWAYS works with my daughter (she knows what she likes as well) I make sure it is something I am willing to give (i.e. I wouldn't give a cookie instead) Mainly I say this because If you are being 'stubborn' and not willing to compromise on anything then does it surprise you she does the same?
I just started reading "raising your spirited child" and even though I am only 1/2 way through it I have learned tons and it rings so true with my daughter... and It sounds like your daughter is 'spirited' as well.
Little Rose is 2 1/2.
Thanks...they're twins actually so it is unrelated to the sibling.
I have tried voicing the emotions before too but she just screams in my face and won't talk or anything. She seriously goes from 0 to 100 in the ballistic dept. Her brother responds more to the whole labeling the emotion thing, she usually won't talk or anything during this, just continues to scream uncontrollably, the only word that ever comes out is "NO" when I offer a hug or whatever. But yes, she is spirited, maybe I should read it.
I was not willing to make her a different meal than I was making (the eggs are always made with cheese & there is nothing else I can really do with them to compromise). What I did tell her after the screaming started was that she could have raspberries (her fave fruit & one we don't have all the time b/c of the cost) with it so I did try to add on something enticing to make it more interesting to her but honestly, I'm not making her grilled cheese because she screams her head off so if that is being stubborn, then so be it.
ETA yet again she finally calmed down (in my closet) and I went to get her & quietly hugged her and she said she wanted raspberries. we started to walk downstairs together & she sat on a step and refused to go any further. I tried once again to verbalize the feelings and she shook her head when I said, you're mad that you didn't want eggs? Then she proceed to yell at me to be quiet. Every time I tried to get up & walk downstairs the screaming started. 5 min of that I finally just walked away. She has started up again and has closed herself in some room upstairs, I dont even know which one. Just hit the 1 hr mark.
Yeah stupid lever handles complicate my life
. LIke I said, DS was downstairs eating so I could'nt sit up there outside her door & keep taking her back over & over while he was eating, I'm not really that comfortable leaving him alone eating for long periods of time but I agree, if I could have done that I would have.
Sorry you are having such a rough time. Our rule (for tantrums) is that you stay in your room until you calm down. They know when they are "done" they can come back downstairs. I don't go in the room even if they seem calm, because I think they might need a little more alone time, and I like the fact that they have the "control" to decide when they are ready to come down. If they come out before they are done I tell them to go back upstairs (they wouldn't even make it to the bottom of the stairway, esp. if they were screaming). If they do not go on their own, I will take them.
It's never easy in the beginning, I can remember sending DS2 back to his room 10+ times before he took the time to calm down. Even now there is an "off" day when I will have to take them back upstairs, but for the most part they will listen (no one is perfect). Most of the time when I send them up they are there for 3-10 minutes and are happy when they come back down, if they start to harp on the same issue I will tell theme that if they continue they will go back upstairs.
I'd also have her pick up the mess she made when she was done with her tantrum. Kids learn not to throw things very quickly when they are the ones to clean up after themselves.
I hope it gets better for you.
i have recently learned that any kind of conflict between us will escalate her tantrums. so if she wants a grilled cheese and i make eggs and that's what i tell her and she shouts NOOOO I WANT GRILLED CHEESE, i bite my tongue and say nothing. inside it ticks me off that she's responding that way (b/c to me it's irrational) but if i argue with her, she will go off. so i bite my tongue and say NOTHING until lunch is ready (using your example). if i in any way feed into/acknowledge her demands, she will go on and on and on. if i ignore, she will grow tired of complaining and stop. come actual time to eat, she may get pissed again when she realizes it's eggs and not grilled cheese and that's when i will put her in her room to calm down.
but she's only one child so i'm not sure how i would handle it with two. and maybe you've already tried the ignoring thing. sorry if not even that isn't working. hopefully today's tantrum was a fluke?
click the pic (blog)
What she said. I think I'd try to switch to door knobs or get a new door that takes knobs if ou have to. These tantrums will last for a few years. This in the room to have your tantrum is the only thing that works with the strong willed types. I've been there done that. And when they get old enough to go up in their room by them selves and they slam the door that's when you take the door off the hinges. This happens around age 6. Good luck!
Wow I think we have the same 2 year old.
I think they they sell door knob things for the door handles..
We have the ones for the door knobs, not that it matters because they don't stop my 2 year old from opening doors.
123 magic was not magic for us.
My brain is fried right now, so I can't really comment, but I feel your pain, Im in a similar boat. But I agree with others, Tim goes to his room, more often then not he goes on his own, and will stay there and until he's done. I let him calm down. when he comes out I don't ask him "are you done ..." I ask him if he wants a hug and then move on. The less you say during and after a tantrum I find the better.
But reading this made me realize my 2 year old is not the only one. I just get annoyed with how some people seem to have the best behaved child, and they're child would never throw a tantrum....
feel free to PM me and vent if you need to. Good luck!
