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Need to vent/chat (rainbow briefly mentioned)

johnnys junejohnnys june member
in Late Term and Child Loss

So yesterday was like having a "Mother's Day Hangover" -- emotions hit me from out of the blue, but I should have expected it.  I blogged about it (https://themistylife.blogspot.com/2012/05/is-this-my-life.html#comment-form).

After blogging I felt a bit better so I was hopeful today would be less intense emotionally and more normal.  It was my day to do my monthly bank run for my office.  I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with our rainbow and it's VERY apparent.  Again, I should expect certain things - like the questions - but right now it just feels like it's all snowballing.

Famous question:  "Is this your first?"

I've only said "Yes" 2x -- 1 time being this weekend at a yard sale.  I just didn't want to deal with the explainations.  But that ripped my heart out.  So I've reverted back to my staple "no" and if people press then I come up with my answers (usually the truth) on the spot, but I remain as vague as possible.  Of course this question came up a couple of times (since I visit 6 banks) but for the first 4 banks I was doing well, getting comments on how small I look, how cute, how I don't have much longer to go...bla bla bla.  Then the 5th bank....

New Teller:  "Is this your first?"
Me:" No "
New Teller: "Boy or girl?"
Me: "Girl"
New Teller: "And your other?"
Me:  "Boy"
New Teller:  *huge dreamy smile* "Oh, how perfect!"

Cue racing thoughts -- if only she knew how unperfect my boy-girl children scenario is.  Yes, perfect if my son was living and could be the growing big brother to his baby sister.  *sigh*

Teller Next to her:  "A girl....Is that what you wanted?"
Me:  "We didn't care either way.  A healthy baby is good enough."

What I wanted to say would not have been nice.  What I wanted?  I want a baby, in my arms -- to stay!  The only baby I have held in my arms that was mine died in my arms.  I want both my angel baby here and this baby girl I now carry.  I know that not everyone understands or graps how minute and selfish it is to "want" a boy or a girl and then be disappointed by the opposite sex.  It hurt.  It opened up those same wounds...the anger at how ignorant and insensitive our world really is.

Thanks for listening.  There's really no point to this post other than me needing to get it out.  I am being blindside and crippled by a grief that I thought I had learned to manage so well.  I know it all comes in waves.  But the sting is just as real as the first time, I just wasn't prepared for it.

*hugs* to you all today!  <3

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Re: Need to vent/chat (rainbow briefly mentioned)

  • Petunia844Petunia844 member
    I'm so sorry... don't beat yourself up, grief isn't really meant to be managed. It might get easier over time, but that doesn't mean we'll ever grow out of those days and that's ok... it doesn't mean you aren't doing what you're supposed to be doing.  It just means you're a mother who's going to love her son with her whole heart her whole life, and you can't love someone with your whole heart and not miss them.  I also think there's a lot going on right now, with baby girl being so close to coming home... I imagine it's hard not to unravel at the end.  I remember pottermommy had a really hard time as her due date approached, but she got through it and Gabriel is growing beautifully. 
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  • careyaliscareyalis member
    imagejohnnys june:

    So yesterday was like having a "Mother's Day Hangover" -- emotions hit me from out of the blue, but I should have expected it. 

    This was exactly my day yesterday.  I didn't have the words to describe it but "Mother's Day Hangover" is exactly what it was.  I actually had to leave work because I literally couldn't pull myself together enough to teach.  I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this, I can only imagine how hard it is going to be with my rainbow pregnancy.  ((Big Hugs!))




    My angel Avery- 2/16/12, My rainbow Blake= 3/4/13, Joyfully awaiting #3 5/11/15
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  • karebear57karebear57 member
    Big *hugs*! People are so oblivious!
    Tim 12/30/00 Brad 4/30/02 Alex 9/29/03 Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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  • jbranden12jbranden12 member
    I am sorry you were blindsided. The truth is, I would give anything to have that blissful ignorance back. I'd like to think I was never that insensitive or thoughtless, but I wish I didn't understand.


      Our Angel Patricia born sleeping 3/30/12 at 31 weeks
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    Hoping to bring home #3 due 9/9/15
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  • Auki13Auki13 member
    I am so sorry that your Mother's Day was so difficult and that you have to deal with all the questions.  As excited as I am to be pregnant, I am just dreading the questions once I start showing.  They are inevitable and can hurt so much.  I don't really know what to say that will help, but I want you to know that I think of you often and I hope the rest of your week gets better.  (((HUGS))) sweetie. 
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  • medblaismedblais
    I think your "Mother's Day Hangover" comment perfectly fits what I experienced yesterday. I'm scared for reactions when I get pregnant again, and having day like this. I hope tomorrow is better for you.
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  • weddedwifeweddedwife member

    This is the kind of stuff I'm dreading once I start showing. But then I'm terrified I'll never get that far, and that's worse. Gahhhhh!

    Glad you came hear to let it out. From a lot of the blog's I've read, the grief is renewed around the time your rainbow is born. Big hugs, mama.

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  • BrittanyLeannM10BrittanyLeannM10
    I am so sorry for your loss. I also am going through the same thing. I am 32 weeks also & my rainbow baby is due in july. Looks like you & I are close in due date. Every single time I go to the wic office they either see I had a baby that passed on the screen or they end up asking how many children I have & I say 3 I have a living 4 yr old & then my little angel who passed at 3 months but I finally just went off told the wic office to take a note of my son dieing cause im sick of explaining it to every single nurse every time I go in there. They always would look at me weird until I explained it so I just went off but In a way it helped & made me feel somewhat better. Sometimes its so hard cause people looking in are lives don't always know the truth & it just hurts every time to have to explain it over & over especially to people who don't understand what we may be going through. I am trying to deal with this also & what I've come up with is screw people they don't need to know every little detail of your life & who cares if you lie to them to spare your feelings or even say I don't wanna talk about it if you do say you have 2 children. I tend to always say I have 3 but I don't always explain it cause its not there buisness. I know this doesn't take the hurt away but you have to just worry about making yourself happy & infant death can be so taboo to some people so its better to leave em in the dark.
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