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Adoption
CaptainSerious
member
Mother's Day
CaptainSerious
member
in Adoption
I've been debating writing about this, but it helped me to know that others have gone through similar situations, and I want to put it out there for others, so that if they find themselves going through it, it may help to know it's not uncommon, especially for children who've lived with their biological parents before being adopted or entering another family.
M was looking forward to Mother's Day like any other kid. He made me something really special in school and came into the house and hid it under his bed on Friday afternoon. On Saturday, he mentioned a few things about Peru, and then started talking about his biological mother and her boyfriend, who he has referred to on occasion as his "father" (but always immediately points out that he is not really his father). We asked him if he was worried about her and told him it's okay to be sad about her and to miss her.
He was talking about her again just before bedtime, so I told him again how sorry I was that he had to lose her, and that my heart hurts for him because he hurts for her. He told me that he thinks she's dead. The last thing he knows about her is that she was incarcerated, and he things she died there, but we know she was released. I told him that I think she's still alive and asked him if he'd like to light a candle the next evening at dinner to honor her. He said he'd like that. I hated leaving him like that, but he didn't want to be cheered up and he went to bed sad.
The next day, Mother's Day, he woke up terribly depressed. We went to the early service at church and while he was very well behaved, he was just so incredibly sad. Everytime someone mentioned Mother's Day, it was like a shock went through him. I just wanted everyone to stop bringing it up, but what could I do? I smiled and thanked everyone for their Mother's Day wishes, but couldn't wait to get home. He took a several-hour nap, and then awoke in a bad mood. He lost his cool a bit and we unfortunately had to consequence the behavior. We explained that we understood he was sad, but he had to keep his behavior under control. We salvaged the afternoon by going to a community play (he's been asking to do that) and having frozen yogurt sundaes in town. As the day got later, he seemed to be feeling a bit better, or at least grew tired of being so upset.
I just want to put it out there that although I read that some adopted kids can experience sadness on Mother's Day, it quite surprised me. M was looking forward to it, talked about it, and didn't have any problems with it last year. But, as he's grown closer to us and trusts us more, he also talks more about his biological mother with us, and we are letting him know it's okay to have his feelings regarding her and to share them with us. I guess that's all he needed to know, because he was truly in mourning.
I just want to let other adoptive parents know that this is a possibility, and it's awful. Not because "my day" was ruined, but because I had to watch my son grieve for his lost mother, and there was nothing I could do. For anyone else who experiences this, I offer lots of prayers and support.
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Re: Mother's Day
I"m so sorry he has to go through this. It must be so hard on everyone.
Thanks for posting. IMO it's always important to keep these sorts of things in mind.
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