You've received some good advice. What's working best for me is giving him the words when he's frustrated. Also, ignoring (stop talking!) but giving him some "tools" to self-soothe (for us, it is a cup of milk and his blanket.)
We also read this book not long ago. Now, we have taught my son to "make the fit go away". He actually will say, "Go away, fit!" This seems to help him see that he isn't the bad behavior, and he can control it.
https://www.amazon.com/Finn-Throws-Fit-David-Elliott/dp/0763656046/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1337126740&sr=8-1
I agree that you should sort out a way to keep her in her room; change the door knob and get a door knob blocker, turn it around so it locks from the outside, etc. Then I would react immediately to the tantrum, calmly take her to her room where you tell her she has to stay until she's calm and asks nicely to come out. Then ignore it; no negotiating, no checking on her, etc. It won't be easy no doubt, but I think it may prove effective. The one exception I might make to the 'dont disturb her' rule might be that if she starts throwing things, I'd go in and calmly take things out: whatever she threw, her favorite toys, etc. Throwing things is unacceptable and not how to treat our things, so I'd take them away.
Good luck, mama! My son went through some incredibly difficult 'terrible 2s and 3s' and now DD is starting to have some mega tantrums as well. It's exhausting and frustrating for sure, and you're definitely not alone!
I know it makes it "easier" to lock them in their room, but IMHO I don't think it's the best solution long term. I think it's more important to teach them to stay where they are told, even if it takes more of your time right now. It progresses into how they listen to you when they get older. If you are in a parking lot and you say "stop" will they listen, or will you have to hold/restrain them to get them to listen?
Self control is a very crucial part of development and it doesn't happen over night. I know I don't have twins, but I do have 5 kids, and I know what it's like to try to be 3 places at the same time. Its hard and crazy sometimes, but I wouldn't be able to take all 5 of them out to parks, restaurants etc. if they didn't listen when I spoke.
For those who lock their child in the room, what do you do when your child has a tantrum outside of the home?
Hey thanks all...very good tips & also some nice commiseration
.
I am also on the fence about the locking in thing (we did change out the handle on DS's room to lock him in at bedtime/overnight b/c when he went to a bed he kept leaving & in the middle of the night even ) but I feel like the room should be a 'safe' place and being locked into it as part of discipline seems like it could fuel a fire...she's a fiesty one & I think would go nuts. I am going to try just taking her back over & over first (hopefully next time I won't have another child eating a meal downstairs simultaneously). I also agree that I would like them to follow my directions & listen to me but I do understand why ppl use knob covers & stuff to keep them from coming out. Everyone's method is different & works for them, I just have to figure out my method I guess b/c they don't listen to me know. I have to phsyically hold them in time out a lot of the time b/c they try to walk/roll/crawl/climb away, and I've been doing time out since before they were 2. (I dont have to do this all the time but maybe 50% of the time).
(on the knob covers for the lever handles, all the reviews I've read are very mixed, break easily, kids figure out easily, or they have to screw into the door & I don't want to make holes)...
But to follow up on my fantastic day yesterday...
the tantrum went on for 70 min. I went upstairs & talked to her 3 times during this period when it sounded like she was calming down a little. The first two were unsuccessful and on the third I had brought her brother upstairs after his lunch to get ready for nap and I think it dawned on her that she had missed lunch & now it was nap time, uh oh. When I got him settled in his room she agreed to come down & eat the fruit that I would have given her anyway and she was quite lovely...went down for nap immediately after b/c I'm sure she was exhausted after all that screaming.
BUT. after sleeping she woke up screaming again. There was an actual sweat ring on her pillow and I thought she was having a night terror in her nap (she has had them before) b/c of the sweating and the screaming & not looking at me, etc. I tried to soothe her & gently rouse her but at some point I realized she was awake (she was somewhat answering some of my questions) and was tantruming over I have no idea what... I felt at a total loss and was worried she was sick or there was something seriously wrong with her. I kept asking if something hurt, if she was sick, etc and all she would do was maybe say no (or not) but then at some point when I would ask a question, she started stopping crying, looking at me and slapping both hands down on her thighs or the floor. It was really weird, almost like she was using that action to say no (or yes but I think no). Then back to screaming. She even started screaming so loud if I would try to talk to her that she'd cover her own ears (at which point I thought maybe it was all an ear thing but once she calmed down & would talk to me she denies any problem w/ her ears & was fine the rest of the day/night/this morning). After 30 minutes of this and insane screaming if I tried to walk downstairs (I just sat at the top of the stairs w/ my head in my hands after awhile hoping for some mercy) she all of a sudden looked at me and said- I want some water. We walked downstairs, I was getting her water & she said, I need a snack too. And it was over. I wanted to leave her in her room for this whole thing but my worry that there was a real problem took precedence since I've never had her wake up from a nap in that state.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
OK sorry that was mega long.